Jealousy and human psychology, signs and causes of jealousy

Jealousy in psychology

From the point of view of psychotherapy, jealousy is seen as a fear of loss and a painful desire to retain some benefit.

For example, in the explanatory dictionary D.N. Ushinsky defines jealousy as a combination of the following complex experiences:

passionate doubt about the fidelity of a lover or beloved;
lack of self-confidence and fear of being a less advantageous option compared to another potential partner;
excessive diligence, zeal, zeal.

The feeling of jealousy is very close in definition to envy and is divided into love, children's, national, sports and creative.

In all cases, jealousy is considered not as an independent phenomenon, but as one of the components of the feeling of love, when one or both lovers experience uncertainty about the future and their own significance for the chosen one.

In addition, jealousy can arise in people with possessiveness syndrome, as a pathological desire to control all aspects of their partner's life.

And there is also such a definition as “an attitude of jealousy.” This is internal tension and a person’s readiness for the worst outcome of a relationship (treason, betrayal) even when nothing portends trouble. Often, children who have experienced a parental divorce and people who have gone through a painful separation or divorce have this attitude.

Jealousy and love - are there common points?

“Jealousy is poison: in small doses it stimulates love, in large doses it kills”
I. Shevelev

doubt about the loyalty of the chosen one;
lack of self-confidence and fear of losing in comparison with a competitor;
hypertrophied zeal, zeal and diligence.

It’s not in vain that you can be jealous not only of individuals of the opposite sex, but also of work, friends, hobbies, etc. If we dig even deeper into the concept of jealousy in psychology, it has become a collective for many completely non-positive emotions: resentment, disappointment, fear of loneliness, low self-esteem, suspicion, etc.

One thing is certain - jealousy is sometimes such a pronounced emotion that, in terms of the strength of its stressful effect on the body, it can be equated to the death of a loved one. It is worth noting that the most important reason for jealousy is a sense of ownership, which can equally be inherent not only in men and women, but even in children. Love somehow fades into the background in all these interpretations of jealousy, giving way to one’s own experiences:

complexes and low self-esteem;
selfishness in relationships, with a constant desire to completely control every step of the chosen one;
fear of loneliness, etc.

At the same time, jealousy is more noted in married couples, which also indicates a direct connection with the feeling of ownership of his chosen one, which he confirmed by putting the coveted signature on the form at the registry office. Since jealousy is inherent in everyone, you only need to be afraid of its hypertrophied manifestations, which can lead to negative consequences. It is better to cope with this condition by seeking help from a psychologist who will help you understand the reasons for your fear, teach you how to love yourself and build harmonious relationships based on love and trust.

Jealous - what does it mean?

To experience jealousy means to experience a whole range of contradictory feelings at the same time:

Doubt yourself : about your competitiveness, about your ability to find someone else if you lose. A person with low self-esteem needs constant attention and overcompensation for lost emotions. He needs his partner to experience the same dependence on the relationship as he does.
Fear : loneliness, loss, uncertainty, being used.
Be proud : believe that no one has the right to deceive, betray, leave and somehow infringe on rights and shake the comfort zone.
Envy : the person receiving more attention, feeling left out.
Show selfishness : putting your wants and needs first, regardless of the circumstances. Take and demand without giving anything in return.

Zealous pride is closely intertwined with the fear of losing status and falling in one's own eyes. Undesirable behavior of a partner is perceived as an infringement of one’s own rights and boundaries.

Types of jealousy. We look at the problem from different angles

In addition to the main concept, the psychology of jealousy is divided into four subsections:

