How to survive a breakup without going crazy

Why do you feel bad from a scientific point of view?

The “broken” state after a breakup is caused by hormonal changes in the body. What distinguishes humans from primates and other animals are social bonds, which include love. To understand what happens to the brain during separation, it is necessary to determine the physiological processes that accompany falling in love.

Attraction. As soon as partners who are suitable for each other meet, those same “butterflies in the stomach” appear. The hormone testosterone is responsible for ensuring libido.
Love. Motivation to achieve a partner is provided by the hormone dopamine, which activates the reward system - internal confidence in pleasure with the object of passion. At this stage, cortisol is produced, which puts the body into a state of stress. Adrenaline begins to actively release, hence the pounding of the heart, the desire to jump at the sight of a loved one.
When you fall in love, norepinephrine levels increase. The hormone fixes in memory the stimuli associated with the object of passion - in scientific words this is called “imprinting”. The image of the beloved is sealed in the memory, which makes it difficult to survive the separation in the future. At the same time, the level of serotonin decreases, as in obsessive-compulsive disorder, obsessive thoughts about a loved one haunt you.

When everything is good in a relationship, there is a feeling of security and emotional stability. During sex and social contacts, partners produce the joy hormone oxytocin. This is how nature intended for the couple to stay together and raise their offspring to continue the species.

What happens to the body when you break up?

At the beginning of a relationship, the brain produces the joy hormones oxytocin and dopamine. When the object of passion is nearby, the reward system is activated - a feeling of happiness.

After a breakup, the reward system turns off, the protective pain perception system turns on, and stress hormones are produced. They affect the immune, cardiovascular and digestive systems, and the brain receives signals about physical pain. And although everything is fine with the body, it seems to the person that he is experiencing a painful shock.

The posterior cingulate gyrus begins to work intensively, sending pain signals to the neurons of the brain. When looking at a photograph of a former lover, the secondary somatosensory cortex and insula are activated, sending a signal of acute pain. At times of stress and social rejection, opioids are produced - natural painkillers, as in the case of a fracture or other sharp pain.

On a note!
Takotsubo syndrome is a malfunction of the heart muscle under the influence of stress hormones. In severe cases it leads to death. A popular name is broken heart syndrome.

When your partner says you need help, you both need it.

Too often it turns out that one person suffers from depression, and his spouse simply does not know how to help him, and therefore often hears only one phrase from the patient: “Leave me alone!” Even if your spouse doesn’t back down: “You need help. Please seek help!” - he again hears the angry “Leave me alone!”

The typical reaction of a depressed person to the recognition that he is not healthy and his condition is getting worse is anger. For some people, admitting this means falling in the eyes of their spouse. They become angry with themselves and others and try to adapt to the new state through avoidance and a feeling of genuine unwillingness to overcome depression. Instead of responding to their spouse's concerns, they explode in anger. It is a manipulative scare tactic to use anger as a weapon. This is a bad strategy: it prevents you from getting help, and it turns your spouse into a victim. This will only make your situation worse. Too often, the result of people not coping with depression is an avoidable breakup or divorce.

Put effectiveness above your personal comfort, above your fear and anxiety, above anything else that may be preventing you from overcoming depression and maintaining your relationship with your partner. As writer Bill Newman once said, “When you stop seeing the goal, you begin to see the obstacles.”

When your spouse tells you that you need help, he or she is letting you know that he or she is affected by what is happening to you. Why harm him (her) even more by ignoring his (her) concerns, simply because you are too lazy to delve into all this? Giving your spouse a voice is very brave of you. This does not mean that you indulge him (her) in everything. This means that you listen and acknowledge his or her needs and his or her perspective on the overall problem. After all, the most important thing is to maintain close relationships and get through difficult times together.

Defense reactions of the psyche

Knowing the processes that occur in a person’s psyche when a relationship ends will help you get over a separation from your loved one more quickly. The psychological defense mechanism is activated, these stages must be experienced.

