How to survive betrayal. 7 steps to a new life | Psychology of life

Act solely in your own interests.

⠀If you found out about cheating due to someone’s “good” will (demonstrative SMS on the phone, marks left on a shirt, etc.), do not go to extremes and do not break off relations with your partner immediately. Give yourself time to analyze and cool down as much as possible. Then tune in to an open dialogue: ask calmly and with a cool mind the questions that concern you.

Talk to your partner - it is likely that in this case the “well-wisher” is leading you to a quick emotional breakup.

If you are told about cheating in hints or anonymously, think about the motive for such a message and whether everything is really as described to you. It is unlikely that a person friendly to you will act this way.

How to act for a man who cannot forgive

Many men cannot forgive cheating, but wives usually cheat not for the sake of sex as such, but because of problems in communication and mutual understanding with their husbands. If a man does not accept the fact of his guilt, it means that he values the relationship doubtfully, and there is no point in continuing it.

Physical infidelity does not mean that the spouse has fallen out of love. Most likely, this whole situation makes her suffer no less. It is important to try to understand whether this is actually the case. After all, if a person sincerely repents, and the causes of the offense are eliminated, then the likelihood of its repetition in the future is reduced to zero, which means it will be much easier to forgive.

It’s a completely different matter if a woman cheats because she’s fallen out of love. Here the question is no longer whether it is worth forgiving or not, but whether it is necessary to continue this relationship at all. If a marriage has already outlived its usefulness, then there is no point in holding on to it - it will bring even more pain and suffering. There is nothing good in living side by side with a person who literally makes you sick.

Analyze your role in the current situation

There are very few pathological cheaters in serious relationships. In the overwhelming majority of cases, this is a man’s reaction to the circumstances that have developed within your interpersonal relationships. Repeated betrayal is likely only if the mistakes made are not corrected.

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A person and his love union are not the same thing. And male infidelity has nothing to do with your female defeat. Cheating does not devalue you or make you a victim or victim.

If you are faced with betrayal, think, evaluate the relationship, what you or your partner did not do enough in this union. Not for everyday life, not for financial well-being, mortgages or external markers of success, but specifically for relationships. This is a good reason to look at the situation soberly and finally take care of yourself. The revelation of betrayal is always a huge stress not only for the one who was cheated on, but also for the one who cheated.

How to forgive your wife's betrayal and move on?

Is there family life after cheating? How to find the strength to forgive? Don't fantasize about what's happening in your family right now. Find out this, find out what your wife’s attitude is to what happened. People are prone to making mistakes, prone to making mistakes that they later repent of. In particular, female infidelity often indicates unspoken problems and a lack of understanding between spouses. Perhaps she was trying to tell you about emotional problems, but you could not perceive them, and she did not have the courage and directness to continue to talk about them further, to insist and look for solutions.

Or was there no participation or desire on your part to build relationships? With this type of dry, lifeless, essentially formal relationship, the woman perceives herself as unnecessary to her husband and unloved. She, trying to get rid of the experience of the emptiness of her own life, can find a way out in third-party relationships, especially if there is an understanding boyfriend nearby who is ready to demonstrate participation and be attentive to her, which is fueled by her inaccessibility and reluctance to actually break family ties and cheat on her husband.

If you dream of building a quality relationship in principle, without even considering now, whether with this woman or in the future, you need to face your personal fears. And those sides that you did not want to notice, recognize as part of reality, wanting to follow only your decisions.

Women consider relationships to be the main value in life. When a wife cheats, very rarely it is just a need for sexual contact with another man; rather, it is a cry for attention and help, an attempt to find a genuine relationship and understanding. In a situation of female infidelity, it is not hedonistic needs that come to the forefront, but the desire to build relationships. Women more often become attached to one constant man, which is facilitated by the production of the hormone oxytocin, which is released in women during orgasm in greater quantities than in men, the attachment hormone.

The criteria for betrayal are individual for each couple. For some, correspondence on a social network is treason; for others, having sexual intercourse is not true treason. And as practice shows, more often than not relationships are destroyed not only by the fact of betrayal, but because of the consequences, the fact that the married couple was unable to draw conclusions and took the road of further destruction of the relationship. Also, in case of suspicion and constant reminders to his wife, even regretting the betrayal, he thinks about leaving for the reason that the betrayal will not be forgotten or forgiven.

