For a teenager, feelings of loneliness and uselessness are common. And it is incredibly difficult to escape from their influence, especially if the adults who are nearby simply brush you off: “Don’t take everything to heart,” “Just do something,” “Don’t make things up,” “I’d like your problems.” . But there really are problems. A depressed state forces you to hide within yourself, gradually erecting a heavy glass dome over yourself. Let's figure out together what the nature of such a feeling as loneliness is and whether there are ways to deal with the unpleasant feeling of uselessness that does not want to disappear.
Experience of loneliness
Loneliness is experienced very painfully. This is a feeling that we want to escape from, and we do this by being distracted by something. We are helped by watching TV shows and movies, computer, mobile phone, travel, alcohol, work. All this helps to get rid of the unpleasant feeling. Because in solitude we experience that we are again thrown back to ourselves. In solitude I have only myself. I'm abandoned. There's no one around. I don't have a relationship, I don't have anyone I can talk to. Loneliness is the experience of not being in a relationship. This feeling can be especially acute in longing for something. If you love someone, you feel sad at being separated from them. I miss my loved one, I feel connected to him, but I cannot see him. My heart is with him, and without him or her, my heart is lost to a certain extent.
A similar feeling can be experienced during nostalgia, when we yearn for our native places. I experienced a very strong homesickness when, as a child of 11-12 years old, I was in a boarding school. It was warm and pleasant at home, I had relationships there, I had friends there, and I was at a boarding school far from home. I was away from home for a whole month. I felt like I was in a foreign world. The world was cold and I felt lost. All this time I was thinking what was happening at home, what my relatives were doing: now they got up, now they are having dinner, now the family has gathered at the table. And I was constantly in pain because I was separated from the part of life where I usually experienced warmth, where I had a feeling that I was part of this world. I felt incredibly lonely.
We can feel lonely at work if we are confronted with some demands, if there are some projects that we have not yet matured into. Where we feel insecure about them, and if no one supports us. Then we feel alone. If I know that everything depends on me alone, fear may arise that will accompany loneliness. This is the fear that I will turn out to be a weakling, that I will feel guilty because I cannot cope.
It's even worse if bullying occurs at work. Then I will feel that I am at the mercy of this, that I am on the edge of society and that I am no longer part of it.
Loneliness is a very big topic in old age, in old age. And in childhood. Children who are not met, children who are left alone when their parents are busy with something else, can feel helpless in their loneliness. Loneliness traumatizes children because alone they are not able to develop their self. They stop developing. A distortion occurs in the development of a child if he experiences long moments of loneliness. On the other hand, it is not so bad if the child spends a couple of hours alone, since this is an impetus for his development. This is exactly what reality is.
In old age, loneliness is no longer a traumatic factor and does not hinder development - but it does load. It can cause depression, paranoid feelings, sleep disorders, psychosomatic complaints and pseudodementia. It happens that pseudodementia is a person’s silence from loneliness. He used to have a family, he worked for decades, was among people, and now he sits at home alone. One of my patients, aged 85, was sitting at home alone. Being her doctor, so that she would not be completely lonely, I bought her a canary. She had a living creature. This canary helped her live a couple of years longer. She talked to her every day.
For most older people, TV serves as a “comforter”. But TV is communication directed only in one direction. And yet man, at least, hears human voices. And in any case he can say something to himself, even if no one will hear. I think this is not a bad form of overcoming loneliness, creating some kind of bridge, because it relieves the severity of loneliness. But, of course, this is an ersatz, a replacement. In old age, loneliness can be very depressing. Especially if he has lost the ability to see or hear. Can I imagine having to live in this state for a couple of years? When the only thing that will accompany me is back pain or digestive disorders. We can imagine how helpless we are in such situations. And here the question of the value of life really arises.
