Death of a loved one: how to pull yourself together and cope with the loss?

Physical manifestations of experience

Death is a peak load not only on the nervous system, but also on the entire woman’s body. In addition, after the loss of her husband, the widow is forced to partially or completely change her lifestyle and habits. What her husband did rests on her shoulders.

In women, chronic diseases, tachycardia, heart pain, and high blood pressure may worsen. Along with the actual symptoms, people experience panic attacks and obsessive-compulsive disorder during the acute period of bereavement and later in the post-traumatic phase. At the same time, doctors do not find pathologies, but the woman suffers. Often the reason for such manifestations is in the subconscious and self-guilt: “He died when I was alive!” Unfortunately, without coping with this condition, widows and widowers can quickly follow their deceased husband. Therefore, to relieve such symptoms, the help of specialists, including pastors and psychotherapists, is required.

Left alone, a widow often loses the desire to cook for herself, does not feel hungry and eats without appetite. Sometimes, on the contrary, he impulsively consumes a lot of food. In the absence of husbandhood, the diet is destroyed. Be careful and refrain from drinking alcohol in excess. After all, the consequences can hurt.

There are many things friends and family can do in this situation:

• bring food for a while (preferably immediately) and convince the widow to eat;
• share experiences on “how to cook for one”, devices for convenient preparation and storage of food;
• take care of the children's nutrition in times when the widow cannot provide them with food;
• invite a woman to eat together;
• help you follow the priest’s advice on how to cope with the death of a loved one;
• discuss a new way of life, a system of life, support in resolving issues that previously worried people;
• Don't give in to the craving for alcohol.

Having gone through the stages of acute grief and coping with the physical symptoms, the widow will be able to develop new strategies for her future life, the main ones of which we will discuss below. However, it should be immediately cautioned that they need to be treated flexibly rather than rigidly. Combine different methods and you can get out of a destructive experience.

Mental manifestations of grief

Psychologist and researcher Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified 5 stages of experiencing an acute crisis: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

In the first days (and even weeks!) after the death of her husband, a woman experiences shock and cannot believe that her husband is no longer there. It may seem to her that he is walking nearby, she will see him in a dream and subconsciously hope that this is a mistake, now the door will open and her beloved will return. A woman may be consumed by the belief that it is not too late to fix and change everything. An acute denial of reality can even frighten others: it happens that a widow talks to her late husband, mentions him as a living person, and refuses to accept the fact of his death. But this condition is normal. With the natural course of events and support, the woman will come out of this stage. Denial as a psychological mechanism allows her to survive the most acute stage, when it is completely unclear how she can continue to live alone after the death of her husband.

Then anger rises in the widow’s soul that death has taken away her loved one. She begins to experience aggression against the injustice of the world, the circumstances that led to the tragedy. This can be expressed by screaming, impulsive outbursts of rage (breaking dishes, blaming others, destroying things).

A woman may experience an acute feeling of guilt if she believes that she was wrong in something or did not care enough about her husband. In this case, auto-aggression (anger at oneself) may develop. It is dangerous because it provokes self-harm, even suicide. The widow often does not realize this, but “for some reason” she begins to slip on the street, cut her fingers while cooking, and get burned.

At the “bargaining” stage, a woman can turn to God, other higher powers in which she believes, and try to significantly change her behavior and life. The image of the husband is idealized, “whitewashed.” Subconsciously, the widow experiences a childish hope that “if she behaves well,” her husband will return. The fear of losing another loved one can also be expressed; she is trying, as it were, to “beg” for protection from tragedies in the future. This stage is characterized by endless (sometimes daily!) trips to the cemetery and/or church, a desire for self-punishment and self-restraint.

The intensity of emotions and the load on the nervous system at the next stage lead to depression, apathy, and loss of meaning.

And only after going through all the stages of grief, a woman comes to terms with reality and begins to think rationally about how she can live after the death of her beloved husband, how to build her own individual path without him.

Everyone goes through these stages of grief, but the duration varies from person to person.

Important for the widow herself and her loved ones:

• understand the nature of each stage, its role;
• do not try to speed up the passage of these stages;
• do not blame for inappropriate, reactive behavior.

If you artificially suppress the impulses of each stage, then you can get stuck on any of them for a long time (and sometimes forever!) and never get to acceptance and entry into a new life. Even outbursts of aggression during the period of anger must be fully lived, splashed out, and realized. It is better to break all the dishes and shout out than, leaving emotions in the depths of your soul, and never overcome the acute period of grief.

In search of a goal to prolong life

If a widow has children and grandchildren, the responsibility for their upbringing, their value as heirs to the family of her beloved husband, household chores and the joy of their success can greatly alleviate the woman's suffering...

Children give the widow the meaning of life, prevent her from concentrating on thoughts about her husband’s death, they deepen herself. As the embodiment of life, they help to cope with pain and quickly establish a new system of life without a husband.

