Depression after divorce in women

Divorce is the official separation of marital relations between a man and a woman.
It would seem a fairly simple procedure: two people made a mutual decision to “separation” from each other and decided to legitimize it. However, the post-divorce period is considered difficult both in the physical and psychological spheres, especially for women, because their psycho-emotional perception is much more sensitive than men’s. Divorce is not just a separation. This is a change in the way of life and habits of an already established life, breaking stereotypes, behavior and attitudes. Which means stress. At the same time, according to research by famous American clinicians Holmes and Raage, the level of influence of divorce on the psyche and body exceeds in its destructive power (73 points) such events as imprisonment (63 points), death of a close family member (63 points) and even serious illness. injury or illness (53 points). Later, these indicators were revised, but divorce continues to occupy one of the first places in the list of stress factors: divorce (91 out of 100); separation of spouses (without filing a divorce) - 78 points [] .

Symptoms of post-divorce depression in women

After a divorce, many women lose the desire to take care of themselves. Familiar and favorite things and activities that used to bring joy now only irritate. I want the whole world to leave you alone. Loss of appetite, loss of sleep, and in the morning it is simply impossible to get out of bed.

Quite often, labor productivity deteriorates, since it is difficult for a woman to concentrate on performing professional duties, forgetting about mental pain. Symptoms of psychosomatic diseases appear, such as dizziness, colds, general malaise, chronic diseases may worsen, and negative character traits may begin to appear very sharply. Such symptoms are caused by the desire of the psyche to protect itself from additional stress.

If a woman in a similar condition contacts a specialist, he will note a period of post-divorce depression. But what is depression? This is a mood disorder that is known medically to be quite serious and requires attention and treatment. A condition in which self-esteem, mood and interest in life drop to almost zero []. As a rule, depression after a divorce is accompanied by a constant feeling of guilt; the woman is constantly depressed and worried. Problems with sleep disturbances are also common: too much sleepiness or insomnia.

Of course, post-divorce depression will manifest itself differently for everyone and to varying degrees of severity, but experts have identified several main manifestations that you should pay attention to:

Divorce is worse than death. How to get over a breakup and get back to normal life

“The death of a loved one is when a hand is immediately cut off, and a divorce is when they are cut off gradually, along the phalanx of fingers, and not just one, but two hands, in turn!” says psychologist Anna Khnykina . The number of patients who come to her office to get an answer to the question “how to survive a divorce” is growing every year, and these are not only women, but men too. Suffering is not divided by gender. AiF.ru met with an expert to understand if there is a saving formula to help relieve the pain and stress of separation.

Natalya Kozhina, AiF.ru: Many people believe that women experience divorce much more painfully than men, what is the reality?

Anna Khnykina: I would say that women experience divorce more noisily, they tend to cry and shout about their misfortune at all corners. But this does not mean that men suffer less. There are different stories, for example, when the wife initiates the divorce, the husband worries more.

Article on the topic

On the verge of divorce. How to save a marriage?

— Is it possible to give the same recommendations to and women on how to survive a divorce?

— Of course, because we are talking about suffering, and it is not divided by gender. People are experiencing an acute crisis due to a sudden (or maybe not so) change in their life system, which they once built together.

— When a person loses a loved one, I now mean death, psychologists say that he needs at least a year to get over his grief. How long does it take to get over a divorce, because in essence it is also the loss of a loved one, or is such an analogy not very appropriate?

- It is appropriate, moreover, I will now say a terrible thing: if the loss of a loved one in the acute phase is experienced for about a year, the story of the breakup usually lasts much longer. Starting with the decision being made by the spouse who wants to divorce (and this alone can take years), and ending in some families with the division of property, lawyers and courts. That is, if the loss is death, a funeral, then nine days, forty days, and so on until the next repetition of the season in which the tragic event occurred. When divorcing, it often takes three to five years for people to simply establish normal dialogue with each other.

— How much does it take to build a new relationship after a divorce? A year, two, three?

— Let me start with the fact that it is very important to bring the divorce process to a legal conclusion. For some, it drags on for years; people have already managed to start other families, but they do not have the treasured certificate of divorce. Everything that lasts until you receive this “piece of paper” is just the end of the relationship. Even when spouses are at war, it means they are still in a relationship! When the point is made, the legal issues are settled, it takes about a year for a person to close the old story and begin a new romance. Although in reality everything is very individual, some people spend their entire lives jumping from relationship to relationship, and most divorces occur when one of the spouses has already found a new partner.

