How to survive your husband's betrayal: 5 tips from psychologists

Reasons why men or women cheat

The first thing any person wants to find out after cheating is the reasons that prompted their partner to take such a step. As a rule, they are quite banal.

Reasons why men cheat:

1. Ordinary. The man wanted to try something new or simply decided to prove to himself that he could still seduce other women. These are mostly one-time connections.
2. Alcohol. Many infidelities among men occur “in a drunken shop.” Alcohol clouds the mind and activates male instincts. Treason committed under the influence of alcohol should not be taken seriously.
3. Differences in temperaments. If a man lacks sex, he will look for it on the side. This is not an excuse. It is a fact.
4. I met “the one and only.” If a couple gets together under force (the birth of a child or settlement), then after a few years the men can find a more suitable girl.
5. Weak character. Sometimes a man simply “cannot resist” under the influence of a more temperamental woman.

Reasons why women cheat:

1. Misunderstanding. The woman believes that her partner is not able to understand her and is looking for attention on the side.
2. Revenge. Girls rarely forgive cheating. They try, at a minimum, to answer their partner in kind.
3. Lack of love. If partners do not find love with each other, they try to find it in someone else.
4. Long absence of a companion. The partner is constantly away and spends little time with the girl. She begins to seek attention from other men.
5. Spontaneity. If the relationship began spontaneously, it may end in betrayal and separation.

In any case, if a couple sincerely loves each other, the partners will never cheat. Even under the influence of alcohol.

How to survive betrayal? Psychologist's advice

No matter how hard it is, you will have to get used to the idea of ​​betrayal. Understand that the person who hurt you is an ordinary weak person. And certain needs intervened in his life, for the sake of which he acted so vilely towards you. See the benefit in this: you will become stronger in the future. Yes, more distrustful, tougher, more closed, but stronger.

If you are looking for how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, the advice of a psychologist will help you. So, start working on yourself today, now.

Give free rein to your tears - don't act like nothing happened.

You will deceive others, but not your heart. Allow yourself to cry all the tears, release all the negativity, so that the spring in your chest finally unclenches. Be weak.

Alcohol is not your friend.

Not a single problem has yet been solved with the help of alcohol. In addition, if you go too far, you may make a mistake (start calling the traitor, sort things out with his new passion, if betrayal has occurred). The next morning, in addition to mental pain, the “wonderful” consequences of drinking alcoholic beverages will come to you.

Remove things that remind you of your tormentor out of sight.

His numerous belongings and photos decorating the apartment are unlikely to help him survive a person’s betrayal. Often girls cry over everything connected with their ex-partner: his toothbrush, the kettle in which you heated water together, the sand “on which he walked.” Don’t take the situation to the point of absurdity: get rid of everything that worries your thoughts, and don’t attach hidden meanings to everyday things.

Find something to do.

Give yourself over to the work process and show off your professional skills. Sign up for a yoga course. Plan your day so that there is a minimum of free time. It is ideal if you choose an activity in which you have zero experience: complete immersion in the basics of a new activity can captivate your thoughts, leaving not a minute for suffering. If they approach, go outside and look for something to do with yourself. Go for a walk in the park, watch nature. This will help cope with betrayal better than seclusion.

Change something about your appearance.

Get a new haircut, buy a bright dress, make changes in your life. Become more attractive, because you have a new life ahead of you! Have you heard about the benefits of shopping? Updating your wardrobe on a psychological level helps improve your mood. Has your ex-partner never liked redheads? Now nothing stops you from such a change in image.

Don’t drive away new acquaintances and remember old friends.

When alone, you are unlikely to stop tormenting yourself with thoughts of how to survive the betrayal of a loved one. On the contrary, the lump that you roll in your head will only aggravate the situation. Let you laugh at first and listen with half an ear to the stories of your comrades. Over time, everything will change. Do not doubt.

Help someone who needs you.

Who? The choice is yours - homeless animals (you can buy a stick of cheap sausage to feed the cat near the entrance). Find out what things and toys the orphanage needs. Maybe one of your relatives could use some help. You will do a good deed, your soul will become light, and difficult thoughts will subside for a while.

