How to overcome love addiction and stop thinking about someone

Love addiction or relationship addiction

• Love addiction or relationship “addiction” Lack of self-confidence
• Love addiction and breakups

This is the case when you cannot live without a caring partner or without someone who loves you.
Love addiction is when you become completely unable to function alone, always feeling bored or miserable, until someone comes along and fills your life with joy. Although love addiction is classified as the safest addiction, it can still ruin your life.

Literature:

1. Peel, S. Love and addiction [Electronic resource]. - Moscow: IOI, 2005. - 384 p.
2. Love addiction. How to get out of unhealthy relationships / Alexander Nosov. — Moscow: AST, 2021. — 224 p.
3. When love hurts: how to distinguish love from addiction and get out of a toxic relationship / Sylvia Kongost; foreword by Irina Mlodik; [translated from Spanish by Valentina Ivanova]. - St. Petersburg [etc.]: Peter, 2021. - 252 p.

The text was checked by expert doctors: Head of the socio-psychological service of the Alkoklinik MC, psychologist Yu.P. Baranova, L.A. Serova, a psychiatrist-narcologist.

CAN'T FIND THE ANSWER?

Consult a specialist

Or call: +7 (495) 798-30-80

Call! We work around the clock!

Lack of self confidence

Sometimes the main reason for love addiction is lack of self-confidence. In this case, you may need someone to validate you, someone to reassure you that you are a good person, or someone to help you compensate for your lack of self-confidence.

People who are addicted to drugs because they lack confidence think about it this way: “if someone loved me, then I am not worthless, then I am a worthy person,” and therefore they rely on external factors to feel confident rather than being addicted to one's inner self-esteem.

Love addiction and breakups

One of the good reasons for spending is relationship addiction because when you fall in love with someone just because you need them, you may break up with them as soon as that need goes away, and since that need develops from a temporary slump, that we are experiencing, the relationship may fracture in the near future.

Love addiction can usually be caused by other problems in your life. For example, if you have some kind of emotional problem that you cannot solve or that you are running away from, you may develop an attachment to the relationship.

Of course, no method of escape will be as wonderful as escaping from love, you just need to escape into a mood of love where these bad emotions will not be felt at all. One of the simple rules of emotions is that you can only feel one emotion at a time, so when you experience love, you will forget about other bad emotions, or at least bury them for a while.

Since the subconscious mind cannot be fooled, these bad moods will still visit you in the form of unknown bouts of bad mood or even in your dreams in the form of nightmares.

How to overcome love addiction?

The solution to this problem may not be that difficult, you just need to figure out why you feel depressed when you are alone. If the cause was unresolved issues then at least start taking action or if the cause was lack of self-confidence then start building your confidence. Whatever the reason, just find it and then try to take steps to eliminate it, instead of avoiding a temporary addiction that will not solve anything.

The habit of love addiction only accumulates problems, then you will have to face even more problems.

How to “treat” dependent relationships between husband and wife? Psychologist's advice

“Be very careful about giving anyone power over you!” Rosamund Pike and Ben Affleck in the film Gone Girl (2014), where extreme dependence on a partner leads to lies and crime.

Letter from Marina (31 years old) from Tula:

My relationship with my husband is far from ideal. We constantly argue, he leaves home and spends the night with friends. There were betrayals, he raised his hand against me. I understand that I feel bad with him, but I can’t leave him. As soon as I try to do this, I start to experience real withdrawal. I feel like I love him very much, even though he doesn't deserve it. I don’t know what to do: I can’t do it with him or without him. Help!

Practical psychologist Angela Kharitonova

This is a real adrenaline addiction. A person gets used to a certain level of adrenaline in the blood; this is his personal norm. If he lives in tense, anxious or crisis conditions, then this level of “norm” is chronically elevated for him, and then in calm relationships he becomes bored, and depression may even begin. Some people get this level of adrenaline from difficult work, where there is high responsibility and risk, others - from extreme sports and travel. But the easiest way to get adrenaline is from relationships.

What are healthy and unhealthy relationships?

In a healthy relationship, everything is extremely clear and clear, calm and therefore “boring”. This is definitely not a plot for a film. You offer your husband something, he agrees. He offers you something, you agree. If something doesn’t work out, you calmly negotiate on other terms. There seems to be no energy in such relationships. More precisely, it exists, but it is very calm, cozy and peaceful. And vigorous and active energy goes outside - to creativity, work, sports, hobbies, raising children, etc.