Fathers and Sons. 5 questions about raising a child after divorce Read more

- Still, what is better: to take a break after a divorce or to plunge into a new relationship?

— You need to act according to your feelings, if there is a need for something new, you can, of course, run to relieve anxiety and in this way, too, when it helps. But it is important to understand that, firstly, you are now under extreme stress. Secondly, a “rescuer” is brought into your story, who is always needed only so that later there will be someone to blame for everything that happened. Thirdly, without going through a divorce, you will constantly talk about it, i.e. When you get a new partner, you inevitably turn him into some kind of “healing ears” for yourself. The exception is people who go to therapy and cannot stand 24/7 brainstorming with new lovers, mothers, friends, children, co-workers, etc.

— Frankly speaking, I don’t really understand why a person should go to a psychotherapist with such a delicate question, and not to a girlfriend or mother.

— A friend and mother will not help you reach a new level of perception of this issue. Yes, they can be good listeners, but they are not obliged to listen to your whining 24 hours a day, although they will most likely be embarrassed to admit it. Moreover, they will even tell you: “tell me everything, it will be easier for you.” Have pity on your loved ones! When you share your pain with them, you hurt them too. Yes, you can allow yourself such a confession once, twice, but the need to talk about your breakup will last a long time, it will take a lot of time to heal your torn soul, and all this time your loved ones will also be sick.

Article on the topic

Look after your husband, not yourself. Women's mistakes that can destroy a marriage

— For some people, one of the ways to quickly get through a divorce is alcohol. Is there any alternative?

-What does alcohol do? It turns off mental defenses that, roughly speaking, protect you from worries - you try to look at things rationally, somehow invigorate yourself and not sink to the bottom of suffering. That's why they often drink and cry at the same time.

I see only one alternative here - take advantage of every opportunity to be alone with nature: walk, look at the trees, admire the sunsets. This helps to understand the depth of the situation, accept the inevitability of what happened, and take root with the idea that we need to move on.

— People are often advised to perceive divorce as a new chapter of life and are recommended to change their image or master some new activity that they have long wanted to try, i.e. pretend that nothing serious happened and life moves on. It works?

— It is important to distinguish between natural and manic elation, which at the very beginning can be like so-called ego inflation, when you begin to think: “Now we’ll live, now everything will be different!” In fact, everything will really be different, and we will heal, yes, after we survive the decline that has occurred, we will “burn out.”

Keep an eye on yourself so that after a short time you do not become very depressed. A sudden surge of strength may be its harbinger.

Of course, you need to help yourself in every possible way, but with the understanding that people usually don’t dance on graves. No, if you were married to a tyrant who raped and beat you, you can dance, freed from such a “gift”. But we are still talking about ordinary families and couples who realized that they had made a mistake and were facing a difficult, very sad separation. In some ways, this is even worse than the death of loved ones. When a person dies, you realize much faster that nothing can come back. To understand: death is when a hand is immediately cut off, and divorce is when they are cut off gradually, along the phalanx of the fingers, and not just one, but two hands, in turn! Therefore, you can pretend that everything is cool and life goes on, of course, if you objectively have the strength to do so.

Where and how do they get divorced in Russia? Infographics Read more

- How to deal with the obsessive thought that now you are left alone and no one needs you anymore?

“It’s okay, it’s completely normal to think like that when the entire previous system of coordinates collapses.” Look what happens in a year, most likely, the fear will go away by itself, because you will live and adapt to new conditions. In addition, do not forget that we do not live in the 18th century, where in the village there are two streets and one and a half men: one is an old man, the other is a cripple... In such conditions, yes, it is difficult to find new love, but in our time, with modern opportunities , everything is completely different. Therefore, if you want, you will get married, if you don’t want, you won’t get married. It is very important not to lose your sense of freedom.

— Many people begin to blame themselves for divorce, how to stop this process if it has already started?