Do I know loneliness? If we ask ourselves: When was the last time I felt lonely? Is loneliness somehow present in my life? Maybe it is hidden behind some kind of businesslike everyday life? If I'm honest, I can probably detect it. Or I may discover that there were times when I was lonely. Maybe I haven’t known this feeling for a long time? Maybe it's alien to me? Or the other pole: maybe I really suffer acutely from loneliness? And it suppresses me so much that all the joy about life has simply disappeared that the question arises about the meaning of life.
Bad mood or depression. How to distinguish
It is very difficult to independently distinguish a bad mood from seasonal depression - this can only be done by a specialist: a doctor or psychologist. A bad mood usually has a reason. This condition may last an hour or a day. But if a person has been in a bad mood for more than 2-3 weeks, there have been changes in sleep or eating, or actions that previously improved mood do not work, then we can assume that he is developing depression. In this case, you should definitely contact a specialist for help for diagnosis and selection of treatment.
What is seasonal depression? Experts also call it seasonal affective disorder, a variant of recurring low mood that begins in the fall and winter. Women aged 18–30 years are most susceptible to this condition. However, it can occur at any age. Seasonal apathy can lead to the development of clinical depressive and anxiety disorders. Seasonal depression occurs on average in 5% of the population, but in some northern latitudes this figure is slightly higher. For example, among residents of Alaska, every fourth resident noted seasonal mood swings.
Loneliness among people
I can experience loneliness not only if I have no relationships with people. I can feel lonely during a holiday, at a party, even at my own birthday, at school, at work, in my family. Sometimes people are nearby, but something is missing. There is no meeting, there is no intimacy, there is no exchange with the other person. We are having superficial conversations, but I have a need to really talk to a person. We talk about skiing, about cars, but we don't talk about me and you.
In many families, we talk only about some matters, who should buy what, who should cook the food, but they are silent about our relationships, about what we care about. Then I feel lonely and in the family.
If no one sees me in the family, especially if we are talking about a child, then I am lonely. It’s even worse - I’m abandoned, because there are people around, but they are not interested in me, they don’t look me in the eyes. They only look at whether I do well in school and that I don't do anything bad. And this is how I was raised. I'm growing up alone.
The same thing happens in partnerships: we have been together for 20 years, but at the same time we feel lonely. The sexual relationship is functioning, but am I in the relationship? For the other person, is it about me - or only about himself? Or just about satisfying some needs? If we don't take the time to talk to each other like we did when we were in love, then we become lonely even in good relationships.
In every relationship there are times when loneliness is felt as the relationship moves more along a curve, going through ups and downs. We cannot be constantly ready to communicate with another, be constantly open to another person. We are immersed in ourselves, busy with our problems, feelings, and we have no time for anything else. But it could happen just when he needs it most. At this moment I am not there for the other, and the other feels lonely, maybe even abandoned in trouble. Such situations occur in any relationship. But it doesn't harm the relationship if we can talk about our different states later. And then we find each other again. But sometimes these moments remain wounds that we receive in the course of our lives.
We can experience loneliness not only when we are not in a relationship, but even when we are surrounded by people. And at the same time, we may not feel lonely when no one is around.
To understand loneliness, let's try to look at a person more deeply. Then we can understand why loneliness manifests itself in so many different ways.
What is loneliness
Loneliness is a person’s detachment from the real world (physical, mental, spiritual) due to the reluctance or impossibility of establishing contacts with others. According to the theory of K. Rogers, loneliness is caused by the contradictions of the individual with his own self; This is a variant of maladaptation (problem with assimilation of social experience).
- Loneliness is not necessarily associated with social isolation. It occurs, as a rule, against the background of a violation of traditional social situations of development and situational interaction of the individual with other individuals. That is, we are talking about deformation in the passage of mandatory, age-appropriate elements and the formation of interaction models.
- For example, in adolescence it is necessary to communicate with peers. If an individual was deprived of this, then he did not learn to interact with either the opposite or the identical sex. The result is loneliness in adolescence and adulthood.
Loneliness is always based on opposite poles of feelings. That is, a person simultaneously feels, for example, fear and interest.
What is pathology?
