Crisis of six months of relations
The very first stage in the formation of a relationship is crossing the six-month mark. It is also called the “candy-bouquet” period. The irresistible physical attraction to each other, “rose-colored glasses,” the desire to see only positive aspects in a partner begin to fade into the background.
If we draw a parallel with the development of a child, we can remember that the first year of life is the oral-sensory (S. Freud) stage of development. The leading activity is direct emotional communication. The main thing during this period is the formation of a basic sense of security in relation to the world around us (the first stage), enjoyment of the feeding process, and the desire to taste the world. At about the age of six months, the child begins to move more actively, begins to crawl, and sit. Now he does not need outside help in order to move in the safe space allocated for him by his loving parents.
That is, in a marriage trust in a partner has been formed; physical intimacy implies some deeper process, a spiritual connection. “Falling in love lasts six months,” surely each of us has heard such folk wisdom. At the turn of six months, infatuation transforms into love.
Main causes of crises
As a rule, a crisis never occurs from one single reason. Its emergence and development is based on many factors, some of which are dominant, others are accompanying, and others are present in a slight shadow. They can either maintain a stable position or change, that is, come to the fore, or lose importance as the crisis progresses.
Typically these reasons include:
- Financial difficulties. They manifest themselves in the form of a lack of money for the essentials (food, seasonal clothing, utility bills, medicines), unjustified hopes of one party for material support for the other half, loans (rightly creating a feeling of trap), disputes about the general budget (when one earns more and wants to have decisive voting right).
- Lack of personal time. If work and, in particular, family obligations deprive a person of the opportunity to take care of himself, engage in self-development, and devote time to hobbies, it is natural for him to experience chronic fatigue, apathy and irritation at the reason that led to this, that is, at his soulmate.
- Birth of a child. In this case, one of the partners (usually the husband) may experience jealousy - for the love and attention, care and time devoted to the baby. The couple may also disagree about raising and caring for the child.
- Everyday life and everyday life. It may seem surprising, but what is usually considered a normal, familiar, calm course of life for a person is a serious test for a love relationship. After all, two people have to share responsibilities, contribute and find options for thousands of solutions that should suit both (even choosing the time for breakfast in the family can become a problem). Plus, all this shows your loved one not from the fairy-tale, romantic side, but from the most ordinary side. And willy-nilly you have to look for what else you can love him for besides those traits that made you dizzy at first.
- Big problems. This can be a serious illness, problems in business and much more, which puts one of the partners in a weaker, more vulnerable position, when a person is in dire need of emotional and practical support, care and empathy. Plus, many problems not only exist nearby, but also affect the other half, which can also cause discontent.
Crisis of one year of married life
The crisis of one year of married life is the first difficult test for newlyweds.
If we draw a parallel with the development of a child, the crisis of one year marks the beginning of a new stage of personality development - anal-sadistic (S. Freud). We can say that this is the period of initial formation of certain character traits, which will largely constitute the “core of personality.” For example, pedantry. The same is true in married life.
The “candy-bouquet” period has passed, the spouses begin to realize and understand that each of them is the bearer of not only some everyday habits, preferences, traditions, but also beliefs, views, and worldviews. The spouses note that the quarrels that begin to occur during this period of relationship formation are more of a domestic nature. It turns out that the husband scatters socks around the apartment, and in the wife’s parental family it was customary to wash the dishes immediately after eating, rather than storing them in the kitchen sink.
Periods
In moments of crisis, people may withdraw, behave coldly, or, on the contrary, become irritable. Most often, behavior changes not for the better. Some people try to endure, others leave. Only the person himself can determine the correctness of his action.
In family psychology, there is a periodization of family crises. It is worth noting that not all couples strictly according to the calendar experience difficulties in their relationships. Some crises may be completely asymptomatic. This periodization is conditional; it is more related to events occurring at one time or another.
Crisis of first intimacy
First sex is not always joyful and pleasant. It can be frustrating or scary. For some people, this is a reason to think about breaking up, despite the sympathy that has arisen. People's sexual needs are varied. Some issues are uncomfortable and embarrassing to discuss, especially if there is no trust in the relationship.
In a healthy relationship, all issues of interest are discussed. It’s better to overcome embarrassment, but say that you don’t like it. If we are talking about rejection at the physiological level (for example, a repulsive smell), then it is useless to fight it. It's better to break up.
Crisis of meeting relatives
Failure to accept a loved one by parents is not only a trauma, but also a reason to separate. Not everyone is ready to go against their family. An adult must understand that he himself has the right to decide with whom to live.
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Parents can express an opinion, comment on something, but not impose their vision. The responsibility for solving the problem lies with the partner who brings the partner into the house.
Crisis of the beginning of life together
The difficulty of the moment lies in the need to reconsider the usual existence. Some are not ready to give up their habits and interests, which is why the other person suffers discomfort. To establish a life together, you need to discuss household responsibilities, distribution of money, and pastime.
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Marriage crisis
Marriage is not just a new relationship, but also a different degree of responsibility. After the stamp appeared in the passport, others perceive the relationship and roles of the spouses differently. Getting married means that a person has made his choice. You need to answer your questions.
- How suitable is this person for me?
- Do we have common values?