Negation. At the first stage, a defensive reaction is activated in the form of denial of the fact. Women are especially prone to this. You can often hear the phrase “He left, but he has no one. So, sooner or later we will make peace.”
Crowding out. The abandoned partner convinces himself that the pain will soon go away. At this stage, it is necessary to work through grievances; the state of repression can drag on for several years.
Anger. A useful reaction to relieving tension is a stream of accusations and insults directed towards a former partner. Allows you to remember all the grievances, collect them into a single whole and, based on these facts, create a negative image of your partner.
Bargain. Setting a deadline during which the partner can return helps to survive the pain of parting with a loved one after a long relationship. A time stamp divides time into “before” and “after” and helps to psychologically accept the situation.
Regression. The beginning of a depressive period, when reactions are inhibited. The psychological defense mechanism is triggered: the will, the desire to live, and appetite disappear.
Depression. The realization comes that the past cannot be returned; the time for attempts at reconciliation has run out. A period of apathy, sadness and despair begins.
Sublimation. Immersion in work or hobbies helps to survive a difficult, painful breakup. Gradually, the traumatic event is erased from memory.
Adoption. After a sufficient period of time, the painful symptoms disappear and acceptance of the new situation begins. Mental strength is restored, a desire to move on appears, past relationships are perceived as a completed chapter.

On a note!
Before the stage of acceptance, a person who has experienced a painful separation from a loved one, the tension in the psyche is looking for a way out. Auto-aggression - acute reactions in the form of aggressive attacks on any word, turning to alcohol or angry posts on social networks.

What kind of support would you like to receive from your partner?

Instrumental support is assistance in achieving a specific goal. For example, financial assistance - a roof over your head and food on the table. Or support in fulfilling parental duties and equal distribution of responsibilities in raising children together.

Advertising

Information support is the provision of information to make sound decisions. For example, you can't give Ivan his new medications if you don't know that I took him to the doctor this morning.

Emotional support is a trusting relationship, care and participation. Often people just want to be listened to, their feelings, efforts and sacrifices acknowledged. Kind words go a long way in a good relationship.

But what happens if depression interferes with your relationship? A person suffering from depression becomes more emotionally dependent and requires more support. At the same time, he himself, as a rule, does not realize how demanding and in need of support he has become. While for his partner such guardianship becomes too burdensome, causing more tension than sympathy. But as soon as the partner tries to convey this information in the most delicate form to the person suffering from depression, the latter explodes. Research shows that this is the greatest danger to maintaining previous trusting relationships.

When a person suffering from depression feels unsupported, they begin to think that their spouse perceives them in a negative light. This, in turn, forces him to seek even more support, as a result of which the level of demands grows, and with it the feeling of a burden on the partner. It turns out to be a vicious circle.

Over time, a person suffering from depression begins to believe that no one (another danger of global thinking) can help him. Therefore, any participation (from the point of view of a healthy person) is perceived by the patient as a “dead poultice.” Depression increases the need for support, but at the same time reduces understanding and response to attempts by others to provide this support.

One way to push your spouse and friends away from you is to ignore or undermine their attempts to be sympathetic. And this, in turn, deprives the person trying to help you of motivation. And then the question arises: should you respond to your ever-increasing need for emotional support, or would it be more correct to notice and praise the efforts (insufficient, in your opinion) that others are making to support you?

How you deal with problems like these affects your recovery from depression, the strength of your marriage, and your physical health. Remember one simple rule: people are much more willing to respond to praise than to criticism. Very few are willing to accept that their efforts are in vain. Forcing yourself to see the good in a response that seems insufficient to you is not easy. However, it is vitally important to be able to do this, because sooner or later the depression will pass, and your spouse may no longer be with you.

How to help yourself

It is impossible to avoid a mixture of bitterness, resentment, hope and despair, but you can help yourself overcome this state. Don’t try to deny your emotions, run away from awareness, or consider them anger - work on restoring your inner balance and accepting the situation.

Reclaim your own identity

The main problem after a breakup is the loss of self-identity. During a relationship, your partner integrates into your life and a picture of a common future is built.

A broken picture of one’s own self prevents one from surviving a breakup with a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. Use a moment of crisis to reflect on your expectations from life. Build a picture of the future, define goals and move towards achieving them.

Keep a diary

Keeping a diary will help you express all the painful thoughts and feelings, calm your mind and regain control over your assessment of the situation. Write down on paper or type in a file everything you want to say to your ex-lover. Write down all your thoughts every day, trying to comprehend the past stage. This will help turn the past into experience and complete the process of realizing the separation.

