Always achieve better results, strive to do more and more perfectly, demand the impossible from yourself - this is how perfectionism manifests itself in human behavior. On the one hand, this seems like a positive feature. After all, if a person strives for the best, he can achieve serious heights in his career, business, and social life. But most often, too high demands on oneself lead to completely different results: dissatisfaction, disappointment in life, depression.
Why is this happening? Why is perfectionism dangerous? How to identify it in yourself or a loved one and how to get rid of it? Victoria Witte answered these questions to a FAN
Photo from the archive of Victoria Witte /
Perfectionist - who is it?
In simple words, this is a person who strives to achieve the ideal result in everything. The meaning of the word perfectionism is based on the Latin term perfectum, which translates as “perfect.” Such a person has an excessively high level of motivation, which most often manifests itself from early childhood.
Study with straight A's and get a red diploma or maximum scores on the Unified State Exam at all costs. Go above and beyond to achieve the coveted position. Step on your own moral values, for the sake of a higher goal. Put on a mask every day and be a chameleon so that others will definitely approve, understand and appreciate the efforts made.
Such people who, from school, strive to obtain the external attributes of success, are endowed with the “excellent student syndrome.” However, studying with straight A's and graduating from school with honors at any cost does not mean gaining a strong knowledge base. But achieving a good position and devoting yourself entirely to work does not at all mean becoming happy. The very word “syndrome” hints at ill health, since the motivation that guides the person is in this case excessive.
“Everything needs moderation,” comments psychologist Victoria Witte. — There is a healthy level of motivation when we develop and move up the career ladder with pleasure and without violence. And there is an unhealthy one - when our internal light bulb heats up to such an extent that it almost bursts from overvoltage.”
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The Power of Obsession
Perfectionism can be divided into three degrees of severity: weak, medium and strong. Weak degree of perfectionism Perfectionism is episodic in nature and manifests itself only in certain situations. For example, a person, buying something, planning a vacation or going to a restaurant, at some point may show persistent selectivity, the desire to choose the best possible. Or he suddenly discovers an increased tendency to look for shortcomings in the purchased product, but after a while he calms down or switches to another activity. Later, he himself is surprised: why did such a, by and large, trifle suddenly seem important to him? This is a completely healthy manifestation of perfectionism. Average degree of perfectionism The pursuit of perfection begins to occupy a significant part of life. Usually it manifests itself in one area, for example, at work. A person notices that it is extremely important for him that everything is in order, in its place, and carried out in the most proper way. He gets very upset and angry when there is someone or something not so perfect. It is often said about such a person that he suffers from “excellent student syndrome.”
The obsession with perfection was clearly demonstrated in the film Black Swan by Darren Aronofsky. The main character Nina spends all her strength trying to achieve perfection in literally every ballet step, to perform everything as correctly as possible. Exhausted by constant dissatisfaction with herself, driven by a desperate attempt to achieve recognition, Nina is afraid of competition and tries to practice even more. However, her movements, although executed perfectly, lose their charm due to the cold mechanicalness of which the ballerina is constantly reminded by her director.
A strong degree of perfectionism Perfectionism becomes a stable personal behavioral model that subjugates all others. It is vital for a person that everything be perfect. The passion for perfection turns into a real obsession over which control is lost. When they talk about perfectionism, they usually mean its medium and strong degrees: the desire for perfection leaves an imprint on a person’s character and life.
What does perfectionism mean for a person?
A perfectionist is characterized by excessive demands on himself and others. In his understanding, there is no good work result. The result should only be excellent, and if it is not, then it is terrible. And most often in such black-and-white thinking, it is the black color that predominates.
A perfectionist sees only his own failures and pays utmost attention to them. Compares himself with others, focuses on the most successful, the most worthy, the very best. He is often gnawed by envy when he sees more successful people, or considers their achievements more significant than his own. In order not to experience this painful envy, he seriously limits his circle of contacts. And he perceives colleagues, friends and even close people as competitors.
The pursuit of excellence can allow you to achieve success in your professional field or business. But even this success does not bring moral satisfaction to the perfectionist. Due to his personality characteristics, he is inclined to devalue his own achievements, consider them an accident or a temporary “clarification” that will soon end. And if he realizes that he has achieved success, he believes that he is now obliged to confirm it all the time. Otherwise, he will disappoint the people around him.
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What is perfectionism - a gift or a curse?
As I already mentioned, perfectionism is a trait that some people have. Surely you have met such people. Many of them can be recognized by their perfectly cleaned and ironed clothes, perfect hairstyle, and absolute order in their workplace or home. And most importantly, all this “perfect” is constantly maintained at the proper level.
