How to save a marriage on the verge of divorce: what to do if there is a breakdown in the family to save the relationship, how to save the union if the partner wants to leave, advice on psychology

A successful tandem of a man and a woman is one of the most important goals in the life together of most people.
Especially when it seems that everything is serious: there are certain plans, sincere desires to be together always.

But mutual ambitions, inability to hear each other and many other circumstances can prevent even a harmonious and loving couple from building a happy union.

In this case, it is necessary to admit in time: the relationship needs to be saved, and this is daily and difficult work for both men and women. Let's take a closer look at how to save a relationship, a marriage on the verge of divorce.

Signs of discord in a relationship

The main signs that a tandem is on the verge of breaking:

insincerity, concealment of details, lack of trust, desire to isolate oneself from a partner with a wall of personal space;
a feeling of distance from each other, giving rise to lies and hypocrisy;
lack of passion in the intimate sphere, reluctance to physical intimacy and sensual contacts;
frequent quarrels, disagreements with all the ensuing consequences - from unpleasant words in calm tones to breaking dishes in angry outbursts;
reluctance to be one whole, the desire for independence and loneliness - not just for a day, but in the long term;
regular rivalry, desire for leadership in the union;
neglect of the feelings of a loved one, disrespect for his feelings and interests, lack of understanding in basic matters.

How to save a family if the husband has grown cold?

Ladies have learned to be forgiving of some shortcomings, such as scattered socks, an unscrewed tube of toothpaste, and an unopened toilet seat. It's a completely different matter when it comes to intimate relationships. If your spouse is cold towards you, as they say, you need to ring all the bells. And let's start with ourselves. Take a short excursion into the past, remember the days when everything was fine. Analyze what has changed since then. And start taking action.

How to save a marriage, advice from a psychologist to wives will help you find the answer:

learn to smile, do it sincerely, enjoy even the little things;
unobtrusively ask how your spouse’s day went (just don’t interrogate);
thank you for any kind of attention and help;
ask for help, make it clear that you need it;
always watch your appearance, because even if you go to the store, put yourself in order, do not make an exception at home, for your spouse you should be the most attractive;
let your husband be alone, take the children and go to your parents for a week;
get involved in a common cause. As the cartoon cat Matroskin said: “...joint work, for my benefit, brings us together”;
involve your husband in various activities related to your children;
try to surprise your spouse, do something unusual for you. If you used to cry quietly in a corner, start a scandal, maybe by breaking dishes. If you can’t stand football, buy a couple of cans of beer, a vuvuzela and sit down next to your beloved on the sofa.

To save the family, you will have to mobilize all your best qualities, but you must not forget that working with relationships is a constant process that lasts a lifetime.

What to do before taking action?

Before starting an operation to save a relationship, you need to:

Find out from your partner the reasons why you wanted to leave . Admit to yourself that not everything is so smooth and do not try to manipulate, encouraging you to be with you against the wishes of your loved one.
Take a break, don’t force your communication right away . Cut off contact at least until there is a real chance to fix everything.
Ask for help - a close friend or a specialist . Any person who will help to adequately analyze the situation, understand it, overcome difficulties and, finally, start a new life.
Turn the emerging hole in your personal life into new opportunities - learn something new, go on a trip, etc. Remember that life goes on and does not end with the end of a relationship.

Why do people get divorced?

Any psychologist will tell you that ideal family relationships cannot exist a priori. Two people who spend a lot of time together cannot avoid quarrels, insults or disputes, even if they love each other. Sometimes crises happen, and it is necessary to understand how to save the family from divorce in such cases.

It is more important not to save your marriage, but to prevent the events that precede separation. To understand how to avoid divorce, you need to understand why it is approaching.

According to statistics, couples in Russia break up most often for the following reasons:

Alcoholism. Many people suffer from a passion for alcoholic beverages, but not everyone is ready to tolerate their partner’s alcoholism. Often spouses separate immediately after the first relapse of the disease, without trying to change the situation.
Poverty. Family relationships require large investments, the need for which is increasing. This is connected with the housing issue, the birth of a child, and the possibilities of the family. Preventing problems is difficult. Due to lack of finances, wives most often leave the family.
Treason. Infidelity between spouses can be associated with many troubles in family life: scandals, lack of attention and intimacy. If one spouse has left for another person, then it is not worth maintaining such a relationship; dissuading him from getting a divorce after such a betrayal is not the best way out of the situation.