Jealousy reversed . Simply put, a jealous person judges by himself: it is not difficult for him to hide his infidelities from his wife, and at the same time he is tormented by the obsessive thought that they could do the same to him.
Instilled jealousy . Jealous people of this kind grow up from children of nervous and unfaithful parents/single-parent families. Since the child has no other reference point for relationships, he takes them for granted and remembers that all men are unreliable (all women are flighty). And this problem is also common to people who grew up under the yoke of an oppressive parent. For example, a girl who spent her entire childhood listening to phrases from her mother in the spirit of: “all men need only one thing from you” will not be able to fully trust any partner.
Jealousy of an “adult woman” . A woman over 40 often begins to feel faded and uninteresting compared to fit twenty-year-old girls. At the same time, her male peer, on the contrary, feels more experienced and respectable, compared to penniless young students. So it turns out that the wife begins to live in a convulsive and jealous expectation that her husband, whose “gray hair will hit him in the head, and the devil in his ribs,” will find her a young replacement.
Jealousy is justified . This type of jealousy is synonymous with a broken heart. It so happens that people live together happily ever after, in mutual respect and comfort, until one of the spouses meets new love. No one is immune from this. It’s good if the partner, whose feelings have cooled, says so directly and does not lead a double life.

Types of jealousy

Psychologists have conducted a lot of experiments and identified 4 main types of jealousy that almost all of us face. Or even worse, he suffers from this psychological illness.

Tyranny. Jealousy of this type is characteristic of despotic, unrestrained, rude and stubborn individuals. Typically, such types demand too much from the environment, and it is impossible to fully comply. They evoke neither understanding, nor regret, nor sympathy. They are not able to win over a person and are ready to cause a scandal or conflict at any moment. Living with this is pure hell. There will be no holidays, no celebrations, no weekdays without tears, grievances and disappointment. Persons with these unpleasant character traits never feel guilty, but only get angry with those around them. As a rule, these are creative people - artists, singers, writers.

Low self-esteem. This type suffers from self-doubt, is in constant anxiety, restlessness, suffers from suspiciousness, and weakness of character. They often plunge into melancholy, sadness, depression, and this does not require any good reason. They are waiting for trouble, and it feels like they are attracting it. The same goes for the other half. Every now and then they wait to be cuckolded, they even think about how betrayal occurs. And by inertia, in every acquaintance of their spouse they see a potential suitor, or even a real rival, lover.

Jealousy reversed. Here we see the behavior of a person who will not miss a single skirt (trousers). These people themselves are unfaithful, walking left and right. And of course, they assume that their half suffers from the same habit. Knowing how ugly it is to cheat, they are afraid of becoming a victim of adultery and becoming cuckolds. That is, as they say, “They judge by themselves!”

Jealousy is instilled. Most likely, the person was raised in a family where there was no sincere love and trust between parents. He has absorbed into himself like a sponge a certain type of relationship in which one of the elders or both parents go to the left. And for him a stereotype develops - a woman is unfaithful to her husband (or a father is unfaithful to his wife).

The opinion of authoritative people whom a person has listened to since childhood also matters. It could also be parents or one of the close relatives. If dad has said all his life that “All women ...” (you know what the word is), then the child will form a specific opinion about the woman and will not be able to trust his beloved. In any case, to form a different, positive opinion, you will need to spend time, nerves and patience.

Jealousy of an adult woman. According to statistics, in about 30% of divorce cases, the cause is infidelity. And no matter how men argue or prove the opposite, in most cases the fault lies with them. Nature created them as polygamous creatures.

Here we must pay tribute - not only young men, but also gray-haired men do not lag behind in the number of infidelities. You know the term – “midlife crisis”. So, now the behavior of representatives of the stronger sex over the age of 40 has become a real scourge. They are carried away, and, as a rule, by young girls. Of course, for experienced ladies, the approach of a certain age in their husband causes concern. First one family friend left the family, then another. Her husband can also get caught in this whirlpool of hobbies.

What remains for his legal wife? To while away old age alone and suffer because of the betrayal of the man to whom she gave her love, youth, and the best years of her life. They built the future together, and all the laurels will be reaped by the person who will come to everything ready. So a woman of Balzac’s age looks at all the potential mistresses of her husband with anger and distrust. And, of course, she is jealous of him for every post.

Jealousy is thorough. There is anxiety and worry based on the real state of affairs. This happens in life - she fell in love with someone else. Or he met the one he had dreamed of all his life. Yes, before this no one forced him to walk down the aisle with you, but there was a mistake, a glitch. Nobody wanted to hurt anyone. But living away from a loved one is an unbearable torment. It is necessary to talk, and seriously, openly, without hiding the “cards”.

