Self-criticism: a disease that needs to be treated ⇒ Blog of Yaroslav Samoilov

Self-criticism is familiar to many people firsthand.
All the time mentally return to your mistakes and failures, doubt whether you did something in vain or not in vain, and blame, blame, blame yourself for all the sins of the world. Or, conversely, go deeper into self-examination and look for excuses for yourself in any situation. It seems like a kind of masochism, doesn't it? But from the inside, self-criticism is perceived as natural and approved behavior: if you reproach yourself, it means that you are quite critical of yourself and in general are a highly moral and conscientious person. However, there is a huge difference between healthy reflection and painful self-criticism. From this article you will learn:

What are the reasons for self-criticism
What are the signs of self-criticism?
What are the dangers of self-flagellation?
How to get rid of self-criticism

How psychology defines self-criticism

Many people associate self-criticism with self-flagellation, self-humiliation and other similar states, when our attention (with a minus sign) is directed to our own personality. This is experienced as a bouquet of unpleasant feelings - dissatisfaction with oneself up to hatred, fear, anxiety, anger, pain, the desire to torment oneself, the inability to let go of the situation.

Psychologists give self-criticism a clearer definition: it is a negatively colored self-analysis from the position of disapproval of one’s own words, actions and thoughts, which quickly develops into dissatisfaction with one’s personality as a whole.

Adequate self-criticism differs from it, firstly, in its constructive component (searching for cause-and-effect relationships between actions and results, drawing conclusions from what happened), and secondly, in less emotional intensity, which can lead to destructive consequences. Self-criticism quickly develops into a bad habit and takes root in the personality, distorting self-esteem, perception of oneself and the surrounding reality. Self-criticism consumes so many internal resources that it would be quite correct to compare it with eating oneself from the inside.

In especially severe cases, a person stuck in a state of self-criticism begins to blame himself... for this self-criticism. The circle closes.

The cause of self-criticism is any mistake or its repetition. She seems very critical and fateful, and if a person needs to consider himself ideal and correct, then every little thing destroys this image. And, of course, he begins to scold himself for his misconduct or failure, considers himself a mistake of nature and a real monster, and swears to never do anything like that again. If this is followed by another mistake (and sometimes the same one), the self-criticism intensifies by an order of magnitude: the person hates himself more and more and demands more and more unattainable perfection, leaving himself no right to make a mistake.

Self-criticism is not harmless: it leads to psychoses and neuroses, sometimes to self-harm or suicide. But even if it doesn’t come to such radical measures, life still rolls down an inclined plane, giving more and more reasons for self-flagellation. In this state, it is easy to succumb to drug addiction or alcoholism, and to worsen psychosomatic diseases caused by negative emotions. It happens that doctors cannot even determine the cause of a serious illness, which resulted from a long-term habit of self-criticism.

Of course, these are extremes. But self-flagellation in any case is incompatible with a high quality of life. The Samoyed lacks the resources for development, change and the pursuit of happiness. At best, it does not degrade, but freezes in a state of habitual discomfort. Such people usually live a dull, joyless life for years, working in an unloved, low-paid job.

Artificial Thought Flow Technique

A great way to direct your thoughts in the right direction is to create an artificial mental flow. Simply put, start talking to yourself. Stop, you say. This is crazy. No. You can talk to yourself. And thinking is always expressed in speech. The only exception is visual-figurative thinking, characteristic of infancy. In all other age groups, all thoughts are expressed in speech.

So, if you know how to speak, it means you can direct your thoughts in the right direction. Self-flagellation already implies a dialogue with the unloved one. Just change the subject of the conversation, talk about how good everything is, and everything will become much better. Thinking positively can be daunting at first. This is fine. You are used to a bad way of thinking, and it is not easy to change it. But if you think positively for 21 days, a habit will form, and it will be easier in the future.

