Why a man is jealous: answers from a psychologist

Why is a man jealous of his woman?

Male jealousy at the beginning of a relationship causes tenderness, a smile, and can raise women’s self-esteem. But representatives of the fair sex do not even think about how much this funny animal called “jealousy” is capable of growing in size and manifestations. And then the jealous man no longer causes awe - he becomes a real tyrant, a bore, an insecure person from whom you want to run away. What is a man's jealousy? What are its causes and types? What signs in a relationship shouldn’t be ignored? And, most importantly, how to deal with this “disease”?

The husband is jealous of his male friends. What to do?

From the above, we conclude that the husband is jealous of his male friend not because of a sick fantasy, but rather because of the creation of conditions for jealousy, therefore it is necessary to change the wife’s behavior. So, my husband is jealous of his friend, what should I do? Firstly, you need to understand what connects a woman with another man (not her spouse), secondly, evaluate and analyze the friend’s behavior for intentions, and thirdly, if it turns out that such a friendship is harmful to the marriage, break off the friendly relationship.

There can be many reasons for the need for male attention:

It won’t be difficult to say goodbye to the third wheel or weaken his presence in life, open up to your husband, provide all the passwords, report at first about your actions, meetings, communication with people - this will weaken the man’s neurotic state.

Signs of male jealousy

Latent jealousy is a normal physiological feeling. It is inherent in absolutely every individual. We are jealous of our things, friends, loved ones - what we have or want to have. This is laid down from childhood. When a mother took someone else's baby in her arms, resentment, anger, and envy awoke inside her own child, resulting in whims or hysteria. But it’s one thing when, growing up, a person regulates jealousy, and another thing when he cultivates it in himself, slowly growing roots into this manic feeling.

During the candy-bouquet period, you won’t immediately understand with whom you are building a relationship, but psychologists advise paying attention to some behavioral aspects of a man:

in the presence of potential danger (other men), the jealous man’s pupils dilate strongly and suddenly, his cheeks turn pink, he lacks air, sweating is pronounced, his heart rate increases, the timbre becomes deeper, lower, even frighteningly growling;
he often reacts negatively and critically to your transformation in appearance;
the man gets very emotional about your delays at work, being late after school, going to see your family;
often takes offense, remains silent, trying to make you feel guilty;
as soon as you get together with your friends or parents about your business, he immediately tries to interrupt your plans, arguing that he wants to spend more time together.

Ignoring these harbingers can lead to the fact that as soon as a man becomes your legal spouse, family life will take a completely different turn.

Jealous husband: what does it look like?

“I called you for half an hour! Who have you been talking to for so long? You won’t be able to convey to him that you were chatting with your mother. You must answer on the first call, and never part with the gadget under any circumstances. And if it runs out of charge, you can’t avoid a scandal with a man!
“Have you posted photos from the sea on social networks? What do you need it for? Do you need new acquaintances, vulgar comments, looks from strangers? Until you remove it, there will be no calm.
“Did you wink at this passerby? Why is he staring at you like that then? Did you wear this sweater on purpose? I already accept you with your past, and you still continue to behave so obscenely!” The sad thing is that there is nothing criminal in the so-called “past”, but the very fact that a man (God forbid!) got you as an unchaste person will drive him crazy.
“Why did it take you so long to get back from the pharmacy? Who do you tell that there was a line - there is never one there! Did it also take you 20 minutes to get to the entrance? Walk here for 5 minutes at an accelerated pace!” At the same time, the jealous person constantly looks into the eyes, trying to catch the lie. There is simply no point in making reservations or making excuses - the brain does not respond to adequate information.
“Who is this knocking at your friend’s door? What kind of guy rated your photo? Why are you commenting on this? Who did you open a personal message for?” Your man will check all social networks, track your actions, monitor SMS. The motto of a jealous husband: if you close pages from him, there is definitely something to hide!
“Why are you dating your girlfriends again? I don’t want to see them - prostitutes, drunkards, bitches!” Even if a man accepted your girlfriends at the initial stages of the relationship, then your meetings will be limited.