An extreme version of pathological loneliness is autism (the inability to establish social contacts with subsequent isolation). This is an independent clinical disease that requires appropriate psychotherapeutic assistance. Therefore, in this article I will not describe autism.
Instead, we will talk about non-pathological forms, which, as a rule, conceal a feeling of misunderstanding, lack of recognition, unlove, lack of support, and more. Perhaps every person has experienced non-pathological loneliness to one degree or another. As E. Fromm’s concept states, loneliness is an integral feature of human existence.
Two supporting positions clearly differentiate pathology from the norm:
- Under normal conditions, loneliness does not change the communicative and activity sphere of the individual.
- With the pathological negative destructive nature of loneliness, the sphere of communication and activity of the individual noticeably suffers.
Levels of Loneliness
Existential loneliness is the broadest level. In addition to this, social and psychological loneliness are distinguished.
- The social is caused by a misunderstanding (non-acceptance) of the culture of society (change of values, immorality, changes in the environment due to growing up and changing location), that is, it is the individual’s non-acceptance of society. But it can also be based on society’s rejection of the individual (due to low status, different views).
- Psychological loneliness is caused by intrapersonal conflicts, contradictions, and crises. A person experiences the whole spectrum of emotions and sometimes he himself does not understand why he feels loneliness. The “cocktail” of such loneliness includes personal values and attitudes, character, temperament, interests, needs and desires.
Reasons for loneliness
Man is a creature that is, as it were, placed in the world. The main idea of existential philosophy is that it is impossible to be human without correlation with the world. To be human means fundamentally to be in the world, to be in connection with something or someone else. Without connecting with otherness, it is impossible to be human.
Heidegger defined “being here” (existence) in precisely this way. Heidegger often used the word Dasein instead of the concept Person to show that I cannot be if I am not connected with You or with This. To be here is to be at peace. In the world of my family, in the world of my city, in the world of my ideas and ideas. That is, being human is a fundamental relatedness. If something in this correlation is not functioning, then we experience a lack of something and may feel lonely.
But this connection is twofold. Martin Buber spoke about the “I-Thou” and “I-It” relationships: I relate to another person, just like me, and this is a personal relationship, or I relate to some thing, some business ( for example, “I’m driving a car”). That is, relationships have an external pole, but they also have an internal pole. I also need to deal with myself, I need not just BE in this world, but I must also be ME. We have a correlation outside and a correlation with ourselves. This idea can help you understand three reasons why loneliness occurs.
Firstly, loneliness is a violation, a disorder of relationships. When we are alone, we worry that there is either no relationship or that it is not developing correctly. A relationship with a person means: I am connected with this person through my feelings, I would like to experience the person in my feelings. I would like to be able to feel what motivates him and what he feels.
Let's think about the relationship with your child. I would like to feel how a child experiences and lives his life. I would like to participate in this, I would like to be close to him - because through closeness I develop a feeling about my child and his life.
Relationships are more than just relatedness in terms of feelings. Relationships always have a beginning, but relationships have no end. Relationships last forever. And it can be assumed that since I always remain connected to the person with whom I have or had a relationship, I can never be lonely. All the relationships that I had with other people were preserved in me. If I meet my ex-girlfriend after 20 years on the street, then my heart begins to beat faster - because there was something, and it still continues to be in me. Everything that happens in a relationship is preserved. And I can live by this. If I experienced something good with some person, then this is a source of happiness in my subsequent life. I can think about my mother, my father, with whom I had a good relationship, and feel a warm feeling.
However, if the relationship is bad, then I don’t want to remember them, I don’t want to go back to the past. Then I wish it weren't true. Then I lose contact with it. There seems to be a relationship, but it hurts me - and I turn away. And if I turn away, then the relationship no longer lives at that moment. Therefore, it may be that I will feel lonely, although I am or have been in a relationship.