Main types of self-criticism

Self-criticism and self-flagellation can be divided into several types:

Demonstrative self-criticism.
Self-criticism here is only an external, formal side: a person is demonstratively upset about the mistakes he has made, extorting other people’s attention, sympathy and, possibly, forgiveness, but in reality he is not particularly tormented. In some cultures, such a psychological game is considered an attribute of spiritual aristocracy, sophistication and high morality, so they willingly indulge in it, making it part of the image and way of life.
Introverted self-criticism.
But here, on the contrary, the whole drama unfolds within the individual, without spilling out. An introverted Samoyed does not work in public, although he is afraid to be alone with himself. He sincerely and passionately reproaches himself for everything he has done and not done, looking for new reasons for self-accusation and maintaining his usual melancholy state. Every mistake is dramatized, self-love is always lacking, and a person gets stuck in a cycle of difficult thoughts and feelings.
Neurotic self-criticism.
This is active self-criticism that has turned into a life strategy and determines a person’s key choices. Self-deprecation and spiritual masochism become the only possible motivator. It is extremely difficult to see for yourself the limitations of such a worldview.

Self-criticism as a way to increase one’s importance in society

Weak people use conspicuous self-destruction to increase their sense of self-worth. A person constantly repeats phrases like “I’m not worthy,” “I’m too weak for this,” “I’m not good for anything.” In these empty words, he seeks the support and support of others. He expects those around him to refute these assumptions.

A sense of self-importance can manifest itself through excessive modesty as a type of demonstrative self-criticism. Even after doing something well and hearing praise addressed to him, a person says: “What are you talking about, I didn’t do anything.” Mentally he thinks: “Praise me again.”

People rarely want to get rid of ostentatious self-flagellation. This is beneficial for them. People around him consider such a person modest, and the manipulator increases his sense of self-worth.

Reasons for self-criticism: the psychology of self-flagellation

Hypertrophied public self-criticism for selfish purposes (to obtain justification, consolation, or even support) - this is how some psychologists define the phenomenon of self-criticism. It is believed that if a person loudly and graphically expresses dissatisfaction with himself and anger towards himself, then he sincerely repents of what he has done. And the higher the degree of emotional stress, the better. However, true insight, as a rule, is not demonstrative: it is just an awareness of one’s action and responsibility for it, which is accompanied by conclusions and a plan to correct the situation. As a result of insight, the strengths of the individual and the willingness to overcome their shortcomings are mobilized.

A hysterical-manipulative style of behavior is reinforced if in childhood a person does not receive enough love and care and does not learn to take care of and support himself. As a result of early psychological trauma, the “love - pain” connection may become entrenched, and then he is no longer able to imagine other, safe options for intimacy.

For example, if a child was beaten in childhood for misdeeds, explaining this with concern for his moral character, or constantly brought to tears by criticism and only then given a little affection. A young man or girl who grew up in a toxic family internalizes the parental model of communication and carries it further throughout life, often reproducing it with their own spouses and children.

Self-criticism is a synonym for self-flagellation, which, in turn, has a very specific meaning: causing oneself physical harm and causing pain as a way of punishing oneself for wrongdoing. Masochism and self-harm are indeed inherent in many people who are addicted to self-criticism. For them, physical pain is almost the only available way to experience frustrating emotions (primarily guilt, despair, pain), on the one hand, and a way to control their condition, interrupting mental suffering with physical suffering, on the other.

In such an attitude one can see echoes of some religious dogmas that preach the sinfulness of the body and the need for atonement through pain, and pedagogical concepts based on drill and physical punishment instead of explanations.

The habit of self-criticism, coupled with low self-esteem and lack of recognition, drives a person into a trap: the confidence grows in him that he is simply unworthy of anything good: neither love, nor respect, nor even the right to self-realization. And from here it’s not far to depression and loss of meaning in life. The black-and-white vision of the world and the feeling of being its ruler, characteristic of children and adolescents, persists for some into older age, developing into global responsibility for everything that happens, perfectionism and fanaticism. Such a person cannot accept himself and the world around him if they do not correspond to his ideas, and is ready to destroy anything and everything. And first of all, herself, because it is impossible to be perfect all the time, and she cannot come to terms with her own imperfections and perceive mistakes as experience.

Thus, self-flagellation, which was originally a way of surviving in traumatic external circumstances, becomes a style of thinking and traumatizes a person in itself. Moreover, self-criticism does not even push a person to change, since it does not give hints on how to get rid of shortcomings and avoid mistakes. Overcoming this addiction has two components: learning to safely experience your feelings and developing an eco-friendly philosophy of life based on self-care.