And if we consider adrenaline relationships, then there are such passions that you definitely have something to tell your girlfriends and something to amaze the entire Instagram. There is always something going on here: scandals, leaving and coming, slamming the door, tears, threats, betrayal, fights, breaking dishes, again declarations of love and crazy actions. It seems like life is perfect! But it only seems so. Something always happens in these relationships, but complete nonsense happens, which only drains energy, exhausts people and brings the relationship closer to a fatal ending. All energy is concentrated inside, and there is not enough of it for creativity, self-development, professional growth, and for children. If the tension in a couple drops, then the couple immediately comes up with a new scandal to increase the level of adrenaline. Why not drug addicts? Treatment for such relationships is indeed similar to treatment for drug addiction. This is a dependence, and a chemical dependence, on hormonal emissions. Therefore, you need to take this very seriously!

Signs of a dependent relationship in a couple

The balance of giving and taking is extremely important in any relationship. If in healthy relationships this balance is maintained, then in dependent relationships there is always an imbalance. One of the partners is the donor, the other is the recipient. The donor invests all his resources, attention and care into the recipient, as if into a black hole. The recipient accepts all this, but gives in return not love, but constant shocks.

The donor is always dependent because he subconsciously strives to compensate, that is, to get back his expended energy. Often the donor is perplexed: “But I did everything for her! I have already proven my love! Why doesn’t she appreciate this?” The donor does not understand: no matter how much energy he invests, if he is not loved, he will never be loved. Love cannot be earned.

Example. The girl met the guy. She thought a lot about him, prepared for dates, selected outfits, changed her daily routine in order to make time for meetings. This is all the energy that the girl spent. The guy felt that the girl was stuck. If this is a potential vampire or manipulator, then he begins to pursue his own manipulative policy, that is, he withdraws dryly, ignores communication with her on the phone and on social networks, changes general plans and refuses dates at the last moment.

If a girl is not prone to dependent relationships, she simply leaves. But if there is such a tendency, she will unconsciously want to receive compensation for her expended energy, that is, to achieve the same attention from a man.

Many scientists have conducted research on dependent relationships in couples. Why are eccentric partners so attractive and arousing strong feelings? The mechanism is this: from an unpredictable partner, the “reward”, that is, violent sex or a manifestation of love, comes unexpectedly, and the addict never knows when it will happen, so this is especially appreciated. This is again adrenaline addiction, simple chemistry.

The essence of addiction : the constant hope of receiving love, which can never be justified. The addict receives only adrenaline stress, which he mistakes for love. The donor partner very often experiences a constant fear of being abandoned or being left alone. This is the result of childhood trauma. Perhaps mom was too cold or unpredictable in her behavior. The recipient partner also has his own childhood trauma. He is very afraid of intimacy because his parents were physically or emotionally abusive as a child, and intimacy is dangerous for him. As soon as the donor approaches him at an unsafe distance, the recipient immediately runs. Don't expect to cure him with your love. This is a dead end! Healing can only be done through healthy relationships and only when the person wants it. Here you definitely need to work with a psychologist.

Signs of love addiction

1. You idealize your partner and don’t notice obvious shortcomings: so what if he drinks and doesn’t work, but his soul is bright.
2. Even if your partner clearly neglects you, you still justify him.
3. You feel guilty, as if the problems in the relationship are your fault. Didn't show up for the date? I probably didn’t explain it to him well. Changed? I’m probably not sexy and feminine enough, I need to take care of myself.
4. You believe that you are responsible for your partner's feelings. He gets angry, it means you are to blame, he criticizes, it means you did something wrong. And instead of leaving, you try to improve yourself.
5. Relationships are the main value of your life.

How to get rid of love addiction

Human life can be divided into three areas:

• the first sphere of life – love, family, relationships;
• the second sphere of life - pleasures, hobbies and personal needs (here we enjoy solitude, delicious food, healthy sleep, a good book, shopping, sports, communication with nature - this is the zone of self-care);
• the third sphere of life is achievements (our career, professional fulfillment, creativity, ambitions, social status).

The problem with dependent people is that their attention is focused only on the first area of ​​life, while the other two suffer. The most effective method to get rid of love addiction is to redirect your attention to other areas of life, to grow your other subpersonalities.

For example, gain recognition in your profession, learn to please yourself, take care of yourself, change your wardrobe, go on a trip. Sooner or later this will cause a rush of adrenaline that you are missing. Remove responsibility for your feelings from your partner and transfer it to yourself. For example, you are hurt, depressed or angry. These are your feelings, and only you are responsible for them. You can fill your life with completely different feelings. And restore respect for your personal boundaries. Don't let anyone break them! Leave yourself space for privacy, for your thoughts, emotions, secrets that you are not obliged to share with anyone. Spend some of your time without a partner, with friends or in solitude.

