The question of how to stop being shy, withdrawn and insecure worries a huge number of people who want to overcome their inner fear. Since the listed character traits rarely occur individually, but flow from each other (a shy person is usually withdrawn and unsure of himself), in order to suppress them you will have to do serious step-by-step work on yourself.
Shyness in any form prevents you from being yourself. A person reveals himself fully only when he feels at ease. Stefan Zweig. Impatience of the heart
Too shy girl
Introduction
The phrase “modesty is decorative” has long been set on edge.
Yes, in some situations modesty is needed, because excessive boasting or obvious narcissism does not suit a worthy person. But shyness is something else. This quality interferes with the life of both the humble guy himself and confuses those around him - they try to help him, understand him, open him up, but this does not always work out. As a result, a shy person drops out of social life, since he is boring and has nothing to talk about. And this gives rise to new complexes and negative emotions in a closed person. And something needs to be done about this.
If you take some action, put in your efforts and back it up with a great desire, then everything will definitely work out!
What to do with shyness in moments of embarrassment
But it happens that we find ourselves face to face with a situation that makes our shyness come out, and there is no time to remember recommendations from psychology. If this situation occurs, the following tips will help you:
Focus your attention on your breathing. Advice “Calm down. Breathe deeply” and it really works.
When speaking in front of an audience, pay attention to the information you are telling, not the impression you are making.
Watch your body language. Correct postures and movements help you feel less self-conscious.
Concentrate on individual details. If you are talking to a stranger, pay attention to how he is dressed; If you feel awkward in an unfamiliar environment, look around, maybe you will catch your eye on an object that will attract attention and help you relax.
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How to stop being shy: a guide to action
Faith in success
The most difficult thing is to take the first step towards a more liberated self. It may even seem to you that this is unrealistic, that nothing will come of this whole venture. Drive away these thoughts! This is wrong. You will definitely succeed. Believing in yourself and your success is very important, so stock up on them to the fullest.
You are no worse than others
The next stage is the understanding that you are no worse than other people.
You are the same, and in some qualities you are superior to many. Remember all your strengths and skills. Some of them are not a sin to brag about or at least demonstrate to the world. For example, do you write poetry? Stop hiding them! Join the literary community and show your creations to other people. Although not everyone will like your poems, you will definitely find fans of your work.
Remember: to receive compliments and approval, you need to show people what you can be praised for. If you are closed, then you simply will not be noticed. And learn to love yourself for who you are. Nobody is perfect.
Failure is a learning experience
Criticism or failures in life are not always bad. Perceive your failures not as the end of the world, but as a certain experience that makes you wiser and stronger.
Remember the famous phrase “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”?
It may be hackneyed, but it is very true. This is true! Therefore, you can be a little sad, even cry, and the next day pull yourself together and move on to a better life.
Facing your fears
To overcome your indecisiveness, you need to work hard on yourself.
You are probably embarrassed to speak in public. Start by at least making a toast. This is a challenge for many people: to find certain words, assemble them into beautiful sentences and pronounce them publicly, albeit in a small company of close people. It’s better to prepare this short speech in advance, think through all your wishes and repeat several times. You will realize that everything is not so scary. Everyone will definitely like it. Try it! You can also contact strangers on the street more often with various questions. For example, asking how to get to such and such a street. This will also liberate you, you will be less afraid of communication.
Become a pleasant conversationalist
Do you think that in order to have a conversation, you need to have some kind of secret knowledge or have a special relationship with a person?
This is not always the case. Many sociable people talk with others about mere trifles. It wouldn’t hurt for you to adopt this quality, even if it seems stupid at first. Start by talking about the weather, no matter how trivial it may be. Next, you can discuss matters that connect you with your interlocutor. If this is a co-worker, you can talk about the problem of parking near the office building. If the neighbor talks about how the rent bills have increased. The main thing is to start, and the conversation can develop on its own, especially if your interlocutor is more sociable than you. Practice! And you will get involved.
Give compliments
People love to hear pleasant words addressed to them, even if said in passing. And especially women! Give them compliments. You don't have to be full of praise. Suffice it to say that today the young lady has a good hairstyle or a beautiful dress. You will see how she will immediately become more disposed towards you.
The right attitude
Train yourself to be positive every day. A positive state of mind, even from scratch, will help you overcome life's obstacles. Healthy optimism never hurt anyone!
Reasons for isolation
Confinement can be severe or minor, constant or periodic. Sometimes it becomes a temporary reaction to certain events and is successfully controlled by a person, in other cases it manifests itself continuously in all areas of life, combined with fears, aggressiveness, and mistrust. The characteristics of unsociability and the degree of social maladjustment may be due to situational factors, psychological problems or mental illness.
Situational isolation
For most people, withdrawal is triggered only by certain situations. It is a conscious choice or arises unconsciously, but is purposefully supported by a person, helping him to function more effectively - to avoid unnecessary stress and unpleasant emotions. The ability to limit sociability from time to time is a sign of plasticity and flexibility of the psyche. Possible reasons for situational isolation:
- Lack of interlocutors.
