True love involves mutual feelings, but sometimes emotions go unanswered. Many people have experienced unrequited attraction in their lives. Most easily passed through the suffering and let go of the object of worship. But often unrequited love becomes an unbearable burden, a strong feeling does not let go. Psychologists give advice to break a one-way relationship. How to survive unrequited love?
Causes
To know how to cope with unrequited love, it is worth finding out the reasons for this feeling.
- Internal state. Fatigue and depression affect the overall energy, and disappointment in love becomes an addition to the general emotional background.
- Low self-esteem. Lack of self-confidence is reinforced by attitudes: “I’m too ugly for him,” “I don’t match him,” “No one will ever love me.” The lower a person evaluates himself, the more difficult it is for him to achieve reciprocal feelings. There is a strong belief that “I will always have it worse than others.”
- The benefits of unrequited love. Sometimes such feelings have benefits, but the person is not aware of them. This is a way to hide from life; subconsciously a person does not want to be in a relationship, and a one-sided feeling allows him to escape from them.
- The illusion of love experiences. Unrequited love creates a vivid picture of emotional life. It contains suffering, hopes, internal events associated with the object of love. I don’t want to leave this illusion into problematic reality.
- Usually, people who do not see an example of a happy relationship in childhood do not cope with falling in love. Their parents did not show them an example of trusting relationships. It is difficult for such a person to imagine mutual love; it seems to him that intimacy does not exist. The consequences of this are choosing unrequited feelings or completely closing yourself off from love.
These reasons may not be recognized, but accepting them can answer the question: “How to deal with unrequited love?”
What to do if the love is not mutual?
Faced with unrequited feelings, a person naturally asks himself the question of what to do with unrequited love. First of all, you need to try to see this as an opportunity for internal change and self-development.
In practice, there are many cases where a guy or girl committed suicide or ended up in a psychiatric hospital in an attempt to get rid of a destructive feeling. The world is rapidly collapsing, and it is unclear what to do. Thoughts about living together, fantasies about a possible wedding, growing old together turn a person into a natural paranoid.
Wanting to be with someone with whom it is impossible to be is difficult. But learning to live with this feeling and remaining open to new relationships is possible and necessary. The invaluable experience of one-sided love, first of all, should teach the value of human emotions and experiences.
Most often, two methods of dealing with unrequited feelings are used in practice. The first is total distraction by an interesting hobby or favorite job. The results achieved will invariably increase self-esteem and reduce anxiety levels.
The second method focuses on finding new acquaintances, communicating with friends, traveling together and having fun. An intense pastime will sooner or later help you take a broader look at the world and stop focusing on the object of your adoration.
Psychologists strongly do not recommend imposing yourself on a person for whom you have unrequited feelings. Such behavior is likely to further alienate the object of adoration.
What you should definitely not do:
- Stalking, visiting the same places, walking in the same companies;
- Try to bribe with gifts or favors;
- Intentionally demonstrate feigned indifference;
- Betray your ideals, adapt to the interests and values of the object of adoration.
Even if reciprocity is possible, it should appear to the real thing that exists in a person, and not to something invented or temporarily created.
First of all, it is necessary to remember that unrequited love is a person’s choice:
- To be left alone;
- Don't take risks and don't try;
- Shut in on yourself;
- Stop in place, get stuck at a certain stage of life;
- Abandon alternative, possibly promising relationships.
As long as this remains unconscious, a person cannot move on. To experience an unrequited feeling, you need to step over yourself. Recognize that love is unrequited and hopes for reciprocity are groundless. Maintaining or increasing emotional dependence requires a search for causes and ways to eliminate aggravating factors. What exactly “makes” you continue to love unrequitedly? Complexes and uncertainty about one’s own attractiveness or past painful experiences?
It is necessary to direct energy not to confessions or ways to achieve the favor of the object of adoration, but to pay more attention to the awareness of what is happening. Unrequited feelings invariably provoke internal conflict and trigger a process of soul-searching, and this is not always a bad thing if done correctly.
This is an opportunity to change your life: improve your inner qualities, understand your true desires, discover previously unknown opportunities and potential, become more open to people, change externally, try something new, start realizing your dreams. This is a great reason to go beyond established boundaries.
Seeking advice and looking for answers on forums or among friends is inappropriate. Each has its own unique story. If you do not understand the reasons for the emergence of pathological love and do not act on it, it is literally impossible to get rid of the oppressive feeling. It is important not just to suppress unrequited love, but to identify the factors that contributed to its emergence.
Unrequited love is like an addiction
If a person cannot cope with his feelings for a long time, then psychologists sometimes use the term “love addiction” or addiction. Love addictions are often compared to alcohol or gaming addiction, only instead of alcohol or games there is a living person. When he is not around, the dependent person experiences real torment. He may get sick, gain weight, lose weight, and look exhausted. When dependent on love, a person directs all his thoughts and actions to the object of passion. He can write letters to him, keep watch at his house, stalk him on social networks.