And remember: only you have the power to fill your life with happiness, joy, and inspiration. No other person in the world can make you happy, only you can do it yourself!

Only numbers

Copy: Untitled infographic Infogram

Introduction to Dealing with Breakups

Do you think your heart will remain broken until you get it back?

Don't worry, in two weeks you will completely forget about the one you loved, even if you are now dying for him.

It's quite disappointing how a relationship that was once the sweetest thing in someone's life turns into great heartbreak and unhappiness after a breakup.

Sometimes relationships don't even have a beginning to have an end. This happens when love is one-sided and one partner suffers greatly while the other never notices.

This is where the famous phrase “I can’t live without you” comes into play. The life of this particular individual stops at a certain point, hoping that his lover will return to him, but sometimes this does not happen and the person becomes depressed.

Don't worry, dealing with rips will be much easier than before once you finish reading this section.

A key factor in dealing with breakups

One of the unknown facts about love is that many times we don't fall in love because we really love the other person, but we fall in love because we need someone to help us get over our bad mood!

Some people seek relationships to cope with the unbearable emotions they experience when alone.

This situation is similar to when someone starts taking drugs just because they don't like their current state of mind or simply because they can't cope with some bad feelings. When people like the state of love and the feeling of love, rather than love for the person himself, you can be sure that they are running away.

This is called love addiction. The state of being unable to live without love just because you have other problems that you want to forget about.

What is really dangerous about this kind of addiction is that no one ever realizes the fact that he is dependent on his partner only because he feels bad, and not because he loves him.

He may even become completely convinced that this partner is the only one, and therefore, if it happens that he leaves him, he will suddenly return to the terrible state he was in before. When a person after a breakup finds himself experiencing terrible emotions, not knowing the facts I just mentioned, he thinks that he cannot live without the partner with whom he broke up.

Some people fall in love to cope with problems rather than to grow. This is called external dependency. The habit of depending on an external factor to feel good or get away from a bad mood.

External dependence is a way that some people get rid of their bad emotions. Whenever they face a big problem, they rush to find a loving partner to forget about all their problems in life.

Love addiction is a special case of external addiction where a person uses love as their preferred method of escape.

How do I know if I am in true love and not in attachment?

Just remember how you felt when you were alone without a partner.

• Have you always felt bad or sick?
• Have you always felt that you won't live a happy life unless you meet someone who loves you?
• Have you ever thought that the solution to every problem lies in your ability to find someone who loves you?

If you answered yes, then there is a high probability that you are susceptible to such an addiction.

The person doesn't matter, his emotions matter.

The good thing about external dependency is that once you find someone who provides you with the same nurturing that you used to get from your old partner, you will feel good and happy again.

For “love addicts,” it doesn’t matter who the partner is who provides them with this care, as long as he meets their unconscious criteria of love.

How to recover from a breakup?

To recover from a serious breakup or one-sided love, you must first realize that you may have been an addict. If you continued to believe that you wanted the person himself, and not the feelings or emotions you experienced with him, then your mind will not let him go.

In my consultations, I often talk about how you can easily overcome breakups simply by understanding the concept of love addiction. Know that if you become emotionally stable and free from love addiction, these breakups will not affect you except for a limited period of time before you fully recover.

If you got into a relationship just to deal with bad feelings, then you'll likely feel depressed until a solution is found. If you find that you are suffering from external addiction and that you cannot live without someone, then it is time to dig into your personal problems and fix them.

It's time to do some digging to find out what's causing this emotional instability that makes you unable to tolerate being alone.

How to feel good?

Another fact that is unknown to most people is that sometimes a person feels bad after a breakup not because he was rejected or lost someone he loved, but because unconsciously he thinks that he was rejected , which means he is guilty, inadequate or not like everyone else.

In this case, it is only your negative view of yourself that hurts you, and not the rejection itself. If you wanted someone to approve of you because you thought approval or love meant you were good, then of course you will suffer after the breakup.

If this is your way of thinking, know that unless you change it, your self-confidence will always depend on external factors rather than internal ones, and you will live at the mercy of others.

It's normal to feel depressed after spending, but it's not normal to spend months recovering.

Of course, it's normal to feel bad after a breakup, but what's not normal is that you don't recover from the breakup after a few months.

After a breakup, people usually go through certain stages of recovery before they feel well again. Be sure to read the links below to quickly walk through all these steps.