Learn from the professionals

Find helpers in achieving your goals. The ideal way to become more cheerful and confident is to find a professional who can support and coach you. He will help you achieve any goal and accidentally indicate success. It’s one thing to see achievements yourself, and another thing to have someone point them out to you. And if this is also an expert in your field, then self-esteem soars through the roof. What kind of self-flagellation can we talk about when you are praised by a professional whom you trust?

Have you started learning from an expert, but he scolds you? You made a mistake, no big deal. It's just not an expert. Look for someone else. Not everyone can support and teach at the same time. Look for just such a specialist.

The first signs of self-criticism

Women suffering from self-criticism are constantly dissatisfied with themselves: with their body and appearance, actions, intelligence, character, etc. This attitude leads to illness. When something unpleasant happens in life, they consider themselves to blame and argue as follows:

“I’m just a loser, that’s what I need.”
“I’ll starve since I lost my money.”
“For gullible fools like me, it’s no different.”

Self-criticism and internal conflict gradually kill all the joy of life, a person ceases to receive any pleasure and loses the determination to start new projects, realize his dreams, and assert himself:

“This beautiful dress is not for me with my thick hips (small breasts, bow legs, etc.).”
“My stories are mediocre graphomania, I won’t show them to anyone.”
“I’m too fat to meet people and have relationships.”

Moreover, the person himself does not realize that he is indulging in self-criticism until he hears about it from relatives or reads the corresponding article.

In psychology, it is customary to identify the following signs of self-criticism:

complexes;
dissatisfaction with oneself (to the point of hatred);
constant comparisons of oneself with others;
depression, depression;
shame about your lifestyle;
lack of appetite;
uncontrollable bouts of gluttony;
sleep disorders;
the desire to change your life in the complete absence of real readiness to do this (why, nothing will come of it anyway);
rejection of one's own body and appearance;
evenings spent in regrets about an unhappy life and one’s own inferiority.

Self-criticism has some gender differences. So, if women usually fall into hysterics because of their appearance, then men more often reproach themselves for poverty and low social status.

For example, an adult man living with his mother may hate himself because he does not have money for his own apartment. A bachelor living alone feels unclaimed and not needed by anyone. And the married man is dissatisfied because he feels like a slave to his wife and henpecked.

Productive and unproductive self-criticism

At the same time, never mentally screaming at yourself is also harmful! Lack of self-criticism is also destructive. And here you need to know when to stop. Sometimes anger is useful, because nothing brings us to tone more than the emotions inherited from our smaller brothers in the process of evolution. Fear and anger are manifestations of two of the most important instincts for survival. One emotion is responsible for the “fight” response, and the other is responsible for the “flight” response. So, if you get angry, the fear will instantly go away, and vice versa. After all, you decided to “beat” all the difficulties on the way to your goal. And when the habit of fighting with difficulties reaches the point of automatism, then what kind of self-flagellation can we talk about?

What a person calls willpower is anger directed in a constructive direction. He shouted at himself and took a few steps towards his goal. But here three conditions must be met for criticism to remain constructive:

It should precede the action, and not occur after it. That is, if you are afraid to approach a person to talk about some topic important to you, then you should tell yourself “come on, pull yourself together, you rag,” while you still have the opportunity. And if you criticize yourself after you haven’t done it, it will only lead to empty self-flagellation when it’s too late to change something.
Less shouting, more severity. There is no need to scold yourself with the last words. Just mentally say “I decided!” And to do this, you need to learn to manage emotions and improve emotional intelligence. Severity is also aggression, but expressed to a reasonable extent and at the right time. And self-flagellation is a complex of emotions and actions divorced from reality, and this is why it is dangerous.
Positive emotions after performing an action should cover the negativity that precedes the action. For example, if you didn’t want to achieve a goal, you were internally angry with yourself, started doing it and then got what you wanted, then joy will be many times greater than anger. And next time it will take less effort to get started. Verified.