How to survive the betrayal of a loved one? Yes, the advice of a psychologist can help, but the main task still lies with you - stop tormenting yourself. Stop thinking about what happened. It is difficult to survive a person's betrayal, but it is possible. Believe that a happy life awaits you ahead. Not all people are prone to betrayal, so don’t try to see the world through a black veil. A failed experience is also an experience.

There are more than 7 billion people on earth, remember how hard it was to experience your first unhappy love (you had an unhappy love at school?) or parting with a person “whom you couldn’t find better.” It is important for you to realize that your suffering is in your head, and if you decide to get rid of it, you will succeed.

Stages of experiencing betrayal

All our feelings change over time, acceptance of a situation goes through several stages, and what at first seemed completely impossible can at some point become the norm of life. Therefore, how to survive a partner’s betrayal can be guided not by the advice of friends, but by the stages necessary for our psyche to accept and respond adequately in any situation.

Stage 1. Shock, stress, denial

Mostly last from a couple of minutes to several days. If a woman only suspects cheating, she will try to find excuses for her husband and will want to shield him from herself. But the husband’s confessions are not always direct evidence of betrayal: “Well, what are you making up? Are you beside yourself, dear?” Shock makes it difficult to think clearly. How to survive betrayal.

Stage 2. Anger at yourself

A woman begins to look for the reason for men’s leftward movements within herself. Often this stage passes in a couple of hours, but it can last for several weeks, or even longer. The girl tries to analyze her actions, words, evaluate her appearance and her skills in different areas of life. She imposes on herself responsibility for the fact that her beloved chose someone else over her. It is better to go through this stage as quickly as possible, because long soul-searching does not solve the problem, but only extends it over time.

Stage 3. Aggression towards partner and lover

This period is important, because a person needs to switch aggression towards offenders in order to protect his psyche from “burnout.” It lasts for several weeks. A woman needs to throw out her anger at her husband and his mistress, and a desire for revenge appears. How to survive betrayal. But if you want to save the marriage, you will have to behave more restrained, since your mistress can use all your actions against you: “Look what she really is like. You lived with a monster!”

Stage 4. Inability to look into the future

Betrayal pulls a lady out of her usual way of life. If yesterday she was confident in the future, today she is afraid to look into the future, because the relationship will never be the same as before. Cheating undermines the most important thing - trust. It becomes especially scary when a man suggests breaking up, because then a woman’s life will become truly different.

Stage 5. The desire to return everything to its place

Our psyche seeks stability and comfort, so the wife begins to be overwhelmed with a feeling of love for her husband. Yes, the hatred has already passed, and the girl is ready to forgive the betrayal, if only her sweetheart was there as before. Betrayal to some extent helps to rethink our attitude towards each other and understand how important and necessary a person is to us.

Stage 6. “No” to the past

At this stage, if the marriage has survived, the spouses will try to rebuild the relationship. But it’s hard for a woman to trust her husband; she always wants to reproach him with betrayal, control him and demand new vows. It is better to restrain yourself; excessive display of resentment will not lead to anything good. It’s a good idea to redirect anger in another direction, for example, take care of yourself (sports, proper nutrition, style, and so on). In the case when the couple has separated, this stage serves as a kind of springboard for the woman to re-accept herself and start a different life.

Stage 7. Exhaustion

This period begins about six months after the incident. The spouses are tired of fighting, proving something, making peace and forgiving. They are mentally and physically exhausted. They become indifferent: the wife does not have the strength to return her husband to the family, or, if the spouses separated, coldness appears in the relationship. This stage simply must be survived. And, by the way, now you shouldn’t make important decisions about how to survive betrayal!

Stage 8. Conclusions

In the period from six months to a year, both the man and the woman make conclusions: whether they should really continue the relationship, whether they can trust each other, whether they can love again, support, and so on. As a result, they either finally break up or build a stronger union.

Betrayal by husband

When a woman is faced with betrayal by her husband, her experiences usually go through several stages.

At first, denial is typical, you don’t want to believe what happened, the woman categorically does not accept what is happening. It seems that these are only temporary difficulties that will soon pass, this is not happening to her, her husband could not do this, he has an explanation, a good reason, which he will clarify later.