After a breakup, you will be left with both bad feelings and some experiences. When the bad feelings disappear, you will feel good as a result of the experience.

How to recover from painful falling in love?

But love is an accident. Some people are lucky and their feelings turn out to be mutual, while others remain rejected. And this pain can last for a very long time. Sometimes years, not so much days or weeks. Thinking that we are not smart, successful, beautiful or talented enough to be loved in return is destructive. And here you need an ambulance to finally get rid of this disease. So…

It's not your choice

Admit to yourself that falling in love is a trap of your brain, or rather of the endocrine system (the one that is responsible for hormones). Alas, the wonderful feeling of love, about which they write, sing and make films, are banal chemical reactions in our body.

Here's how it happens...

Our subconscious, with the help of smell , which by the smell of a person is able to calculate his genetic and immune characteristics, determines that this partner will produce tenacious offspring. In natural selection, individuals with genetic diversity survive. And we are looking for a partner, as a rule, with a different set of genes.

The suffering of young Werther Photo: Source

The brain produces a substance with the difficult to pronounce name “ phenylethylamine ”. This is the “hormone of falling in love.” It activates all other stimulants. The most famous:

• adrenaline - makes us blush, sweat, get nervous, fuss, do unreasonable things;
• endorphin - makes us happy from the presence or thoughts of the object of “love”;
• serotonin (also responsible for laughter) makes you feel joy.

Just imagine how feverish our body is at this moment.

Phenylethylamine triggers the dopamine motivational system , that is, the body rewards us with a dose of serotonin and endorphin if we are near a loved one. Oxytocin plays a huge role here. This is the “fidelity hormone.” This is why it is difficult for us to leave a toxic relationship or forget unrequited love.

By the way, fidelity, as a feature of behavior, also arose in the process of evolution. Agree that the chances of survival are greater if you raise and protect your offspring together.

This concludes the biology lesson. Go ahead…

Photo: StockSnap, pixabay.com

Let go and forget - the past cannot be returned

When a person does not leave your thoughts, it means that you still have hope that you will be together. I advise you to try to start a relationship again, but if communication brings him or you discomfort, if you hear a clear “no,” accept it. You need to put an end to this story.

Be (at least a little) proud of yourself and of this experience, because “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Accept the fact that this is not your person.

There are still a bunch of genotypes on Earth

Realize that this person is not “the one.”

At the moment, there are 7.79 billion people living on planet Earth, and among this diversity there is your soul mate (or maybe even 10 or 20 of them).

You most likely think that it is unlikely that there will be a person as smart, purposeful, humorous, passionate, attractive, charismatic as He or She. And you also listen to music alone.

There will be! Moreover, you will have much more in common and the best compatibility of temperaments. Believe it.

There are still a bunch of genotypes on Earth Photo: pasja1000, pixabay.com

Better think about who you would enjoy being with or even living with. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns.

1. In the first, write in a column the qualities that, in your opinion, are important in a person. These can be not only character traits, but also habits, interests, and outlook on life.
2. In the second column, write what you want from the relationship. Do you even want them? What are you missing? Maybe you constantly need help and support? Or are you already independent and just need to have fun every now and then? Or maybe all at once. How do you feel about polygamy? Are you ready to forgive betrayal? Ask as many questions as possible on this topic.
3. In the third place the names of your idols: actors, performers, just acquaintances. Also think about why you like them and what unites them. This way you can calculate the type of person you risk falling in love with.

After falling deeply in love, we judge new partners by the standards of our “ex” partners, who in fact are not role models. And this sheet will help you not to get confused and dream a little, to realize that there are definitely people you will like even more.

Vincent Van Gogh, “Two Lovers”, 1888. Photo: artchive.ru

Self-healing

Unrequited love or painful separation leaves deep psychological traumas and gives rise to a bunch of complexes. Life turns into an unspoken war with “ex”. Who has the cooler partner? Who earns more? Who looks more impressive?

Stop comparing yourself to someone! We are actually looking for happiness and comfort. How can you truly feel the taste of life if you are dissatisfied with yourself and don’t love yourself?

They say that there is increased and decreased self-esteem. This is wrong. There is stable and unstable self-esteem.

• Unstable self-esteem is when we love ourselves, but only if we were praised or went to training. As soon as we mess up somewhere or fail during a diet, we hate ourselves.
• Stable self-esteem is when we love ourselves regardless of any factors. And this is the right position, because only we can take care of ourselves, like no one else. Why would someone love you if you don't love yourself? Only those who truly value themselves adore life.