If there is strong love, you need to go to it, and not torment either yourself or your other half. Why waste time. Likewise, those who are left alone with problems will be able to gain time and perhaps meet the true destiny of their whole life.

It is important to understand that the main reason for acute jealousy is distrust, not only of the beloved object, but also of oneself. But do not forget that your significant other can also give you a reason to feel discomfort and feel growing horns on the top of your head.

Well-known psychologists agree on one thing - jealousy is the desire to completely possess a person. And not only physically, but also morally and psychologically. There is a desire to control his thoughts, plans, dreams, and, of course, actions and deeds. But it is absolutely impossible to build relationships this way. Don't forget that your spouse is also someone's friend, brother, co-worker, boss, son, nephew, uncle, etc. A person should belong only to himself and enjoy what is cute and interesting to him.

Normal or pathological?

Popular love dramas impose on young viewers the idea “if there is jealousy, then there are feelings.” This is a rather controversial statement, which, due to excessive romanticization, drives people into abusive relationships with pathological jealous people.

Abuse is a psychological term denoting a relationship where one of the partners exerts moral (and sometimes physical) pressure on the other. Manipulates, abusing his own position.

Jealousy is understandable and normal within reasonable limits, and if there are specific reasons. If the reason for a scandal is a five-minute delay from work, a harmless conversation with a colleague, or a fleeting glance from a passerby, this is already a pathology.

And there is also the so-called jealous delusion: when the fact of betrayal or its prospects is only in the head of the jealous person. His sick imagination and hypertrophied perception of reality makes him see betrayal where there is none. Men are most often susceptible to this type of jealousy. You might be interested in material about what it means to be a real man.

As for women, most often they are characterized by “delusions of love” of the opposite nature. It seems to a girl with such a disorder that she is desired and desired by all the men around her, and her personal object of desire is simply embarrassed to show feelings for such a popular person, which will eventually develop into imposing her own society without taking into account personal boundaries and standards of decency.

To summarize all of the above, jealousy is a pathology in cases where love is perceived by a person as a confirmation of his own importance both in the eyes of others and in his own.

A pathological jealous person is not self-sufficient and does not have stable self-esteem. If he does not receive confirmation of the love and importance of his own person in standard ways, then he begins to show jealousy or deliberately provoke a reaction from the outside.

Jealousy ㅡ what are the reasons?

Low self-esteem. Even often underestimated. Lack of self-confidence. Inability to value yourself. We get all this from our childhood.

Children, in order to receive parental love and affection, are often forced to live up to their expectations. Children carry this model into adulthood.

Looking for a relationship just to not be alone, to escape from your problems. Such a fairy tale in which a girl gets married ㅡ and everything is immediately decided by itself. And they live happily ever after. But that doesn't happen.
Boredom and insipidity in your own life. Home and work. Only the house.
Lack of trusting relationship with a partner. Initial attitude: “They will cheat on me!” Eternal interrogations (where he was and with whom), checks from fake accounts. Constant streams of thoughts about betrayal and lies.
Not love, but dependence on a partner. “I am everything to him, but what is he to me?”

Understand already, your man does not need the sacrifices that you present to him on a saucer. You want to be loved, not do all the good things for him because of your love. There is a difference. Do you get it?

Love or mistrust?

Despite the fact that jealousy goes hand in hand with love, these concepts are by no means synonymous. So how to distinguish love from mistrust? For clarity, consider the behavior of two married couples in everyday and everyday situations.

Mistrust is one of the reasons for jealousy

Example #1: At a party

The couple attends a party. The wife starts a casual conversation with one of the male guests (about the weather, the hero of the occasion, etc.). The husband also finds someone to talk to or joins the unobtrusive conversation, maintaining a friendly tone and picking up on his wife’s jokes.
The same situation: the wife starts a conversation with the man, but the husband intervenes quite abruptly in their communication. In some cases, the conflict may begin on the spot, but most often the wife will face a dissatisfied look and a scandal upon returning home.