You get the gist - living with a jealous person becomes simply unbearable. When a guy is jealous of his chosen one for everything in the world, his personal life is put to rest. Visits with parents (why else?), girlfriends, and colleagues are prohibited. Forget about corporate parties - all they do there is drink and seduce each other! Do you have a joint project with a male colleague? So you wanted it yourself! You like this actor from the film - pack your things and go to him, but why would he give in to such a little thing like you!

Of course, not every man is a pathological jealous person! But a woman should be wary of such “manifestations of concern”! Remember, if today you are beaten with words, the time may come when you will be punished physically!

I am a friend, you are a friend - we form a zealous circle

Every person experiences jealousy, and this is normal.
The question is how receptive a person is. One is ready to easily forgive the betrayal of a loved one. The second one will gnaw at the throats of you and your mutual friend if you forgot to invite him along for a walk. At these moments, the offended person feels like an outcast, unnecessary and deceived. These are all symptoms stemming from jealousy. By the way, it is essentially similar to envy. Both phenomena are formed in childhood and at the same age they are expressed openly. For example, remember the situation when your mother's friend's son tore off the head of your plastic Spider-Man because he didn't have one. Now you also don’t have a toy, and you are on the same level, no different from each other. This is how envy manifests itself. Later, this bully will face jealousy when his mother makes amends and buys you a new Spider-Man. Then the child will feel that he is loved less, because his mother gave the gift he dreamed of to you, a stranger. Moreover, she screamed and left her without sweets. Unforgivable betrayal. If at this moment the situation is not explained correctly, then vivid childhood grievances will develop into real traumas, and this will lead to problems in the future. For example, Othello syndrome. Or to the fact that comrades will consider a person unbalanced whenever he is jealous. Agree that it is difficult to communicate with someone who constantly sees conspiracy theories everywhere.

An oppressive feeling manifests itself in those moments when the situation goes beyond a person’s understanding of friendship. For example, there are people who believe that friendship should be based on the principle “one for all and all for one.” And God forbid the knights of the round meet without King Arthur. It seems to him that he falls outside the group, and that he is not valued in society. Based on their ideas, such people begin to ask questions and create conflicts. Those who are more reserved react silently, but experience a storm of emotions. Outwardly they are calm, but in their heads they have already painted a picture that without them the parties are brighter and cooler.

Jealousy is a complex feeling. It awakens many negative emotions: fear of losing loved ones, anger, a sense of wounded dignity.

What kind of jealousy is there?

Jealousy comes in different forms. The mild form only excites and excites the senses, but more intrusive, severe forms frighten, irritate and cause misunderstanding among the fair sex.

Types of male jealousy:

Reasonable.

Such jealousy has a basis or logical explanation. If a woman stays overnight with her friends, often goes to clubs without her partner, drinks alcohol, openly flirts with other men, jealousy of her partner is guaranteed, and this is normal!

Or, for example, a woman remained on good terms with her ex-boyfriend. And there seems to be nothing wrong with that. But why then does a man continue to be jealous of the past, because at that time you didn’t even know him? There is an explanation for this:

he understands that you were close to that man in every way, and this hurts;
there is a constant comparison with your former boyfriend, which keeps you in suspense;
any gestures you make towards your ex will be perceived as a potential risk of losing you.

If you think this is an innocent friendship, face the truth and mentally switch places. Here male jealousy is absolutely justified - he will not tolerate any “greetings from the past” on his territory. And don’t even try to make friends with your men - they have no use for it!

Unfounded.

Such jealousy does not pose a real threat, however, there is little pleasure in it. This applies to men who have an unresolved intrapersonal conflict that has been going on since childhood. Such emotions are especially characteristic of people born in large families, where they had to fight for attention to their person. Good deeds, illness, excellent behavior, grades, etc. Such “disliked” children, in their opinion, transfer this model of attitude to their partner in the future. Unreasonable male jealousy brings discomfort to both himself and his chosen one, because it is built from scratch.

Exaggerated.