Alfred Guillou, “Farewell” Photo: artchive.ru
Think and even write down what you like about yourself, how you differ from others. Up to strange habits or hobbies. Then read this sheet and look at yourself from the outside. Well, isn't he a cool guy? In my opinion, he is simply unique!

To consolidate everything, reward yourself. Want to watch the series? Look because you love yourself. If you want to eat ice cream, allow yourself to do so. Having loved yourself, you no longer need outside love, but, on the contrary, are ready to share this warmth with others.

Defeat this person within yourself

Yes exactly. There is no need to compete in success with “former” people. Just realize that He really missed something. He didn’t know that you were beautiful because he is an ordinary person who is not used to delving into someone’s inner world.

Photo: Depositphotos

You can replay your meeting with him in your thoughts. What will you tell him and what won't you?

• Desired result: you say hello indifferently and move on without remembering this incident.

Expectations

As Buzova sang: “I open the world of other men,” so you start communicating, expanding your circle of acquaintances, going to all kinds of events and parties. You will see how many interesting things and how many different and attractive people there are around you. This will make your life rich, and you may soon find Him or Her.

All these practical tips will not help right away. You can't stop loving someone overnight. Return to these steps again and again.

And finally, remember: life is too short to spend it on constant self-abuse and thoughts about Him or Her. You are alone, your life is in your hands, and you are worthy of love and care.

Tags: falling in love, feeling of love, practical advice, parting

Fighting love addiction

First step

Love addiction can not only cause bad feelings after a breakup, but it can also threaten the future and duration of your current relationship.

The first step in fighting love addiction is to understand why we are addicted to love! To be able to break free from addiction, you must first get rid of the root causes behind it.

There are many reasons that could be causing your love addiction, here are some examples:

• Lack of self-confidence leads to a strong need for approval and a desire to meet someone who can make you feel worthy
• Unresolved issues that cause low mood and mood swings can lead to love addiction. In this case, the person needs someone to make him feel better
• Being single or without intimate relationships with friends can make you addicted to love.
• Refusal in relationships. Many people fall in love just because they want to feel loved or approved.

Wrong beliefs about love can also lead to love addiction. Once a person acquires such faith, he will feel the desire to enter into a new relationship as soon as he feels bad. Understand why love is not like in the movies.

There are also many other reasons, but I cannot list them all because each individual may be susceptible to this type of addiction for different reasons. Your first task in overcoming a problem is to determine the cause of it.

Second step

Let's say you discovered that your love addiction was a direct result of your inability to tolerate bad moods, which leads to your unresolved problems.

In this case, you should start facing your problems instead of rushing into emotions. You must get rid of the bad habit of allowing problems to fester while you do nothing about them.

Whatever the cause you discover, the next action must be directed against and deal with that cause. If it was self-doubt then fight to strengthen your self-confidence, if it was loneliness then read about the causes of loneliness to deal with it and if it was a deviation then find the reasons for those deviations then deal with them .

If you are serious about overcoming love addiction, then you must decide to be brave. You should decide that you will not return to a relationship when your life gets hard, and you should also decide that you will go to war against all these things that make you depend on someone else to survive.

There is something very important that you must understand: knowing why you are addicted to a relationship is the key to overcoming such a problem. For example, if you feel unloved due to lack of self-esteem, there is a very high chance that you will look for some quick fix that will help you feel good and guess that a new romance may be such a quick fix.

Love addiction has many causes and unless you understand the cause and treat it, you can always end up in the wrong relationship. In the example I just gave, the only way to overcome addiction is to build self-esteem.

By doing this, you won't need an affair to feel good about yourself, and you'll only enter into a relationship when you're truly in love.

Explore the nature of your love addiction

It is difficult to get rid of love addiction because the person you love seems absolutely unique, ideally suited, close and dear, understanding you like no one else. That is, finding the best person for you is simply not possible. Of course, you will hold on to such a person, it is scary to let him go, because in the end you will be left completely alone, and this is even worse.

Or it could be that he doesn't seem wonderful at all, but he seems to be the only one who paid attention to you. If you break up with him, the loneliness can be unbearable and it can last until the end of your days - this is what it seems when you think about breaking up.

Both are illusions. Yes, this person is very important to you in some way, but when you can fully understand what it is, he will no longer be attractive to you, because in fact this is not what you need. If he was the one who could make you happy, you would already be happy.

Many women who want to get rid of love addiction can explain what hook a man is using to catch them. But if this knowledge does not help in any way, then something important in this hook is eluding you. That's why you fall for it again and again.