There are two common opinions: one is that you need to forgive betrayal, the other is that you absolutely cannot do this. The male opinion is often that the wife, by cheating, is looking for freedom or intimate pleasures. However, statistics confirm that she is looking for a relationship that, as it turns out, may not actually exist in the family. It happens that after years of marriage, spouses come to understand the existence of a family as a system with its responsibilities, but the absence of genuine intimacy, the relationship itself. A woman, looking for a third-party relationship, usually experiences problems with self-esteem, the difficulty of living as a full-fledged woman, and requires recognition from a man. If she doesn’t get it in marriage, it’s only a matter of time before the wife starts looking for another relationship and whether it will work out.

The problem of female infidelity arises from a lack of self-satisfaction, which ultimately leads to the desire to receive external evaluation. Receiving the attention and recognition of men, a woman temporarily experiences an increase in strength and feels complete. In a marriage, even with mutual feelings, the spouses get used to each other over time, the woman stops receiving courtship from her husband, but continues to greatly need them.

Here we come to the basis of the opinion that once a person has cheated, he will always cheat, and the only right decision is to break up. Yes, if you don’t work with the internal psychological situation, then the problem of betrayal will not go away. A woman needs to resolve the problem with her self-esteem, personal significance, ability to enjoy life, deep satisfaction from her feminine nature.

How to forgive your wife's betrayal and move on? A man must understand for himself why he chose this particular woman, and how, perhaps, his behavior strategy is consistent with the behavior of a woman with low self-esteem. What does it take for your wife to feel satisfied with you?

If the emotional nature of your wife requires attention, then a husband who does not want to face betrayal must be able to listen to his wife, let her speak out, because this is how she splashes out her emotions and shares her experiences. Today, many relationships often have a male orientation, partners live like friends, business associates, and femininity remains unrealized, finding expression only in children, rare moments of marital romance and, as in our situation, in new connections on the side. To save your marriage, you need to learn to maintain the authenticity of the relationship and deepen it, which is a lot of work for both.

Keep your emotions under control

Do not give excessive free rein to destructive emotions, try to realize what is really happening, and identify your own goals - how you want to solve this problem (save your family or union, separate comfortably, change your attitude towards what is happening, or simply start life again).

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Together is impossible. My husband proposes divorce - what should I do? Based on your and only your goal, build an algorithm of behavior with your man. In some cases, there is a chance to preserve the union and make it more pleasant for both partners, even after cheating. This is indeed possible, so don’t cut and burn bridges at once.

Where does female infidelity come from?

If you decide to save your family and improve your relationship with your wife, then you will have to start by analyzing the reasons why the betrayal happened. This is necessary in order to eliminate the problem in the future, because if this is not done, then the wife will cheat again. But you probably don’t want this? To eliminate the reason that prompts your wife to cheat on you, you need to find out. This can be done either through a direct conversation with your wife or with the help of a psychologist who will offer the following options:

The wife cheats on her husband, who himself betrays her. A man in such a situation quite often allows himself to commit actions that he is not able to forgive his wife if she also commits them. A wife, seeing how her husband constantly looks at other women, flirts with them, even sleeps, may soon stop shedding tears and start cheating herself. The reason is obvious, as is the solution.
The wife is cheating because her husband has not been paying attention to her for a long time. Husbands often make the mistake of thinking that their wives don’t need anything else from them once the wedding is over and children are born. Women continue to need attention from the opposite sex. If a wife does not receive love, attention and other pleasant feelings from her husband, she can get it with her lover.
The wife cheats because of her lover's generosity or his money. Not all husbands are oligarchs. Not all women are happy to marry a millionaire. Having a family with an ordinary worker, a woman may not receive financial assistance from him or may be in dire need of additional money. If she comes across a man who gives her expensive gifts and even helps her financially, then she can become his mistress.
The wife cheats because her feelings for her husband have changed. With age, everything changes. Just as men change their views on their lives, so a woman can understand that she has connected her life with a good, but not always interesting, man.
The wife receives sexual satisfaction. Not only men can cheat for sex, but also women. This can happen if the husband has stopped sleeping with his wife altogether or has stopped satisfying her sexually, having sex automatically.
The wife is curious. Women also like variety, not only in sex, but also in feelings.
My wife fell in love. This is possible in families where spouses have been together for a long time, their feelings have subsided, and then opportunities appear that excite passion and love.
The wife is under stress or crisis. Her husband does not show attention or understanding to her, so she found all this on the side.
The wife has already stopped loving her husband, does not respect him and wants to leave.

