Freedom is always valuable in a relationship. It is very bad when one of the partners does not respect the personal boundaries of the other. A common stereotype is that women are more prone to manipulation, but this is not always the case. Men can also cunningly impose their will, which does not contribute to happiness in the relationship. To be fair, many wives only contribute to this behavior of their husband. Being dependent is psychologically easier because you don’t have to make a choice and bear responsibility for it. Who is a manipulator in a relationship, what are his signs, and what is the secret of effective communication with him?
A man manipulates people
Signs of a manipulator
The set of signs of a manipulative husband and the advice of a psychologist are individual in each case, but we can give some general techniques that such spouses most often resort to.
A man pulls the strings
And learning the methods helps you figure out how to understand that a man is manipulating you:
- “Closer-further” technique. A manipulator deliberately alienates a woman who is dependent on him from you in order to bring you closer for some actions on her part. Often this technique is used simply to increase the other person's dependence on oneself. Often subconsciously used by women in order to keep a man as a backup option. This is what lies at the heart of the friend zone. Although it is popular with the opposite sex, men can also use it and has no gender connotation.
- Humiliation. At first glance, this is not manipulation, but there is always a hidden benefit from this kind of action. A manipulative husband may humiliate a woman in order to assert himself. This is his ulterior motive.
- Comparison with others. It is not always manipulation, because it is often immediately clear what a man wants from a woman. Manipulation can only be considered if the target does not lie on the surface.
- Blackmail. Rough, primitive, but still manipulation. The formula is simple: if you don’t do something, I’ll hurt you. Blackmail in a relationship is absolutely unacceptable, as it destroys trust in the bud. As soon as signs of blackmail appear in a relationship, the woman must make it clear to her husband that everything must be negotiated openly and without threats. If it doesn't work out, divorce. This kind of counter-blackmail is for the benefit of the family. If the husband does not agree to these conditions, there is simply no point in the further existence of the family. The basis of any successful marriage is the ability to negotiate. Threats have nothing to do with diplomacy, only with war. Living under the same roof next to the enemy is unacceptable. This should not be a direct threat of divorce, but rather a warning of what blackmail can lead to.
- Game "persuade me." A man refuses even something good to be persuaded. The goal is self-affirmation, the desire to feel significant.
It is not always necessary to get a divorce or try to teach your husband a lesson when these signs appear. Sometimes mini-manipulations are part of the game and do not harm the relationship.
Two-faced man
Important! Some of these male manipulations are simply a consequence of unmet needs within the family.
A man simply does not know how to satisfy them with other methods. If the basis of unproductive behavior is the desire to assert oneself, some effort must be made to increase the husband’s self-esteem if he wants to maintain the relationship.
How do husbands become manipulative?
If a woman knew that her admirer was a manipulator who would squeeze every last juice out of her, would she go on a date with him? Most likely no. Would you get married? No and no. After all, each of us wants a happy marriage, and not eternal scandals and friction.
So, we have to disappoint you. Men manipulators are men manipulators. Yes and yes. A manipulative husband is primarily your mistake. You fell in love so much, or you really wanted to get married, or you recklessly got pregnant and got married “on the fly,” and did not consider the male partner with whom you will live a long life.
Of course, manipulators do not show their “face” for the first month of a relationship, but by the nuances of behavior, by the manner of communication, by reviews of former relationships, relatives, you can understand who is near you. Don't make excuses, don't indulge in fantasies. Assess the situation soberly and think about everything ahead.
How do husbands become manipulative?
Where do men manipulators come from? This is how they grow up. There are many root causes, but you shouldn't get hung up on them. Look at the result and the possibility of correcting your husband’s behavior.
Why do husbands manipulate women?
A man says he misses a woman - what does that mean?
There can be many reasons. Manipulation is carried out, as a rule, when what you want cannot be obtained directly. This option is much simpler, but if it is not customary in the family to listen to each other, you have to defend your interests with all possible methods.