Developing your coping skills

To properly end your love addiction and ensure that the problem does not return, you need to develop your coping skills. As you may have noticed, the problem can occur because the person does not have enough skills to deal with life's problems or unwanted emotions.

In other words, when people are feeling down, they look for quick painkillers to help them face the pain, and one of the most popular painkillers is love.

Now, even if you have resolved the problem, you may relapse if you do not gain enough skills to deal with the problem.

Learning to stay single

In many cases, relationship addiction occurs because the individual does not have enough emotional capacity to remain single. In other words, as soon as the “addict” finds himself alone, he feels very bad and strives for a new romance.

Now the ability to remain alone can only be achieved if you have studied the psychology of love well, and also know how to properly recover from a breakup without leaving marks in your heart.

When you learn how to recover from a relationship properly, you won't have much of a problem with loneliness until you meet the right person, and as a result, you won't have problems with love addiction.

Features of getting rid of love addiction

Dependent people lose their individuality and are psychologically inferior. Serving your partner is an attempt to compensate for this gap. The personality of the chosen one replaces other aspects in the life of the addict - friendship, communication with relatives, work.

READ

How to stop being jealous and cheating yourself: advice from a psychologist for women and men

Addiction often takes on a more aggressive form. A person strives for control and interferes in the intimate space of a partner. Addiction is accompanied by insane jealousy and reluctance to share the other half.

Such relationships in any case cause mental suffering. In this situation, it is difficult to part painlessly. If love helps personal growth, then addiction depresses it. Obsession with a partner turns a couple's life into a challenge.

Recommendations for women

Ladies with unstable psyches, young dreamy girls and middle-aged women are highly susceptible to addiction. To solve a problem, you have to accept it. Need to:

1. Get rid of reminders of the person.
2. It is better to present farewell words to a man in the form of a letter. There is no need for unnecessary sentiment, just write a short statement of your decision and gratitude for the time spent together.
3. To avoid the temptation to call, you should delete your ex-lover's phone number.
4. Become inaccessible to mutual friends and acquaintances. Avoid intimate conversations with friends.
5. Take a break - go on a trip, find a hobby.

The first step in getting rid of love addiction is understanding and visualizing the problem. If it is difficult to do this on your own, you can contact a psychologist. Professionals use various techniques - hypnosis, surveys and tests. Having broken up with the object of painful love, you should try with all your might to forget him and start moving on with your life.

Tips for men

Despite the greater susceptibility of the weaker sex to love addiction, it also occurs in men. But representatives of the stronger sex, unlike women, experience everything within themselves without expressing emotions. This makes male addiction even more destructive.

Men, experiencing dependence on a woman, rarely resort to help and prefer to solve the problem on their own. The desire to drown out pain often leads to alcohol abuse and promiscuity. A person is derailing his life. Getting out of this state is difficult, but possible. Necessary:

1. Understand your feelings. Realize the presence of addiction and accept it as a disease.
2. Move away for a while not only from the object of affection, but also from your usual environment. The ideal option is to change your place of residence. Access to social networks should be limited - endlessly browsing your ex’s Instagram account will not contribute to recovery.
3. Direct your energy to creation, self-development and increasing self-esteem. It’s worth taking a break and finding new guidelines in life.

In a nutshell, these recommendations are simple, but life is more complex. If you approach the problem methodically, a solution to the situation will soon appear.

12 steps from codependency to harmony

Initially, the 12 Step program was developed in the USA to get rid of drug and alcohol addiction. Now it is widely used in psychology, including in the treatment of emotional codependency of people in couples:

1. A person experiences a problem, feels inferior without a relationship. At this stage he realizes his problem.
2. Determining the causes of codependency without emotions and excuses.
3. Comparing your feelings with the real picture of the relationship in a couple.
4. Responsibility for your behavior in this situation.
5. Forgiving yourself for mistakes.
6. Refusal of prohibited techniques to get what you want from your partner. This should include pity, guilt, control.
7. Acceptance of new rules of communication in couples. Requests and desires are expressed directly, without manipulation or hints.
8. Putting order in thoughts and feelings.
9. Awareness of your own needs and desires. At this stage, it is useful to engage in meditation and similar practices.
10. Definition of psychological frameworks in communication.
11. An addict learns to get close to different people and keep his distance.
12. Maintaining harmony between your ego and the personal space of others.

To get out of codependency, you need experience in relationships with other people, defining boundaries and maintaining the required distance. It is worth reconsidering your attitude towards your own personality, learning to appreciate and respect it.