Hang out with positive people

Many people have felt the same pain while suffering from love addiction. Talk to a positive person who has gone through a breakup and found peace of mind. Someone else's experience will make it clear that you can become happy.

Advice!
Avoid communicating with friends who consoling streams of negativity towards your ex or ex. By cultivating a negative attitude, you will become fixated on sad thoughts and revenge. This will prevent you from adequately assessing the situation and getting out of depression.

Phases of depression after a breakup

Distress after separation can go differently for each person: some will recover quickly and return to normal within a few days, while others will need a long vacation and the help of a psychologist. However, this condition has a general structure and certain stages in which it occurs in each person.

Psychologists divide depression after breakup into the following stages:

Negation.

If the decision to separate was made by one of the couple, for the other, such news will be sudden and may probably come as a shock. At the beginning, a person does not realize that the separation will be forever, he may decide for himself that not all is lost and the relationship can be returned. In this case, there is a defense mechanism of our psyche - denial.

The brain tries in every possible way to protect a person from stress. Even if the decision to separate was made during a discussion between both parties, the stage of denial still occurs. It can last from several days to several months, it depends on the individual mental characteristics of each person.

Anger.

At this stage, the person no longer denies the fact that he was abandoned. Since acceptance is still a long way off, the person experiences pain and regret from the separation, and begins to get angry at the ex-partner for forcing him to experience these unpleasant emotions. Usually, random meetings of ex-partners at this stage are accompanied by quarrels, swearing and heated discussions about who was to blame for what.

This becomes a problem if they have common children, who often become witnesses to these clarifications, which has a bad effect on their psycho-emotional state.

Steps towards reconciliation.

This stage is one of the most difficult. Its existence is explained by the fact that the brain is tired of negative emotions and adrenaline; to raise the emotional background, it requires hormones of happiness, which it previously habitually received from communicating with a loved one.

Therefore, the abandoned person makes attempts to revive old feelings and get back together with his former partner.

Depression.

After unsuccessful attempts to restore a former romantic relationship with a former partner, a person plunges into the most difficult stage of experiencing separation - depression. Apathy sets in, life seems destroyed, the meaning of what is happening and the desire to do anything are lost. This condition is dangerous if it drags on for a long period of time - for example, it can last for years.

In this case, you must consult a doctor and begin medication and psychotherapeutic treatment, otherwise the disorder will take a more severe form and can lead to alcohol or drug abuse, and in some cases to suicide.

Adoption.

The fifth and final phase is when a person realizes separation and that life goes on. At this stage, a person is able to let go of the past and continue to live a normal life, and most importantly, plan for his future.

Each person experiences all stages with different intensity and timing. This is due to a number of factors that can facilitate or complicate the course of the condition:

character traits;

person's self-esteem;

level of stress resistance;

the ability to experience negative emotions;

dysfunctions of the nervous system;

presence of psychological trauma;

reasons for separation;

age of separated people;

availability of common property during a divorce;

presence of children in marriage;

support for family and friends at all stages of separation.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

There is no clear answer to how long it takes to get over a breakup with your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. For some, a month is enough to get rid of thoughts about the past and start a new life, for others it takes years.

The intensity and duration of the experience directly depend on a combination of three factors:

type of temperament;
the circumstances under which the separation occurred;
the desire and effort put into starting life from scratch.

Psychologists believe that the norm for recovery after a break is up to 1 year. There are several reasons that make it difficult to forget past relationships.

Catastrophization

The breakup is perceived as a tragedy, obsessive thoughts do not allow you to sleep, and the feeling of pessimism and chronic mental pain does not leave you. The former lover is considered an ideal that will no longer exist in life.

Solution: imagine life without past relationships, start building an independent future.

Obsessive rumination

The thought that everything could have turned out differently if you had said a different phrase haunts you. As a result, an opinion is formed about what could have happened, and not about what actually happened. By constantly making hypothetical assumptions, you are outside the boundaries of reality and live in an imaginary situation.

Solution: stop thinking about “What would happen if I…”.

Refusal to accept that it's over

What makes it difficult to survive a breakup is the ability to let people go from your life. Melodramas show distorted relationships: lovers go through obstacles, separations and are happily reunited in the end. In real life, the hope of reconciliation does not allow creating new relationships.

Solution: cut off all contact and stop following your ex.