Signs of love addiction:
- a feeling of love arises towards a person who experiences indifference;
- A woman or a man experiences unhappy love for a very long time, sometimes for years;
- Along with love for the object of worship, a range of feelings is experienced, from jealousy to resentment.
In severe forms of addiction, your career suffers, hobbies and friends disappear. Psychologists note that people often come to appointments with the question: “How to cope with love addiction?” In most cases, their condition is already very serious. Unhappy love is often glorified in literature, the most striking example being Petrarch and his Laura.
On a note! Psychologists advise the use of prescribing suffering, thoughts, and keeping a diary for love addictions - this is one of the techniques of psychotherapeutic practice.
Where does unrequited love come from?
Love is a deep and strong feeling that is not born in a matter of moments. It all starts with interest, moves into the stage of sympathy and slight love, and only after a long relationship “ripens” into love.
This option for the emergence of love implies the presence of reciprocity, but sometimes it happens that the object of interest does not experience reciprocal feelings and then there is a risk of unrequited love arising.
Psychologists give a number of reasons that serve as the basis for the appearance of unrequited love:
- Psychological immaturity. Infantile and emotionally immature people are afraid to reveal their feelings to the object of their love. They can tell everyone around about their love, ask for advice from family and friends, will watch the object of passion, but will not take any action. It is enough for them to be in a state of love, but they are not ready to make efforts to achieve reciprocity.
- Mental masochism. There is a category of people for whom it is important not so much to achieve reciprocity as to receive a strong surge of emotions. They will experience mental suffering, dream about the object of their passion during long sleepless nights, and sigh heavily when watching their loved one. Such people are afraid of being rejected, fearing even greater mental pain. This behavior is typical of people who are insecure and have not received enough warmth and affection in the family.
- Self-esteem problems. People with low self-esteem will prefer to suffer from unrequited feelings, because they are confident that they will not achieve reciprocity. They consider themselves unworthy and will not believe you if you convince them otherwise.
- The need for an idol. Some people feel a strong need to have an ideal. This most often applies to people of art. Unrequited love serves as inspiration for them; they attribute non-existent virtues to the object of passion, and then praise it with the help of their creativity.
First experience
In their youth, many are faced with unrequited love. The first experience, an attempt to build relationships and feelings, is usually accompanied by self-doubt, increased emotionality, and idealization of the object of worship. Sometimes unrequited love is useful for outgrowing most complexes and fears in adolescents. But it happens that young people are disappointed; first love leaves a negative imprint on all subsequent relationships. Unhappy love is difficult to forget; your thoughts always return to it.
What to do? How to survive first love? To begin with, we should thank life for the lessons; love comes to us for a reason. We learn to build relationships, observe, become better and improve for our loved one.
You should also sift the wheat from the chaff. There is no need to paste the shortcomings of your former lovers onto your new loved one. It is useful to give up the habit of comparing. Yes, it's not easy to do. Negative experiences often come to mind, but you need to thank the universe that you found out who you really need.
Unrequited love in adulthood2
Adults also face unrequited feelings, but they cope with them more easily than teenagers. It all depends on the character of the person and the degree of perseverance. Some people use all their natural charm to conquer the opposite sex, while others resort to tricks and tricks. In most cases, it is possible to turn the gaze of the object of desire. If modesty does not allow you to declare your sympathy, you can try the following:
- Do not pursue the object of adoration, do not bother with SMS and calls. This will only push the person away and cause unpleasant feelings. You can arrange a supposedly random meeting, in which you will be interested in something, leaving a little intrigue.
- Lead an active lifestyle, attend public events. New emotions and events will not allow you to withdraw into yourself. Avoid loneliness.
- Do not show your emotional experiences and do not tell everyone about them. If feelings burst out and you want to share with someone, it is better to keep a personal diary where you can pour out your suffering.
- Under no circumstances should you seek solace in strong drinks. Under the influence of alcohol, a person cannot fully control his actions, so he can mess things up and regret it in the future.
- You can invite your loved one to a party or birthday. Try, as if by chance, to touch someone’s arm or shoulder, and invite them to slow dance. Tactile communication always gives a positive result.
First you need to understand yourself and your feelings. Often people love not the person himself, but their love for him. Many people adore the state of falling in love, no matter with whom. And there is also a psychotype of people who like suffering and experiences. Such individuals always choose an unavailable object for love.
Psychologists give some recommendations on how to forget unrequited love.
- Pull yourself together, throw away laziness and do what you love.
- Get rid of photos of your loved one.
- If possible, change your place of residence.
- Find the disadvantages in the object of adoration and focus on them.
- Take care of your health.
- Visit theaters, museums, galleries. A decent crowd gathers in these places, where you can turn your attention to new acquaintances.