Non-standard approach

You can cope with addiction to a person using the following techniques:

1. The Lope de Vega method is a mental transformation of a partner’s advantages into his disadvantages.
2. The destruction of romance. Communication with skeptics of love—woman haters or “blue stockings”—will help here.
3. Pasteur's method is to switch attention to another attractive person without falling in love.
4. Sublimation or Freud's method is the transformation of sexual energy and aggression into creativity.
5. Logics. A sober analysis of the possible future of a couple without idealism will lead to the understanding that falling in love will not last forever.

READ

Jealousy in relationships: psychology and the destructive power of feeling

These methods are simple and effective. If the effect does not follow, and addiction continues to ruin your life, you should seek help from professionals.

Through prayer

Turning to Orthodoxy will help eliminate the problem forever. Before reading the prayers, you should perform the sacrament and free your thoughts from negativity. Prayer for addictions is read daily in the morning and evening.

Prayer in front of the icon of the Mother of God “Unfading Color” has special power. She helps girls find a husband, women - happiness in marriage. They also pray to the icon to get rid of passions and emotional dependence.

By constantly praying, a girl will calm her soul and humble her. Over time, she will find a worthy man and happiness.

True love vs love addiction

In other words, this is the case when a person becomes dependent on love itself, and not on a specific partner. This means that a “love addict” will not actually care about who they are with as much as they care about their relationship with their partner.

Most relationship addicts don't know that they are, but instead they just think they are madly in love with one person. As soon as the partner leaves or as soon as something goes wrong with the love relationship, addicts will quickly find another partner to love, also thinking that they are madly in love with him!

By constantly moving from one affair to another, people satisfy their intense need for love connections, confusing their love addiction with true love.

Is this true love or just an addiction to the relationship?

If you want to know if you really love your partner or if it's just some relationship addiction, see if the following criteria apply to your case:

Signs of love addiction

№1:

Not loving him if he doesn't love you: If you have always dated this person but didn't love him until one day you felt that he loved you, then this could be a sign of love addiction

№2:

You always feel depressed when you are not in a relationship. If you feel bad or sick when you're alone, then there's a good chance you're a "love addict."

№3:

You always feel bad being alone. If you always feel bad when you're alone, this could be another sign of love addiction.

№4:

Falling in love often, some people fall in love more often than anyone else. If you're falling in love every few weeks, there's a good chance you might have a problem.

How to get rid of love addiction?

1) Try to switch from caring about the “object of addiction” and relationships with him to caring about yourself. By all means, put yourself first.

2) Determine what needs you are trying to satisfy in your relationship with the object of addiction. And what needs did this person satisfy at the beginning of the relationship, when you felt happy?

Somehow he hinted to you at the beginning of the relationship that your significant needs would be met. So – we need to identify what these needs are? What did he give you at the beginning of the relationship and then stopped giving you?

3) Try to separate these needs from the “object of dependence”. Accept the idea that other people, including yourself, can do this for you. Learn to satisfy these needs, accept from others and yourself, and internalize when they give it to you.

4) Think about what a relationship with this person really gives you? Not what do you hope to get from it, but what do you actually get? For example, the feeling that I am special, that I can be loved, the opportunity to take care of someone, etc.

Find another way to get it. That is, without this person.

5) Write a list of everything that does not suit you about the object of dependence and in your relationship with him. Write as much “bad” as possible that is why you decided to leave the relationship with him.

6) Stop “using” your drug. That is, completely stop all contact with the person on whom you are dependent.

Including views of his pages on social networks, correspondence, conversations and thoughts about him, meetings for sex, etc. Get rid of all the things that strongly remind you of “him.” Block him wherever possible so that he cannot “show up” and give you hope again.

In the event of a “withdrawal”, when it seems to you that there is still a chance for your relationship, or when you feel physically ill without him, or if you meet him by chance, or if he writes to you or in a dream, re-read the list of those “bad” things, why did you decide to end your relationship with him?

Do I have a love addiction?

Know that you must find more than two of the previous points to make sure whether you are a relationship addict or not. The more signs you find, the more likely you are susceptible.

Remember that connections that are based on true love are the ones that last? And relationship addiction can lead to unstable relationships between a man and a woman.

The problem with love addiction is that it always leads to bad choices. The typical "addict" always experiences failure and disappointment in his romantic relationships.

You also need to understand that your subconscious mind is usually trying to hide the fact that you have an attachment problem in relationships. In other words, you will always assume that you are truly in love because your subconscious mind doesn't want to tell you that you have a love addiction problem.

So, the difference between true love and love addict will require a lot of courage on your part as you will have to face some unwanted emotions along the way. Reviewing your past is one very effective way to help you differentiate between true love and love addiction.

