Fear of Sex - How to Overcome It and Find Sexual Healing

This article will be useful to anyone who has encountered fears in intimate relationships and wants to overcome them.

Fears in the sexual sphere can lead to anorgasmia, premature ejaculation, inability to enter into relationships, loneliness, depression and even suicide attempts.

The most common fears are:

• fear of not conforming to cultural or social norms
• fear of rejection
• fear of violence
• fear of the unknown
• fear of having sex and not meeting the other's expectations

Fear of cultural inadequacy

A client who professed Islam approached me. She complained of depressed mood and anxiety. The client studied at the university, was successful, worked, and maintained a good relationship with her parents.

I worked with her feelings and beliefs using cognitive behavioral and art therapy approaches, which can quickly bring about improvement in situations like this. There was no result.

I was already thinking about recommending medical help, when the client admitted that she had fallen in love with a young man of a different religion, that she was experiencing strong sexual attraction, but suppressed it within herself, was ashamed and afraid. She felt confused because she did not want to give up her faith and was sure that the young man would not accept her religion. She didn't know what to do.

We carefully analyzed the internal conflict, talked for a long time about her personality, values, and ideas about happiness. This helped her make a decision.

Genophobia and its therapy

Genophobia is the fear of sexual intercourse or sexual intimacy and is a very common, although rarely discussed, problem. Sexuality plays a central role in the human experience: problems associated with this “act” can have a very significant impact on those who suffer from it.

On this page you will find:

• Symptoms of genophobia
• Treatment of genophobia

Genophobia tends to be more common in families where there is 'pressure' to raise children and can be seen as 'priming'. Some sufferers may have been led to believe that sex is somehow 'sinful' or alternatively 'painful', either way we often find that people get into trouble as a result of these kinds of ideas.

All phobias are, by definition, irrational, but no matter what the feared object or circumstance is, phobic beliefs also cause feelings of anxiety and stress in the sufferer, and genophobia is no different in this sense.

While the feared object or situation may seem “funny” or “stupid” to other people, a person suffering from genophobia knows all too well that the anxiety they experience is real and has a harmful impact on their life.

For many years, psychologists have recognized that our minds are more than capable of producing a real biological response to any given situation and as long as a sufferer of genophobia believes that the object or situation they fear poses a danger to them, then they will experience real fear.

Most people who suffer from genophobia recognize that their fear is irrational, but continue to experience it regardless of this knowledge. This is why simply asking a hypnologist to get rid of it rarely provides a solution!

Symptoms of genophobia are very similar to other specific phobias and often include:

1. Panic attacks
2. Inability to relax
3. Feeling dizzy
4. Prickly sensation (like pins and needles in the body)
5. Heartbeat
6. Pain
7. Dry and sticky mouth
8. Excessive sweating

Symptoms of genophobia tend to be automatic and uncontrollable, and they seem to take over a person's thoughts, often leading to extreme measures taken to avoid a dangerous object or situation, which are known as "safety" or "avoidance" behavior.

Unfortunately, for the sufferer, these safety measures have the paradoxical effect of actually making the phobia worse rather than solving it!

Genophobia can be the result of negative emotional experiences that may be directly or indirectly related to an object or situational fear.

Over time, symptoms often become “normalized” and “accepted” as limiting beliefs in that person’s life—“I’ve learned to live with it.”

Just as in many cases, genophobia can worsen over time as more and more sophisticated behaviors develop.

The good news is that the vast majority of people suffering from genophobia will undergo psychological therapy, which is extremely helpful.

Fear of sex - fear of not conforming to social stereotypes

The Internet and popular culture offer countless stereotypes that have nothing to do with reality:

• “sex should last thirty minutes - no more and no less”
• “my body should be 90-60-90 to be attractive”
• “many sexual partners are the key to one’s own attractiveness”

In the recent film “I'm Losing Weight,” a young man breaks off a relationship because of a girl's appearance, finds the “ideal of sexuality,” but ultimately loses love. And the heroine, through working on her body, comes to her real self, to the feelings that were hidden in the depths. She meets her fears and ultimately becomes herself, free from the opinions of others.

How to increase self-esteem

How does coitophobia manifest?

It is not always possible to notice the symptoms of a phobia with the naked eye, unless a person, of course, openly says “I’m afraid of sex.” But there are points that cannot be ignored. A clear sign is a complete rejection of sex and mentions of it, which is called erotophobia. Sexual relations bring fear to such a person, and he himself will not understand why.