In general, the most effective way is to look for negative character traits in a loved one. Try to imagine that because of the bad qualities of his nature, living with him will become unbearable.
Surviving rejection
Sometimes, in order to receive reciprocity, you need to make a confession. It's scary to admit your feelings, get rejected and kill hope. How to survive rejection? But psychologists recommend not to be afraid to talk about emotions. This is better than dreaming about reciprocity for years and not making an attempt to try to be together.
Open recognition allows you to break out of a vicious circle and gain mutual relationships. Even if the answer is no, then you need to enter a new stage and build a different level of relationships, taking into account all past mistakes. Don't forget to praise yourself for your courage!
Video: psychologist Natalya Tolstaya about unrequited love
What does unrequited love lead to?
Why is unrequited love dangerous?
Experiencing unrequited feelings, a person withdraws into himself, cuts off all ties with the outside world, stops communicating with relatives and friends and begins to live the life of the object of adoration, and not his own. In addition to the fact that this significantly limits the possibilities of self-realization in the career and creative spheres, the likelihood of developing addictions and suicidal behavior increases.
Many famous personalities are familiar with the dangers of unrequited love, but they were able to visualize feelings in creativity. Among them:
- Ivan Turgenev;
- Vladimir Mayakovsky;
- Auguste Rodin and many others.
Unrequited love is a stage in life from which you can and should learn a valuable lesson. This is an unconditional motivation for self-improvement and the realization of creative potential.
How to help yourself
But how to survive unreciprocated love? Let's look at the advice of a psychologist. Masters of psychological science recommend the following actions.
Investigation of the cause
If you cannot cope with unrequited feelings for more than 6 months, then there are reasons that incline you to love one-sidedly. Try to answer the questions honestly. What makes you continue to suffer? What is the reason behind the unrequited feeling and desire to be loved? Could this be due to fear that you will be offended or lack of confidence in your own attractiveness? What is the main fear in a relationship? If you manage to find out the reason, then you need to deal with it.
"Light a fire"
The poet Ovid advised treating unhappy love by lighting fires. Psychologists also recommend this appointment today. May you have many resources that will allow you to escape from unrequited feelings. New job, passion, hobby, volunteer help. It could be yoga, dancing, driving courses, a reading group - anything. If you scatter the firebrands of a love fire in this way, you will soon see that it has gone out.
Increased physical activity
This powerful remedy helps reduce stress, since the feeling of melancholy goes away along with sweat - adrenaline is produced. Nadezhda Babkina and many other stars cope with stress this way.
Make lemonade
A good method was recommended by Carnegie. He advised making lemonade from sour lemons. A feeling of love can be aimed at creation, and not at self-destruction. There are many examples of people coping with stress and rising above their worries.
Finding flaws
Feelings for a man or woman are often based on idealization. A loved one is endowed with only positive qualities; only the good is seen in him. Try going the other way. Write down all the shortcomings on a piece of paper, remember all the flaws, even if they are fictitious. This powerful remedy is suitable for people with a developed imagination.
Video: psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, about unrequited love:
Unrequited love between a girl and a guy - differences
A man's unrequited love is a sealed secret that dies with him. It’s a little easier for women in this regard. They may share their misfortune with friends or relatives. This is correct, because stress does not disappear without a trace. Its consequences are disastrous:
- Stroke;
- Heart attack;
— Headaches and migraines;
- General malaise.
The list of things that stress can do is endless. A person who is constantly under stress becomes unpleasant to himself. And who knows how this might end.
Therefore, share your pain with loved ones. It doesn’t matter what they say, and whether you follow their advice or not, just let your emotions out. This will give you the opportunity to feel that you are not alone in this world. But it is precisely this delusion that haunts those who have experienced an unrequited feeling.
Actions to forget
Unrequited love for a woman can happen once and over time it will be erased from memory, or it can last a lifetime. And in the second case, we will be talking about a serious dependence of an emotional nature. More often, such an attachment arises in a situation when a young man meets a girl who fully meets his expectations, tastes, and is his ideal.
Reading: Attention deficit in children: why it occurs and what to do
Let's look at what to do if you are filled with an unrequited feeling.
- Realize that there is no future with the person you are in love with, that you will never be able to be around. Understand that you need to let the girl out of your thoughts, the feelings are not mutual.
- Throw yourself into work, study, find a new hobby that you can do in your free time, for example, start going to yoga, sign up for English courses. Your task is to eliminate sad thoughts from your head as much as possible.
- If there are people who by their presence remind you of your loved one, keep communication with them to a minimum.
- Start changing your image. You can do a different hairstyle, change your clothing style.
- Start providing help to those who really need it, for whom it is much harder now than for you. For example, you can become a volunteer.
- Don't accumulate negative thoughts in your head, let your emotions spill out. For example, you can go in for sports.
- If you realize that you cannot overcome unhappy love on your own, then you need to seek help from a specialist.