Advice!
Don't be afraid to see a psychologist. Specialists work online to help you work through and solve personal problems.

How to overcome depression after a breakup?

In order to get rid of a depressive state, you should set tasks for yourself, during which you can get rid of depression. Naturally, specialists in this profile have their own technique with which you can “cure yourself from this illness” and not harm yourself and your loved ones.

When the first phase appears, it is important to draw the right conclusions - if all this happened, then it should be so, there is no need to plunge into a depressive state, it is important to continue living. You need to set some setting for yourself

There is no place for exes in the future, and you must overcome life’s difficulties yourself.

And if from the first stage a person’s condition smoothly passes to the second phase of the disease, then you need to try to throw all this negativity out of your head. Try to avoid a conflict situation; it is not advisable to argue with your ex in a raised voice. But when the meeting does take place, you need to behave with restraint, speak only to the point and prove that you are a strong person. If a lot of aggression has accumulated, then it is better to go to the gym, do your favorite thing, you can even shout, but you should do this in a place where they will not hear you.

If you consult a doctor, you should not rely solely on drug therapy. You also need to help yourself in various ways. Then you can achieve the desired and lasting result. If you came to a psychologist not of your own free will, then there will be no sense in treatment. To get out of a depressed state, first of all, you need to want it. You must understand that there is no escape from your experiences, but you should try in every possible way so that the emerging mental disorder does not turn into a severe form. If you want to cry, then give free rein to your emotions. But the main thing is not to overdo it, and it is better to be treated under the guidance of a good specialist - he will certainly help you cope with depression.

How to get over a breakup with a guy

Often what prevents girls from getting over a breakup with a guy is the realization that he has found a replacement. Advice from a psychologist will help you cope with the situation:

do not follow your ex on social networks, do not create a new account to track stories and photos with your new passion;
go out for a walk with your girlfriends, visit parks, cinemas, clubs and other places where there is no time to be bored;
change your hair color, hairstyle, go on a diet and change yourself for the better;
do not look for the reason in yourself - people break up when they become uncomfortable together, but this does not mean that you are bad;
put all your photos together, CDs with music, gifts in a box, hide them on the mezzanine;
do not visit places where you can accidentally meet your ex;
re-read the psychologist’s advice at the end of this article.

Advice!
Shopping is an excellent way to restore inner harmony. New jeans, shoes and a dress will highlight your updated look.

Children

If you have children together or children who consider your ex-husband or wife to be their parent, this can complicate the divorce process. Since the partnership ends after a divorce and the parenting relationship does not, you will have to learn to negotiate with your ex-husband or wife for the benefit of the children. You may have to talk to him/her almost daily, or see him/her at school or extracurricular activities. And even if you and your ex-spouse seem to be having an easy time co-parenting children, this constant interaction can make getting over your divorce more difficult.

How to get over a breakup with a girl

It is generally accepted that it is easy for guys to get over a breakup with a girl. Comfort after a painful breakup doesn't always come quickly. Proven tips will help you overcome depression:

get rid of memories: collect photos, gifts, remaining things in a box and throw them away;
delete your ex on all social networks and block her, the desire to follow her has a negative impact on forgetting;
get drunk in the company of friends and tell them about your experiences - this is called “diffusing the problem”;
find a new hobby or throw yourself into work so that you don’t have time for sad thoughts;
Join the gym, it’s good for your figure and releasing negative emotions.

Be sure to read the psychologist’s advice at the end of the article to develop tactics for getting rid of past relationships.

Advice for girls and guys!

7 popular books on how to get over a breakup:

Natalie Babbitt "The Eternal Fat"
Jamie Ford "Hotel at the Crossroads of Joy and Bitterness"
Emily Giffin "Loving the One Next to You"
Jane Austen "Persuasion"
David Levitan "A Lover's Dictionary"
Cheryl Strayed "Small Little Things"
Laura Esquivel "Chocolate with boiling water"

A psychologist's view: what is an open gestalt

From a psychological point of view, a painful state of mind after a breakup is an open gestalt. Events and relationships from the past constantly arise in thoughts, do not allow you to concentrate on the present, cause a feeling of discomfort and, in especially severe cases, develop into neurosis.

Resentments are mentally tied to the former partner. On a subconscious level, a person wants to take revenge or achieve satisfaction. There are several ways to close a gestalt.