It is more difficult to live with such a jealous person, because a man does not show his jealousy in public. He endures his wife’s company in company with a smile on his face, but at home he turns into a real brawler and despot. If you kissed his brother on the cheek when leaving, your man has already mentally put you to bed, get ready for a real interrogation with passion!

Pathological.

This is the most dangerous male jealousy. He doesn’t need reasons or fantasies - he is sure that his woman is cheating on him. The behavior of the partner does not play any role here - the chosen one will still harass her. Such jealousy is dangerous because, in addition to moral humiliation and terror, a woman suffers the fate of physical violence. A man intoxicated is especially scary - any words from his chosen one will provoke outbursts of aggression and anger, which can have the most dire consequences.

How to recognize a pathological jealous person:

bans on everything: leaving the house, telephone conversations, beautiful clothes, working in a male team, girlfriends, going to a pharmacy where the pharmacist is a man;
sudden outbursts of rage and threats of physical violence against the chosen one and her (imaginary) lover;
real surveillance of your woman (we're not just talking about the phone, pages on social networks and wiretapping, but real stalking).

Of course, we are talking about a mentally ill person. Your arguments and logical explanations will be accompanied by even greater resistance and bitterness. After all, the thought definitely lives in his head that his wife is unfaithful to him, and everyone around him knows about it and laughs at him. Sooner or later, his stressful state will result in something big and terrible, from which it is better to escape in advance.

Why is a guy jealous of others?

When a guy is jealous , every girl tries to find the reason for this feeling. Many people ask the question: “I haven’t changed anything, I haven’t updated my wardrobe, my haircut and makeup are the same. I don’t miss calls, I return home on time, and I don’t go to clubs and cafes with my friends without him. What's the matter?".

In fact, experts say that a guy is jealous of a girl not because of her, but for a number of other reasons:

Low self-esteem . Men's lack of confidence in their own abilities can greatly ruin the life of both their lover and the young man. Every representative of the strong half of humanity must be sure that the chosen one will never look the other way, because the young lady already has a soul mate. However, every man's self-esteem is their weak link. Therefore, any remark from a passion can hurt a guy for a long time.
Uncertainty about the chosen one. It happens that anxiety caused by possible betrayal is imposed by bitter experience. Maybe there was such a situation in the guy’s family, in which mom betrayed dad, exchanging him for another man. And the father, wounded to the very heart, did not forgive the betrayal, cursing his ex-wife for many years. What happens is that a boy is taught from childhood that every girl is a cheater who will run away at any opportunity.
Successful career. Many representatives of the stronger half of humanity associate the successful career of their beloved with frequent business trips and delays at work. At the same time, the overwhelming majority of men believe that their career advancement was facilitated by close and not at all working relationships with their boss.
Personal experience. If a young man has already experienced betrayal by his companion, the guy will be jealous of his beloved even of a close friend.
Influence of friends. If someone from the environment has encountered a betrayal of a passion, this also has a negative impact on the young man. This is also influenced by videos and correspondence in which girls are caught cheating.

You should not shift the blame for suspicion from the young lady herself. For example, she may dress provocatively and behave inappropriately, flirt and be flirtatious with other guys. Therefore, experts recommend first taking a closer look at yourself, and only then looking for reasons in your chosen one.

Psychologists say that a young man’s jealousy may be a common reaction to a young lady’s communication with other men. And if this reason is eliminated, the relationship will again be filled with harmony.

What are the causes of male jealousy

When the chosen one has all the signs of a jealous person, all that remains is to find out the reasons in order to understand how to deal with it.

Male psychology allows us to answer the main question: why a man is jealous of his woman.