But focusing exclusively on children is also difficult. The widow, who devoted herself only to them, forgot about herself “without letting go” of the already adult chicks. After all, sooner or later the time will come for them to “fly out of the nest.”

First steps

It is very difficult to return to the usual everyday environment and get rid of the grief that has filled the entire spiritual space. But you need to gradually begin to move away from sad memories of your loved one.

Nothing will help you survive the death of your husband without freeing your head and home from the past and those things that remind you of the grief you experienced.

1. A woman must accept the death of a loved one, since everyone, sooner or later, leaves this world, and no one can change this way of life.

People only aggravate suffering by refusing to perceive reality as it is. A woman needs to reconsider her life values ​​and realize that she is much stronger and more resilient than she thinks.

2. The best way to distract yourself from sad thoughts is to start looking for new goals and guidelines in life.

Indifference to everything is the path to degradation and devastation of the inner world, which can lead to serious mental disorders. After all, it is better to take into account the advice of a psychologist than to accumulate negativity and wait for the condition to worsen.

The husband's life has come to an end, but his wife's life continues to go on, and one must be able not to miss the opportunity to live it with dignity. For the sake of the husband, who probably wanted to make his beloved woman happy, for the sake of the children and for herself. You can realize yourself at any age by supporting your desires with actions.

3. Do charity work.

Good deeds (especially for people who are in a similar situation) always bring joy and bright feelings. It will become much easier to cope with the death of your husband if you help others.

It charges you with positive emotions, energy and makes it clear that someone needs you. Supporting other people who are also experiencing loss can help you cope with your personal unhappiness.

4. Don't isolate yourself, communicate with other people.

Despair consumes and does not allow one to get out of the cocoon in which a woman places herself. Loneliness is useful, even for the most sociable and cheerful people, but not in excessive quantities.

Make new friends. You can give advice to young married couples if you have extensive experience in relationships.

You might even want to write a book or story based on this. And creative activities always have a beneficial effect on overall well-being.

Release of emotions

Psychologists who give advice and recommendations on how to cope with the death of a person draw attention to the need to live a full life and express emotions.

But in fact, the widow may have feelings that she suppresses due to improper social or family relationships. Therefore, they should not be allowed to express themselves and give in. These could be prohibitions on tears, complaints, aggression. Shame on your condition and appearance. Refusal to express emotions in the presence of people or in the presence of children. Suppressing old complaints about a person, idealizing his image. The taboo of joy, laughter and well-being (because even in the darkest moments something funny can happen to us, children turn to their simple reasons for happiness). And much more.

Any suppressed emotions are dangerous because they turn into a state of depression, coldness, apathy, and then to psychosomatic diseases!

That's why all feelings need to be released. If for some reason this cannot be done naturally, it makes sense to create special conditions and ways to free the feelings:

• art therapy (drawing, dancing, modeling);
• sport to release aggression;
• scream (if you are ashamed of your relatives and neighbors behind the wall, go into the forest or scream while plunging into a bowl of water);
• drawing or weaving a mandala.

Music has the greatest power to work through suppressed emotions. It is no coincidence that all mourning rites in the tradition of every people of the world are accompanied by singing. Listening to music, going to a concert, playing an instrument is real healing for a suffering soul. The famous psychologist Sergei Vaisman, over many years of research in the field of sound therapy, has proven that simple songs with friends or alone, the sound of individual vowels and consonants, lullabies for children help to “endure a little grief” and allow you to express your feelings in an environmentally friendly way. Under no circumstances will a woman who has a beloved husband die during such an exercise, even if she went to the drums to express her emotions and did not play like a child. On the contrary, relatives should support her, not judge ways to cope with acute grief after the death of her husband through music therapy and share these moments with her.

Don't leave too much time to worry

If possible, the widow should return to work and daily activities as soon as possible, since they are full of meaning and a natural distraction from difficult experiences.

At the same time, we should be careful about the threat of self-remorse inherent in many women who have experienced the agony of losing a loved one. Attempts to fill the gap in the soul and life with self-exhaustion threaten self-destruction of the will, feelings and loss of health. We must also remember that acute trauma and subsequent regret, as well as concerns about funerals, life adjustments, and weight loss lead to chronic fatigue. Maybe after some time it is worth planning, for example, treatment at a sanatorium, an easy trip, a vacation to visit relatives.

Studying, training, learning new skills is good practical medicine for a grieving person. They open a new circle of communication and give the idea that the deceased will be proud of the professional development of his beloved. Through the support of the church community, the church's support can be found in prayer and care for the needs of the widow. Loving and caring friends will pay attention and show understanding in such a difficult time.

It’s even worth looking for new hobbies - hobbies, without constantly being left alone with the memories of your deceased spouse.

The time has come for the widow, who previously had a personal interest, to return to her affairs. Returning to reality with hope will allow her to overcome doubts about whether there is life after the death of her beloved husband.