Knowing the reasons for female infidelity, you can understand what actions will help the husband forgive his wife and return her back to the family in order to renew the relationship.

Ask yourself questions. And answer them honestly

Don't get into your partner's soul. He may, under the influence of his condition or circumstances, say something that will resonate with serious pain in your heart, and the wounds after these words will take a long time to heal, and in a week the person himself will not even remember his words.

If your partner cheated, but does not try to make amends, you should not try to reason with him. In this case, it is better to turn to yourself and ask yourself a few questions:

How do I feel about what is happening to me? Do I agree to this?
How do I feel when all this happens: anger, irritation, resentment, sadness?
Am I ready to live in this situation and how long can I live like this?
What date (what period) do I set for myself to stop enduring all this?

What to do to get your husband to forgive you for cheating

There are many families where husbands forgave their wives after infidelity and lived happily. If love is stronger than resentment, then the man will accept his wife back into the family. Moreover, some are even ready to accept the fact that their wife is pregnant from someone else. Of course, this is very rare, but it does happen.

It is unlikely that cheaters will be able to achieve quick forgiveness. You need to give your husband time to think about the situation and make a decision. In no case should you put pressure on your partner or blame him for instigating the betrayal, since this will definitely not achieve forgiveness. In order to be forgiven, you need to:

admit that you have committed a disgusting act;
ask for sincere forgiveness;
show your husband your love and that he is the only person you need;
forget forever the person you cheated on and don’t even dare communicate with him;
understand how your loved one feels and repent.

Understand how critical the situation is

If a partner cheats regularly, but does not leave, it means that he believes that he is allowed to do so (even if subconsciously) and feels his power.

Usually such people are more confident in themselves. They arrange their lives so that finances and housing are under their control, they use double standards: “I can, but you can’t.”

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When a person cheats and no one stops him, his partner gradually takes up less and less space, falling into a dependent position. If you are able to live on your own, then it is better to end the relationship, because otherwise it will destroy your faith in yourself.

Dependent relationships cannot be complete and cannot fill you with resources. They are destructive.

Ways to forgive your wife after she cheated

If preserving your family and relationship with the woman you love comes first, and a man is at least theoretically ready to start moving forward, try to forgive his wife, then you should adhere to a certain model of behavior. Under no circumstances should you panic or act rashly.

Where to start

The first thing to do is to calm down and organize your thoughts. You won’t be able to forget anything, but hysterics, screaming, and aggression will only worsen the situation. Also, under no circumstances should you withdraw into yourself and engage in self-flagellation. Even if the reason for the betrayal lies in the behavior of the husband, you need to stop focusing on it.

A good way to abstract yourself from the situation, while trying to understand it at the same time, is to go somewhere for a while where no one will interfere with your privacy. Left alone with yourself, you need to ask the question: why did everything happen, what did the spouse lack or, on the contrary, was excessive.

Most often, both spouses are to blame. It is worth taking a closer look at yourself and your actions. A woman lives in a world of emotions and feelings. When a man stops paying her due attention, spends his time on someone or something else, she subconsciously tries to fill the inner emptiness. If the husband is constantly busy at work or prefers leisure with friends, it is not surprising that the wife tries to somehow compensate for the lack of attention and seeks a relationship with someone else.

Frank dialogue

When your thoughts are a little put in order, you need to figure out what happened in the family and caused the betrayal. Something went wrong? Was there love? A situation like this never arises out of nowhere, so you need to answer these questions at least for yourself. When an opinion is formed, you need to sit down at the negotiating table with your spouse.

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Further actions will depend entirely on the wife’s answers. If the love has passed, and the betrayal was repeated, then there is no point in forgiving or continuing the relationship. The best solution would be to break up. You won’t be nice by force, trying to somehow restore a collapsed marriage will not work, because of this, your mental and physical health will be significantly damaged. In such a situation, you should concentrate on yourself, on restoring your emotional state, and striving to start a new life.

If at least one of the partners falls out of love, the betrayal will continue. The sooner you break off such a relationship, the better. It’s a completely different matter if the wife cheated, succumbing to circumstances, but still loves her husband. In this case, it will be very difficult to forgive her; the relationship will crack in any case. If you do not discuss this situation, do not analyze it from all sides, then it will constantly make itself felt in the form of reproaches, insults, outbursts of jealousy, mistrust and scandals. If you leave everything to chance, the cracks in the marriage will only continue, and sooner or later the marriage itself will fall apart.