So, 12 main reasons for male jealousy:

Self-affirmation at the expense of a woman. A man creates scenes of jealousy only in order to take it out on his chosen one for his lack of success, for the fact that he does not reach her level. In appearance, age, professionally, society.
Heightened self-esteem. It is impossible to prove anything to such men - they are too arrogant and hot-temperedly perceive any wrong look or movement towards other men. If you hug a childhood friend when you meet, you are guaranteed the title of “girl of easy virtue.”
Low self-esteem. This reason borders on pathological self-doubt, when a man feels like a complete insignificance that no normal woman can love. Why are you in a relationship with him? Looking for some benefit? And when you get it, humiliate him and leave for a more successful male? The behavior of such a man can vary from whiny, crushed to angry and aggressive.
Emotional stagnation. This is a case when a man was taught from childhood to suppress his emotions (screaming, resentment, tears, etc.). Psychologists say that it is jealousy that becomes a lightning rod. If a man is stingy in showing emotions, his jealousy will know no bounds.
Own polygamy. Men are hunters, conquerors, winners, women are nuns, guardians, faithful companions. But in society this position has long become shaky, and men, realizing this, become real alarmists. They tend to try all situations on their family, which sometimes makes life unbearable.
The desire to manipulate your spouse. Everything is simple here - a man has not received affection or care from his chosen one for a long time, so a secret weapon called “jealousy” is used. It allows a woman to perk up, prove her love, and give the necessary tenderness. Usually this is done by the fair sex, but it is also inherent in men.
Psychological trauma. Fear of loneliness, unhealthy atmosphere in the internal picture of the family, lack of friends, humiliation of peers, etc. You ask, what does jealousy have to do with it? Such psychological traumas lead to the fear of losing the existing relationship, and, as a result, constant distrust of the partner. The guy in this case is jealous of the woman towards everyone: a friend, a salesman, a taxi driver, etc. Such men can be called deeply unhappy people.
The woman has already cheated once. Such an unpleasant aftertaste never leaves a man’s memory! Therefore, do not be surprised when he turns from a “darling” into an annoying partner who wants to know and control everything that happens.
Ownership feeling. Differs from a despot in the absence of aggression. Usually it is difficult to drag such a man into a noisy company; he criticizes all sorts of attempts by his woman to prettify and dress up. “Who are you wearing lace lingerie for? Not good for yourself – only for me!”
Despotism. Here, jealousy has nothing to do with mistrust; the partner simply likes authoritarianism. Orders must be followed unquestioningly - no red lipstick, male friends, or skirts in the wardrobe. The logic of a despotic jealous man sounds like this: if a woman refuses to carry out an order, it means that she has already found someone else.
Copying parent relationships. This is the case when one of the parents cheated on the other (it doesn’t matter who), and the other knew about it and suffered. A man lives according to this scenario because he is programmed for it.
Mental disorders. A man is completely involved in his delusional ideas, where he is sure to be cheated on. This can be a harbinger or accompanying symptom of schizophrenia and other mental illnesses.

As you can see, dear women, there are many reasons for male jealousy. But if you can determine the origins of this insidious feeling, it will be much easier for you to deal with it!

If you cannot determine the cause of jealousy that is destroying your relationship, consult a psychologist. If love reigns between people, there should be no talk of any shame. Let your family find the harmony and mutual understanding that you so lack!

What to do: recommendations from experts

If your chosen one is faced with a guy's jealousy towards a girl , you first need to establish the cause of the feeling. Only when it is identified can you choose the right way to solve the problem. It is also worth listening to the advice of psychologists who tell you what to do if a guy is jealous.

Intimate talk

The first thing a young lady should do is talk openly with her lover. However, you should not immediately hope for success, because the young man may not understand the impulse, or give up the habit of controlling the communication and environment of his passion. What should I do? In this case, experts give some advice:

Start with yourself . You need to try and explain to the guy that vain jealousy causes unpleasant sensations, depresses, and ruins life. She must try to prove that loyalty is her constant quality, and that other young people are not of interest.
Help your chosen one understand himself. It is necessary to bring the young man to a frank conversation, listening to how he is afraid of losing his soulmate, and precisely for this reason he controls the girl’s social circle.
Raise self-esteem. To do this, you need to say pleasant words to your chosen one every day: “you are so brutal to me,” “you are the most attractive man in the world,” and other compliments.
Talk about the future . This could be conversations about a wedding, vacation, names of future children. Such conversations will help the chosen one understand that the young lady’s intentions are serious, she wants to build strong and lasting relationships.
Talk about your activities in your free time when the girl is alone. This way, the guy won’t have to ask questions, learning about what the chosen one did when he wasn’t around. In addition, frank conversations will help not only avoid feelings of jealousy, but also make relationships closer and stronger.
Find out if the young man is cheating. Very often people who are prone to cheating burn with jealousy. That is why they project these thoughts onto their significant other. Use the LoveReport online service and check the young man’s profile on social networks. By analyzing your significant other’s Instagram account, you will find out who he communicates with, who comments and likes his posts the most, and with whom he interacts.
Set restrictions. If a guy's jealousy towards a girl causes a lot of trouble, depresses him, and makes life unbearable, it is worth saying that this will lead to a break in the relationship. Sometimes such words sober up guys and make them think about their behavior.

If a guy is very jealous , then first of all it is necessary to explain that suspicions are vain and groundless. Of course, conversations can take a lot of time, especially if the chosen one is not inclined to be frank and takes any conversations with hostility. If the situation worsens, you may need the help of a qualified specialist - a home psychologist.

Expert advice

What to do if conversations and exhortations are not crowned with success, and the chosen one continues to flare with jealousy? In this case, you can use several recommendations from experts. Thus, psychologists say that you can help solve the problem by eliminating irritating factors that become the cause of unmotivated jealousy.

Stop communicating with the opposite sex for a while. This will help you find out who exactly the chosen one is jealous of. Even if the social circle consists of long-time friends, this can act as a trigger that irritates the other half. In this case, the young man may feel competition from school friends, fearing that he will lose his chosen one. On the one hand, he is even right in some ways, because as practice shows, most often a girl cheats with a person whom she has known for a long time.
Review your wardrobe. If a young lady’s favorite clothes are sexy outfits, for example, tight dresses, miniskirts, shorts that leave little to the imagination, it’s worth changing the style. Fashion designers offer many original closed-type items in which a girl will remain beautiful and not become a puritan or a prude. Especially now, when oversized clothing, sports outfits, massive sneakers and sneakers are in trend. To choose an interesting look, just study fashion trends and choose an outfit that will highlight your assets without looking overly sexy.
Answer calls. If the situation allows, you should try to always pick up the phone when your lover calls. It is also important to check in with him or her yourself periodically.
Pay a lot of attention. You need to take your guy to meetings with friends, parties and other events. After all, jealousy can be caused by the fact that a young man feels deprived of attention. In addition, this way the man will know that his beloved is not up to no good, and a meeting with friends is really a meeting with friends. At the same time, while in company, the young lady should not forget about her chosen one: more smiles, playful glances, touches.
A reminder of personal principles. Some guys, when asked about the reasons for jealousy, say that their previous girlfriend cheated, so he doubts his new lover. In this case, it must be emphasized that these relationships are not the same, and the other half does not want to be responsible for the actions of the previous chosen one. A girl should not suffer because of her lover's bad experience!
Cohabitation. A conversation about living together will prove that the young lady is committed to a serious and long-term relationship. In addition, this way the young man will always know that his chosen one is at home and spends the night in his bed.
Mirror relation . If a girl remains faithful, you can try to mirror the behavior of your chosen one. Sometimes a person does not understand how unpleasant his behavior looks from the outside. Psychologists advise repeating the words and actions of the chosen one so that he can see it.
"Spy Games" Perhaps the reason for jealousy lies in the betrayal of the chosen one. To find out about this, you can follow the young man: find out who he communicates with and meets. If a guy exposed a “spy,” we can say that the young lady shows his behavior, trying to prove how ridiculous it looks.
Visit to a specialist. If a girl knows about her chosen one’s childhood traumas, grievances or bitter personal experiences, you can convince the guy to visit a psychologist. An experienced specialist will help raise self-esteem and solve the problem of former unsuccessful relationships.
Complete break. If constant suspicions and unfounded jealousy have begun to cause a lot of trouble, you should pluck up courage and put an end to the relationship. The chosen one, who from a sweet, trembling lover has turned into a nervous tyrant and abuser, is not able to surround the girl with attention, care, and will not give a feeling of peace and happiness. This is a difficult step, and not everyone is ready to take it. But psychologists say that a complete break can be a real blessing: if a guy controls, invades his privacy, dictates his own rules, what will he do when he becomes a spouse?