Another reason for manipulation is developmental features in childhood. If a boy could only get what he wanted through roundabout ways, he begins to believe that this is the only way to achieve his goals.
Stereotypes and prejudices can also become reasons for manipulation in relationships with women. If a man previously had to deal only with cunning people, he may feel that all women need to be deceived in order to get what he wants.
Manipulator man with flowers is planning something
Stereotypes and prejudices are always formed on the basis of unpleasant experiences or incorrect upbringing. The wrong attitude is formed if a man had to communicate with a small number of women. To destroy the stereotype, you need to see at least a dozen representatives of the opposite sex who do not fall into the established pattern. This happens quite rarely, so stereotypes are usually tenacious. As a consequence, so are the behavioral patterns generated by them.
What to do in a relationship with such a husband
Compliments to a woman - what to say nice things to a girl
Manipulation in a relationship is not always bad, and you should immediately divorce your cunning husband. Divorce is a drastic measure, which in most cases is unwise. Male manipulation in relationships with women is commonplace. It is much more important to be able to quickly determine the desire behind the manipulation and understand for yourself whether you want to satisfy it. Even if there is no desire, but this can contribute to the development of relationships, sometimes it is worth giving in to manipulation. It is necessary to pay attention to the benefits for the family.
How not to succumb to a man’s manipulation if this is inappropriate? If a wife learns to recognize the motives behind manipulation, she will be able to control the situation and make the right decision.
Manipulation-resistant girl
You need to develop your self-esteem. It is important to correlate your husband’s actions with your goals and desires. A person who goes with the flow is much easier to manage. It is enough to simply direct the river in the desired direction, and the one at whom the manipulation is directed will float there himself. If you don’t have your own goals, you’ll have to follow someone else’s.
It is important to avoid extremes here. For a relationship to develop, you need to align your goals with the desires of the other person and try to move in the same direction.
The last resort is divorce, but it’s better not to go that far. Moreover, you cannot threaten a man with divorce.
Important! Divorce is the easiest way, but it is a very rough method. There is no guarantee that these mistakes will not be repeated in the next relationship. If you don’t draw conclusions, all past problems in the family return.
Options for influencing the victim
To attract a girl’s attention, a man follows a proven pattern. He prefers to be guided by his own views, which are difficult to understand. Usually the main task is to charm the chosen one and win her over in every possible way. After this, the only thing left to do is to instill in her your goals and values, accuse her in every possible way, but do it extremely skillfully.
Persuasion
A common male method that allows you to achieve everything you need to achieve at a certain moment. To begin with, the guy begins to act gently, trying to persuade, offer something, advise. When a woman gets used to such pressure, other, more aggressive methods are used.
Guilt
A husband may tell his wife that she is ugly and unattractive. Sometimes he tends to give unnecessary advice and intelligently calculates his every word. Guilt can destroy you from within: it does not allow you to change, but only points to existing shortcomings. Its signs can be read in a reproachful look, intonation, and voice.
Friendship and constant “debts”
A manipulative friend strives to give out “valuable” recommendations. This happens as often as it suits the guy himself. In communication, he constantly emphasizes that it was impossible to cope without him. As a result, the girl feels indebted and even obliged to her “benefactor.”
READ
Simple ways to attract a boy's attention during adolescence
How and when to leave a relationship
It’s easy to leave a relationship – just tell your boyfriend or husband about it. Everyone has the right to do this, but not every situation needs to be done. Some signs to look out for:
- A man only respects his own opinion.
- The girl only respects her own opinion. It makes no difference what gender a person is. In a relationship, everyone should respect each other's opinions.
- Both sides do not see any prospects in such relations.
- The man uses physical violence. As soon as verbal rudeness turns into physical rudeness, you need to get a divorce or break off the relationship immediately.
- The man abuses alcohol. Often this is a means of manipulation. The husband threatens to go on a drinking binge if his wife does not do this.
