Psychologist “SM-Doctor” spoke about how to recognize a tyrant

Every fifth woman in Russia suffers from violence - moral and physical. Look around and you will see one of these unfortunates, perhaps even in your surroundings. Slouched shoulders, wary eyes, pursed lips - a typical image of a victim. What is her partner like?

“All adults come from childhood. Therefore, when parents build relationships with children based on manifestations of power, control, discipline, perfectionism, moralization, and not empathy and feelings, then this becomes the norm in a person’s life in relation to their partner. For a child who was belittled in the family, given slaps, whose opinion was not listened to, compared with other children, not praised or pitied, rudeness and pressure will become part of adult life. In most cases this is what happens. Therefore, learning to notice warning signs in a man’s behavior is important not only for your peace of mind, but also for the sake of future children. There are many signs of a personality prone to tyranny. I’ll focus on the main ones.”

Controls every step

Over time, he will begin to decide everything for you, and you will not notice how your desires gradually fade into the background, and then completely dissolve in time and space.
A tyrant man has very clear ideas about what a woman should be like next to him. He will describe your behavior almost down to the instructions. “I won't like your dress. Change your clothes!”, “Stop saying hello to the concierge, I don’t like it,” etc. A strong, energetic woman is unlikely to be subdued. But if you start playing giveaway, you will have to live by the will of such a man, and it is unlikely that you will be able to extricate yourself from this story without losses. “Any coercion or disrespect of a partner is a serious problem.
Controlling men use a range of behaviors and display a wide range of attitudes in life. One of the best ways to tell how deep a male control problem runs is to look at his reaction when you start demanding better treatment.” LUNDY BANCROFT, clinical psychologist, author of the books Tyrant Husbands. How to stop male cruelty" and "Why is he doing this? Who is an abuser and how to resist him"

“My husband is a tyrant, what should I do?”: advice from a psychotherapist

Domestic tyranny is not uncommon in today's environment. Many women in Russia find themselves in situations where their spouse humiliates, insults, and even beats. But many of them steadfastly endure bullying: some consider it shameful to wash dirty linen in public, while others take such situations for granted.

What consequences can such “patience” lead to and how to avoid domestic violence, read in the new issue of the EAN project “Personal Stories: Notes of a Psychotherapist.” The doctor at the UMMC-Health clinic, Tatyana Tomilova, traditionally helps us understand the situation.

Thirty-five-year-old Valeria turned to a psychotherapist after she learned that she was terminally ill. She contracted hepatitis B while fulfilling the “dream” of her tyrant husband.

The woman got married 7 years ago. Almost immediately the husband began to drink, cheat on her, and insult her. “You’re ugly, your place is at the stove,” Valeria repeatedly heard addressed to her. However, she didn’t even think about divorce - the woman considered her husband’s behavior to be normal, because her father had behaved the same way before. He drank, became rowdy, humiliated his household, and sometimes even let his hands go, but his mother endured it, declaring that family came first.

Valeria really hoped that the situation would change when the children appeared, but all attempts to get pregnant ended in failure. The woman suffered several miscarriages, which provoked even more aggression from her husband. He humiliated his wife more and more often, appeared at home less and less, and one fine day he told Valeria that he had become bored with her. The woman remembered that her husband once shared a dream about a threesome - with her and an unfamiliar girl. Then Valeria considered this idea crazy, but now she decided to try to bring it to life, hoping that it would help save the marriage and improve family relationships.

The couple called a girl of easy virtue and carried out their plan. The consequences were grave: after the incident, Valeria became pregnant, but once again it all ended in the loss of the baby. Moreover, after taking tests, the woman found out that she had hepatitis. Apparently, she caught the infection from her sexual partner, but her husband, oddly enough, turned out to be healthy.

For Valeria, what happened was a real shock. She didn’t know how to build a relationship with her husband now, didn’t understand whether she still had a chance to have children, didn’t know how to live with an incurable disease. Hysterics began, and the woman, deeply depressed, came to a psychologist. Together with the specialist, they began to understand the situation, the feeling of anxiety about the future gradually receded, but as soon as the conversation turned to her spouse, the patient became withdrawn. She never realized that initially incorrectly built family relationships led to this outcome. The woman was even glad that after the incident her husband began to show concern and, it would seem, life began to improve.

Psychotherapist at the UMMC-Health clinic Tatyana Tomilova: “In this situation, Valeria’s husband felt guilty - after all, it was he who provoked the situation, as a result of which his wife got sick. However, this does not mean that family relationships have been restored. The woman should have consulted a psychologist 7 years ago - after her husband’s first infidelity. Trying to keep her husband in the way that Valeria chose was an extremely destructive measure.