Example No. 2. Meeting from work

The husband returns from work at the same time, but suddenly he is late without warning. His wife called him and found out what the reason was and when to heat up dinner.
The same situation: the spouse is late from work. His wife calls him at work and asks the boss what time he left his workplace. Asks his colleagues if he communicated with anyone during the working day. Upon returning home, the husband will face a scandal and a reprimand about selfishness.

Example No. 3. Personal space

Spouses enjoy spending time together: going to the cinema, attending social events or joint classes. If their interests diverge, then everyone calmly goes about their business alone or in the company of friends.
The spouses are forced to spend all their free time together, as one of them believes that this is an example of an ideal relationship. Any party's own interests and tastes are suppressed; meetings with friends in cafes and trips to football with friends are perceived as betrayal.

It is obvious that the behavior of the first couple is filled with love and trust, while the actions of the spouses of the second lack any common sense. The reasons for jealousy in all situations are far-fetched and are not determined by anything other than the desire of one of the spouses to completely capture the attention and freedom of the other.

Why jealousy occurs

Probably, many of us will agree that it is much more difficult to discern love in a person than jealousy. The first feeling is often hidden, people are afraid to open up. But as for the second one, this is where everything goes off the rails. If you get jealous, you get a scandal and reproaches. Intemperate people, no matter how hard they try, cannot hide their dissatisfaction and certainly want to tell their other half about it. And judging by the above examples from the life of the Kabanov family, we understand that an easy and flattering feeling can quickly turn into despotism and tyranny.

And sometimes constant accusations of infidelity literally push a woman or husband into the arms of another person. Why do you need to constantly make excuses and listen to insults for something you didn’t do? Since she’s guilty, then to the point. A strange, paradoxical situation. But it is betrayal with another that puts an end to family relationships. And even if the spouse forgives the betrayal, then there is no longer any need to talk about the former trust or sincerity. Now let's move on to a more detailed study of the main causes of jealousy.

Inferiority complex. If someone says that a jealous person suffers from low self-esteem, he will be absolutely right. But it is worth noting that a person can feel his own inferiority both consciously and on a subconscious level. Most often this manifests itself in the following moments: “He can find someone more beautiful than me”, “He is attracted to long-legged beauties”, “She can be carried away by a rich friend”, “She is attracted to strong, handsome men, but I’m not like that”, etc. .d.
Past life. If the other half had previous marriages, or the spouse had a long-term love affair, had lovers before the marriage, then in family life with the jealous person conflicts will arise every now and then. For example, a jealous husband will not miss a moment so as not to reproach his wife for her love of love and will immediately remind her of her long relationship with her former lover.
Involvement of third parties. People are structured in such a way that they cannot help but gossip about the family life of their friends. This is not to say that only the female half succeeds in this. Believe me, men will also not miss the opportunity to wash the bones of the wife of their close friend. It is especially painful for a husband to hear that his wife once dated one of them. Sometimes, in retaliation for the fact that she did not let her husband go fishing, insidious friends can make up a story about her ugly behavior in his absence.
No less guilty of family squabbles due to jealousy and girlfriends. Someone can talk like crazy just because they are jealous of the harmony in the relationship between a married couple. Well, mine doesn’t really work, doesn’t earn anything, but here they coo at you like doves, he gives her expensive gifts, he carries her in his arms. Also, a person who has not been able to arrange his family happiness can create intrigues against a couple in love. Not only is it enviable, but also so much anger has accumulated over one’s fate that one wants to destroy everything in one’s path. But of course, you don’t want to be lonely and unhappy alone, you need others to keep you company in an unpleasant and offensive situation.
Alcoholism. In this case, attacks of jealousy and rage arise due to the influence of alcoholic beverages. There is no need for any reasons here; the jealous person has already pictured everything in his imagination and is ready to attack his victim for no reason. It all starts with a small quarrel over drinking light drinks. Then the amount of alcohol increases, and the rage escalates. It comes to the point that the jealous person creates scandals with enviable regularity. In any case, his drinking sessions begin to be associated with scandal, insults, humiliation, etc.