Next, rage and great resentment towards her husband often sets in; hatred for everything connected with him awakens in the woman, she longs for reprisal and revenge. However, then longing for her husband sets in, memories come, mostly bright moments from a common joyful past, again I want to be in the same places, listen to the same music - in a word, to relive again, to immerse myself in old feelings. At this stage, a woman is often even ready to humiliate herself, take a step and go for reconciliation for the sake of a common past and relationship. Here the woman is already beginning to look for the reason why this happened.

Then anger may come again, along with the thought that the value of the relationship was less important to the husband than it seemed like he wanted to think. The woman begins to remember her husband’s words and broken promises, which only makes her angrier.

And then depression and apathy sets in, when you don’t want to do anything, when you’re just ready to lie in bed all day, when it seems like it will never end, the pain from this situation will never stop. What is happening around is not engaging. At these moments, a woman begins to delve into herself, look for mistakes, even to the point of taking all the blame for the situation. It seems to her that she herself brought her husband and the relationship to such an outcome.

And then the understanding comes - you need to move on, you can get used to this situation and so safely survive your husband’s betrayal. In order to burn all bridges and move on to a new life, a woman tries to remove all her husband’s belongings, shared photographs, audio recordings, gifts, so that the memories do not have such power. There may even be a change of company, the woman may stop communicating with mutual friends and visiting memorable places.

Finally, with a cold mind, a woman looks at relationships, most objectively assesses situations where she and her husband could be wrong, and draws conclusions for her future personal life. She realizes exactly how she will no longer act.

Acceptance comes, humility with reality, the woman no longer cares why this happened, how her husband could do this. The resentment goes away somewhere, and you can already treat the man neutrally. Perhaps there remains disappointment and indifference to his life, and then you just want to deal with your own life.

Psychologists report that it is not time that heals, but precisely this humility with the situation, the ability to switch to something else, to move on. Those around you can help you expand your horizons and not dwell on what happened. Psychologists note that how a person experiences betrayal determines his future life and ability to build future relationships with the opposite sex.

It is worth considering that all women are different, and each requires its own amount of time to survive betrayal. Try to stay busy – work, hobbies, hobbies. You can plunge headlong into a new area, meet acquaintances, go out with friends, go to the cinema and theater, and read. A busy day and an abundance of new impressions will not give you the opportunity to think about the past again.

However, psychologists also report that painful experiences need to be fully responded to, lived through and released. Don't suppress your tears if you want to cry. Don’t force yourself to smile and pretend to be happy. Look for joyful moments, but also accept your negative emotions. Do not place them, as often happens, in the back of your mind, from where it will be difficult to control them; on the contrary, they will begin to control you. Pain here is like a disease, you need to get over it, and acute symptoms allow you to recover faster, while hidden, suppressed emotions can become chronic.

Never spy on social networks, don’t even look at his page - this can not only regularly feed painful experiences, forming a habit, but also begin to inflate your imagination.

What can help you survive your husband's betrayal? Feel the value of your own life, which is the only one you have; it should not be wasted on worries and negativity. At the same time, examine the mistakes of the past. Any problem in a relationship is created by the partners together. Understand the mistakes so you don't make them in your next relationship. Therefore, you need to have an attitude towards betrayal that perceives it as an experience in your life.

What does it mean to “survive betrayal”?

Does this mean that you never think about the problem again, never get hurt or angry? Does this mean you no longer blame your partner (or yourself)?

When people talk about getting over infidelity, they often mean different things in terms of what the outcome will look like or what it will take to get there. What does the recovery result look like? It's important to know where you want to go before you create a plan that will get you there.

For some people, taking revenge on a partner can be an important part of being able to survive infidelity. But demanding retribution or punishing the cheater after a certain time does not strengthen the marriage or promote a feeling of intimacy. Long-term revenge may be satisfying in the short term, but it almost always keeps you stuck in the past.

Going out of your way to show consideration, care, and love can sometimes serve as concrete expressions of remorse or a desire for change. When people want to stay in a relationship, surviving infidelity means striving to strengthen and maintain the relationship.

You won't be able to move forward if you remain with one foot out the door.

Uncertainty, which allows you to spend energy in a constructive way, drains it, and it is necessary for relationships to improve.