Many people are interested in what “self-critical” means. This word is usually said in response to a person’s ostentatious self-flagellation or when he criticizes himself constructively. It all depends on the situation. That is, it is impossible to say whether the interlocutor is overly self-critical or everything is in moderation based on one phrase.

The terrible consequences of self-criticism

At first glance, self-criticism seems, if not a useful habit, then at least harmless. Excessive self-confidence and selfishness are not pleasant to anyone, such people are avoided. But modest, self-critical people with a developed sense of responsibility, on the contrary, are very convenient for others. But this is still not a reason to develop self-criticism. This habit is dangerous for several reasons:

The Samoyed is an eternally dissatisfied, depressed, embittered person who gnaws at himself for his shortcomings and can take out his anger on others. Demonstrative Samoyeds are prone to whining, ostentatious hysterics and pessimism.
Due to gloomy thoughts, such people sleep poorly, have a lot of health problems, and often have eating disorders.
They express their dissatisfaction on other people in the form of accusations or ominous forecasts: everything will be bad, you won’t succeed, etc.
They have no time for developing their own talents and abilities; all their energy goes into self-accusation.
It is also difficult for them to cope with current difficulties.

The Samoyed transmits low self-esteem and bad attitude towards himself to others, and soon he really begins to be considered a loser and a source of problems.
People prone to self-criticism are vulnerable to manipulators and often turn into chronic victims.

If this is not the fate you dream of, you need to somehow fight the habit of self-criticism.

How to get rid of self-criticism: advice from a psychologist

The main thing that distinguishes people affected by the disease of self-criticism is a keen attention to themselves and their shortcomings. Cruel self-criticism directed at oneself has a destructive effect on the psyche, provoking neuroses, and on the body, leading to psychosomatic diseases. But from the outside, such a person looks uninteresting and unattractive.

To prevent healthy self-criticism from turning into toxic self-criticism, follow a few simple recommendations.

First we think, then we act.
This is one of the most effective ways to stop engaging in self-criticism and self-flagellation: include reflection before you start acting, and not after.

Motivate yourself with the well-known proverb “it’s better to do and regret than not to do and regret.” For example, if you have to take a decisive step or do something boring and unpleasant (a call, a long-postponed task, etc.), your internal aggression will become a source of energy for you and set you in the right mood: if you accomplish what you have planned, you will not there will be reasons to hate yourself for laziness, cowardice and missed opportunities.
Let's keep our emotions in check.
Managing your emotions is the most important skill for someone who no longer wants to engage in self-criticism. It is much better to scold yourself once in a stern tone than to endlessly insult and humiliate, choosing the most evil words. A strict, rational approach to evaluating your actions ensures that you will criticize yourself only to the point and in a timely manner, without slipping into an aggressive, uncontrolled attack. To do this, you need to “pump up” your emotional intelligence.
We think about motives.
Self-criticism must be logical and competent, otherwise it will not have any educational effect and will not be able to become an adequate replacement for self-criticism. After completing an action, reward yourself with positive emotions that will cover up everything unpleasant that preceded the action.

That is, if you strained your will to decide on something difficult and frightening (or complete a boring task), and got the result, allow yourself to rejoice at it from the bottom of your heart! You deserve it! Then complex actions will be performed not out of “kick traction” (anger at one’s own indecision), but out of anticipation of success and joy. The more deeply you understand the principle “the result is worth the effort,” the easier it will be for you to motivate yourself to do something new.
Let's not rush!
If a person sets himself the impossible task of doing everything at the same time, he will have plenty of reasons for self-criticism. Therefore, learn to soberly assess the deadlines for completing any tasks and give yourself enough time. To achieve your goals successfully, break down the process of achieving them into separate steps. Psychologically, it is much easier to do several small simple tasks in a row than to take on a long, labor-intensive task with an unknown outcome. In addition, this approach allows you to quickly adjust the trajectory of movement and not overestimate the importance of any goal.
Accept yourself as you are.
Deprive self-criticism of the fertile soil on which it grows rapidly: give up the habit of looking for bad things in yourself and your actions and try to learn to accept yourself as you are.