In general, many diseases of the soul come from childhood. So in this case: our heroine’s father behaved the same way as her husband, and she considered this normal. It is a pity that in our country family ethics is not taught in colleges and universities. If this subject had been introduced, there might have been fewer such cases. A woman must understand that being humiliated and underestimated is not normal.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, don’t be patient, seek help from a specialist! Otherwise, the consequences may be irreversible!”

Photo: thestar.com, downtrend.com, loveyourhappylife.com

Requires report

A tyrant easily violates a woman’s mental and physical boundaries. For example, he can check her phone and correspondence, ask her to report where she spent time and with whom. He does not recognize personal freedom, so you can forget about personal interests - dance school, fitness, theater studio. The tyrant will deprive you of friends, relatives, hobbies, leisure, work in order to make you dependent on him. By the way, hoping that you will be able to change such a man is a waste of time. Not only does he not feel guilty for such an “intrusion,” but he also, in principle, does not understand that he is behaving rudely. At the mental level, he is not allowed to realize this.

Signs of a domestic tyrant

The most important “bell” of the beginning of abuse: a man treats you, an adult, like a parent suffering from overprotection, takes care of, controls, “educates.” Perhaps guardianship seems to you like “caring” or even a sign of love, but alas, sooner or later prohibitions and punishments will appear. Here are some “red flags” - signs of a tyrant:

He undertakes to solve your problems even without your request, as if you yourself are not capable, condescendingly dismissing you
He knows better than you what you need and what is best for you, and he is trying to impose this vision on you.
He tells you what to wear, how to behave, where to go, what to do. And how did you live without it before?
The man controls your actions - he constantly calls, asks for an account of what-where-when-why you did
They will check your phone, email, correspondence on social networks
A man criticizes and evaluates your hobbies, tastes, style, figure, abilities
He encourages you to “improve” - to “correct” points he criticized or to cultivate in yourself what he likes. From “it wouldn’t hurt for you to go to fitness” to “why do you need this university - it’s better to learn how to cook”
He praises you from above, like a child: “well done,” smart girl.”
The man is jealous / claims ownership of you, as if he bought you - “you are mine”, “I won’t give you to anyone”, etc.
He “forbids” you something. It doesn’t matter whether the prohibition is directly expressed or whether he asks, explaining that he is “worried” and “nervous”
He criticizes your family and friends, slanderes them and tries to limit your communication with them
The man insists on respect for him as the “main thing”, on the fact that his opinion is by default correct and binding - “because I said so”
Indirect: He often accuses you of disrespecting him when you disagree with his opinion.
He directly declares himself the “head of the family” and demands “obedience”
He accuses you of lust for power
A man is always right, does not apologize for his actions, but demands an apology from you
If he does apologize for something, he still makes you feel guilty: “I lost my temper because you provoked/pushed me”
His promises to improve always contain conditions for you: “this will not happen again if you …”
A man manipulates, making you feel guilty, using silence, anger, demonstrative resentment, pressure on feelings (pity, love)
He often shifts responsibility for his actions/emotions/mood onto you/other people/circumstances
His jokes “bite” - they contain derogatory overtones for you
A man accuses you of inadequacy, mental abnormality, stupidity, “female logic”
He loves to talk about how “a woman should...”
He believes in fundamental differences in the “nature” of men and women and explains his or your behavior by this difference
The man says: “I will never offend you”, “I will never hurt you”
He threatens divorce/breakup if you “behave badly”

Stingy with emotions

The tyrant is an emotional greedy person. He does not want to invest in a relationship or does it at a minimum; it is more important for him to receive more than to give. He is more likely to devastate a woman, feed on her energy, rather than give love and share joy. Basically, all his worries revolve around himself and his feelings in his relationship with you. For such a man, kind words, attention, and compliments are always not enough, although he himself is incapable of love. Surprisingly, you will have to make excuses for insufficient depth of feelings.

Domestic tyrant: why they become one and how to recognize him

PETROPAVLOVSK. KAZINFORM – North Kazakhstan psychologist Dmitry Agapov, in an interview with a Kazinform correspondent, told how to recognize a domestic tyrant even before starting a family with him and how not to raise an abuser in your own son.

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Domestic tyrants are a topic that only gains momentum every year. Women and children become hostages to the aggression of their own husband and father. About 50 people have already visited the shelter for victims of domestic violence in the North Kazakhstan region this year. Currently there are eight women and ten children there. They are forced to hide from their loved ones who turned their lives into hell.

D. Agapov says that it is important to break off relations with a tyrant even before they develop into physical violence.

— When talking about domestic violence, the term “abuser” often appears. How do abusers differ from tyrants, and is it worth distinguishing between these concepts?