There's another reason why relationships can make you feel lonely. What we have described so far is the outer pole of the relationship. But there are relationships directed inward—relationships with oneself. If I don’t feel myself, if I don’t have feelings, if they are muted, then I’m alone with myself. If I don’t feel my body, my breathing, my mood, my well-being, my fatigue, my joy, my pain - if I don’t feel all this, then I’m not in a relationship with myself. Then I am missing a fundamental, basic part of life.
This can happen if I have had an experience that caused pain - then I don’t want to turn on myself. If I have been offended, disappointed, deceived, if I have been ridiculed, then I feel pain if I turn towards myself. And it is a natural human reflex to turn away from what causes pain and suffering. We described this in terms of external relationships, but also in internal relationships I can withdraw from myself. And then I no longer feel myself, I am no longer in a relationship with myself. It can take me so far that I won't feel my body. I will feel my feelings to such a small extent that I will develop psychosomatic disorders. They always indicate that you are not feeling something very important. This is a signal: you don’t have to continue living like this, feel what hurts you so that you can process it. So that you can be sad, so that you can forgive - otherwise you will not be free. Migraines, stomach ulcers, asthma and other disorders tell me: don't continue like this. There is something very important that you must do first.
If I lose my relationship with myself, then I will no longer be able to feel myself. Or even worse - I can’t live a relationship with you either.
I cannot truly experience a relationship with another if I am not capable of resonance, if no movement arises in me, because the feelings are too wounded. Or because I never really had them. If my mother never held me in her arms, if my father did not have time for me, if I had no real friends, then I have a “dull” world of feelings - a world that has not been able to develop. Then my feelings are poor and then I am constantly alone. Because I don't feel very good (or not at all). Therefore, in relation to another person, my feelings are also flat. This is the second level of relationships that leads to loneliness.
But there is also a third level, which is above the level of relationships and which is also causally related to loneliness. This is the meeting level. This level is connected with the fact that I am I in a relationship. If in a relationship we can experience being together and feel the closeness of another person, then thanks to the I another aspect is introduced that “explodes” this pleasant being together: with all our connectedness and mutual striving towards, we realize that I am I, You are You, but I am not You. That difference that cannot be eliminated. It is eliminated, for example, in a symbiotic relationship, when I myself dissolve in you. But if I am I, then there is a boundary between us. Then I worry that, in principle, I am responsible only for myself, I am left alone with myself.
There is no second Alfried Langle in this world. Each of us is one and only. The way I am is unique and unique nowhere else. And this is the basis that can potentially make us alone in this world.
How to get rid of depression and loneliness
Nowadays it has become fashionable to call oneself not a lonely person, but a free person. But what to do when there is no one to show off to and seem better than you really are, when you are at night and from the silence of your own home you are slowly going crazy, when it doesn’t matter who is nearby, as long as this someone is present in life, When does the feeling of loneliness drag on and develop into depression? You don't have to actually be that way to feel lonely. Often people, living in marriage, having parents and friends, feel lonely.
Loneliness is dangerous because it can cause serious depression or lead to suicide attempts.
Loneliness does not choose its victim according to age or gender. The status, material security, appearance and type of activity of the chosen one are also unimportant for him. A young man who cannot find a suitable partner feels the same spiritual emptiness as an elderly person who has lost loved ones or does not know how to find a common language with the younger generation. Loneliness is often experienced by subjects who have an inert nervous system, who forcefully establish social contacts, who have difficulty getting used to new people in their environment. In addition, the presence of a feeling of loneliness is due to a deep pathology of the individual’s psyche, for example, due to autism.
Personal perception of loneliness is of great importance. Most people mistakenly perceive loneliness as a tragedy. Instead of “making friends” with him, making him your ally, using him to work on your own personality. A person with a healthy psyche and a cool mind should perceive loneliness as an opportunity to change himself, personality traits, and appearance for the better, as an incentive for self-improvement.