The question that always bothered me the most was how much time do they spend on this?! And if this energy is used for peaceful purposes... This is not particularly clear to me, because I always divide into the main and the secondary (as in that song about a tube of toothpaste). I consider as secondary those external signs of a perfectionist that I described in the previous paragraph.
But the impeccable appearance of a person and the objects around him described above is only one of the options for the manifestation of perfectionism. In this case, the vector of idealization efforts is directed towards oneself. A person wants to be perfect or appear so to others.
But often the vector of impeccability is directed towards the business in which he is engaged. This is where I am ready to understand and accept a lot, because I myself partially possess such traits. In this case, perfectionists become very useful to society. It is from these people that Steve Jobs and others like them grow up, who advance progress or simply make our world simpler, more interesting and more perfect.
Another thing is what it costs them. After all, often the desire to be perfect develops into a disease . In any case, perfectionism forces you to set very high goals for yourself, which are not always easy to achieve. This means that it is not so easy to get satisfaction from the work done, the ideal appearance, etc.
If this trait manifests itself to a strong degree, then such a person often experiences depression due to the fact that his desires diverge from his capabilities (or reality). He fails to achieve the perfection he is fixated on. He ceases to receive satisfaction from life. Everything else becomes unimportant. Trouble.
Like any medicine, perfectionism in large doses is dangerous to health - it turns into poison, poisoning a person’s life. The pursuit of ideality in itself is wonderful, but you don’t need to get too hung up on it. There is a limit to what is possible and you should always try to maintain a compromise between the desire for perfection and the excessive costs that this may require.
In general, there are several degrees of perfectionism:
- Mild - when emotional outbursts during “breaking the pattern” are short-lived and then they are perceived with irony by a person when “looking back.” Well, it didn't work out. So what. It'll work out next time. Striving for the ideal in itself is not bad - the main thing is not to get hung up on inevitable mistakes and possible failures.
- Average - everything is getting more serious here. Such a person is no longer able to look at his failures with humor. He can work very hard to achieve a goal or maintain proper order. It is difficult for him to relax even for a second. This is often also called excellent student syndrome . This is no longer good, but you can live with it, because, although with difficulty, a person copes with the height of the barriers he himself has set.
- Clinical - here it is necessary to contact a psychiatrist, otherwise it will be impossible to get out of the depressive state caused by the obsession to achieve the ideal. The requirements for yourself or others (the very barriers that need to be overcome) are unrealistically high, there are many of them and their number can grow. Trouble.
Examples of perfectionism
“Perfectionists are often characterized by rigidity of thinking,” says psychologist Victoria Witte. “Such people are not capable of creativity or searching for alternative solutions. They often get “stuck in the past” and live in their own world, while the world around them has already changed significantly.”
A 70-year-old owner of a small store can be considered a perfectionist, who does not allow his subordinates to ask for a salary increase, does not change anything in his own business for years, and works the old fashioned way. But he considers himself “head and shoulders above” those around him, since back in Soviet times he received a “good education” or worked in a “serious position.” At the same time, there is a constant turnover of staff in his store, the team is a mess, and customers and subordinates laugh at him behind his back.
Fact. Perfectionism is often associated with workaholism. Such people completely devote themselves to work, forgetting about the other side of life: family, friends, relaxation and even their own health. Perfectionist careerists were Leo Tolstoy, Friedrich Nietzsche , and in recent history , Steve Jobs .
The Perfectionist Paradox
“According to Tal Ben-Shahar , psychologist and author of the book The Perfectinist Paradox, the paradox is that such a person can be both successful and unhappy,” notes Victoria Witte. “We are all constantly under invisible pressure from society. We believe that we should look younger, earn more, and smile constantly. But what happens if you get rid of these attempts to always do everything right? Is success really that important if you don’t get satisfaction from your work?”
In an effort to always be the best and avoid mistakes, the seeds of procrastination can develop. This is what psychology calls attempts to constantly put off important things “for later” because there is a fear of doing them not in the best way. Or avoid situations in which the perfectionist sees the threat of his own shame, believes that if he does something wrong, he will definitely be judged and decided that he is not perfect.
Perfectionism and procrastination go hand in hand. And the more a person worries about his failures, the more often he tries to avoid important projects, public speaking and other “dangerous moments”. Ultimately, this negatively affects his career and increases self-doubt.
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Which version of perfectionism is considered the norm?