- Even if you were to blame, learn to forgive yourself and not repeat the mistakes again. We need to talk about this as much as possible, again, I am for a paid psychologist in this matter than for free mother’s ears. In such a matter, you need someone who will put you on the right track so as not to stumble again! It is also useful to write letters to yourself or your ex-spouse. This will make it easier for you to understand why you could have corrected something, but did not fix it in the end. Most likely, there is an explanation and justification for this. We often evaluate the situation from today, and if you go back to the day when the wrong decision was made, then most likely there will be much fewer questions for yourself. Write letters, but don't send them.

Article on the topic

“Dad went on a business trip.” Psychologist about parents' mistakes during divorce

— What to do with the numerous common things that inevitably remain after any marriage?

- Of course, you need to get rid of other people's things. It is advisable to carefully remove all photographs of you together. I probably wouldn’t destroy them, because someday we will all be 88 and want to remember the past... When time passes, it is no longer so painful for a person to return to the past. But when we talk about the first time after a divorce, of course, the situation is the opposite. Carefully collect your husband's things and give them to him. This is very important because by being around things from the past, you maintain a relationship with the past.

— Some psychologists advise burning things, conducting something like a cleansing ritual, what do you think of this idea?

— The burning ritual is like a funeral, essentially a farewell ritual. In my practice, there were people who greatly regretted that they burned or destroyed their photos together, some memorabilia or small but very meaningful gifts.

Besides, no matter how much you burn, everything remains in memory. And when you try to get rid of some memories, they come to you in dreams, in a drunken state, in various other so-called near-psychotic states. And it is never beautiful or pleasant when it visits us against our will.

I think that a ritual such as containment would be better suited here. Find a specific place where you can put away all things related to marriage, the main thing is that they are not in front of your eyes, but in a closet or in the country, and let them lie quietly there - believe me, the past will leave you alone faster than if you try to burn it. What is important here is to understand the point that you are not destroying memory, but giving it a safe place to store it.

Silver scam. Why long-term marriages break up Read more

— What to do with mutual friends after a divorce?

— One of my colleagues who went through a divorce once said this about this: “Ultimately, I stopped all communication with people who support my ex-husband.” This is very painful, at least for the first time, which lasts from 3 to 5 years, when people get used to the fact that they have become strangers, the warm feelings have passed, but some strange, ugly emotions towards each other have appeared. In this regard, it is better to reduce to a minimum contact with people who support the side of the ex-spouse and continue to communicate with him. This will make it much easier for you.

Patterns of the post-divorce period

The psychological stages of divorce can be divided into five successive periods []:

/wp-content/uploads/stages-of-depression.mp4

In a humorous form, the video shows the stages of experiencing psychological trauma. The sand here is a kind of metaphor for divorce.

Negation. At this stage, the woman’s psyche is protected from excessive stress. This is some kind of attempt, using a rational attitude, to devalue broken ties.
Bitterness. At this stage, the psyche hides tension and resentment under the guise of an aggressive attitude towards the former partner.
Attempt to restore. One of the most difficult stages is when attempts are made to restore relationships with a partner.
Depression. It occurs when a state of denial, aggression and attempts to restore relationships do not bring any results.
Adaptation. The transition to understanding and awareness of the changed life situation, accepting it as a given.

It is clear that the characteristics of each of the described periods depend on many factors, the most important being:

reason for divorce;
the age of both spouses;
resolving financial issues;
support from friends, relatives;
presence of children in marriage.

How to get your ex-husband back after divorce and is it worth doing?

According to statistics, such attempts rarely end in success. But, in rare cases, you can still step into the same river and give the relationship a chance.

Your husband cheated on you or seriously offended you (without serious insults or assault), but he actively repents and is ready to change.
You still didn’t measure as well as you thought before cutting and after time, you both realize that you got carried away. It's important that you both understand.
Many years have passed since the divorce, you have become different people, matured, rethought a lot, lost your youthful impulsiveness, but gained wisdom.

These are, perhaps, the main reasons to return the relationship, which, theoretically, can be crowned with success.

Quote Divorce is an emergency exit in case of fire. When a house is on fire, it doesn't matter who set it on fire. If there is no emergency exit, everything will burn out!

Mehmet Murat Ildan

How to survive?

All divorce proceedings are usually divided into two large groups:

Divorce initiated by only one party;
A divorce agreed upon by both parties.