A person may seem withdrawn in unfamiliar or unfamiliar company. His reticence is explained by the fact that the necessary level of trust in people has not yet been established, and there is no clear understanding of the specifics of the conversation. Observing what is happening is more active than talking directly. - Lack of interest in conversation.
Closedness can occur when there is insufficient interest in the content of the conversation, its participants, or the situation as a whole. A person becomes silent when the conversation is boring, incomprehensible, or participation in it causes hostility. Detachment allows you to save energy and maintain a positive emotional mood. - Depressed emotional state.
In a state of sadness, melancholy, and apathy, a person does not feel the desire to talk. The reasons are varied - failures in life, accumulated tension, daily stress. As soon as the mood improves, the former sociability returns. - Fatigue.
Interpersonal interaction is always a process of exchange of information and emotions. If a person is tired, then the energy necessary to maintain a conversation is not enough. There is a need to rest and restore strength. An example is silence after a working day, especially among people whose profession involves communication. - Preoccupation with thoughts.
Sometimes a decrease in interest in the environment becomes the result of intense mental work. At the same time, attention is focused on the idea, problem, memories. Preoccupation with internal work manifests itself as detachment, closedness, and absent-mindedness. An example is a scientist developing a new theory. - Role behavior.
Some situations require display of restraint and modesty, demonstration of obedience, and readiness to submit. The image of a closed person is a social role, the fulfillment of which is most beneficial under the existing conditions. Thus, a child whose parents often swear and show aggression becomes secretive. His "quiet" behavior allows him to remain unnoticed.
Psychological factors of isolation
Lack of sociability, shyness, and secrecy may not be situational reactions, but persistent character traits that manifest themselves in uncomfortable situations or on a daily basis. The reasons for this behavior lie in previous experience, that is, they are explained by the type of upbringing, conditions of education and professional activity, and traumatic situations that have occurred. Closedness as a personality trait can be provoked by the following factors:
- Low communication skills.
Closedness and lack of communication may be based on insufficiently developed interpersonal interaction skills. Common reasons are frequent illnesses, long hospital treatment; physical defects that prevent the establishment of relationships; refusal of the child to attend kindergarten or school. In these cases, the person is closed because he has no experience of positive communication. - Fear of communication.
The causes of this phobia are uncertainty and unstable self-esteem. A person belittles his own qualities, does not believe that he can please people and be interesting. He is afraid of the possible negative consequences of communication - conflicts, criticism, condemnation or ridicule - therefore he prefers to remain unnoticed and does not take the initiative. - Negative relationship experience.
The desire to remain alone can manifest itself as a defensive reaction of the psyche. Disengagement often develops after a traumatic relationship and helps avoid repeated betrayal, disappointment, shame or humiliation. For example, a teenager becomes withdrawn after a conflict situation with a group of peers or a woman after adultery. - Features of education.
Withdrawn children grow up in families where parents do not develop the child’s sociability and emotionality. The reasons are high busyness at work, lack of time for joint activities, emotional coldness of the mother. Another option for destructive parenting is frequent manifestations of parental aggression. The child constantly experiences fear and withdraws for the purpose of protection. - Properties of temperament.
Sometimes, despite the sociability of parents and the positive experience of friendship, a person remains silent since childhood. This is due to the peculiarities of his temperament, namely, the properties of higher nervous activity. People with low mobility of nervous processes - phlegmatic people, melancholic people - find it difficult to get used to a new environment, activity, situation. Therefore, they prefer loneliness or communication in a narrow circle of friends.
Being withdrawn can be a personality trait or a symptom of an illness.
Isolation is a symptom of illness
A persistent tendency towards alienation from interaction with people is a manifestation of a mental disorder. Withdrawal is based on a depressed emotional state, severe anxiety, fears, and delusional ideas of persecution. Often patients are socially maladapted - they do not go to work, have no friends, and isolate themselves from family members. Lack of communication and secrecy are characteristic of the following diseases:
- Depression.
With depressive disorders, the emotional background decreases and the motivational and volitional functions weaken. Patients feel constant sadness and lose interest in all areas of life, including communication. They spend most of their time alone, interpersonal contacts are painful and quickly drain them. In severe apathetic depression, speech may be completely absent. - Sociopathy.
Antisocial personality disorder is a pathological change in character characterized by disregard for social norms, lack of affection, and a tendency toward aggression and illegal actions. The reasons for the taciturnity of sociopaths are suspicion, anger, misanthropy. Due to the lack of sympathy and close relationships, harm to others is possible. - Schizoid psychopathy.
With this characterological disorder, people become withdrawn, unsociable, and focused on internal experiences. Loneliness does not frighten them; there is a passion for their own thoughts, ideas, and images. Behavior is characterized by originality and eccentricity. A typical creative orientation of the individual is drawing pictures, creating music, and unusual clothes. - Anxious personality disorder.
The disease is manifested by low self-esteem, constant anxiety, and a desire for social withdrawal. Patients are extremely sensitive to the opinions of others, underestimate their ability to communicate, and therefore avoid contact. The reasons for isolation are fear of rejection, condemnation, humiliation from others. The disorder develops between the ages of 16 and 24 and is often provoked by traumatic experiences with peers and high demands from parents in childhood and adolescence. - Autism.