Until 1978, psychologists agreed that every component of perfectionism was destructive. The first refutation was given by Donald Hamachek when he stated: healthy perfectionism exists! It is developed in people with leadership qualities and high performance. They set realistic goals that correspond to their mental, physical characteristics, level of wealth and social place in society. When achieving goals, a person with healthy perfectionism experiences passion and excitement, and enjoys it. His self-esteem throughout the entire process of working towards the goal is high.
If you recognize yourself, you don’t have to read further - there’s no need to fight perfectionism - you’re doing great and you’re probably a successful person.
The following description illustrates a person with destructive (neurotic) perfectionism. He is characterized by a fear of failure, a desire for unattainable ideals, and an attempt to prove to others that he is better than he really is. He is not satisfied with his work and suffers from mistakes. Even after receiving amazing results, he does not praise himself. As psychologist Tom Greenspon used to say, “Successful perfectionists are successful not because of their perfectionism, but in spite of it.” So, be more critical of statements in books that all rich and successful people are perfectionists.
A short test for perfectionism
One of the forms of destructive perfectionism is procrastination - postponing something until later because the desire to do it perfectly is great, but the potential is small.
Pedantry and perfectionism - what is the difference?
“A perfectionist and a pedant are similar in their rigid thinking, anxiety and low self-esteem,” the expert comments. “But little things and details are important to a pedant, and besides, he evaluates himself. For a perfectionist, the assessment of other people is much more important. His way of thinking is dominated by the need to avoid judgment from others, and the result turns out to be more important to him than the details.”
In ordinary life, a pedant demands perfect order in everything. It is important for him that the documents are filled out accurately and without corrections. At work, his desk is a model of cleanliness, with every item in its place. At home, his toothbrush stands at the right angle in a clean glass, and his spoon lies strictly parallel to his fork.
A perfectionist will not pay attention to such trifles. It is important for him that the book he is working on is written perfectly, and that the renovation he has started in his own home is perfect.
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What is the cause of perfectionism?
Usually the reason lies in early childhood and the characteristics of upbringing. Let's look at a classic example. Parents consider it their main task to motivate their child to succeed and in every possible way support his desire to achieve. They reward with praise and give love only if the child meets their expectations: an excellent student, obedient, exemplary. And if he does something wrong, they react with strict prohibitions. Perhaps they humiliate and shame. Why do they do this? Parents place their hopes and aspirations on the child, believe that he is special, and support this belief in him. And thus they satisfy their own need for achievement, proudly declaring to others how wonderful their son (or daughter) is in all respects. “Program” for life Over time, such a child gets used to ignoring his desires and feelings. He pays attention only to what is socially approved, worthy, and prestigious. As a result, he is forced to achieve these goals, hoping to receive a reward, as in childhood. However, she does not bring him the desired pleasure. And somewhere deep inside himself he understands: this is not at all what he needs.
Modern research in the field of psychology shows that the reverse side of the “excellent student syndrome” most often turns out to be chronic fatigue, constant overexertion, dissatisfaction with oneself and others, disappointment and apathy.
Can perfectionism be considered a personality disorder?
“In psychiatry and clinical psychology, perfectionism is considered a manifestation of ambition, one of the ways of overcompensating for an inferiority complex,” says psychologist Victoria Witte. “But I’m not inclined to label people.” Today a person shows signs of perfectionism, and tomorrow he becomes a happy businessman who has worked through his problem, achieved success and feels satisfaction from it.”
It is much more important to understand why people develop an excessive desire for perfection. According to the expert, its foundations are laid in childhood. If a child is often criticized, tightly controlled, his freedom and self-expression are suppressed, his work is devalued and he is scolded for mistakes, there is a high probability that he will grow up to be a perfectionist. And throughout his life, until he realizes his problem and decides to fight it, he will experience difficulties in communicating and perceiving himself.
At the same time, it is a mistake to consider perfectionism only an “individual characteristic” or a simple shortcoming. The emotional stress that a person experiences for years seriously affects his health, lifestyle and can cause quite tangible negative consequences:
- development of psychosomatic diseases . This risk is due to the constant tension of the body and psyche with which a person lives. He is forced to be active all the time, spending much more energy than he replenishes. But this cannot go on for long. At some point the body malfunctions and the person ends up in a hospital bed;
- loneliness and suffering . Constantly tormenting thoughts about one’s own imperfection, dissatisfaction with oneself, and low self-esteem do not allow one to build normal relationships with other people. A perfectionist may be lonely simply because he experiences discomfort when communicating with others, as he considers them better than himself. Or it doesn’t allow people to go through a tough casting process to become friends. Finally, he simply does not allow himself to rest and have fun, and therefore often finds himself alone;
- loss of interest in life and activities.