At the same time, the help provided by a psychologist in these cases is similar.

The breakup of a marriage, which occurs by consent of both spouses, occurs when they come to the realization that they no longer suit each other. This sometimes happens because they previously made the wrong choice of partner or their values have changed over time. And although such a divorce is a little easier to survive than another, which occurs on the initiative of one of the spouses, it can also lead to depression.

If a divorce occurs on the initiative of only one of the spouses, then the loss falls fully on the second spouse. This happens when one of the partners at some point decided to leave. Psychotherapist Bowlby in his works says that the worries experienced by the abandoned party can be divided into several main stages. And depending on what phase a person is “stuck” in, the psychologist must offer a certain scheme of psychological assistance [].

Stage one – numbness and shock

At the first stage, the most difficult thing for a woman to realize is that her beloved husband has left her. It seems to her that nothing terrible is happening, everything can still be returned.

Sometimes such thoughts are simply an illusion, because the departed partner has already made the final decision. But an abandoned woman cannot fully understand and accept this. Such shock can sometimes last for months, and such an experience has a very negative impact on the physical level. For some women, at this time, the body turns inside out, begins to feel sick and breaks bones. A truly abandoned spouse is in great pain at this time and simply needs help.

Stage No. 2 – anger and resentment

When a person begins to realize that his loving spouse is no longer around, and only the one who caused him so much pain remains, he is overcome with rage. At this time, outbursts of uncontrollable rage and strong resentment sometimes subside only during sleep. It was during this period that ex-spouses quarrel a lot and even sometimes manipulate each other with the help of children. The help of a psychologist at such moments is simply necessary.

Stage three – depression

After anger comes depression. It seems that life is over, there is only despair and pain around, and it is very difficult to get out of this vicious circle. Household chores and work become meaningless. In order to do your usual work and take care of children, you need to make a lot of effort.

The person is overcome by severe mental distress and sadness. It seems like this depression will never end. But this will be forgotten when the woman realizes and accepts that her marriage is destroyed. If the abandoned spouse finds the strength to say goodbye to his past, he will achieve the next period, and then - peace and balance.

Stage four - assimilation, summing up

At this time, a psychologist can help you start your life again. A person begins to make plans for the future. It’s no secret that many still cope with the breakup and manage to maintain a warm relationship with their ex-husband, however, with varying degrees of severity, a person still “must” go through all the described phases in experiencing a breakup. Otherwise - stuckness and stagnation...

How to survive a divorce with your wife and children: 5 tips

There is a wonderful saying “they don’t divorce children,” so if you are a father, then after separating from your wife, it is important for you to take care not only of your mental well-being, but also of your children. Here's what you should do.

Calm and listen to them

Make sure your children know that your divorce is definitely not their fault. Listen carefully to them, be compassionate, honest and straightforward in your answers. Do not lie to them under any circumstances, and also do not be harsh with them: now they need your support, and you need theirs (even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself).

Maintain stability and routine

Try to keep your children's daily and weekly activities as routine and consistent as possible. A very big change has occurred in their life, therefore, the more familiar moments remain in their weekdays and weekends, the better.

Agree on the parenting process with your ex-wife

Now that you and your ex-wife are raising children separately, be sure to agree in advance with each other about when and how you will distribute time between each other (under no circumstances communicate about this through the children). And also what time they should be put to bed, what to feed them, how to reward and not reward them (and whether punishments are acceptable). Otherwise, one of you risks becoming a “bad” parent who behaves more strictly towards the child or children than the “good” one.

Let the children know that they can rely on you

Make only realistic promises to your children that you know you can keep. And don't trust them too much with your feelings about the divorce.

Let them know that this makes you very sad, but you will get through it and, no matter what, you still love your children as much as before.

Is it possible to overcome depression after divorce on your own?

What do psychologists advise for survivors of divorce? First of all, your desire is necessary; the success of any endeavor depends on it. Next, it is important to find the right balance between grief, immersion in the problem and distraction from it. The fact is that you cannot get rid of post-divorce depression without crying. An attempt to get away from “mourning” a relationship in any way will mean “canning” a psychological problem and turning depression into a protracted one.