How to get rid of the feeling of loneliness when there is no loved one nearby who could simply listen, when loneliness is justified and a person has no one to go to the cinema with, spend the weekend, no one to invite to visit? First of all, it is recommended not to focus on the negative feeling; there is no need to feel sorry for yourself, burying yourself headlong under the feeling of your own worthlessness.
You should convince yourself that loneliness is only freedom and personal independence.
How to get rid of loneliness - the advice of a psychologist states that the first step is to identify the reason that caused the feeling of abandonment and understand the nature of the feeling felt. For this purpose, you need to understand yourself. You should try to understand exactly why loneliness is felt, what is missing and what you would like. It would be useful to engage in thorough self-analysis.
If all attempts to find out the cause and understand the nature of the phenomenon are unsuccessful, then you can seek professional help. After identifying the causes, you need to begin working to eliminate them. First of all, you need to take a closer look at your surroundings. Maybe there are people in it who are constantly dissatisfied with everything, eternal skeptics who make you sad. It is better to limit communication with such individuals. It is also necessary to expand the circle of communicative interaction. It is better to give preference to positive and open subjects who radiate happiness and confidence with their entire appearance.
Often, ordinary communication with sincere, kind and positive people is a cure for many mental (and other) ailments. Therefore, you need to try to communicate and get to know each other more. A person surrounded by loyal, supportive, successful, cheerful, honest, empathetic friends will never be negatively affected by feelings of loneliness. Moreover, today it has become much easier to meet people. Our age of super information technology allows us not to limit our circle of communication exclusively to people living in one city or country.
Today it has become possible to maintain communication with a resident of any “corner” of the globe. For this purpose, various social networks, thematic forums, dating sites, and programs for communicating via the Internet have been created. Even the language barrier is no longer an obstacle, because many translation programs have been developed. The Internet not only helps you find people to talk to, but often even connects two loving hearts. At the same time, the virtual world should not completely replace real life.
Do not neglect “live” communication. Therefore, if you receive an invitation to come visit on the occasion of a party, then you should take your eyes off the monitor, go put yourself in proper shape and feel free to go visit. After all, there may also be several extraordinary personalities at the party, communication with whom will give many pleasant moments.
On various forums you can often find “cries for help”, such as: “help me get rid of loneliness”, “I’m tired of loneliness, what should I do?” and so on. If the cause of loneliness is hidden behind uncertainty and low self-esteem, then it is necessary to begin with double zeal to eradicate your own complexes and insecurities, which are an obstacle on the road to success and a happy life. After all, low self-esteem and uncertainty prevent you from building healthy relationships not only with the opposite sex, but also with individuals of your own gender.
You need to take responsibility for your own life, not allowing fears and far-fetched complexes to control it. To increase self-esteem, first of all, you need to sincerely love your own personality, unconditionally, and then focus your energy on self-improvement, which is achieved by reading various educational literature, watching the news, developing communication skills and desired character traits, eradicating “bad” qualities .
You need to be interested in what is happening around you, and not isolate yourself in your own “not very pleasant” personality. In fact, society treats an individual the way he treats himself. Cultivating dependence on public opinion, many do not realize that only her opinion and judgments of those closest and dearest should be important for a self-sufficient person. In addition, considering themselves a collection of all kinds of complexes, individuals do not notice that these complexes may not exist in reality, and if they do exist, they are not as “terrible and deplorable” as the imagination depicts.
To get rid of loneliness on your own, it is recommended to find something you like or a hobby that will bring you pleasure and satisfaction from the process. If you don’t have enough knowledge to implement your favorite activity, then you can sign up for a thematic seminar or training. Seminars and trainings not only increase the level of knowledge, but also contribute to the acquisition of useful contacts and communication skills.
The appearance of the person struggling is also important in the fight against loneliness. An unkempt, unattractive appearance directly affects a person’s self-esteem, lowering it, and low self-esteem, as mentioned above, provokes a lot of complexes within oneself, which leads to a feeling of loneliness. In addition, even a slight change in appearance can give a bit of confidence, which will be an excellent incentive for new achievements and making interesting acquaintances.