Value yourself as an individual and do not consider your characteristics, habits and oddities as something terrible and disgusting. This is not a stigma, but a part of your personality that can serve you well if you learn to use it wisely. Look for your strengths instead of criticizing everything indiscriminately. And write down the mistakes you make in the “experience” column.
We're not messing around.
When a person has nothing to do, he is overcome by painful thoughts, and the habit of self-criticism takes over. Therefore, try to avoid such “voids”: fill them with hobbies, self-development and enjoyable activities. As a result, life will become more interesting, and instead of boredom and negative emotions, interest, enthusiasm and excitement will appear. Choose your environment carefully: avoid pessimists, complainers and grumblers. Read more good, positive books and articles, but try to limit your consumption of content from social media feeds, tabloid newspapers and television shows. Creativity and charity are your comrades in the fight against self-criticism. Volunteering and charitable activities strengthen self-esteem and make it possible to feel how small your problems and shortcomings are compared to what is going on in other people's lives. At the same time, they do not plunge into the abyss of self-flagellation and melancholy, but continue to live.
The main thing in choosing a creative or handicraft hobby is that it brings joy and satisfaction. This could be dancing or playing music, embroidery, painting, pottery, clothing design and many other activities.
Let's analyze what happened.
Unlike adequate reflection and self-analysis, self-criticism has no ending: it does not lead to any conclusions or actions, but simply exhausts. The good news is that bouts of self-criticism can be stopped. Form the habit of asking three questions in any situation when you are overcome by habitual self-hatred and the desire to count your defeats and mistakes. Draw a sheet of paper into three equal columns: the first will contain the answer to the question “What have I done?”, the second will contain “What could I do?”, in the last one – “What can I do tomorrow?” The first column is intended to describe in detail a situation in which you experienced guilt and shame. In the second, indicate the correct behavior, in your opinion, from actions and words to intonation and gestures (everything that should have been done). In the third column, analyze possible behavior options and find the optimal solution: does something need to be actively corrected or is it better to simply not interfere. Thanks to this analysis, you will be able to realistically assess the scale of what happened, learn all possible lessons and calm down.
Planning for the future.
People suffering from self-criticism are focused on the past and fixated on one event. Try to turn the vector of your attention to the future. The habit of planning each day and summing up in the evenings is an excellent tool for this. The daily plan can be drawn up in the morning or the day before, in the evening of the previous day. As night approaches, don’t forget to cross out everything you managed to do, analyze the events of the day and praise yourself. Of course, the plan will also be useful to you during the day to remind you of current tasks. A list of what you have done is an excellent proof of your effectiveness and a building block in the foundation of self-esteem. Think and dream more often about what is pleasant for you, and drive away negative thoughts. Your goal is to wean yourself from fixating on the negative and make your emotional state upbeat, energetic and positive.

Even the most sober and ruthless self-analysis should not turn into self-criticism. It is possible to evaluate yourself without humiliating yourself, and to improve yourself without scolding or destroying yourself with feelings of guilt. Control your inner critic and don't let it destroy your personality.

An excellent weapon against self-criticism and negative thoughts is humor. One day, an aspiring writer admitted to Mark Twain that he was not confident in his writing abilities, and asked whether his venerable senior colleague had experienced anything similar. To this, Twain, with his characteristic self-irony, replied that he realized his complete mediocrity after fifteen years of literary work. When asked how he acted in such a situation and whether he gave up creativity, the young writer received a negative answer: no, he didn’t give up, because at that time he had already become a famous author.

How does self-flagellation affect a person's personality?

Self-flagellation prevents a person from developing. We focus on the shortcomings when we need to think about how to improve the necessary areas of life.

Focusing on shortcomings is a negative focus.
Focusing on how to improve your life is a positive focus. And as you know, what we focus on is what we attract into our lives. We become more optimistic, which creates conditions for personal development and self-improvement. If we bite ourselves, life will become unbearable.

Many people mistakenly believe that self-criticism is the path to development. But this is not so, moderate self-criticism is the main thing in personality development. And self-criticism leads to the development of only psychosomatic and physiological diseases. Feel this edge!