— In principle, there are no serious differences. The tyrant demands submission and shows power. Abuser is a broader concept. Such a person shows not only physical violence, but also psychological, economic, and sexual violence. He deprives his victim of financial freedom, even while in a relationship, forcing his partner to have intimacy. Abusers are dangerous because they systematically destroy the psyche of their victim. I note that both men and women can be tyrants and abusers. Henpecked men are precisely the victims of abusive women.

“Nevertheless, when they talk about tyrants, they often mean men. How to recognize a tyrant even before starting a family with him? What character traits, actions or words should you pay attention to?

- In fact, it is quite difficult to recognize a tyrant. But there are some “signals” that are worth paying attention to. If a person greatly idealizes you, then you need to be prepared for the fact that he will either “pull” you towards this ideal, or will be disappointed and begin to take out his anger. Another sign is that your partner does not respect you as a person. That is, he allows himself to make decisions for you, even on how you will spend your day off, for example. He does not ask about thoughts and feelings, but immediately makes a verdict, his judgments are categorical. He doesn't pay attention to your needs.

— If tyranny appeared already in marriage, what steps should a woman take to protect herself?

— It all starts with little things. It is important to immediately defend your positions, your opinion, your point of view, and not give up your interests. A woman should not agree to take care of only home and children in exchange for financial security. Jealousy is another sign that reveals an abuser. In marriage, a woman should maintain autonomy and not depend entirely on her husband. You need to continue studying, communicate with friends, have your own interests and financial means.

— Why do you think women still end up in such relationships and, in some cases, remain with partners who terrorize them mentally and physically?

- Who came to him? Victim. A person with a certain psychology. He cannot leave for various reasons: because of pity, fear, low self-esteem, which is further destroyed in a relationship with an abuser. The victim is weak-willed. At the same time, she fits like a puzzle piece to the personality of the tyrant. Every victim needs its own aggressor. This has a definite benefit for them. The sacrificial position is also manipulative. Such a person pretends that nothing works for him. Often this is convenient for some and they do not agree to leave the sacrificial state. In this case, it is necessary to distinguish between the real victim of the tyrant and the victim who benefits from this position.

— How can a woman who is really not satisfied with such a relationship get away from a domestic tyrant? Many people are afraid of physical violence...

— Victims of domestic tyrants live in fear, they believe that their husband is great and terrible and nothing can be done about it. In fact, this is not true. In such cases, psychological help is needed. We need help to overcome fear. As a rule, the real victim has an obstacle that does not allow the woman to leave and which the tyrant takes advantage of. Accordingly, you need to collect information on how to overcome this and follow the chosen strategy. There are centers that help victims of domestic tyrants. You can secretly save money so that you can leave. The Petropavlovsk police have a department that deals with crimes against women. There are free hotlines that provide free psychological and legal advice.

— Often wives hide facts of violence or forgive offenders in the hope that the man will change. Can a tyrant “re-educate”?

— A person can change his psychological attitudes either in an extreme situation, or he needs religious or psychotherapeutic experience when he changes something in himself. Otherwise, there can be no talk of any re-education. The tyrant's assurances that he will be different are characteristic of the so-called honeymoon stage. Let me explain: domestic violence can be divided into several stages. At first everything is calm in the relationship, then there is an accumulation of tension, a breakdown and then a “honeymoon”. After which the tension accumulates again and each subsequent breakdown becomes stronger. If such a picture is observed in a relationship, then it needs to end as quickly as possible.

— From a psychologist’s point of view, why do men become tyrants?

— The reasons are different: from mental illness to social inheritance. The tyrant may not have seen any other relationship in his family. It happens that people with strong internal complexes become abusers. And through tyranny, they act out their self-esteem or psychological trauma. Modern approaches to working with domestic violence: working not only with the victim, but also with the aggressor.

— How not to raise a domestic tyrant in your own son?

- Start with yourself. Do you hear the child’s needs, do you know how to negotiate and find a common solution in difficult, conflict situations, do you know how to talk with your child. This does not mean conniving in upbringing or allowing him to do whatever he wants. The child must be taught to respect other people's needs and accept the point of view of another person. And at the same time, learn to express your own. If you build such a harmonious relationship with a child, then he will not grow into a tyrant.

— After a relationship with a tyrant, it will probably be difficult for a woman to build others. What can you recommend?

- If a woman ends a relationship in which she was a victim, then there is a high probability that she will repeat the same thing in the next relationship. It is important to take a course of psychological counseling. You need to work with yourself so as not to choose such people, not to buy into them. You need to mature personally in order to build harmonious, partnership-based, functional relationships.