Important! Each case is individual. Many young couples seem hopeless, but over time the relationship strengthens.
Types of manipulative husbands
CONTENT:
There are four common types of manipulators among husbands. Experts are convinced that sometimes one person can combine all the types at once. It depends on the characteristics of the individual and the motives that force her to try to control her partner. So that you do not fall into the trap of an experienced “puppeteer,” let’s look at the issue of “species diversity” of manipulators in more detail.
Mercantile manipulator
Such a man controls his wife with the help of his own material wealth and social status. He manipulates her, appealing to the fact that he completely ensures her well-being. He is characterized by the following phrases: “You cannot live without me,” “I fully support my family, so you must be obliged to me,” “If you want to get a new dress or go on vacation, then be ready to do what I say.”
Emotional manipulator
The favorite methods of influencing the wife of such a spouse are emotional detachment and “chillness” in the relationship, which appears in cases where the partner does not behave as the manipulator would like. If the chosen one has done something wrong, then the husband suddenly stops pampering her with manifestations of love , calls less often, and deliberately ignores her requests to go somewhere. Another method of punishment is silence. To all the woman’s attempts to understand what is happening, he responds with silence and a frown.
Intelligent manipulator
Typically, manipulations of this kind occur between spouses with significant differences in age or education. The husband influences his wife based on his own intellectual superiority or life experience. His favorite phrases: “Well, how can you not understand such elementary things?”, “Are you not understanding anything at all?”, “Darling, you are not competent enough in this matter, so don’t even try to express your point of view.”
As a consequence, a methodical derogatory effect on a partner, as a stupid and mediocre person, leads to a persistent decrease in his level of self-esteem, an inert perception of the world and an uncritical attitude towards the actions of the manipulator.
Physical manipulator
According to the observations of psychologists, such manipulators influence the chosen one by “cutting back” bodily contact . If a wife behaves “badly,” then the husband ceases to be gentle and affectionate with her, and their intimate life stops completely or becomes “stereotypical,” without passion and emotional intensity. The frequency of tactile interaction also decreases: the husband stops hugging his wife and even avoids her touch, as if she were suffering from the plague.
When to ignore and not give in
In what cases should you not succumb to manipulation:
- When a man’s desires sharply diverge from a woman’s values.
- When there is a gross invasion of the personal space of a wife or girlfriend.
- When a man goes too far in manipulation.
When to ignore manipulation or give in:
- When it is in the interests of the family, even when the interests of any of its members are violated.
- When a girl wants to confront a man because of wounded pride, and not because of objective necessity.
- When the desire to resist arises due to the girl’s infantilism.
Which women are susceptible to manipulation?
- Without conscious goals, desires and aspirations.
- Infantile individuals who want to shift responsibility for their lives to someone else. Such girls often pretend to be a victim, even when this is not the case.
- Girls who are lazy to develop critical thinking.
- Women who have insufficiently developed willpower. Even if they understand that they are being manipulated, they will not have the courage to resist the tricks on the part of the man. They will not do anything to get rid of manipulation or deal with their shortcomings. Even after repeated attempts to resist negative influences, they will be vulnerable to them.
- Girls raised in a patriarchal society. They tend to obey their husband or boyfriend by default. No matter how much a womanizer a man is, no matter how long he disappears, no matter how strong a tyrant and selfish he is, such girls will remain silent and not try to defeat him or leave.
How to resist manipulation
In a love relationship, you should behave wisely with a manipulative man and not succumb to his tricks. How it's done?
- know your strengths and don’t let yourself be misled;
- there must be people in your life for whom you are important and loved;
- increase your own self-esteem;
- know your weak points so that you can be aware of them and work on them;
- interrupt the conversation if you see that you are being manipulated;
- do not be afraid to seek qualified help - psychology and self-development allow you to painlessly resolve your own intrapersonal conflicts;
- defend your point of view to the end, a firm position disarms manipulative men;
- mirror the behavior of the manipulator, use the same phrases and manner of behavior;
- do not make decisions “here and now”, always take time to think if you feel pressure from a man.