Also a sign of a phobia is promiscuity, when a person is afraid to build trusting, strong relationships, but for some reason cannot cope with the desire for sex. This is intimate phobia, in which losing virginity is not scary, but building normal relationships is scary.

“I’m afraid of first sex” can be said by a person whose phobia is accompanied by excessive concern about some defect or feature of the body. Sometimes there is the influence of gymnophobia - fear of nudity and fear of the touch of other people.

Sexual phobias are accompanied by a feeling of panic, fear, and very strong horror. Physiological manifestations may include shortness of breath, trembling, rapid heart rate, and excessive sweating. People who admit “I’m afraid of losing their virginity” can often limit themselves not only in intimate relationships, but also in any contacts with people around them.

Fear of violence

A client who experienced sexual abuse many years ago was unable to open up and trust the partner she had fallen in love with. She couldn’t find the strength to talk about it, because there was pain and unshed tears inside. She was unconsciously afraid of repetition.

How to overcome your fear of sex? In such a situation, a soft, delicate conversation, psychotherapy, and work with psychological trauma and its consequences are useful. A person must form the position “you can’t do this with me”, “I can protect myself” - allow yourself to get angry, express emotions, recognize your own value, realize your own psychological resources.

Treatment of intimophobia

True intimophobia can only be treated with psychotherapy. A person with such a phobia under no circumstances allows his partner to cross the established line, even unconsciously. The defense mechanism is triggered. But there is also false intimate phobia. When, with a patient and wise lover, the intimate phobe gradually shifts the boundaries, allowing more and more. And if he sees that nothing bad happened, then the rapprochement continues.

With false intimophobia, a person has fear, but it cannot be called a phobia. He can control his fear, go into it, try to cope by working on himself. Talking about feelings, complete trust between partners, the desire to change the existing scenario and working with the main reason help.

Sometimes girls have a fear of getting closer due to complexes, embarrassment and tightness in bed with a certain person. For example, after the same negative experience or against the background of low self-esteem. If you have complexes that relate specifically to sex, go to our popular “Love and Sex” section. You will find many useful tips on how to overcome your complexes. We also recommend that you take Pavel Rakov’s online course “The Art of Female Flirting”. On it, girls increase their self-esteem and self-confidence, learn to communicate with men boldly and openly, and become liberated.

Girls, please share in the comments - have you found signs of intimate phobia in yourself, or maybe in your chosen one? How did you deal with difficulties in relationships? Your experience is important to us, we remind you that comments are anonymous.

Fear of trying new things

In couples with experience, sex becomes less frequent and sensations become dull. Take a closer look - do you know everything about your partner? It is important to experiment, imagine and implement. Couples who live new experiences together (travel, meet new people, engage in creative activities) are more satisfied with their life together.

Test for a couple: 6 main questions

What do sexual fears lead to?

Sex, along with food and sleep, are among the basic human needs. His dissatisfaction or distorted perception becomes a stumbling block on the path to further personal development and disrupts the harmonious structure of the psyche. Therefore, phobias of an intimate nature do not just cause situational discomfort - they significantly distort an individual’s life, preventing a person from building meaningful relationships with the opposite sex, satisfying basic needs, getting married, and having children. Such fears usually lead to the development of other mental disorders: depression, anxiety disorders, neuroses.

Sexual fears, unlike more specific ones, prevent full, comprehensive interaction with the world. So, if the fear of eggs did not prevent Albert Hitchcock from becoming an unsurpassed master of cinema, then a person with contraphobia is unlikely to be able to achieve success in a field that requires communications.

A contraltophobe can see a potential rapist in every person, regardless of the level of cultural development or age. Because of this, the patient avoids communication with other people to varying degrees, which interferes with normal interaction with society, the building of communication connections that are important for the individual, and professional activities.

This disorder gets its name from the Latin word contrectare - to touch, seduce. You can also find another name for phobia - agraphobia (not to be confused with agoraphobia - fear of open spaces).

Fear of not living up to another's expectations (expectation of sexual failure syndrome)

A young married couple came to the reception. They complained about misunderstandings, conflicts, and dissatisfaction with sex.

It turned out that each partner is focused on the ideal image of the other, which lives in his head. He more often mentally communicates with a virtual copy of his partner than with him himself, and answers questions for him as he imagines. The woman wanted more stimulation of the clitoris and did not like the taste of sperm during oral sex, but she was afraid to say so, so as not to offend the man. The man sought to ensure “dynamics”, not really feeling what he wanted.