Revenge

The feeling of revenge pushes the desire to return the former partner and leave him. The psychological clamp is removed, the gestalt is closed.

Proof

The abandoned partner decides to change himself for the better. Guys go to the gym, girls go on a diet. Having changed himself externally, he arranges a meeting with his ex so that he can see the changes. The goal is achieved, the gestalt closes.

Comparison

After a breakup, you work on yourself. A person moves towards his goals, achieves a high social status, increases his value in the eyes of others and finds a new partner of his level. Comparing him with his ex or ex, he understands the difference and closes the gestalt.

Logical path

Requires enormous willpower and self-improvement. It is necessary to realize your complexes, mistakes and do a complete reassessment of values. After accepting responsibility for the past, do what you love, which will make it easier to survive betrayal and separation, and close the gestalt.

Forgiveness

The most difficult strategy for the power of internal work on yourself. It is necessary to fully accept your ex-partner and yourself as you are, with all the shortcomings. Gestalt closes after all grievances are closed.

Leaving into the sunset

To be realized, you must have significance for your ex-partner. You need to part ways without a scandal, wishing them luck. Do not monitor on social networks, do not look for meetings and do not call. Gap for 1.5-2 years, after which you arrange a meeting, say hello and show with all your appearance that you are not suffering. The gestalt will be closed if you really work on yourself and accept the situation.

Psychologist Tatyana Gribanova offers a strategy for closing gestalts, aimed at freeing oneself from anchors and hooks - psychological ties to the past:

staging;
ending with fantasy;
liberation through story;
acceptance and resignation to the situation.

The essence of the strategy is to act out dialogue scenes in which the ex-partner asks for forgiveness and accepts the apology. This helps to free yourself from psychological anchors and express your thoughts and feelings.

It is necessary to repeat the story according to the script 5-6 times; over time, the events will be perceived as a boring series.

Psychologist's advice

Advice from psychologists will help you survive a separation from your loved one after betrayal. Restoring mental balance requires working on yourself.

Give yourself time to grieve

The first time after a breakup, you need to give free rein to your emotions. For the pain to subside, it must be accepted and felt. Lock yourself at home for a few days, cry, order your favorite dish, listen to sad music and release all your emotions as much as possible.

Burn all your bridges

Get rid of everything associated with your loved one. Collect all the gifts, photographs of you together, and things that remind you of the past in a box. Valuable gifts can be returned or sold. Do not go to extremes - exchange jewelry made of precious metals in a jewelry store for a new product, paying an insignificant difference.

Delete correspondence and SMS, reduce communication with mutual friends. Clear the list of “your” music that reminds you of your loved one. Ask your friends and family not to mention him in your presence.

Important!
Block your ex on all social networks, delete your phone number or send it to block. The habit of monitoring pages on social networks interferes with recovery after a breakup.

Find the Source of Joy

Psychologists advise finding a way to obtain the joy hormone endorphin, which restores the nervous system. Buy a trip to the sea, start home renovations, or sign up for courses to learn a foreign language. Do something that you have been planning for a long time - it will distract you and give you strength.

Create a new look

A visit to a stylist will help dull the pain after breaking up with a man and get through the first difficult period. Change your look - hairstyle, hair color, buy new stylish things. Become a different person, literally. This point helps to get rid of old memories; a new image is life from scratch.

Don't fill the void with new relationships

Replacing an old love with a new one is the worst way to quickly get over a breakup. A series of new partners will aggravate the feeling of loneliness. Stay single until the moment when you stop seeing old love in people of the opposite sex.

Don't drown out the pain with alcohol

Alcohol is a simple and affordable way to relieve mental pain, but don’t get carried away with it. Arrange a meeting with a friend or friend, talk over a glass of wine or a glass of cognac, but do not drink alone. A constant state of intoxication releases stress hormones and disrupts awareness of the situation.

Advice!
Don't call or text your ex while under the influence of alcohol. In the morning you will be ashamed of this action.

Don't try to stay on friendly terms

Many people think that by remaining friends with their ex-partner, they can eventually improve their relationship and become a couple again. All attempts to return old feelings will result in new stress. Watching your loved one build a new relationship is a serious blow to your mental state.

