Why is it so difficult to forget your ex-husband and how to do it?

4 2169 April 19, 2021 at 03:34 pm Author of the publication: Marina Alekseeva Tatyana Prokhorova

Cozy cafe, aromatic Americano and Prague. Actually, I love cappuccino. He loves Americano. How long has it been since the divorce? More than a year? Yes. More than a year since we broke up, and I still come to our cafe and order his favorite coffee. How to forget your ex-husband? Unanswered question...

At first it was empty, lonely and scary. The feeling that the ground has disappeared from under your feet. No, not even that. As if in a marshy swamp or deep snow, I’m looking for support with my foot, but I’m falling deeper and deeper. There is emptiness beneath me, and there is nothing to cling to.

Afterwards, resentment and pain overwhelm you. Tears wash away foundation and powder. I changed my mascara to waterproof one a long time ago: it doesn’t run. A huge grief piercing through the soul from the realization that we are no longer together. How to contain this grief? It freezes the whole body, squeezes the throat in a silent scream. It’s impossible to go further, I sit down and sob somewhere on a bench at a metro station or right in the middle of the street, leaning against the wall of some building. It's forever. I lost him forever.

There are days when I walk around and smile stupidly, remembering the touching or funny moments of our life. Everything is so real, real. It’s as if there is no world around. Now I feel the warmth of his hand under my palm, the roughness of the T-shirt and the coolness of the river. But we are just drinking tea together. My husband loves it with bergamot. We laugh. It is impossible to forget this. And it seems that separation is a misunderstanding, divorce is a temporary forced circumstance, a break to think. Soon everything will be the same.

Why is it so difficult after a breakup?

The most difficult period for a woman who has separated from a man is the first time. For several days she has been oppressed by thoughts that her husband deceived her, betrayed her, abandoned her. Some women manage to overcome depression quickly and relatively easily. Within a few weeks they return to an active, cheerful attitude.

However, not everyone can recover so quickly. Most often, the ex-wife has a long and painful recovery from a breakup with her lover. She grieves for weeks, months, and is in a depressed emotional state. There are several reasons for this prolonged suffering.

Most often, divorce is not easy for women

Psychological attachment

How long it will take a woman to adapt to new life circumstances is influenced by two factors: how attached she was to her husband and her characteristics.

Character Traits:

Women who are melancholic or choleric experience divorce more difficult than others, since they develop a strong attachment to their chosen one. After parting, they completely concentrate on the misfortune that happened to them. They tend to self-examine, blaming themselves for not saving love, not saving their family.
Sanguine and phlegmatic people are characterized by composure, so they even perceive divorce as a new stage in their own development. They do not make a tragedy out of parting; on the contrary, for them it is the beginning of a new life.

How to start a new life after a divorce from your husband? “8 steps” technique

Energy attachment

A wife can experience not only a psychological attachment to a man, but also an energetic one. This is explained simply: if a man and a woman have the same roof over their heads, they are bound by the bonds of marriage, and the energy field of each is nourished by the love of the other. When spouses divorce, the supply disappears; the abandoned person feels an energetic emptiness within himself, preventing him from overcoming his experiences.

The criticality of the situation arises if it is not possible to move away from thoughts about your husband for a very long time. Suffering can give way to a depressive state, and this is a direct threat to both mental health and life.

If the pain does not go away, consulting a psychologist will help. A qualified specialist will advise you on how to destroy negativity and make life easier not only for yourself, but also for your loved ones. If a person is sucked into negative emotions, he harms both his own internal state and the state of the people around him.

If the pain persists, try seeing a psychologist

HOW to let go of your ex-husband

And also how to let go of your ex-man, boyfriend, lover, lover... It doesn’t matter who. This technique will also help to even let go of your ex-wife.

So, the first thing we need to do is turn on awareness and highlight in our head all those feelings and emotions that do not allow us to let go.

For this, it is best to work with a psychologist. But, if there is no possibility, there is self-discipline and a burning desire to get your ex out of your head. So, you can act on your own.

We need to take a notebook and start recording our feelings and emotions towards our ex for at least a week. Every day, it is important to note to yourself what exactly you feel? You need to honestly face your emotions, even if they seem unpleasant and wrong to you.

