How to survive betrayal? 3 stages of experiencing betrayal and advice from a psychologist.

• How to deal with feelings?
• Is it worth saving the family?
• Relationships after cheating
• After cheating, what should a man do?
• If you decide to break up...
• Let's start a new life
• Bottom line

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If a man finds out about his wife's infidelity, no one will envy him. Psychologists also cannot say that the feelings and experiences that overtake a man in such a situation will pass painlessly for him. If his wife’s betrayal is discovered, the man inevitably faces a choice: leave or stay? The men's magazine masculino.ru will look in more detail at how to live on after your wife's betrayal.

Cheating is one of the painful situations that a person can face. It is impossible to reliably say who suffers more, a man or a woman, when a loved one betrays him. We can say that everyone’s soul hurts when they find out that their significant other is cheating. Moreover, it adds even more to the understanding of the fact that betrayal did not happen just once and out of stupidity, but happens constantly, when sober.

A wife cheating is a severe blow to a man’s self-esteem and entire worldview. If before this he loved and trusted his wife, then we can say that after her betrayal he will no longer be able to experience such feelings. Cheating is an indicator that the other half is already dissatisfied with their partner. This means that the man is bad in some way, does not measure up, does not satisfy. The worst news may be that the husband is simply bad in bed, because this also affects his masculine pride.

Cheating on his wife causes many internal experiences that instantly overwhelm a man. However, this does not relieve him of the need to make a decision: to leave his wife in order to start a new life, or to remain in the family, while forgiving the cheater? Psychologists give the most important recommendation - when making a decision, think exclusively with your own head. It’s not your mothers or friends who should advise you on what to do in this situation, but you personally should understand your desires and readiness for how to live further.

How to deal with feelings?

The first thing a man will face after learning that his wife is cheating is his personal experiences. The feelings will be so overwhelming that he will not be able to think, work or concentrate about anything else. This is a completely normal phenomenon, since this event is significant for a man. How to deal with your own feelings?

1. You should not fence yourself off from them. Of course, your feelings are unlikely to be full of love and desire to bring good to all people. However, suppressed aggression and hatred will not bring any benefit. It is better if a man can completely isolate himself from people for a couple of days, be alone and even move away from home in order to allow himself to worry, be with his thoughts and desires, and express all his aggression without harm to others.

You can take a two-day vacation to go to the sea or somewhere in nature, so that, if necessary, you can allow yourself to destroy, beat, and vent all your aggression. What else needs to be done during this time? Not only to throw out the emotions that have overwhelmed you, but also to come to your senses, hear your own desires and, based on them, decide what to do next with the relationship.

You should make a decision solely based on your own desires, and not the attitude of “What will other people think?” You live your life, not other people. Allow yourself to live the way you want and make other people respect your choices.

1. Do not take revenge on your lover or your wife. The lover is not to blame for anything. He might not know about your existence. He could simply not resist a beautiful woman. By and large, the situation was created by your wife, who, if she did not want to cheat on you, would not have slept with another man. The lover does not need to take revenge, since you could have been in his place.

As for your wife, you don’t need to waste your energy on her either. Your task is to decide: stay with her or break up? Don't waste your energy on anything else. Either you will stay with your wife, which will require forgiveness from you, not revenge. Or you will separate from your wife, which will require you to concentrate on other people in order to safely forget your wife.

A man can be understood, especially his feelings. It turns out that more than 15% of all marriages occur on the initiative of men, because their wives cheated on them. Can you imagine how many men have gone through the same thing that you are going through? Understand that you are not the only person on the planet who has gone through infidelity and solved this problem. You will have to spend some time on this; you will not eliminate all the unpleasant moments in one day. However, remember that it will soon become easier for you, no matter how you decide to live.

Think about what these memories want to tell you

You remember your husband’s betrayal for a reason. Not because you are a bad person and are unable to forgive your partner or do not want to save the marriage. Most likely, your feelings are trying to tell you that some issues remain unresolved and that your relationship needs more attention. For example, your sex life has become too bland or your husband is constantly in conflict with his daughter, and you are forced to be torn between them, as if between two fires. If you continue to ignore these warning signs, your unconscious mind will send them again and again.

Technique 3: Return to the journal entries that your inner voice dictated to you. Once you've filtered out the exaggerations, you're left with some pretty straightforward problems. For example, balancing work and home life; go out somewhere together, because you haven’t done this even once in the last couple of months. Once you've figured out what the memories are telling you, it's only logical to take practical steps to solve these problems. For example, turn off your phone after 9 pm or book a table at your favorite restaurant.