It’s worth asking your spouse directly what happened, why she decided to have a relationship with another man, even if she cheated with her ex. As a rule, a woman will try to express all the grievances that she has accumulated and will stop keeping them to herself. No matter how painful it may be to listen to all this, there will be an opportunity to work on yourself and avoid many mistakes in the future.

Help from a psychotherapist

Not every man can go to see a specialist. In addition, it is recommended to do this together with your spouse. But it is better to turn to a psychologist, since he will help build a dialogue between husband and wife, especially if this cannot be done on your own, but the desire to save the marriage is still present.

If it is not possible to contact a psychotherapist, for example, due to reluctance to take the problem outside the family, it is worth engaging in self-education together with your wife, always maintaining a dialogue.

The basis for restoring relationships can only be constant work on mistakes. It is unlikely that you will be able to reconcile, but you need to learn to trust each other again, no matter how difficult it may be.

But if after the betrayal the spouses still separate, then the man is strongly recommended to consult a specialist. A psychologist's advice will help you benefit from loneliness and not fall into the abyss of despair. Advice depends entirely on the situation, but in any case it will be based on the need to accept the changes that have occurred in the family.

A psychologist will help only when there is a willingness to change your life, paying attention to what is important, without succumbing to complexes or constant internal struggle. You need to be honest with yourself and not let your emotions take control of your mind. You shouldn’t withdraw into yourself; the best way to cope with the situation is to open up to the world, find strength and reasons to live on. It would be optimal to concentrate on self-development, self-improvement, and try to develop your strengths. Only a spiritually and physically renewed man will be able to build a new relationship without constantly looking back at a broken marriage.

Appeal to the priest

You can contact a priest with a similar problem. A conversation with him will help restore his state of mind, try to understand himself, because a person comes to church with a similar question completely devastated, insensitive, and lost on the path.

If love, harmony and peace reign between spouses, there is no place for betrayal. Fertile ground for infidelity is constant scandals, conflicts, quarrels and mutual reproaches. The coldness, inattention and rudeness of a husband often pushes his wife to cheat, so it is worth supporting her more often and devoting time.

The Gospel says that permission for divorce can only be obtained if it is a woman who has cheated, and not a man. In the Old Testament, the penalty for adultery was death. But the clergy are not so categorical and advise dealing with the problem through dialogue and building relationships based on mutual respect.

Adultery is a grave sin for both a woman and a man, but you can’t give up on your spouse; both should think about it and draw appropriate conclusions, analyze their behavior and understand what led to the tragedy.

Although in Orthodoxy female infidelity is considered a serious reason for church and civil divorce, in the Gospel there is a commandment about all-forgiving love for a repentant brother. When a wife repents to her husband, no matter how offended he is, he is obliged to forgive her. But if infidelity happens regularly, divorce is inevitable from a church point of view.

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Confession and prayer

Confession will help release accumulated emotions, because if a person speaks out, it will become easier. In such cases, St. Nicholas the Wonderworker is supposed to pray; it is believed that after this the spouse will repent of the committed carnal sin. The process is as follows:

Purchase 6 candles from the temple.
Place 3 candles near the icon of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker.
When crossing yourself, silently say the prayer: “Nicholas the Wonderworker, let my wife come to her senses from betrayal, let her honor and dignity be remembered. Amen".
Collect holy water and return home.
When left alone at home, light the remaining candles, place a container of holy water and an icon of St. Nicholas the Pleasant nearby. Continue reading the prayer.

The main goal of these actions is to save the spouse. The prayer should be read slowly, meaningfully, sincerely addressing higher powers. The cinders of burnt candles must be taken back to the temple.

Analyze the goal.

If a person is not prone to cheating, but it still happened, perhaps an unconscious desire to destroy the relationship was at work.

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Leftist and marriage. What benefits can adultery bring? A man does not want to go through this alone; it is important for him to find someone on the side, someone who will support him in his desire to leave the relationship. The mistress often acts as an external support point. It becomes a tool for solving personal problems.

If you feel that the betrayal had precisely this purpose, leave the relationship and do not try to look for those responsible.