If, however, you decide to end the relationship, getting over the infidelity means no longer obsessing over the problem or your partner. This means redirecting your thoughts and behavior towards building a new life.

What to do after betrayal

The question “How to survive betrayal?” quite popular. Since each of us will face it sooner or later. We can offer the following options and methods:

1. Establish some detachment. Step back and look at yourself as if you were a helper rather than a victim;
2. Don't indulge emotions you can't afford. Don't act like you feel worse than you do - or better.
3. Create an emotional recovery plan. Look at where you are hurting, where you feel hurt, or where you feel victimized, and then work to heal those areas. Don't rely on time to do it for you.
4. Feel the emptiness inside you and mourn it, but promise yourself that you will fill it.
5. Look for a confidant who has experienced the same betrayal and come out the other side.
6. Work to make tomorrow better than yesterday. Don't dwell on the past or what could have been.
7. Counteract self-pity by serving someone else. Against regret, seek out activities that boost your self-esteem.

An effective way to survive betrayal

What to do to survive betrayal?

Betrayal brings pain and disappointment, especially to the person who never expected to be betrayed. The brain tries to comprehend what happened, the heart is torn by injustice, and the body does not want to accept the affection of a stranger. How to survive betrayal with dignity and at the same time, if you want, maintain the relationship?

If you are the cheated partner, you may find it helpful to learn what actions the cheating partner can take to help you get over the betrayal.

1. Acknowledgment: The cheating partner develops and expresses a clear understanding of what happened and its consequences.

2. Responsibility: The cheating partner bears full responsibility for the decisions and choices involved in reconciliation.

3. Remorse: The cheating partner expresses a sincere feeling of deep sadness, sorrow, or even pain for the harm they caused.

4. Reparations: The cheating partner engages in positive actions designed to minimize the harm and associated negative consequences associated with his or her actions.

5. Change: The cheating partner promises not to harm the injured partner in the future:

• agrees not to harm the injured partner in the same way;
• changes the conditions that contributed to the previous problem;
• acts differently when faced with similar situations in the future.

6. Release: the betrayed partner forgives the offense, voluntarily giving up the right to continue to punish his partner for what happened or to demand further retribution.

7. Reconciliation: Both partners commit to rebuilding a relationship based on mutual trust and caring.

Break off the relationship or save it?

Having experienced the first emotional shock after betrayal, partners begin to ask one simple question - what to do next? There are only two options here - forgive or break up.

First of all, it is worth analyzing what connects the partners. If the marriage was built only on joint care of children, it is unlikely that it will be possible to save the relationship. On the other hand, if a couple has minor children, it makes sense to save the marriage so as not to leave them without one of their parents.

The reason for the betrayal is also an important factor.

If it was a casual relationship under the influence of alcohol, there is no reason to worry. Of course, this is unpleasant, but we should not forget that the betrayal in this case occurred in a semi-inappropriate state, when the person did not control his thoughts and actions.

It's another matter if the partner deliberately cheated on his partner. The majority of couples then break up. Spouses cannot forgive each other that a person deliberately preferred someone else to them. This is primarily due to the feeling of humiliation experienced by the offended party. Dealing with it is not so easy.

In any case, it is important to remember that restoring a relationship after cheating is very difficult. You should not think that after reconciliation, the partners will immediately begin to communicate in the same way as before. Psychologists compare trust to a glass. When it falls, it breaks into many small pieces

They can be glued together, but nevertheless, traces of the fall will still be visible. Only a caring attitude and time can dull the bitterness of betrayal. This requires the mutual desire of both partners.

How to survive betrayal and breakup?

Often, the fact of sexual infidelity becomes a serious test in the relationship of two people. Practice shows that in 86% of cases, betrayal of a partner in a family becomes a psychological trauma. In 62% - the reason for breaking up relationships, divorce. A feeling of abandonment, uselessness, pain, guilt, resentment - these are the feelings of someone who has been cheated on. The familiar world collapsed. Trust, like fragile Bohemian glass, broke into hundreds of small particles. The one they loved betrayed.

The consequences of betrayal and loss of a partner are often accompanied by sleep disturbances and eating disorders. Chronic diseases worsen and new, psychosomatic diseases are acquired. Constant bad mood and a feeling of loss even lead to thoughts of suicide.