Is it worth saving the family?

A man inevitably faces a dilemma: should he save his family or should he divorce his wife? Each man will still have to make a decision on his own. Let's just turn to practice.

About 80% of families survive a woman’s infidelity, but within 5 years they still break up. At first, the family is preserved only because there are already common children. However, husbands soon realize that they cannot forgive, touch, trust, or generally see the women who deceived them.

For what reasons does preserving a family not lead to its longevity?

• The wife continues to cheat because she sees that her husband will forgive her.
• The wife refuses to have new children with her husband, which further strengthens his doubts.
• The wife becomes pregnant from her lover.
• The child of the spouses will take the position of the father, which helps the husband to divorce his wife.
• The opinion of the man’s relatives and friends, who will begin to accuse him of being soft.
• Increasing frequency of family scandals, husband's passion for alcohol, inability to forget about the past and the emergence of new reproaches.
• A decrease in the husband’s material income or an improvement in the wife’s financial position.
• The betrayal of her husband, who also wanted to take a walk to the left.

If a man decides to save his family, then this is not about resigning himself to his wife’s infidelities, but to the upcoming work that both spouses must carry out. If the wife does not apologize, does not repent, does not try to return to the family, then the man should not save the family either. You shouldn’t humiliate yourself and lose even more self-respect.

Relationships after cheating

If a man decides to stay in the family, then he should not expect that he can instantly forgive his wife. He will continue to suspect her for a long time, not trust her, and hate her for what she has done. However, if both spouses decide to live together after cheating, then certain adjustments should be made to their relationship:

1. Never remember the past.
2. Solve all problems that arise in the family. Everyone expresses their opinion, has the right to express their attitude to what their partner says or does, and remain heard.
3. Add more humor, positivity, romance, understanding and support to your relationship. Try to smooth out conflicts and improve the lives of all family members.

A man should not expect to forgive his wife quickly. This will take a lot of time. However, you should remain honest all this time. If you have not yet forgiven your wife, then tell her so directly. However, do not say this so that she will atone for your sins. Just state the fact, but do not expect anything from your wife, but simply say that time must pass.

After cheating, what should a man do?

1. Don't show your wife's importance to you. Let her show her attitude towards you. If she wants to be with you, then let her come to you to make peace and ask you to stay with her. If she doesn't, then maybe it's time to break up.
2. Be categorical. If the argument has reached a dead end, you have stopped hearing each other, then you need to get up and leave, and not continue the conflict.
3. You can make your wife jealous. However, this advice should not always be used. If a woman, after being jealous of you, becomes inflamed with the desire to be with you again, then you can act accordingly. However, if jealousy will lead to exactly the opposite result, then it should not be caused.

If you decide to separate from your wife, then remain consistent with your opinion, no matter what your wife says or does. And she will try to get you back, because she sees that you have decided to break up with her.

If you decide to break up...

Your wife cheated, after which you decided to leave. Now begins a new life that you should stick to if you want to forget everything and start a new love relationship with a woman who will interest you. To do this, do:

1. Work or hobbies. Immerse yourself in something completely with your head.
2. Shaping your environment. If you need to break up with some people, break up with them. If you need to connect with someone, do it. Don't avoid meeting new people with both men and women. All this will allow you to enter a new life.
3. With your feelings. At first, don’t block anything in yourself. If you remember your ex, get angry, worry, then allow yourself these feelings. Over time, you will become tired and begin to feel different emotions.
4. With money. A man's self-confidence increases if he has finances that he can spend on whatever he wants. This can be done while you are single and while you are just changing your life.

Cheating husband, advice from a psychologist. Stage 1 - Shock

The first batch of tips is focused on your actions in the first days after learning the terrible news.

Description of the period: unstable mood - sometimes rage, sometimes despair, sometimes hatred, sometimes love.

Duration of period: 1-2 weeks.

Main goal: survive the shock.