Important addition

The other day I watched the program “On Knives” on the Friday TV channel. And there was a story about a husband and wife running a restaurant, but the husband went to the left and was caught doing it. His wife seemed to have forgiven him, but inner anger constantly took revenge on him and hated him. So, if you decide to forgive, then forgive completely, if you cannot forgive, end the relationship.

I can’t forgive: advice from a psychologist

Many men have a problem with forgiveness. It seems that there is a desire to save the family, let go of the situation and return to the old relationship. But something prevents me from forgetting what is happening.

“My wife cheated on me with a friend. Former friend. We have a lot in common with her, we’ve been through a lot. We've been together almost half our lives, three children are growing up. I would like to forgive the betrayal, but I cannot forget her betrayal. I can’t sleep with her, I don’t believe her words, I constantly imagine her with another man. How can I survive this?

Such letters are not uncommon. Men often experience rejection from their spouse after betrayal:

Every word seems like a lie . After all, she hid her betrayal for so long, and you didn’t even notice. This means that she is a master at lying, how can we believe her now?
Seems like a stranger . After the truth has been revealed, you may wonder - do I know my wife well? What else is she hiding? Previously, she seemed like the closest person, but now it’s like a gap between you.
Jealousy and suspicion . Even if a person was not jealous before, after the betrayal of a loved one, he can become so. Phone checks, interrogations, surveillance, trying to find evidence of treason. Fear again of not noticing obvious signs. It exhausts both the man and the woman.
Problems in sex life . When you are close, unpleasant thoughts may enter your head. And in what poses did they do it? How to kiss her after giving a blowjob to someone else? Were they protected? How was he better than me? Maybe now she is pretending that she likes it. From such thoughts, desire disappears, the man denies his wife intimacy.

In such a situation, the marriage is doomed. No one can withstand such tests. A man is constantly worried, nervous, and does not trust his loved one. This will not lead to anything good.

How to forget your wife's betrayal

If possible, it is better to go to a psychologist. Only a personal consultation will help you get out of this state. But if you can’t or don’t want to, you can get rid of unpleasant memories at home.

Remember the past. Try to think more often about all the good things that connect you with your wife. Over all the years together, you have probably gone through a lot that is much more significant than this unpleasant situation. Look through photos, videos, and immerse yourself in pleasant memories together: your acquaintance, wedding, vacation, birth of your first child, raising children, funny situations from life, etc.
Create new memories . You need to force an unpleasant period of life out of your memory, and it’s best to replace it with something good. Take the two of you on a vacation you've always wanted to go to. Spend time together so that positive emotions are associated with your wife. Ask parents to supervise children to ensure there are no distractions from the romantic setting.
Make a list of your wife's virtues . Why do you value and love her? Why are you saving your marriage? She is an excellent housewife, beautiful, an excellent cook, a wonderful mother, supports you in bad times, never nags or scolds you for your shortcomings.
Discuss the rules . To make it easier for you to forgive your wife, discuss with her the prohibitions and your wishes. Offer something that will help you get rid of bad thoughts and memories from your head. Ask to change jobs, where she sees her ex-lover. Find out the password for your phone so you can check it at any time. She never dropped or ignored calls. Most likely, she will meet you halfway, making reasonable changes in her lifestyle to make it easier for you to let go of the situation.
Change your surroundings . In some cases, everything around reminds you of your wife’s betrayal. This is especially true for small towns, where everyone knows everything or you can run into her lover. To save your family, you can move to another city, change apartment, sell your wife’s car, throw away some things. You can also change the circle of acquaintances who witnessed the betrayal, but did not report it to the husband.
Avoid the topic of cheating . Songs, films, books, stories of acquaintances - all this can stir up forgotten pain, and you will start the journey all over again. If it is possible to avoid triggers, there is no need to specifically stumble upon them. Associations will take you back to a previous state, so you simply cannot forget about what happened.
Don't wallow in grief . Sometimes being offended is very convenient. After all, then the wife will do her best to atone for her guilt - compliments, favorite dishes, pleasure in bed, absence of reproaches and comments. You can get the hang of it and use the situation to your advantage. But with protracted demonstrative resentment, you only alienate your spouse from yourself. At some point, she may decide that there is nothing to save here and will simply leave. You don't want this, do you?

Don't think that you will completely get rid of the memories of your wife's betrayal. At times you will remember what happened with sadness. But in another happy moment together, you will be glad that you were able to forgive your wife for cheating and saved your family. It's so hard to find someone worth holding on to.