Charity

An ancient wisdom says: if it is difficult to cope with grief, find someone who is also having a hard time and help. It is no coincidence that widows have always been pillars of charity in society.

Modern realities allow a woman to overcome misfortune, gain new meaning and get rid of depression through volunteering, missionary work, helping all socially maladjusted people (orphans, old people, disabled people, widows, single mothers). Bringing shopping to an old relative or babysitting your neighbor's children is not only good, but it goes beyond your grief.

A special favor for a widower may be the memory of his wife and his life's affairs. It is enough to mention the great achievement of Margarita Tuchkova, the husband and wife of the general who died in Borodino, who organized and honored the memory of the heroes of the battle and supported many widows of that time. Even if the deceased was an ordinary person, you can collect memories of him for children, his landmarks, and organize a charity event in his honor. For example, the American tradition of installing memory sofas in hospital receptions or on park benches is impressive. The widow of an ordinary physical education teacher in a provincial Russian city, together with the administration of the school where her husband worked, organizes annual streetball tournaments. And let the prizes be handmade cakes - a new generation of children will recognize her husband’s name.

Consult a priest

In order not to fall into an acute state of mourning or chronic depression, you should contact a priest. A competent minister will tell you what to do when a loved one dies, how to survive his death while saving yourself. Many signs of grief extend the consequences, so it is better to have a counseling conversation with a pastor.

When should you see a psychologist?

1. Despair

When depression reaches such a stage as despair, and the widower is not able to independently go through all the stages of living the pain from the death of her husband or wife, it is time to turn to a psychologist or psychiatrist. The choice of specialist depends on the psychological state of the widower. Despair can develop into severe mental disorders. Psychologists can cope with post-traumatic syndrome and neuroses, but only a psychiatrist can cure more severe mental disorders, such as phobias, obsessive states, psychoses that reach schizophrenia. If loved ones notice alarming symptoms in the behavior of a widower, they should sound the alarm and not let the situation take its course.

1. Suicidal thoughts

Due to the loss of a husband or wife, the psyche is destabilized. Some begin to feel that the best solution is voluntary death. Thoughts of suicide bring out the strongest negativity on others. This is why those who have been trying to help a widower for a long time often begin to distance themselves from him: it is very difficult to resist negative attitudes. Close ones abstract themselves, trying to instinctively protect themselves from destructive negativity. This can be a fatal mistake, since the psyche of a person who has experienced the death of his wife or husband can push him to commit suicide. Such people urgently need qualified help. Under no circumstances should you turn away from a person in such a state, it is dangerous for his life. According to statistics, most suicides occur due to the death of loved ones.

1. Denial of loss

This is a defense mechanism that tends to take different forms. It can be expressed in denial of the very fact of death, its significance or irreversibility. After the loss of a loved one, one way or another destroys the connection with the deceased, but sometimes the psyche fails, and he unconsciously tries to get in touch with the deceased: out of habit, he begins to call him, talk about him as if he were alive, and see him in the crowd.

In some cases, widowers try to keep everything as it was with the deceased. For example, husbands leave their wife's dressing room in the same condition as when she was alive, putting her things in the same places. This behavior is normal for the first time after the funeral; it creates a kind of “buffer” that softens the loss. However, if this continues for months or years, you should consult a psychologist, since denial of loss can develop into more serious psychological disorders.

1. Uncontrollable emotional reactions

Against the background of stress, inappropriate emotional reactions may occur: hysterics, uncontrollable laughter, tears over “trifles.” For example, a woman who has lost her husband may cry for hours over a broken plate or laugh in a completely inappropriate situation. This is due to the suppression of emotions. If a widower is not able to fully give vent to his mental stress, it may manifest itself in an inadequate form. Such deviations are characteristic of introverts who cannot share their experiences with others. In order for a person of a closed personality type to fully experience grief, he needs the help of a psychologist.

1. Extreme weight loss

This symptom indicates that a person is unable to perform basic everyday tasks. The death of a wife or husband is so unsettling that the spouse forgets to take care of himself and maintain important biological functions. Loss of appetite is common to people who have experienced a serious shock in life. But when this period drags on, and even external changes in the body are already evident, you need to seek help.

Attention: if you cannot cope with the bitterness of loss alone, you should not be afraid to go to specialists. This is a competent and sure way of healing from the heavy burden of losing a loved one.

Tips for relatives

The help of relatives plays an invaluable role for the widow. Even in the acute phase of grief, she screams that she doesn’t want to see anyone - support is extremely necessary these days and there is no need to leave it.

During this time, friends and family can:

• spend time together, be there for her in difficult times (sometimes it’s enough to sit next to her and hug her);
• support in going to church (for example, in case of suicidal thoughts, self-harm) or in very severe cases even going to the doctor to find a qualified specialist;
• call and correspond on neutral topics;
• listen to the widow;
• involve her/him in new activities.

It is advisable to avoid cliché words of consolation - everything will be fine, time heals, etc.!