Focused only on myself

He wants to deal not with your entire personality, but exclusively with that part of it that he likes. The partner thus becomes something functional for him. The tyrant will make up for his internal deficit at her expense - intelligence, emotional warmth. He is a priori an exploiter: he cannot give himself something here and now - he will definitely demand it from you. The tyrant was unfairly, in his opinion, demoted. You can be sure that this topic will be the main one for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And you must listen, reassure and admire his invaluable merits. And this can last for months, while he may not be interested in the woman’s affairs and concerns.

About methods

I have training in two directions - Gestalt and catathymic-imaginative psychotherapy.

Catathymic-imaginative psychotherapy

Catathymic-imaginative psychotherapy was developed in the second half of the 20th century by the German psychotherapist Hanskarl Leuner. The theoretical basis is based on the ideas of psychoanalysis and depth psychology of Carl Gustav Jung.

Catathymic-imaginative psychotherapy has proven itself well in the following areas of psychotherapeutic work:

PTSD, working with the consequences of mental trauma
Neuroses
Psychosomatics
Depression
Couples psychotherapy
Psychotherapy for children and adolescents

Learn more about catathymic-imaginative psychotherapy

Gestalt

Zoo logo
Look at this image. What do you see on it? Someone will see a tree, someone will see animals, and someone will look at fish. Each of us looks at things differently and the way we look at the world largely determines how we relate to it.

The Gestalt approach suggests looking holistically at the world, at people and at the relationships that occur between people. It implies the uniqueness and originality of each person. The philosophy of this trend is well shown in the film “Peaceful Warrior” (2006). Look, there is a lot about here and now, about awareness.

Gestalt is about “here and now”, awareness, responsibility and contact with your feelings.

The way he talks

aggressive, predatory, “vampire”, “cannibalistic”, “hunting” vocabulary slips into his speech. (“Consider this my selfish desire to become smarter, powered by your battery”, “Good luck hunting NN”, “I would have eaten you”, “my boss sucked all the blood out of me”, “Men are predators, hunters, everyone needs one thing and also".),
often uses the words “admire”, “respect”, “envy with white envy”,
likes to use words in superlatives (“absolutely”, “wonderful”, “wonderful”),
uses “technical” vocabulary (this observation from Sam Vaknin: “likes to talk about himself in mechanical terms - “machine”, “efficient”, “punctual”, “result”, “computer”, “optimal”).
can be very talkative, trying to attract everyone's attention. Or, conversely, remain “mysteriously” silent.
Tanya Tank, author of the trilogy “Fear, I’m with you. A terrible book about the fatal and irresistible"

In order to recognize a tyrant in time, you need to:

Have inner core and self-respect. This will help you get out of a toxic and draining relationship without losing yourself.
Be able to see reality, and not justify your partner’s actions, plunging yourself into even greater illusions.
Don’t be afraid to go to a psychologist and get competent advice. The first step to freedom can be the support of friends.
Remember that serious relationships involve two people. And if you don't feel comfortable wearing them, look for another man.

Published on the portal parents.ru

What about the children?

If that's the only thing holding you back, I'll tell you this. Children look at how mom and dad build relationships. If you are a victim and your husband is a tyrant, then the child will “join” some kind of pattern. And he will either become as cruel and ruthless as dad, or he will live with a victim complex all his life, like mom. There is a third option - a rescuer. As your child grows up, he will protect you. And the opinion will be fixed in him that this is exactly what he should do in relation to other people.

If you go deeper, the rescuer is a cross between a victim and a tyrant. At some point, he will tyrannize and harass his partner, then regret his actions and “save” the one on whom his anger fell. And then he will become a victim, because... the “saved” will take revenge. Then again become a tyrant and in a circle. More precisely, in a triangle. Is this the kind of future you want for your children? Then – is it really worth staying with a despot? Believe me, he can be a good dad even from a distance.

Don't be afraid to report domestic violence. Contact law enforcement agencies! Tell your relatives what you have to experience with your tyrant husband. Perhaps someone will agree to shelter you for a short time while you look for a job or housing. Contact support services! You will be given an apartment or room for temporary residence. A psychologist will work with you to rid you of fear and victim complex. Don't let a man control and bully you! He will threaten and demand something - don’t be fooled. He has no right to treat you as he pleases. Society and the law are on YOUR side!

What to do anyway is up to you to decide. Of course, I am in favor of preserving the family. But if there is only suffering and torment in this family, then what is all this for? For whom? Get out of such relationships and start living for yourself. For your own happiness. You can do it! You just have to decide!

How are things going in your family? Did you recognize yourself or your husband in the article? Do you have an example of other couples where the man is a despot and the woman is a victim? Share stories