People can be completely different, but on global issues their opinions must coincide.
Crisis 3 years
This time is associated with pregnancy and the birth of children. The child completely subjugates the life of his parents for some time. Here you need to find a balance so as not to drown in parenthood and not lose sight of your spouse.
A small child reveals all the problems present in the couple: resentments and misunderstandings surface. The latent conflict in which the spouses lived blossoms. Parents should be a team and solve problems together.
It is worth discussing separately the crises associated with pregnancy and children.
Child Absence Crisis
The couple agree that they do not plan to have a child yet, or do not want one at all. Over time, it turns out that one of the partners simply accepted the other’s terms, but in fact he has a different point of view.
If there is no understanding on the issue of having children, or it turns out that people have different values, there is no point in holding on to the relationship.
Pregnancy crisis
Waiting for a child does not always happen with joy and trepidation. Due to hormonal changes, a woman becomes more vulnerable, whiny, and irritable. It is difficult for her to cope with household responsibilities. Due to the spouse's constant dissatisfaction, the relationship can become tense.
The husband should show understanding, try to support his wife, and once again show signs of attention. Some women manipulate their condition in order to get some bonuses. This behavior irritates a man and ruins relationships.
Crisis 5-7 years
The deterioration of relationships is associated with the fading of passion and romance. Some spouses mistakenly perceive this as the end of love. In fact, people stop noticing each other in the routine of everyday affairs.
Sometimes, in order to renew a previous relationship, you need to spend time together as a man and a woman, and not as spouses who pull the burden of life together.
Empty nest crisis
Children grow up, they have their own interests, perhaps their own family. Adult parents understand that there is a void. Some people perceive this as a tragedy, others as an opportunity to realize something for which there was no time before.
The empty nest crisis helps you rethink your life and make your own plans for a life without children.
The latest crisis becomes a turning point for many couples. People get divorced, find new relationships, or live alone for their own pleasure. This is not a tragedy, but a reason to find balance in life.
Crisis of three years of family relationships
Statistics show that a large number of divorces occur during this period of existence of a young family.
Let's draw a parallel with personality development. Crisis of three years. Parents who have experienced this stage of their child’s development know firsthand that this is an important period, this is a difficult period, and someone even remembering this time may choose the word “nightmare.” The baby becomes aware of his “I”, the child begins to “show character”: “I myself,” “I want.” Whims, tantrums in stores, protests, self-will, disobedience, aggression - this is a short list of signs that a child is beginning to find himself.
In married life, a desire and desire for personal space appears, the need for the spouse to respect his boundaries, the desire to have something “of his own,” untouchable and intimate; attempts by a partner to control this side of life cause negative emotions and aggression. During this period, dissatisfaction with the other half becomes especially acute:
- “Our views on life do not coincide”
- "We are different people"
- "Do you understand me"
Surely you are familiar with the expression: “We ate a pound of salt together.” This means that people have lived together enough time to get to know each other and learn to live together.
Scientists have calculated that a pound of salt (just over 16 kg) is consumed by a married couple in about 3 years.
Some experts also believe that the crisis of three years of marriage is directly related to the birth of a child. The distribution of family roles, changes in the pace of life, and the emergence of responsibility for the health, development and upbringing of a child can cause a blow to marital relationships.
Eleven – thirteen years old
Periods of grinding in, lack of money, mutual dissatisfaction have been successfully overcome, and even monotony has been left behind. Having lived together for 11 years, nothing can surprise each other anymore. But no, new obstacles appear. And the first reason for discord is the midlife crisis. A person does not get any younger, he begins to think about what he has gone through, and a rethinking of values occurs. This crisis is often called the boring middle of life. Self-examination also affects the family - a dissatisfied appearance and eternal nagging simply drives them crazy. 13 years is also the peak moment for a child who breaks the blood of his beloved parents. The only thing worth recommending is to be patient and support each other.
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Crisis of seven years of family relationships
The 7-year crisis is dangerous for spouses because their relationships become predictable.
Differences in interests, lack of common hobbies, beliefs and views can alienate people from each other, especially since intimate sexual life becomes less intense and varied.
If we draw a parallel with the development of personality, we can remember that at the age of 7 a child begins to develop such new mental formations as: conscience, self-esteem, inner speech. Have you ever seen a seven-year-old child walking towards you on the street and talking to himself? If yes, then know that this child has begun to form a so-called inner world, the one in which we conduct a dialogue with ourselves.
Crisis of 13-14 years of family relationships
The crisis of 13-14 years is highlighted by researchers of family life due to the fact that it, as a rule, coincides with the natural age crisis of the spouses themselves.
It is easy to guess that in relation to the periods of human personality development, we are dealing with an adolescent crisis. A calm and docile teenager without any worries or internal conflicts is as incredible as an obedient three-year-old.
Looking back on the years lived with your spouse, especially if they cannot be called cloudless and happy, thoughts arise about “did I give the best years of my life to the right person?” Disappointment, unfulfilled expectations from living together with a partner, unrealized potential create fertile ground for thinking: “Or maybe I should give it all up? Time goes by, I’m not getting any younger.” And here, registry office workers are faced with an influx of divorces from married couples who have been married for two decades.