Analyze the quality of the relationship

Calmly and judiciously sort out the reasons for the breakup. Analyze your partner’s behavior and your own, realize possible mistakes. This will help prevent them from happening again in the future.

Make a list of your own achievements

Breaking up lowers self-esteem; to raise it, understand yourself and your own life, environment and write a list of your achievements. Masterly mastery of a musical instrument, reliable friends, a collected collection of rare stamps - make a list of what you can be proud of.

Don't try to return

The feeling that everything can be returned after a conversation is fear of the future. Psychologically, you are in an old relationship and do not understand how to live without a partner. Try to wait out the desire to return and do not try to look for meetings. This will humiliate you and hurt your self-esteem.

How to restore mental strength after breaking up with your loved one

In each period of illness it is worth carrying out various procedures for recovery.

The period of denial does not bring any noticeable changes in a person’s state and mood, although there are often cases when the rejected person feels an emotional upsurge. The stage lasts one or two days, but there are exceptions. At the same time, it is necessary that it passes as quickly as possible. The key to moving forward is awareness of reality, whatever it may be. Therefore, it’s worth telling yourself for a couple of hours that you are now alone, and then get a good sleep. If this does not help, then repeat the procedure.
When you begin to feel angry and aggressive, know that you have entered the next stage. Try to restrain yourself from calling your ex with insults, from breaking his car windows, from gossiping about him, etc. As soon as you show your suffering, he will feel superior. But if it’s completely unbearable, and your tongue and hands are itching, then you’ll have to limit yourself to an SMS saying that you had a better opinion of him, and that he acted ugly. Just don’t pour out the whole flow of your emotions, be concise and convincing. Show by this that you are above him and the current situation and are not going to stoop to his level. Let his conscience slowly begin to gnaw at him, because sometimes this is much more painful than a bright storm and then silence. To throw out all the negativity and anger, go to a fight or just beat a pillow, run a cross-country race, write a letter to your ex-lover in which you can state everything you think about him, but under no circumstances send it!
Anger and rage gradually pass, and apathy and sadness take their place. The soul is tormented, the heart is barely beating, the breath is running out. Here it is, that moment when you want to give up everything, send it to hell, just to survive. Now it’s starting to give a damn about everything and everyone. You are thinking about how to get rid of this harmful feeling. This is the most terrible stage, and we will need all our strength to fight it. I know it will be very difficult, but you will need to overcome yourself and start “taking all the prescribed medications.” So…

The first point of rehabilitation will be visiting not friends, but relatives, be it parents or distant aunts and uncles. These are the only people who will always be there and help you in everything, because you are bound by blood bonds, and there is no escape from this. Give them a pleasant surprise, treat them with a cake, and you will see that attention and care will return to you with kindness and understanding.
Next, you need to restore complete order at home. Imagine you are doing spring cleaning. Turn on the TV or radio louder and pick up a vacuum cleaner. Everything should just sparkle. And like a true housewife (not only of your personal life), cook something tasty or just buy it. Treat yourself, but don’t overdo it, otherwise you will suffer from extra pounds.
Find all the positives in the breakup. Now you have plenty of free time, which can and should be spent productively. Finally, you can be yourself: you don’t have to seem too smart or, on the contrary, look like a “cute fool.” For a walk before going to bed, you can simply put on shorts, and not think for an hour about which dress to choose.
You should fill every moment of your life with different things to do! Think of all the things you would like to do, but didn’t have time. Now you can go to the cinema to watch a movie about cats, relax to your favorite music and, without a twinge of conscience, meet new people (especially men!). Gather all your girlfriends to go out together to a club, a store or a zoo. Organize a competition for the best masterpiece of cooking, manicure or hairstyle. All that remains is to find what can help, push and ease the path to a wonderful and free life without restrictions. Come up with a new tradition for every day - it could be morning exercises, watching a new TV series or reading a book before bed. Take up a new hobby: growing flowers, drawing, studying martial arts or exotic massage - whatever suits you. But most importantly, immerse yourself in it completely! More innovations in your life, more variety and new acquaintances!

Even if you are too lazy to do anything from this list, overcome yourself. Remember that you are a strong and independent woman who deserves the best. And if it happened that you were abandoned, it means there were reasons for this from above. This means that he is not worthy of such a beautiful and luxurious person. Believe me, he will regret doing it a thousand times more.

Sarah Preston