The disease occurs as a result of disorders of brain development, manifested by a lack of need for social interaction, specific deviations in speech development and behavior. The main symptoms are the desire to avoid contact, extreme loneliness, stereotypical movements and actions. There may be a complete absence of speech, immersion in the world of one’s own experiences, incomprehensible to others. Patients may react inadequately to external stimuli and to attempts to start a conversation. - Schizophrenia.
This mental disorder is endogenous - it develops as a result of certain internal changes in the brain. The reasons for the isolation of patients are changes in personality, distortion of thinking. The integral image of the “I” is destroyed, interests and motivations weaken, and autization increases—a withdrawal from external contacts to internal images, feelings, and reasoning. Thought disorders may include delusions—ideas that others want to cause harm. This also becomes the basis for stealth. - Delusional disorder.
The causes of the disease may vary; the key symptom is the presence of systematized delirium, devoid of bizarreness. Patients become silent and withdrawn if such behavior corresponds to the theme of their disorder. So, with delirium of persecution, they sit at home all day long, close the doors, don’t let anyone in, don’t talk to anyone.
Additional ways to get rid of shyness
Before you stop being shy in companies or when meeting new people, you need to understand that solving this problem depends entirely on the person himself.
It will take some time to become more open, relaxed, and sociable. For some, a few weeks are enough to achieve success, while for others it will take several years before all manifestations of the described negative qualities are completely eradicated. Now there are several effective ways to stop being shy and withdrawn, unsure of yourself. This list includes:
- personal training;
- development of communication skills;
- performing special exercises (“go ahead”).
No need to replay either
The method of personal training has now gained enormous popularity, as it allows you to convince a person that he is no worse or better than other people he doesn’t know well.
Typically, specific guidelines are communicated in the form of a “teacher-student” approach, when an experienced mentor (psychologist) convinces withdrawn and insecure people that no one in the company is trying to ridicule, offend, or humiliate them.
Many of them also experience a certain amount of excitement, but in no way show their own negative feelings. Regular classes with a specialist who knows how to persuade help achieve results, and a person overcomes his fear of communication.
Sometimes it is recommended to develop communication skills by doing certain exercises. One of the most useful options for how to stop being shy in company is to simulate the situation in front of a mirror. It wouldn’t hurt to prepare a few universal jokes that will help defuse a tense situation or give you confidence in your abilities. The more a person “rehearses” alone with himself, the more confident and at ease he will feel in a real situation.
An innovative technique was to perform tasks that require considerable courage from an indecisive, shy person. For example, he should come up and talk to complete strangers on the street, ask for the phone number of an attractive girl (guy), or talk about some event in a public place. After 2-3 such exercises, progress is noticeable, as a person overcomes fear, becomes more open to the world around him, and gains self-confidence.
What is the difference between modesty and shyness?
People often confuse modesty and shyness, but in fact these are different concepts that should be distinguished. Modesty is the ability to keep oneself within the bounds of decency, depending on the situation, and the reluctance to attract unnecessary attention to oneself of one’s own free will. It is also a lifestyle in which people are not characterized by excessive refinements and luxury.
Shyness is the fear of unnecessary attention in one’s direction. Such fear arises unconsciously and a person cannot control it. This is the difference between modesty and shyness . A modest person does not attract unnecessary attention to himself due to his own decision, and a shy person does not attract unnecessary attention due to fear. A modest person knows his worth, is confident in himself and can demonstrate this at the right time. A shy person is unsure of himself and is afraid to share his achievements because he thinks that there will always be someone better.
Several important nuances of achieving success
Psychologists highlight several key aspects of how to stop being shy in company and at the same time win the favor of strangers.
The list of such conditions invariably includes:
- acceptance of constraint (excitement, isolation) as a given fact;
- positive thinking, smile, neat appearance;
- lack of comparison of oneself with other people;
- training in slow, intelligible speech.
It is necessary to clearly understand that it is quite normal to feel shy, nervous or withdrawn in certain situations. Don't try to hide your emotions, because it always looks unnatural and repulsive. At the same time, the initial impression of a person is influenced by his appearance, facial expression, and voice intonation, so try to always look brand new, exude positivity, and don’t forget to smile.
There is no need to constantly draw parallels with more successful people in the company, otherwise this can lead to negativity, detachment, and the desire to quickly go to a quiet, secluded place. A huge problem for many people is slurred, rapid speech, which not all participants in the conversation can understand. Learn to express your own thoughts clearly, clearly, slowly, which will allow you to attract the attention of others, avoiding caustic ridicule.
Bottom line
Shyness can be overcome - add some effort to your desire and soon you will see a positive result!
Be active, decisive and open to people. You can overcome shyness, self-consciousness, and lack of self-confidence only through painstaking work on yourself, positive thinking, and getting rid of fears or complexes. Fight your weaknesses, prejudices, negativity - and you will definitely become a successful, attractive person!
Elizarova Lilia · May 21, 2021