“What happens to a computer when it overheats? - Victoria Witte comments. — It turns off, cools down and reboots, and sometimes it may not turn on at all. So it is with a person: sooner or later he loses his activity and energy.”
Against the background of perfectionism, anxiety and depression often develop, which lead to even greater threats to health and life: constant fatigue, insomnia, anhedonia - a condition in which everything that made you happy before does not bring pleasure. One of the most dangerous consequences of psychological problems is an existential crisis - loss of meaning in life and the associated likelihood of suicide.
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What is perfectionism - the answer of a psychologist
Perfectionism is the desire to do everything perfectly, says psychologist Albina Sirazieva .
For a perfectionist, it is very important to keep everything under control. If something doesn't go according to plan, the perfectionist begins to feel powerless.
The nature of perfectionism goes back to childhood, when the child never received praise or when parental love was conditional.
For example, they loved only when the child received a good grade or did something around the house. Then the child was told that he was doing well and that they loved him. If the child did nothing of the kind, then he was automatically considered bad.
For normal development, a child must receive unconditional love. He must realize from childhood that he is valuable in himself by birthright, and not for some achievements.
Otherwise, the child may fall into perfectionism, which is fixed in the subconscious for many years, and sometimes for life.
What is the harm of perfectionism? Perfectionism is always about what needs to be done perfectly. Even if a perfectionist has done something well, he cannot shake the feeling that it could have been better.
This slows down the work process, raises psychological tension in a person, which can lead to a decrease in performance, concentration, and then to an exacerbation of chronic diseases, and ultimately lead to neurosis.
Therefore, it is important to monitor these conditions and work with them.
The easiest way to overcome perfectionism is to give yourself permission to not be perfect, to live imperfectly, to work imperfectly, etc.
This helps reduce psychological stress and allows energy to circulate freely within you.
How to identify a perfectionist and help him
According to Victoria Witte, there is a multidimensional perfectionism scale created to diagnose this condition and determine its level. However, this test was created a long time ago - even during the formation of psychology as a science. Therefore, it is incorrect to consider it the main diagnostic method.
“For me, it serves as an additional diagnostic tool,” the expert notes. “And it cannot replace a personal conversation, a biographical method and anamnesis.”
And in order to get rid of perfectionism and fill your life with positive emotions, the specialist advises following a few simple rules:
- set priorities . Try not to put everything on yourself, cut off or delegate less important tasks to other people, and do the important ones yourself. Distribute energy wisely;
- learn to relax . Alternate work and rest. Choose the relaxation method that you like. Try breathing practices, auto-training for muscle relaxation;
- don't compare yourself to others . Appreciate your uniqueness and the uniqueness of others. Rejoice in your successes, and perceive mistakes and mistakes as experience;
- praise yourself . This is also important. Keep a “thought diary” and write down in it what emotions negative situations caused you, and what result this led to;
- please your “inner child” . Learn to enjoy life. Find a hobby, something for the soul, which you will do only for pleasure, and not for the sake of results;
- Spend time with pleasant people , like-minded people. Try to be in nature more often.
And don't take life too seriously. Many problems will go away on their own, and everyday life will sparkle with new colors if you perceive life not as a race for perfection, but as an interesting game or an exciting adventure.
Ways to get rid of perfectionism?
Apply for a consultation with a psychologist on the question “how to get rid of perfectionism”
- Accept yourself as you are, with all your flaws and virtues . Perfectionists need to understand that every person has both positive and negative traits. It's normal to have weaknesses.
- Do some self-assessment . The self-esteem of a perfectionist depends on the results of his activities. And if there are no results, then self-esteem becomes low. The self-esteem of a healthy person does not depend on external circumstances. (How to increase self-esteem)
- Give up black and white thinking. Perfectionists divide everything only into “good” and “bad.” But any event has both positive and negative sides. And perfectionists need to understand this.
- Don't compare yourself to others. If a perfectionist compares himself with others, he only gets fresh food for self-flagellation. The perfectionist does not realize that most often he has too little information to make such conclusions.
- Learn to prioritize. You will chase two hares and not catch either. Perfectionists prioritize too many tasks. But you don’t need to move mountains to achieve incredible results. It is important to set priorities correctly and allocate time only for the most important things. This means saying no to everything else. (How to Master the Billionaire Thinking Model)
- Understand that there is no absolute ideal. What is ideal for one person will be ordinary for another. Try to be imperfect on purpose. Consider this as training.
- Learn to enjoy life. Life resources that are spent on self-flagellation could be spent on something useful. First, recognize your achievements and praise yourself. Find sources of inspiration. Practice seeing more positive things in life.