If the cause of the conflict is everyday life, then couples usually endure such troubles, after quarrels they prefer to make peace and family relationships continue. But such spouses are looking for a reason to leave, so it is important to understand what to do and how to save the family from divorce if one of the couple has been thinking about it for a long time. Relationships can be affected by relatives, problems with having children, illness (of spouses, children). And in such cases, many do not understand how to save a marriage and make peace, because they do not see a solution to these problems.

Often, after having children, the passion fades. Financial problems, fatigue and lack of sleep begin. Because of this, some may want to run away immediately after having children. It is possible to survive such a crisis, relationships can be restored. The main thing is to understand that after the birth of a child you are considered a full-fledged family, and all troubles can be corrected.

Not all spouses need to be given a second chance—in many cases, divorce is inevitable. But if a husband loves his wife, and she loves him, then the relationship needs to be preserved. Feelings cannot be allowed to suffer because of minor troubles, and if they exist, then both in the couple will have a desire to improve.

After the birth of a child, a lot changes in the family, and a crisis may occur. Not all spouses experience it; many give up. Preserving the relationship is necessary for the child: after his parents divorce, his life will not change for the better. At the same time, it should not be the only reason why spouses are together. Many people say: “I don’t want to divorce my wife because of the children, otherwise I would have left long ago.”

Such relationships can, over time, lead to unhappiness, aggression, and even domestic violence. And for a child, such a family will be a worse option than divorced parents.

What to do if the other half wants to break up?

Let's try to figure out what is special about active actions for both sexes.

To a woman

The main tips are:

The main tool for resolving any disagreements is an honest conversation.
It is necessary to prepare for honest revelations - this is the only way the desired results will appear.
Read also: Retrocerebellar cyst of the brain: what is dangerous and what not to do?
Here's what you need to understand:
1. What do we think is not working in a relationship and how does it manifest itself?
How does personal character and behavior influence this?
How does the character and behavior of a loved one influence this?
What exactly is the most difficult thing to accept in your case?
What concessions are you willing to make to prevent separation from happening?
Why do you want to improve family (partnership) relationships?
What effects do you expect to see and feel?
By preparing honest answers to the above questions, you will be able to provide a basis for a conversation in which it will be easier to control your emotions and express your feelings.
If you notice that in your relationship with a guy something has ceased to work out, and “everything is not the same as it was before,” you definitely need to make contact, but always taking into account the desired method of communication. Men usually expect a problem to be presented to them clearly and legibly so that a concrete solution can then be found.

To a man

The main advice of a psychologist:

It is easier for women to talk about their feelings and show them, including negative ones. If you often quarrel, hear numerous accusations from your chosen one, and you get the impression that the conflict is growing, taking the initiative and offering to talk will definitely be appreciated by a woman’s heart.
Try to show closeness, tenderness and understanding to her. Keep in mind that in addition to solving your problems, it may be very important for her to let go of accumulated emotions and receive support from you.
Announce specific changes, because non-empty promises are an important guarantee for her. When telling her your expectations, emphasize what you value and like about her. If a conversation becomes dangerously tense, break it off and return to it later.

I feel guilty before my husband - what to do?

If you could not restrain yourself and accused your husband unreasonably, if you acted unkindly towards your spouse or lied to him, and the deception was revealed, then you are faced with the acute question of “how to improve your relationship with your husband”?

The search for options leads either to sincere repentance or to female cunning. The first option is much more humane and honest for both parties to the quarrel. Simply because “sorry” has magical powers, and it is much stronger than far-fetched apologies, confused explanations and outright lies.

However, you need to be able to ask for forgiveness. If you are really guilty, in order to improve your relationship with your husband, you should admit your mistakes and sort out point by point what you are wrong about. You should not give deliberately false excuses and swear, as well as promise something that you cannot fulfill. If you are really guilty, then you should not follow up the apology by talking about why you did what you did.

Just imagine: how stupid an excuse after an apology will look if the cause of the quarrel was your betrayal. Do not try to find beautiful words and arguments that you were drunk and did not control yourself.

Because the next time you return from a corporate party not quite sober, your spouse’s subconscious will not work in your favor. And as soon as he remembers your previous conversation, he will never believe that at a party while intoxicated, you restrained yourself and did not repeat your offense of cheating.

What should not be done to protect the union?

So, what not to do:

Take action and don’t put off dotting the i’s for a long time.
Try not to beat around the bush and pretend nothing is happening.
Don't use empty words - use exactly those examples that best illustrate true feelings.
Don't attack, but communicate and demonstrate your willingness to work on your relationship.
Avoid arguments and keep the conversation going in a way that makes both of you feel at ease and that external environmental factors do not cause disturbance.
Remove the high-pitched tone and pretension in your intonation: the more specific and gentle you are, the more likely your partner will be to work with you, inspired by the common goal of preserving the relationship.