A funny but extremely useful exercise to stop self-criticism

Self-criticism is like a car whose brakes have failed: it accelerates quickly, but cannot stop without outside help. A Samoyed schoolchild worries for weeks because of a teacher’s remark, and, for example, an adult prone to self-accusation will worry in the same way about any sideways glance or comment from his boss in his direction. If after some time the incident is resolved successfully and the manager praises such a suspicious employee, he will briefly cease to be tormented by doubts. But only until a new reason to gnaw at oneself appears.

What can we say about situations when something serious happened: a critical mistake, an annoying misunderstanding, a quarrel, etc. A person prone to self-criticism and hyper-responsibility loses peace and sleep, immersing himself in worries, constantly blaming himself for not thought everything through, didn’t take it into account, did the wrong thing, and allowed such negative consequences. Such thoughts are of little use: everything has already happened, regrets cannot change it, and painful emotions and self-doubts only undermine self-esteem. It is much wiser to stop in time and switch attention to other problems.

The “Mistake!” exercise will help with this, developing a tolerant, calm attitude towards one’s own mistakes. This is a kind of psychotherapeutic ritual that combines several simple phrases and external gestures (which, as this technique is mastered, turn from physical to imaginary).

Physically performing gestures is very important at first. But in order not to scare others, do it alone with yourself or among loved ones who will support you and will not laugh. If this is not possible, make gestures mentally.

So, you made some minor mistake or oversight, forgot something, couldn’t restrain yourself and lashed out at someone, or simply said something you shouldn’t. Do the following:

Spread your hands and say in a funny, childish voice: “There was a mistake!” (with the intonation “There are disappointments in life”). At the same time, you can tilt your head to the side and spread your arms in a funny way. Feel this clown gesture, perform it relaxed, exhaling and playfully.

What is all this for? In order to bring down the tragic pathos and stop inflating the problem to the scale of the universe. If you think some kind of nightmare has happened, the typical Goonie gesture will help you see the funny side of what is happening.
Gently hug yourself by the shoulders, fold your arms across your chest, and say: “I am good.” You don’t have to stick to this wording - look for those words that are convincing for you. For example, one lady who practices this method supports herself with the phrase “I’m a real smart, smart girl and well done!” It works for her - it helps her to find a calm mood and get rid of self-criticism.

The point of all such techniques for stopping self-criticism and obsessive thoughts is to switch from negative to positive. Having made a mistake, even unintentionally, a person automatically begins to consider himself guilty, worthless and bad, spurring negative emotions with self-accusation and abuse. The psyche becomes discorded, which becomes the cause of more and more mistakes and breakdowns. To prevent one small mistake from growing into a whole black streak, monitor self-criticism in a timely manner and use self-calming methods.
Read also: Radiation necrosis: symptoms, diagnosis, treatment methods
Your emotional state has improved, but this is not the end of the exercise - the main part of it lies ahead. Extend your hand with your palm raised forward and command yourself: “Work!” After putting your psyche in order, you need to set yourself up for constructiveness. You are no longer bad and guilty, but good, but you need to roll up your sleeves and correct the consequences of what you have done. By the way, purposeful actions do not leave time for hysterics and self-aggrandizement, so this is another step that helps get rid of self-criticism and remorse.

Do I need to keep information about the incident in my memory? Opinions differ on this matter. Occasional minor mistakes can be immediately put out of your mind (you won’t lose anything!). But it would be better to comprehend and remember a serious offense with far-reaching consequences, so as not to repeat it again. If necessary, write it down somewhere.

As it turns out in practice, this three-step method of combating self-criticism is necessary, first of all, for the fair sex. Men may well limit themselves to the last stage (“Work!”).

On the connection between pessimism and self-flagellation

Self-flagellation is a direct consequence of pessimism. When we see everything in black tones, we don’t see the light, we find sad thoughts, and we really want to blame ourselves for the fact that the world is exactly like this. Pessimists love to search for those to blame for all their troubles. This leads to difficulties in interacting with others. Every self-critical person can become successful only if she compares her own feelings with reality.

When a person blames himself, he often burdens others with his problems. And all negative emotions are necessarily transferred to other people. They read them automatically, and therefore the relationship also deteriorates. Most people do not like to experience negative emotions, they are simply afraid of them.