It’s difficult to be around manipulators. The more time a woman is in the power of such a man, the less happy she is. Her soul becomes more and more vulnerable, vulnerable and devastated. If you feel that you are being suppressed, controlled, tested, put in your place and constantly reproached for something, it is time to think about breaking up.
Think twice, do you really need to fight a manipulative man? Should relationships consist of eternal confrontation? What drives your behavior and can you both be called victims, hostages of the situation? If you answered affirmatively to these questions, and real feelings are burning between you, then you have a lot of work to do on your relationship. Do not try to change a man on your own, save your strength and nerves. Seek help from a psychologist - if love reigns in the union, then everything will definitely work out for you! Be happy!
We recommend watching a useful video from a psychology expert:
Advice from psychologists
- There is no need to be afraid of manipulation. If a girl can understand the motives behind her husband’s words and actions, she automatically receives immunity. No matter how psychopathic or manipulative a man is, it is necessary to keep a cool head and make wise decisions.
- It is not recommended to respond to manipulation with manipulation. This clearly does not contribute to the development of trusting relationships - this is the main vector towards which all the efforts of family members should be directed.
- It is impossible to change another person, you can only change yourself. Therefore, it is highly recommended to adapt your behavior by not allowing someone to invade someone else's personal space. You need to properly build a defense without attacking. You should not try to punish your husband for manipulation, or resort to various tricks to change his behavior. All people are adults. If the relationship is not satisfactory, you need to break up or replay it by mutual consent. You can take a break, then come back after a week or two and change your behavior pattern with a fresh mind.
- Manipulation cannot be completely ignored. If you do not pay attention to them for a long time, a man will simply rebel due to unfulfilled needs. You can let him manipulate in a situation that is safe for the girl.
- Breaking off the relationship is also one of the options for solving the problem. Sometimes so many mistakes have already been made with a man (or lover) that parting is a matter of time. It is better not to delay this process and try to make another man fall in love with you, with whom these mistakes will not be made.
As unpleasant as it may be, manipulation in relationships is commonplace. There is no need to make a tragedy out of this. You just have to learn to react to manipulation in the right way so that everyone can be at peace with each other.
It is advisable to do everything possible to maintain an ongoing relationship with one person. This idea is used not only in religion, but official psychology also says so. This is the only way to recognize all the strengths and weaknesses of each other and learn to interact in a relationship. The main idea of this article is that you need to learn to adapt to manipulation so as not to lose yourself.
How to understand that you are being manipulated?
Male manipulation is easily recognized, but because of love or charm, many prefer not to notice it. Realization comes later. To prevent the development of toxic relationships, we recommend that you familiarize yourself with obvious signals, methods and examples of manipulation.
Seducer
At the initial stage of dating, he will try to make the best impression on you. He will flatter you, use all the pick-up techniques and make you feel like the most beautiful and amazing woman on earth so he can use you for his own purposes.
Sole of company
Beware of guys who try their best to make other people happy. His friends and acquaintances are simply delighted with him, considering him Mr. Charm. In fact, behind the mask of politeness there is a callous person.
Sense of duty, fear and guilt
According to psychotherapist Shari Stines, manipulative behavior involves three factors: fear, guilt and a sense of obligation. When you are manipulated, you are forced to do something you don't want to do. Otherwise, you develop fear and an unreasonable sense of guilt.
You are lost and don't recognize yourself
The term "gaslighting" is often used to define manipulation. This is a form of psychological abuse, the purpose of which is to make a partner doubt his adequacy. You may feel falsely guilty about what you did. In such situations, women lose faith in themselves and do not understand what their mistake is. In fact, it is not your fault, it is the fault of your manipulative partner.