If you have a full “bouquet” of symptoms or an unwillingness to live, a consultation with a psychiatrist or neurologist is recommended.

However, the main thing that a person needs in this situation is support, participation and attention.

Here's a short course in surviving cheating:

Start chatting

The feeling of abandonment leads to the idea that no one needs a person at all. Everyone has a “soul mate,” and the loner is pitiful and uninteresting. In fact, there are always people around who care. There are also single friends who will gladly respond to an offer to spend time together.

It is worth remembering all your friends, acquaintances, close people, relatives. Note for yourself where and when you met, what you did, what moments of spending time with them brought joy and pleasure. Think about when and with whom you can meet in the near future, what pleasant and interesting things you can do. Who to visit, call. Plan specific dates and be sure to do it.

Expand your social circle

If your friends are your husband’s friends, and you feel uncomfortable with them, you can broaden your horizons and meet new people. There are a lot of clubs, public entertainment organizations, private master classes, support groups, gyms, swimming pools, yoga centers that can interest you with their activities and become a source of new acquaintances.

Think about what you like or were once passionate about. Maybe there is something left that I wanted to do earlier, but for some reason it was postponed and forgotten. The time has come to put it into practice.

Pay attention to your child

Children, as you know, are the flowers of life. However, if you don’t take care of the flowers - water them, fertilize them, protect them from strong winds, frosts and pests - they can get sick and die. An irritated, lost parent has a detrimental effect on the psyche and inner world of the child. Right now you need each other more than ever.

Spend time together. Walk, joke, watch a funny movie, find common interests, hug and tell him how much you love him.

Remove your ex's personal belongings

If your partner, perhaps already an ex, lives separately, not in the family, but at the same time his things surround you, constantly catch your eye, reminding you of him, of what happened, and causing pain, remove them.

Sometimes you have a strong desire to tear your shirts into shreds or throw them out of the window: don’t restrain yourself, cut. Let your anger come out.

Eliminate guilt

“It’s my own fault” – a familiar phrase? I would like to remind you that relationships are the work of two people and, no matter what happens in the relationship, both are to blame. One withdrew, the other shifted responsibility, became cowardly, let it take its course - it will sort itself out. Reluctance to resolve issues that arise leads to discord and rupture in relationships. There can be many reasons why a partner cheated: lack of sex, rare sex, intimate intimacy that does not bring satisfaction, “drunk,” love has passed, lack of sexual desire or psychological intimacy. In any case, betrayal might not have happened if the person’s position had been mature: problems need to be solved, and not avoided.

Responsibility for betrayal lies with the one who made the decision to change and cheated.

Increase your self-esteem

Self-flagellation and looking for flaws in yourself will not lead to anything good. You are no worse than the one with whom you cheated, with whom you left. There is no insurance against betrayal. They cheat on beautiful and amateurish people, smart and not so smart, successful businesswomen and housewives, well-groomed and unkempt, slender and “size +”. It's not about what you look like, what you do, how old you are, or how you cook. It's about the personal qualities of the one who cheated.

Make a list of your strengths and achievements. Answer the questions: what am I? What is my feature, uniqueness? What is my strength? Praise yourself for each item on the list, you deserve it.

Heal the grudge

Children often fall during childhood. They are hurt and offended at the same time. Physical pain is similar to mental pain. Both need to be treated. The mother feels sorry for her child, explains that this happens, helps to take safety measures in the future and heals the soul, smears the wounds with brilliant green and heals the body.

In adult life, resentment settles in the soul. Contrary to common sense, they do not try to “cure” the offense, but carefully store it in the soul, “dragging a suitcase without a handle, filled with stones” through their lives.

Unreacted, unprocessed resentment affects the quality of life. The emotional state worsens. Painful memories trigger headaches. Irritability appears, physical condition worsens, psychosomatic diseases develop, leading to serious consequences and health problems.