But you should not allow yourself to delve into the problem so much that you begin to ignore the world around you, as well as the elementary remedies that can become natural antidepressants. You should find an activity that will not allow difficult thoughts to accumulate in your head, or at least give you the opportunity to forget about the current situation for a while. The most effective “folk remedies” for post-divorce depression are []:

Communication. After a divorce, many people stop communicating and getting to know people. Still, it’s worth making an effort and making new acquaintances. It is definitely necessary to find people who will have similar interests; they will be able to get through the difficult moments of his life to the abandoned spouse.
Physical exercise. In order not to sit at home and not drown in depression, a woman can go in for sports. It has long been proven that physical activity releases hormones of happiness. Yoga and Pilates are what you need not only to fight depression and spiritual balance, but also to give your body tone and a great appearance.
Diet. We are not talking about the diet that is used as a means of losing weight. Rather, it is a system of balanced and proper nutrition. The body will be saturated with energy when eating vegetables and fruits, and you will feel lightness and freedom.
Self-care. Many women after a divorce do not have the energy to take care of themselves. But during this difficult period, it is very important to relearn how to enjoy life. You shouldn’t focus on the bad, you need to look to the future with optimism. Spa treatments and a new haircut will perfectly help you with this. It could also be drawing, singing, fitness, dancing, cooking, reading your favorite books or simple cleaning.

Don’t hush up the problem, but don’t talk about it to every passerby either.
Find an understanding person, one of your friends, colleagues or acquaintances, who can listen and, with an impartial assessment of the situation, support you. These simple steps will help you overcome depression after a divorce on your own, but if it lasts more than six months, then you should definitely consult a psychologist.

An experienced psychologist can help you overcome depression and despondency much faster and easier. The stages that a person goes through after a divorce will be less painful. There will be an opportunity to quickly return to normal life: find a new partner, improve relations with your ex-spouse (this is important if you have children together), find a new job and free yourself from oppressive depression.

Published: November 30, 2014 Last edit date: January 21, 2021 Author: Anton Velichko

How do men cope with divorce?

Modern society today perceives the breakdown of marriage as almost the norm. At the same time, any factors can become reasons for breaking the “chains” of Hymen, from minor domestic discord to domestic tyranny or betrayal.

Depression after divorce manifests itself as a persistent decrease in mood, inability to concentrate, and slowness of speech. A man simply doesn’t want to do anything; nothing can give him pleasure.

People are accustomed to believing and instilling in their offspring from childhood that men are not subject to emotions, they are strong and persistent. In fact, men can sometimes experience the breakdown of a family more strongly than their counterparts.

Depression after divorce in men occurs due to loss of stability, wounded pride, change in social role, longing for the past, children, which leads to a change in the divorced person’s behavioral pattern, his character, and habits. Some men, after being freed from the bonds of Hymen, immerse themselves entirely in work, others plunge into a “whirlpool of passions,” and still others fall into “alcohol networks.”

After the divorce, men are prone to self-destruction; they cease to value their own existence and often commit ridiculous, dangerous acts. Another unpleasant, but often encountered scenario is the inability of a man to completely let go of his ex-wife. He can secretly spy on his ex, study her online life, and interfere in her real life. In the worst situations, such men can threaten their spouse with suicide if they do not return everything back.

The picture can become more complicated if there are joint offspring who are having a hard time experiencing a parental divorce. In addition, children often become hostages of the scenario played out by their parents, the subject of speculation and blackmail, which has a detrimental effect on the mental health of children. If a man was the initiator of the breakup, then the burden of guilt regarding the children begins to weigh on him.

Depression after a divorce from his wife can overtake the male half for various reasons, the key ones are given below:

– disruption of the usual way of life;

– feeling of uselessness;

– fear of losing their offspring (often women play an ugly game, using their own children as a weapon and a means of punishing ex-spouses, preventing them from meeting, pitting children against their fathers);

– if the spouse was the initiator of the breakup, then this can significantly lower a man’s self-esteem;

– if the initiator was the spouse, then an oppressive feeling of guilt arises before the offspring;

– disappointment in the inspired desire for a “free life”, the understanding that freedom did not live up to expectations, and the new companion is no better than the previous one.

Depression after divorce can be expressed in men by the following manifestations:

– violation of mental operations (decision-making skills, concentration, and ability to remember suffer);