Stages of relationship restoration

Important! Try not to demand your spouse to stay at first, but simply dissuade him from submitting documents before you personally resolve the conflict.

Deal with conflicts. Take the situation apart, understand why your spouse left and explain. You need to give your spouse the opportunity to speak out and explain himself.
Understand why you need marriage. Discuss this, imagine a family in the future, understand, first of all, for yourself why this relationship is needed. If necessary, you need to give yourself and your spouse time to think about the future.
Everyone starts with themselves. If you know why your spouse left, then try to prevent the situation from repeating in the future. If the problem is serious, then a good psychologist can help solve it.
Bring positivity into life. Say nice things, go for walks, try to do something together. Make your partner's wishes come true - go on vacation wherever your spouse wants, celebrate his birthday on a grand scale, prepare special dishes, buy your favorite perfume.

Consequences of keeping a family on the verge of breaking up

In the further preservation of a relationship on the verge of divorce, much depends on what were the reasons for the failed separation. Understanding them, in fact, is the key to adopting the right strategy to restore the former union.

Problems that can arise include a lack of trust and one party being too involved. Remember that mistrust, excessive control and conflict are the first steps to betrayal, which usually begins with you telling the other person about it.

On the other hand, if you see that your partner is less interested than you in maintaining the tandem, perhaps you should admit to yourself that further “cooperation” does not make sense .

Reasons that keep people together

Often unhappy couples continue their relationship and are constantly on the verge of breaking up. What are the reasons for this behavior:

they do not see more attractive options for themselves with other partners;
a lot of time and effort was invested in this relationship, so it’s a pity to ruin it;
people are actually satisfied with the relationships they have.

Psychologist's advice: how to improve relationships

Photo from the site: life-reactor.com

If the problem really exists and you need help, you should definitely consider the advice of a psychologist on how to restore your relationship with your husband on the verge of divorce. An experienced specialist will definitely help resolve almost any problem without driving you and your partner into even greater disappointment and discord. After all, it’s so easy to destroy a family, but building a strong, unbreakable marriage is much more difficult. In order not to subsequently suffer from emotional trauma, not to regret what was lost and not to deprive children of their father’s care and guardianship, you will have to make an effort.

Take off your rose-colored glasses!

To begin with, if you really want to restore your relationship with your husband on the verge of divorce, you should look at things sensibly from the very beginning. Often, disappointment befalls a woman immediately after starting life together. With surprise and incomprehension, she suddenly discovers that her incredible hero, it turns out, never flushes the washbasin after shaving, scatters stale socks throughout the apartment, and heard about the fact that he has to take out the trash for the first time in his life. This happens because when she is in love, a woman cannot adequately evaluate her partner; she sees only images drawn by her own consciousness and subconscious.

Photo from website: HeaClub.ru

So, when getting married, you shouldn’t initially think that someone can be as perfect as you think. Give your spouse free space in which he can be who he really is. You should not compare him with other men, for example, with the husbands of friends, relatives, acquaintances, because you only see the outside, and there is also one that remains behind the closed door. You just shouldn’t wait longer than possible; it makes sense to appreciate what you have, and not chase after mythical “princes on white horses.”

Solve emotional problems immediately

Psycho-emotional problems of a person can appear for the most unexpected reasons. Overwork and conflicts with colleagues, as well as superiors at work, thyroid pathologies, some kind of hormonal imbalance, chronic prolonged stress, problems in raising children and relationships with relatives. Often, all this can lead to depressive disorder in men, which can be difficult to cope with without outside help.

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If you notice emotional breakdowns, frequent depression, unmotivated and uncontrollable outbursts of aggression, your spouse may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You should not swear and make scenes, at this time you should show a hundred times more tact, understanding and love, then the marriage may be able to be saved by bringing your partner to his senses and giving him a chance to start all over again, with the understanding that you are in everyone support him, share his feelings and fears.

Who's the eldest here?

If from the very beginning you built relationships in the wrong way, and the roles were not distributed correctly, then over time, the dissatisfaction of one of the partners, or it may happen that both of them, will gradually mature and increase until it reaches a “critical mass.” ”, which simply cannot help but explode. What to do if the relationship with her husband is on the verge of divorce is aggravated by the woman’s desire to take on male responsibilities, as well as make decisions on any matter independently.