It is impossible to solve a problem by accumulating negative thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Resentment is a childish position. Close your eyes and take a journey into your inner world. Imagine your inner child, that little girl/boy living inside you, everyone has one. Become an attentive, caring and understanding parent to him. Take pity on your inner child, just as your mother did as a child. Take him in your arms, sit him on your lap, hug him. Pat it on the head. Say that you know what happened and understand his feelings. That you are always there and will never leave him. Tell him how much you love the baby sitting on your lap. Give him the support he needs. Be grateful that you have it. Kiss and say goodbye, see you soon. Return to the here and now.

Mental wounds do not heal unless they are treated. Live your life to the fullest. Take care of yourself and remember: there is always someone next to you who is ready to help, you just have to want it and take a step towards it.

How to trust people after betrayal?

• In order not to lose your trust in people after betrayal, it is important to separate the actions of this particular person who betrayed you and other people. Remind yourself often that not all people are like this person. That you were betrayed by one specific person, and not by all of humanity as a whole. And that if one person is like this, it does not mean that all other people are the same.

• After experiencing betrayal, you may really want to stop trusting people altogether so that something like this doesn’t happen again. Try not to fall into total distrust of everyone. Better yet, try to learn to trust reasonably and carefully, i.e. build your trust slowly. And figure out who you can trust and who you shouldn’t trust.

• If you “go into loneliness” due to betrayal, you will not give yourself the opportunity to receive support from other people in this difficult situation. That is, there is a big risk that you will become even more convinced that no one can be trusted.

Therefore, it is important to ask and receive support from others so as not to lose your faith in people. So talk to people sometimes. Especially with those who usually do not betray your trust. And whom you trust. Share your pain with them and ask them to support you.

If there are no people near you whom you can really trust, then you can turn to a psychologist. Who can also become such a supporting figure for you for a while. And it will help you surround yourself with fairly reliable people. Learn to choose just such people and build strong, trusting relationships with them.

If you have experienced betrayal or have any other difficulties with trust, you can contact me for a consultation.

Author of the article: psychologist Anna Tychuk.

How to survive betrayal and maintain a relationship?

Families are structured differently. Some people end the relationship as soon as they find out about their partner’s betrayal. Others are trying to save their family. It is in order to survive betrayal and save the family that you need to go through the following 6 stages.

Accept the fact of betrayal

This is the initial and perhaps the most difficult step.

The first advice from a psychologist on how to survive the betrayal of a loved one is to accept the fact of betrayal. Accepting means agreeing that there was betrayal. Do not praise it, do not agree with it, do not resign yourself and do not submit to fate. For one of the partners, accepting means saying: “Yes, I was cheated on.” For another - “Yes, I changed.” Without this, all other steps are impossible, since by denying the problem, we cannot begin to solve it.

Sometimes it takes one day to accept and admit the fact of betrayal, sometimes it takes months. Don't give up if you can't do it right now, keep trying.

Find out the reason

Yes, there are reasons for cheating (and you need to accept that too). A reason is not the same as someone's fault. No one is to blame for cheating. But they happen because something is missing in the relationship, because of some kind of push.

Sometimes the reasons may not be clear enough to the partner who cheated. Without their clear and mutual understanding, it is difficult to move forward.

Change if possible

Also, in order to survive the betrayal of a loved one, you can try to change. Knowing the reason, you can think about the following questions: “What did I do (did) and what did I not do (did)? Can I give what was missing, change myself and the situation? I want this?" This is a question not only for the one who was cheated on, but also for the one who cheated.

Unfortunately, sometimes betrayal is the result of behavior that a person is not yet ready to change in himself. In this case, trying to maintain a relationship is like fighting windmills.

Articulate the value of these relationships

What about a partner is still valuable to you? Why did you get into a relationship in the first place? Why did you love each other? What would you be sorry to lose if you break up? Only by remembering what is valuable to you in a relationship will you be able to improve it after cheating. Both partners should ask this question, and only if both have sufficiently meaningful answers, does it make sense to move on.

Be patient while trust is restored

Cheating almost always destroys trust in a relationship. In some couples it recovers on its own over time. Some experience more difficulty with this: on the one hand, the person understands that the partner is not doing anything like that, but on the other hand, disturbing thoughts creep in and they constantly want to control the situation. If this is left to chance, the relationship will collapse, and it is safer to immediately involve a third party in the situation - a psychologist.