Don’t be afraid to be “uncomfortable” for others, that’s the only way you will become yourself.

Coitophobia in men

It’s not just a girl who can say “I’m afraid for the first time.” And if in women the fear of sex can be associated with physical problems, then in men sexual phobias lie in psychological problems.

• The cause of coitophobia can be improper upbringing in the family, when the despot mother terrorizes the child, and when he grows up, due to the fear of being absorbed, sexophobia is formed.
• Often men are afraid of sexual intercourse due to the fear that nothing will work out in sex, which will lead to ridicule of his penis and humiliation. Every guy has this fear at some point, but most men can overcome it. Erophobia is especially strong if there has already been failure in sex in the past. This greatly affects a guy's self-esteem, but does not affect his desire to have sex. That is, he thinks “I want sex, but I’m afraid.”
• Low self-esteem in a guy is also the cause of phobia before sex. A man may think that a woman is too good for him, too smart and beautiful, and that he is too bad for her and will not be able to satisfy her. And this “I’m afraid” spoils his entire personal life.
• Another cause of coitophobia is fear of blood. A man is afraid to have sex during the menstrual cycle because of disgust. Some people consider sex during menstruation unaesthetic, while others are simply afraid of blood. Then sexual relations may be incomplete.
• Fear of sex may be associated with fear of virginity. If girls are afraid of pain, then guys are afraid of the girl’s reaction to his body movements. They are afraid of causing the girl pain and discomfort, which is why sexphobia arises. So you shouldn’t twirl your finger at your temple when you hear a guy say “I’m afraid of losing my virginity,” even though losing my virginity is physically painful only for women.

How to get rid of fear of sex

1. Discuss fears openly with your partner.
2. If you're hesitant to discuss it with your partner, talk to a close friend or counselor first.
3. Love and accept your body. Masturbation is normal!
4. Study your body. How can my partner guess what I like in sex if I don’t know it myself?
5. Find out the other person's feelings about sex and share yours. Your partner won’t be able to get into your head, and you won’t be able to get into his.
6. Share your sexual fantasies with each other.
7. Adjust your beliefs, be flexible. Sex is normal, necessary, beautiful and healthy.
8. Accept your aggression, the desire to possess others.
9. Be yourself. Explore yourself, trust yourself. Respect the rules and norms of society and choose what makes you happy.

Causes of coitophobia

There are other reasons that give rise to fear of sex.

• If your first sexual experiences were unsuccessful. If the sex was rough, the girl never got pleasure, unless the partner was experienced and could not carry out defloration properly.
• The most common cause of fear of sex is physical violence and sexual abuse. This is always associated with terrible stress and a feeling of humiliation. Incidents of violence often cause psychological trauma, due to which sexophobia arises.
• Another important cause of coitophobia is sanctimonious upbringing, when parents describe sex as something dirty, impossible and shameful. It gets into a girl’s head that she needs to lose her virginity with her husband, with whom you will then spend your whole life, that he should be the only man. So, girls grow up thinking that sex is a threat and should be avoided. And this also affects the fear of the first time. It is noteworthy that these are the girls who often have rash first sex, afraid of losing their boyfriend. They think like this: “I’m afraid, I don’t want to lose my virginity, but I want sex, I want to have a boyfriend.”
• Often girls are afraid of the consequences of sexual intercourse. Fear of unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases. Unpleasant consequences and sensations, long and difficult recovery of health, treatment. It’s easier for them not to have sex at all, it’s calmer.
• Often girls are embarrassed about themselves and their bodies, and not just for the first time. Sometimes this develops into rejection and hostility of oneself and one’s characteristics. Some people are afraid to show their naked body to someone because they have an unusual breast or labia shape. But it often happens that girls have nothing wrong with their appearance. Such sexophobia must be overcome by raising self-esteem and self-respect. You need to find a guy who will help you overcome this fear, with whom you won’t be afraid to lose your virginity.
• It happens that sexophobia comes from childhood and is associated specifically with childhood trauma. For example, if the father left the family and the mother drank heavily. Then the fear of sex is associated with a woman’s inability to build the correct model of the relationship between her and a man; she is afraid of a repetition of the scenario, of betrayal. This form of coitophobia and sexual deviations are very common among women from single-parent families.
• Sometimes the fear of first sex can be physically justified. We are talking about a problem with the female genital organs, which cause very severe pain with every sexual intercourse. This problem should only be solved by experienced gynecologists and psychologists.