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Over time, such actions by the wife become more and more widespread, and the wife herself begins to think that the man does not want to take responsibility, although there is no fault on his part. It makes sense to distribute responsibilities evenly and bear responsibility together. In addition, keep in mind that no one owes anyone anything, because slavery was abolished several centuries ago.

Therefore, it is worth learning to ask a man for something, and not demand in a commanding tone. He himself wants to always be useful and necessary to his chosen one, but it is not worth taking the palm away from him. A man makes decisions, and a woman gently and unobtrusively directs him in the direction she sees fit. Here is a true model that the happiest marriages can be proud of.

We listen and hear everything that they tell us

Any psychologist, when answering how to improve relations with a husband on the verge of divorce, will first of all note complete mutual understanding. People who cannot find a common language are unlikely to be able to get along not only in marriage, but in general, in the same room. Therefore, if you don’t want or don’t know how, or for some wild and incredible reasons, you can’t enter into dialogue, then saving the marriage is absolutely useless. Then everyone will talk about how hard and sad it is for him, and the other will just shrug his shoulders indifferently.

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Often, psycho-emotional problems are associated with the fact that after marriage, as well as the birth of children, a woman sharply loses her social status, turning from a successful business woman, for example, into an ordinary housewife in curlers and a robe. But you shouldn’t blame everything on the man; he may not fully feel the same as his wife, but there is no guilt on him either. Involve grandmothers and friends in your upbringing, hire a nanny, then you will immediately notice how much easier it has become to communicate with your spouse, he no longer seems like someone who runs away from problems in the morning without even having time to drink coffee.

Always making compromises is the key to a happy life

The desire to always lead, manage, decide, order in everything can lead to the most disastrous consequences, because a man’s self-esteem will not be able to come to terms with such an arrangement of roles. He may agree and remain silent for quite a long time, intending to preserve the relationship that is dear to him, or he may take up arms, rising to a defensive position. Confrontation of this kind will most likely lead to divorce, so you should learn to make concessions and compromises.

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Naturally, change cannot be forced, and no one will want to. But if the marriage is really important, and you do not want to ruin it, then you will have to force yourself to make a decision together, especially since there is nothing humiliating about it. Moreover, the search for mutual solutions that are true for both parties must also be mutual, the man must see that he is taken into account, his words, thoughts and wishes are taken into account.

How to deal with betrayal?

The worst thing that can happen between spouses, which leads to divorce, is betrayal and betrayal, destructive and deafening, often falling out of the blue. So what should you do if your relationship with your husband is on the verge of divorce precisely for this reason, if a third person comes between two close and loving people? No matter who is the culprit, husband or wife, in any case, treason is the fault of both, no matter who says what. Constant quarrels and swearing, lack of regular sex life, nagging and jealousy, with or without reason, all this can push a partner into someone else's arms. Therefore, part of the blame is shifted to the side that suffered.

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There is no consensus on whether to forgive a man for betrayal, or to leave wherever he looks, hoping to build a new relationship. Only the woman herself can decide this issue for herself. If the spouse realizes the depth of his own action, the degree of pain caused, and also repents of what happened, this is a fairly good sign. Circumstances could really have turned out in such a way that he could not have done otherwise, or at that moment he thought so. But forgiving easily and immediately is also not a solution, since this may entail new offenses and a series of mistresses who will laugh at your back.

What relationships don't make sense to preserve?

Unfortunately, there are also situations when an attempt to save a partnership or marriage is doomed to failure. If all your dreams of a wonderful and bright future together are crumbling in a series of delusions, you should not put off the final breakup for a long time. You need to be able to say goodbye to a person forever in time.

This should be done without hesitation in cases where the other party:

subject to bad habits and addictions;
often uses physical and moral violence, exerts psychological pressure;
refuses to take on responsibilities, such as working and providing for a child, or parenting;
regularly has sexual relations on the side.

Strengthening relationships with your spouse: methodology

After the main problems with the wife are resolved, the relationship needs to be strengthened. In order to do this, you need to understand the mental type to which your wife belongs.

Psychologist Harry Chapman identifies five such types. For each of them you need to use your own “love language”, close and understandable to this particular type of people. He identifies the following “love languages”:

Words of encouragement;
Time;
Present;
Help;
Touching.

Moreover, the author himself considers his advice to be universal, suitable for any interpersonal relationship.