1. Stop yourself from making decisions. Because they will be taken solely under the influence of the stress hormone. And don’t tell me: “I thought and decided!” At this time, you simply physically cannot think objectively. I wish I could remember the multiplication table.
2. Start collecting information about the phenomenon of betrayal. Articles, forums, books, communication. For what? Then, to regain the ability to think. Now it seems to you that this is “horror-horror.” But after reading the articles, hearing other people’s stories, you will understand that “yes, horror. But not horror-horror-horror.” In a clever way this is called reducing dramatization.
3. Don't be alone. Always with someone nearby. You can do it silently. Because you are now a little energy vampire. Yes, sorry, but it's true. And there is nothing selfish about receiving strength from somewhere. In the end, every person wants to be needed by someone. Let your loved ones, friends and even just friends be needed. There is no need to discuss your troubles with everyone. You just need someone whose company you don’t mind to be in the room.
4. Find a trusted person who will listen to your stories and wipe away your tears. This is where we need to talk. It would be better if it was a psychologist. As a last resort - a friend. So that you can cry out your sadness, your grief. Cry it out as many times as your soul needs.

The most common mistakes : focusing on your misfortune and pain. Blame one person for everything: yourself or him.

Stage 2. Reboot

The most painful and responsible stage. This is where what happens next is decided. This is where it passes from the acute phase to the chronic phase.

Description of the period: emotional swing - sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Duration of the period: according to my observations, from a month to six months. If it takes longer, it means someone is deliberately delaying it.

The main goal: decide how to live further.

Tip 1. Instead of self-flagellation, write down all the thoughts that come to mind in the form of abstracts. You will think a lot about your mistakes. Don’t mull them over in your head, but write them down: “You can’t do this, you have to do this…”

Tip 2. Focus on your man. Try to understand his behavior. I know it sounds like, “Guess what the frog is thinking.” And I know that you always want to show him your feelings and pain. But now the main thing is to figure out whether he is ready to work on the situation and correct mistakes. It is at this stage that women usually come to me and together we figure out what the traitor now means when he says certain words. And how to convey to him what you want.

Tip 2+ . There is no man next to you yet. It's simpler. There is no need to carry anything to anyone. You will pay your pain to the psychologist, and having become wiser and more beautiful, you will go to build new relationships!

Tip 3. The greatest flow of pain that can occur after betrayal occurs during this period. Get rid of pain. Use your entire arsenal of tools, don’t disdain anything. Neither esotericism, nor meditation, nor logic.

Tip 4. Remember that you are building a world for two. With this man or with another, there should be a place in your soul and in your life for a man and his interests. And yours too! Necessarily!

The most common mistakes: overdoing it with “tightening the screws” with a husband who admitted his guilt; believe your pride and refuse to give a chance to someone who truly deserves it; to be sure that “the man was grinding today, there are no longer any reliable ones.”

Let's start a new life

Men don't have much patience. I want to immediately forget about my ex-wife and her betrayal as soon as the man broke up with her and started a new life. However, not everything is so smooth. You will have to live with your negative experiences and feelings for some time. However, you can help them pass as quickly as possible.

Write a letter to your wife. Express in it everything you think about her, how you remember her, what worries you. Write everything that comes to mind. Don't limit yourself in expressions and emotions. Then burn the letter. You can also write letters in the following days, setting out in them everything that you would like to say to your ex-wife. Do this until your emotions let you go.

Your task in your new life should be to let go of all grievances and claims against your wife. You should generally forgive your wife so that any memories of her do not bother you. Forgiveness does not mean wanting to return to your wife. To forgive means to stop blaming her for anything and generally to be interested in her personality.

If you want to let go on all four sides

You need to get a divorce beautifully. You should not hold anger and hatred towards your spouse, who is about to become an ex. Find a bit of nobility and condescension in yourself, even if very soon the stamp in your passport will scream about your freedom.

How to forget your wife’s infidelity during a divorce:

1. Understand the absurdity of your emotions. If you are determined to file for divorce, then there is simply no point in not forgiving your spouse. Why extra resentment in your soul when very soon both of you will not be bound by marriage?
2. Rest. When a stressful situation has literally just happened, it is difficult to act rationally. But, if you have been nervous for a long time and accumulate evil within yourself, then you are harming yourself. Don't live in the past, try to switch to your favorite activities and relax. The nervous system will calm down, and it will become much easier to forgive your wife.
3. Wish your wife happiness. By spewing curses towards your unfaithful spouse, you gain absolutely nothing, but only escalate the situation. Tell your wife that you are grateful for the pleasant moments of your life together, but now your paths have diverged, and you wish her to find personal happiness with someone else. This way you will interrupt the series of conflicts, put a logical point and get out of the situation with dignity, like a real man.

Everything has already happened, the decision has been made, and it’s stupid to hold a grudge against your ex-wife. You will still meet a woman who will be faithful, so do not waste time on negative experiences and dream of a bright future.