What to do with jealousy?

It's time to move on to the most important part of our guide. In it we will figure out how to stop being jealous of your wife or girlfriend and improve your relationship. The recommendations given were borrowed from Robert Leahy, a doctor of psychology and professor at Yale University.

M+F “You’re a cuckold, Bonacieux”: the laws of male jealousy from Mikhail Labkovsky

Is jealousy always not the norm?

Photo by RODNAE Productions: Pexels
Jealousy can be objective or biased. In fact, objective jealousy is quite common, and although jealousy has a negative connotation in society, objective jealousy is normal. We learn to be jealous from childhood, when we are deprived of attention and love.

We are jealous, thereby trying to defend our, albeit selfish, but legitimate right to be loved. At the same time, the other person who is jealous is even pleased that the partner defends this right. By doing so, we confirm our value to our partner.

In a trusting, strong relationship, jealousy becomes part of the game, fueling interest in each other.

But jealousy can also be unfounded. However, before talking about unreasonable jealousy, it should be noted that between justified and unjustified jealousy there is another type, we can call it borderline.

Why are we jealous?

Before we understand ways to overcome this feeling, we need to understand why we succumb to jealousy in the first place. To do this, we present the opinion of the American psychologist Seth Meyers, who has written more than one work on family psychology.

Manic jealousy

Killed by someone's jealous husband...

Unfortunately, there are also pathological jealous people. If your partner is jealous of absolutely every member of the same sex, controls your every move, forbids you to wear clothes that seem overly provocative to him, and even raises his hands at you, then most likely this is a case where the situation cannot be corrected.

There is no point in this if you want a relationship based on equality of the parties and do not want to constantly feel like a victim and justify your actions every day. If putting into practice the advice of a psychologist and visiting a specialist did not help, then it makes sense to end the painful relationship, because such a man’s behavior can be dangerous for you.

Reasons for jealousy

According to psychologists, those who are most often jealous are those who are not confident in themselves and who have low self-esteem. It always seems to them that there is someone better who can captivate their passion. In such a state, there is a great fear of losing respect among friends and colleagues.
Constant control of your partner. The person has a highly developed sense of possessiveness. The desire to dominate develops into despotism, which interferes with harmonious relationships in a couple. According to psychologists, a feeling of distrust of people is cultivated from childhood.
Strong attachment and fear of losing a loved one can develop into paranoia and negatively affect relationships.
Imagining a loved one in the arms of a rival, fantasies, guesses, and inventing betrayals on the part of the girl.
You began to notice that the girl was flirting with others, texting with someone, answering phone calls while going to another room, and spending her free time without you.

What needs to be done and how to calm a jealous husband?

I want to say right away that this will not be easy. But if you began to understand this issue and decided to take action regarding his mistrust, then you have a great chance of achieving success. So, let's now look at the ways in which we can calm down a jealous man.

No need to defend yourself or make excuses

When a husband's jealousy gets out of control, a woman wants to rebuff him. But it will look like you are defending yourself and justifying your own behavior. This will not help you in this situation. Therefore, do not let your feelings and emotions overcome you. Try to be calm and control yourself.

Have an open conversation with him

One of the most effective ways to calm a jealous husband is to have sincere conversations with him. Try to talk frankly with your husband and find out why he is jealous and suspects you of something that you didn’t even do. Let him express himself and explain his point of view on a particular situation. Try in conversation to bring him to the understanding that his jealousy is unfounded. And even if he says that he loves you very much and worries when you are not around, then try to explain that he has nothing to worry about. Because you are a faithful woman and do not give him reasons for jealousy.

Open communication with a jealous husband is also a sign of your love. This means that you are not ready or willing to give it up. Even despite his wrong behavior. And, although situations may arise between you that will be unfair to you, you need to hold on and not be influenced by negative emotions.