To understand exactly what love language your wife speaks, Harry Chapman recommends observing her, what she likes and what she wants from you. If you cannot clearly determine her psychotype, answer the following questions:

What delighted your wife at the very beginning of the relationship?
When she wants to please you, what does she do?
What behavior of yours offends her?
How does she describe an ideal husband?
What childhood memories bring your wife the greatest joy?
What quotes does she give as examples when talking about love and family relationships?
What gift would she choose for herself?
What behavior of yours pleases her the most?
What does she do if she wants to make friends with a person?

After answering these questions, choose the field of activity to which most of the answers relate, and you will find out your wife’s “love language”.

Psycho-emotional background

Every person has character traits that attract the opposite sex

Another important point for normal family relationships is the emotional background. Sooner or later, one in a couple begins to doubt that the partner’s feelings are mutual. This happens due to the different attractive powers of people.

Most often, an individual knows about his strengths and tries to flaunt them, masking the less attractive ones. For example, a stingy man may be generous while courting a lady in order to attract her.

If family relationships are built on the principle of equal strength of attraction, then everything is fine. If there is an imbalance, then the marriage is doomed. As long as a man and a woman are in love, and harmony reigns in the couple, people are similar both externally and internally.

In the absence of similar qualities, the attractive force is filled with something else. But it also happens that you really want to save the marriage, but the emotions are no longer the same, the passion has faded. How should a woman behave in this case? Psychologists advise the following:

Talk to your spouse, try to be as open and frank as possible. Of course, there is no need to tell any secrets that were previously kept secret, but a certain openness will not hurt. This will help you understand each other better
Think about how you would like to build a relationship with your husband in the future. Discuss this with him
Common goals and interests help in family life
Don't try to change your husband, accept him for who he is. Consider his opinion and desires.
If you see that your husband is trying and changing for the better, then do not forget to praise him. For example, the spouse has never washed the dishes, but now he does it. Praise him, he will appreciate it and will receive an incentive for further improvement
Don’t invent unnecessary problems, solve only those that appear.
Try to resolve conflicts peacefully, make compromises, be gentler.
Learn to listen and hear your husband.
Try to look good to make your husband proud of you. Even if you have three children, this is not a reason to wear dirty clothes.
Don't punish your spouse by not having sex. Ultimatum “If you don’t buy a fur coat, there will be no sex!” will not improve family life.
Learn to apologize. If you lost your temper and yelled at your husband because of your bad mood, then come up and apologize.

Quarrels and conflicts happen in almost every family

In order not to lead the situation to divorce and save the marriage, it is important that two people want this and work on themselves. If the initiative to save the family comes from a woman, then she should think about whether she is doing everything right

Only patience, mutual respect and love will help restore harmony to the family.

If you are not sure whether you want to live with this man, then do a simple test.

Imagine that your spouse has disappeared, he is not there, you cannot talk to him, call him, touch him. What do you feel? If you are frightened by the complete absence of your husband in your life, then do not let him go, make every effort to save the family. Tell your spouse about your feelings and emotions, about your love. He will appreciate it. Good luck!

What to fight for ↑

Every couple experiences family crises. For some, the reason for thinking about divorce is the eternal dissatisfaction of the husband/wife, for others it is betrayal, for others it is lack of attention, etc.

The most important thing for you now is to clearly identify the cause of your “collision” and analyze the situation.

What was your relationship like before this? Surprisingly good? Such that you did not doubt the reliability of your marriage? Was there love, a spark between you? If you have something pleasant to remember, then perhaps you just need to endure it and not stop fighting for your mate.

Important! Keeping a family together is a constant job. It’s not that lovers got to know each other from all sides only in the first year, and then everything goes on as usual. In any relationship there are quarrels, disagreements, jealousy and other problems that may seem global to you.
If you are sure that your friends do not have this, then take into account the fact that they simply do not want to wash dirty linen in public and flaunt their scandals and dissatisfaction with each other. That is, you are not alone in this regard. And first of all, stop feeling sorry for yourself, look at the situation from the outside.

So, if you are determined, let's move on!

What not to do

All efforts aimed at avoiding a divorce from his wife and protecting his family can be annulled by mistakes made in the process. If the husband wants to save the family, you should not shift responsibility for problems in the marriage only to him. It’s the same with a spouse—in an unhappy marriage, there is no one person to blame, both partners are responsible. There are other mistakes that can provoke a deterioration in relationships and speed up divorce:

silencing complaints, unwillingness to speak openly about them;
unwillingness to give in or compromise;
mutual reproaches and complaints instead of a constructive search for solutions to problems;
reluctance to take the initiative in reconciliation.

Relationships cannot always be restored. You need to be able to understand when everything is over and stop in time, without wasting your emotional resources on futile attempts.