• Have you always done the same thing in your past relationships?
• Have you been madly in love many times?
• Have you always believed that the person you are with is alone?

By examining your past behavior in your previous affairs, you can easily determine if there was something serious going on or if you were just trying to satisfy this problem.

What is external dependence?

External addiction describes the state of depending on an external object or person to feel good or escape a bad mood.

Some people have become accustomed to facing their problems directly, while others have learned to run away from them, or even better, use painkillers to forget about them. External addiction is the use of an external pain reliever to forget about a problem rather than solve it.

Examples of external dependency

A person who uses drugs to escape a bad mood, one who drinks excessively when faced with a problem, and one who cannot live while they are single are considered people who suffer from external addiction.

Some people smoke to relieve stress, not because they actually enjoy smoking. Others may become addicted to a bad habit not because they really enjoy it, but because it helps them get rid of a bad mood, while a third group may go shopping when they feel bad to help themselves feel better.

The big problem with external addiction is that it prevents the person from ever facing his real problems and therefore they always remain unresolved. As a result of this behavior, problems continue to accumulate and increase until one day the personality is completely destroyed under their influence.

So many bad habits are actually caused by external addictions. Someone may develop a habit simply to help themselves cope with a problem in life that they cannot cope with. For example, a drug addict may use drugs to escape problems at work or any other emotional stress.

A typical person will not actually know that they are addicted to a certain habit due to external addiction. After all, most people would be embarrassed to admit that they use a certain habit to simply escape from something or cope with a situation.

This is why people will usually think that they are addicted to the habit itself, instead of realizing that they are simply using it to change their mood. Porn addiction is an example of a habit, where someone thinks they are addicted to a habit, but in reality they are just using it to change their mood.

The release of dopamine, a pleasure chemical, in large quantities in the brain, like watching porn, can help many people get rid of bad moods, at least temporarily.

External dependence and love addiction

Some people are outwardly dependent on love itself in such a way that they cannot live alone, they are called "lovers of love." Because falling in love releases many chemicals that regulate mood and help an individual feel better (at least in the early stages), some people become drug addicts to escape their problems.

In my consultations, I describe how addiction to relationships can be a major reason why people fail to recover quickly from a breakup. When one becomes overly dependent on a partner to avoid a bad mood, then, of course, breaking up with that partner becomes an impossible task.

One of the truly dangerous consequences of love addiction is that it makes a person vulnerable to any attempts to exploit his weakness. "Love lovers" are the fastest people who fall in love with each other, even if they don't really like the other one. Many people fall in love under the influence of love addiction to escape their problems, but then realize that they never loved the person they married and that they were simply avoiding their bad moods.

External dependence, as we have learned, can ruin your life in the long run. Even if it may help you feel good in the short term. If you are doing any of the previous actions, then it is time to become brave and face your problems. And don't make the same mistakes over and over again.

Contact and make an appointment Read about counseling and qualifications

Psychologist, hypnologist Natalya Korshunova ©

Love and love addiction. How are healthy relationships different from addictive, toxic relationships?

The healthy option is not complete self-sufficiency and independence, as some people think. There are no absolutely self-sufficient people who do not need other people at all.

Getting attached is absolutely normal and natural for each of us. And it’s normal when we have needs for other people.

But healthy relationships, unlike addictive relationships, are not based on self-sacrifice, where one invests a lot in order to get reciprocity from the other, or so that he changes, or so that he does not leave. And they maintain a healthy balance between what a person gives and what he receives from another.

Also, in a healthy relationship, “good” happens much more often than “bad.” And dependent relationships are painful relationships, except for their beginning, when it covers you with a state of euphoria. Which quite quickly gives way to suffering.

With healthy attachment, the loss of a relationship with another person also causes unpleasant feelings, causes sadness and sadness. But these feelings can be experienced. And the fear of these feelings does not prevent you from ending the relationship if it no longer suits you.

And when a love-dependent person loses his relationship with the object of his addiction, he feels much worse. He begins to experience a state of withdrawal. And it is precisely because of this that it is difficult for him to get out of such unhealthy relationships.

After all, as soon as he takes steps towards his freedom, he is overcome by the so-called “withdrawal syndrome.” He begins to be strongly drawn to the object of dependence.

Love addiction is not love. And it has nothing to do with true love.

And this awareness is one of the important steps in getting rid of love addiction. It is important to understand that this is not love, you do not love the other person in the case of love addiction. And you use it to hide from your inner emptiness and your other problems.