Total control
During the first stage of a romantic relationship, it is completely normal to want to know everything about the object of your attention. However, with manipulators things are a little different. According to psychologist Lisa Aronson Fontes, if a guy is too intrusive and wants to know about your every move, it can be considered a form of stalking. Ignoring him can really hurt him. Know that every person deserves to have their personal space respected. And your boyfriend should understand this.
Humiliation
Male manipulation can be a cause of self-doubt. People around you may wonder: “How did such a beautiful and intelligent woman as you manage to pay attention to him?” Alone with you, he will try to break your personality. By humiliating you and proving his superiority, he keeps your emotions and feelings in check.
Negotiation
Manipulators do not like to lose, and if you are the first to decide to end your relationship with them, they will beg you to give them a second chance. They will do everything to get you back: they promise that they will change and declare their love. Don't believe a single word.
Meeting places
Male manipulation is determined by the location of your dates. Do you only meet at his home, in his car, in his office, or in places where he feels like he’s in charge? Congratulations, you are dating a manipulator. The meeting places were not chosen by chance; the person simply wants to be the owner of the situation, and this is easier to do on his own territory.
Insults and barbs
Often, manipulative men make critical remarks and sarcastic comments about you. If you start to get offended, he may argue that the insults are a show of love. The barbs can concern everything: from appearance to personal qualities. However, he will not offer solutions to problems, leaving you only with a negative aftertaste.
You have no right to choose
It's a common tactic in sales and negotiations to force a decision to be made as quickly as possible. This method is often used in relationships. The aggressor will put pressure on you even if you are not ready, without giving you time to think. Ultimately, the victim often agrees with the manipulator.
Open aggression
The manipulator ridicules, insults, and deliberately creates the impression that there is something wrong with you and that you will never be good enough.
Ignoring
A popular tactic among manipulators. He does not answer your calls, messages and does not get in touch without any reason. He may appear days, weeks or months later, citing busyness or problems. In this way he achieves your submission and instills insecurity in you.
Turns on the fool
Whenever you want to have an honest conversation with your partner, he turns on the fool. The manipulator pretends that he doesn’t understand what’s going on and shifts the responsibility onto you. Men use this tactic to hide their secrets or avoid commitment.
There is his decision and the wrong one
Every time you don't meet his expectations, he gets angry and pushes his emotional buttons. For example, your boyfriend asked you out on a date that you can't go on. Instead of understanding, you will hear reproaches and attempts to force pity.
Shifting problems
Your partner speaks poorly of your ex (for example, she cheated on him) and blames her for his terrible behavior. You feel guilty and the manipulator is using your emotions against you. So next time he will forbid you to communicate with other guys.
He denies his words
Manipulators have a poor memory; they often do not remember their promises or previously spoken words when it is convenient for him. By doing this, he wants to keep you on edge or distorts your words to make you look crazy.
He does not care
You've had a terrible day and all you want is to share your emotions with your loved one. But the manipulator will quickly turn all attention to himself, convincing you that his affairs are much more important than yours. In reality, he just wants attention and doesn't care about your feelings.
Plays on feelings
You meet, then he suddenly disappears and you disappear in response. The manipulator will re-gain your attention and pretend that he is interested in you and may even ask where you went. He turns into the perfect guy whenever you decide to leave. In reality, he only needs you when it is convenient for him. And when you calm down, the game will start again. The manipulator will study your strengths and weaknesses. He may suddenly cancel your plans and blame you for it, convincing you that you are not giving him enough freedom. In this way they assert themselves and feel like winners.
Sadistic tendencies
He does not react to your tears and hysterics; on the contrary, he enjoys seeing you suffer. In response you will receive indifference or cruelty.
Manipulators can be divided into two categories: bully and victim.
Buller
Makes you feel afraid, uses aggression, threats, intimidation to control you.
Victim
Creates a feeling of guilt inside you and often takes offense. You, in turn, will try to make amends and as if you will be obliged to correct the situation.