Five stages of experiencing adversity

Every woman, after breaking up with her beloved spouse, will have to go through five stages of experience:

The first stage is shock and denial. Occurs in the first days after the departure of a spouse or as soon as a woman finds out that he is going to divorce her. It manifests itself in different ways - both in numbness and screams. The woman experiences psychological shock and stops having normal contact with loved ones. A full life during this period is replaced by automatic actions, there is no desire to do anything, everything happens as if in a dream. Shock gives way to denial. She begins to think that her husband can still be convinced and returned to the family.
After several days, the initial stage gives way to the second - anger and resentment. Usually they are aimed at the ex-spouse or his new chosen one, if the man filed for divorce because of his love for another woman. Sometimes anger also extends to those whom the wife may consider to be the culprits of the separation. For example, one of her relatives or friends knew that her husband was cheating on her, but did not warn her, or influenced her husband’s decision to divorce. It also seems to her that fate, higher powers, and chance are to blame for what happened.
After the anger subsides, the third stage begins - the woman experiences a feeling of guilt. She constantly scrolls through various options in her head for what could have happened under certain other circumstances or actions. She tries to convince herself that if she had behaved differently, she would not have had to go through this situation. Experiences an irresistible desire to return to the past in order to prevent a divorce. Constantly engages in self-flagellation, blaming herself for her husband’s departure. He falls into an inadequate state and comes up with arguments that have nothing to do with reality.
The fourth stage is accompanied by depression. The woman experiences such severe mental pain that she begins to feel it physically. Severe, prolonged depression can significantly impair mental and physiological health. This period is especially dangerous for any person. If a girl cannot get out of a depressive state for a long time, she cannot do without the help of a psychologist.
The last stage is humility, acceptance of loss. It completes all the processes that the wife has gone through. Emotionally, she gradually calms down and is ready to accept the divorce. The pain recedes and goes away completely over time. A woman begins to live a normal life, plan her future, and develop further. The main indicator of the last stage is that she calmly accepts the divorce from her husband and maintains peace of mind after communicating or meeting with him.

Advice from a psychologist on how to stop loving a beloved man who doesn’t love

HOW TO FORGIVE your ex-husband and let go of the grudge?

If you, in the process of writing down your feelings or just thinking about it, realized that you are holding a grudge. Then, of course, you want to forgive your ex-man, let go of the grudge against your ex. And, here are special tips that will help us do this. These techniques are taken from professional psychological help. And, their effectiveness has been proven many times. They help you forget a person.

1.Technique of empty space, chair, armchair.

You mentally sit your ex (or ex-wife - it works for everyone) in the chair or stool opposite you.

Focus and express all your grievances to him. As completely as possible.

After this, you mentally transfer to his place. You get used to it, feel into it and answer yourself on behalf of your ex.

Feeling into his personality will give you the opportunity to see the REASONS that prompted him to do this to you.

And these reasons are not always offensive to you, even though he offended you very much with his behavior.

How to reduce pain after divorce?

The decision to forgive, forget and let go of a man is the final stage of the experience.

If a wife tries to immediately reach this stage, to convince herself that she was able to get rid of thoughts about her spouse, this is self-deception. The desire to avoid painful stages will not eliminate experiences, but will only hide them deep inside. Old grievances and anger can resurface at the wrong time and negatively affect new relationships.

Psychologists' advice on how to forget and let go of your ex-husband begins with giving yourself the opportunity to grieve to your heart's content.

If you are trying to forget your spouse, while the mention of his name alone makes you feel uneasy and you want to cry or come up with a plan for revenge, this reaction can hardly be considered adequate.

Analyze your inner experiences. You can call your girlfriends to support you, or visit a therapist. If you don’t have the opportunity to contact a specialist and you don’t have any friends, use anonymous forums on the Internet. In them you will be able to express yourself to interlocutors who do not know you personally. Remember the words and actions with which your husband offended you, caused pain, but do not forget about the pleasant moments, for example, remember how romantic the first date was or how your husband brought breakfast in bed.

Start drawing up a complete picture of your relationship. Describe how you felt when you were with him, what you were worried about, give a logical assessment at the moment. Probably, the things that annoyed you before will seem sweet and dear, and what made you happy is nothing more than subtle manipulation or deception.

It is necessary to evoke conscious memories in yourself, this way you will discharge the emotional sphere and relieve accumulated tension. You can’t hold back and accumulate emotions inside yourself. The more you close them inside yourself, the longer you remain attached to the situation that happened.

The same technique can be used when you cannot understand how to forget your lover: the fewer accumulated emotions, the faster you will get rid of thoughts.

I WANT to forget my ex! — Method 1

Just be honest: how much time a day does it take you to turn this question “How to forget your ex-loved one” in your head? I admit that it is a lot. In addition to time, an incredible amount of mental energy is spent on this. Trying to cope with memories and feelings is not living. Your life is like in a science-fiction thriller where time is stopped - frozen.

I'll tell you a secret. The more you want to forget your ex-husband (boyfriend), the less you succeed. Why? This is the principle of our psyche. The more we fight any feelings, the stronger they become. The process of your ex being in your head seems to be fueled by your burning desire to forget him quickly. It’s as if you are feeding this process with your psychic energy.

What should I do? Let's turn on a wonderful method called “paradoxical intention”.

Paradoxical means “on the contrary.” Intention (from Latin intenti - meaning intention, desire).

How does this method work? I think you have noticed many times that the more you forbid yourself something, the more you want it. After all, the forbidden is sweet.

Therefore, we ALLOW ourselves to think and remember our ex.

I foresee objections. “Well, I’ll never forget him.” No, dear readers. You'll forget! Believe me. Just like you have already forgotten some previous exes. And you don’t remember them, would you agree? And you will forget this.

But for now, to make the task easier, we do the following trick :

We track how much time a day you REALLY suffer because of it. 10%? Or, 20%? Or 5%? It's important to be honest here. Because, you see, you don’t remember and suffer all day long. Besides this, you still work, study, live your life, do things, sleep in the end.

Did you track it? And now: let’s allow ourselves this time to remember him. It's OK. Allow me - and relief and oblivion will come on their own! It is important for us to understand that the ex only sits in our head for some time. Not 24/7!

Author: Ekaterina Kholodova, psychologist. You can sign up for an ONLINE consultation with me via Skype, WhatsApp, Telegram, Viber

How to start a new life: advice from a psychologist

When you have managed to get rid of the first pain, you need to start changing yourself - on the physical and psychological levels:

After letting go of irrelevant emotions, get rid of everything that reminds you of your spouse. Look around: what around you reminds you of your life together, what can you get rid of? Hide all things out of sight, even the smallest ones, if they serve as a reminder. Of course, you shouldn’t throw away minor or very significant gifts. Place things and objects in boxes or bags and put them away so far away that you don’t even look at them again. If everything that can mentally return you to a “bright shared past” disappears from your field of vision, you will more easily survive the breakup.
Keep your distance. Eliminate any contact with your ex-spouse. Of course, if you have children together, this is almost impossible to do. In this case, reduce communication to a minimum, communicate only on topics related to children. Don't be interested in his life, whether everything is okay with him. This way you will let him go much faster. Block his accounts on social networks, do not go to his pages, do not look at his photographs. Such actions will again and again cause severe mental pain.
Let the negativity spill out. Cry on your friend’s shoulder, speak out about everything that’s boiling over, about all your experiences. Once you speak out, it will feel much easier for you. If possible, go to the forest or other deserted place, scream, yell, pull out all the sadness from yourself. Screaming is a good way to relieve tension. You can go to a sports or gym and hit a punching bag. Just don’t squeeze the pain inside yourself!
When you feel better, find motivation to take a step into a new life. Of course, it’s easier to stay at home, sit on the couch in front of the TV and feel sorry for yourself while watching tearful melodramas. Gather your strength, force yourself to leave the house. Invite your friends to a quiet and cozy cafe or, conversely, take an outing into nature for active recreation. You have many available opportunities to become happy, take advantage of them. Remember what you liked to do before you met your ex-husband. Attend theatrical performances, go to film premieres, and do not refuse other public places and entertainment events.
Find a new activity you enjoy. For example, sign up for yoga, swimming, fitness, do handicrafts, drawing, dancing. It often happens that after a difficult divorce, women get a second wind and are quite successfully realized in their creativity.
Pay attention to your appearance. Now is the right time and opportunity to change your hairstyle, eyebrow shape, and clothing style. If you are afraid that you will make a mistake and be upset, use the services of a stylist.
Write a list of things that make you happy. Feel free to pamper yourself. If you like a new dress in a store window, buy it. If you want to go for a massage or get a manicure, sign up right away! Now you can allow yourself, your loved one, to be taken care of exclusively. Allow yourself small joys that will fill your life with bright impressions.
Set goals for yourself for the near future. What changes for the better do you want to make? This could be getting a driver's license, losing extra pounds, learning Spanish, or traveling to an African country. Choose something that inspires you. Remember your dreams before you got married, but did not realize them.
If you cannot forget the ended relationship, even following the recommendations described, consult a psychologist. Sometimes qualified help is simply necessary. And remember the main rule: if your ex-husband betrayed you, you should not give up on yourself and exist sadly. You have the right to happiness. Strive with all your might for inner harmony and joy in your soul!

How to understand that a woman has stopped loving her husband? The best advice from a psychologist on what to do when feelings fade away

Stage two. Clear space of old

When you are ready (and you will definitely feel it), your hands will naturally reach out to those things that remind you of your husband. Why?...That's right! To hide, give away, throw away.

Growth implies destruction. You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. Ayn Rand, writer

At this stage, the emotion of anger will help you. Get really angry with your husband: how could he, in general, let go, lose, break up with you, such a stunning, smart, incredible, freaky beauty. Call your friend again (no need for mom, mothers tend to groan over every little thing thrown away “what if it comes in handy”) and go all out:

break all those cute souvenirs, vases, mugs that he once gave you;
cut your photos together into small, small pieces;
inspect the apartment to see if his personal belongings are left behind: collect them in bags and put them out the door;
if finances allow, send the sleeping bed to the landfill;
remove your husband from your friends on social networks, forbid yourself to be interested in him, his life and his new passion, forbid your friends to tell you about him.

Anger will give you the strength to get up from your knees and move on with your head held high. With each thrown away item, you will feel yourself filled with new energy, the desire to live no matter what, to show this world that you simply cannot be broken.

What to do if you have children together?

When a couple who have lived together for only a short time gets divorced, time helps passions and pain gradually subside, and the meeting of new love completely erases thoughts and memories of the past. But if spouses have children together, then getting rid of thoughts about their father becomes an impossible task.

He will no longer be your husband, but he will still be a dad to your children. If the separation took place jointly and in a civilized manner, regular meetings cannot be avoided. General children's holidays and weekends will be accompanied by his visits.

Of course, the frequency of meetings with him can be different - a man can call every evening or only congratulate the child on his birthday once a year, but he will remind you of himself one way or another.

If a man has disappeared from your horizon and does not take part in raising children, you will remember him when looking at the children themselves. Their appearance, habits and periodic questions about dad will not allow you to forget that this man was once in your life. Follow a few rules:

The most important recommendation from psychologists that you should follow is not to lie to your child about what happened. Children are more sensitive than adults and have well-developed intuition. They will definitely recognize your deception. Therefore, do not hide the truth from them, explain the situation in a gentle form, why dad began to live separately from you.
Do not forbid children to communicate with their father. Even if you are angry and offended, remember that both parents are equally important to the child. He is upset about the current situation, but it does not diminish his love for mom or dad. By establishing a ban on communication, you can traumatize the child’s psyche. Don't manipulate your children to hurt your ex-spouse.
You may hear from your child many questions that are not particularly pleasant for you, and sometimes even painful, about your relationship with his father. Don't change the subject, don't yell at your child so that he shuts up and doesn't ask you about it. Answer the questions asked with complete honesty and adequacy.
If the child is near you, do not insult or discuss his father with someone, for example, with a friend, or describe the situation of divorce in words with a negative connotation. Do everything in your power to prevent the children from starting to dislike their dad.

If you ignore these recommendations, the child can grow up to be a very complex, embittered person who is offended by the whole world. The best solution is to talk to the child all together - he, you and his father. Explain to him that even though your parents are now divorced, this does not mean that you have stopped loving him. Let the child know that mom and dad will always support him and help him.