Male and female jealousy

Despite the fact that jealousy is a feeling that occurs equally in men and women, it manifests itself somewhat differently, depending on the gender of the jealous person.

Let's consider how jealousy is experienced by men and women.

Male jealousy

Psychotherapists identify four internal and external factors on which male jealousy is built:

Low self-esteem . The man believes that his girlfriend can easily find someone else who will be a better match in terms of appearance or income.
Alcohol, drug or gaming addiction . According to psychosociological studies, it has been found that men with addictions are most often terribly jealous. An unbalanced mental state forces them to seek pleasure in the adrenaline rush from various kinds of risks, including passionate swearing.
Ownership instinct . Any communication and attention from the opposite sex, or even a woman’s desire to communicate with her friends, is perceived by a man as a violation of personal boundaries.
Companion's behavior . Often, a woman herself can provoke her partner to jealousy by flirting with strangers. Sometimes both partners perceive this as a kind of erotic game, but often this only angers the jealous person more.

Female jealousy

Female jealousy is characterized by the following manifestations:

Constant vigilance . This behavior can be compared to playing private detective: the wife constantly checks her husband’s phone for new contacts, creates fake accounts on social networks to “promote” him for cheating, and controls every minute spent outside the home and work.
Filtering friends . The husband's single friends are perceived by the jealous woman as potential tempters who can introduce him to girls. Married people seem to be a threat to their usual way of life, since the spouse may see that someone runs the house better than she does.
Public showdown . Scenes of jealousy in a store, in front of children, family, visiting, on summer vacation. No norms of social behavior will stop a woman who wants to put her “presumptuous” husband in his place.
Working like a rival . When her lover stays at work even for a short time, the jealous woman already begins to imagine scenes of a stormy love affair with a colleague in her head. Sometimes the situation reaches the point of absurdity, and the woman constantly occupies an important telephone line, stopping by the office “on the way” to check what her husband is doing. If a husband has a pretty assistant or secretary working for him, then a jealous wife will definitely find a way to “drive” a potential competitor out of her workplace.

A jealous person is a vulnerable, fragile and unstable person, regardless of gender. A person can overcome his condition only through self-analysis and long work on self-control.

Causes of jealousy in women

The reasons for a woman’s jealousy towards a man differ significantly:

Jealousy manifests itself when the spouse is characterized by increased vigilance. She literally imagines herself as a detective, trying to quickly find out what her husband was doing in her absence. Manifestation of jealousy - contact tracing, checking accounts on social networks, vigilant control;
Bachelors in the company of their husbands are a potential danger, as they can push their spouse to cheat. Therefore, a jealous wife does everything possible to destroy the friendship;
scandals arise regardless of the situation. A woman makes claims in front of other family members and strangers, for example, while visiting a store, club, etc. The main desire of a jealous woman is to show a man his place;
rejection of the fact that the husband’s work takes up too much time. Distrust is manifested by frequent calls, open hostility towards female colleagues, and unexpected visits to the company where the spouse works.

How to recognize a pathological jealous person at the very beginning of a relationship? 10 sure signs

Pathological jealousy is a trait that is best identified at the stage of “candy-bouquet” courtship. This will make it easier for you to break this connection in order to protect yourself from everyday “Shakespearean passions.”

Your lover is a pathological jealous person if:

It controls all aspects of your life : who you communicate with, where you go in your free time, what you do on social networks. Moreover, control is sometimes carried out undisguisedly, under the pretext that lovers should have everything in common.
It shapes your social circle . If he doesn’t like one of your friends or girlfriends, the jealous person will persistently convince you to stop communicating or even set up a conflict.
Any deviation from the usual everyday rituals is a sign of betrayal . If your phone died at the time when it usually rings, and the conversation did not take place. If you didn’t go to the nearest grocery store, but went to a shopping center. If you smiled welcomingly at a neighbor in the stairwell whom he had never met before. Whatever the outcome, your loyalty will be questioned.
It monitors your movements throughout the day . And this is not just sweet concern and questions about how you got home - this is manic pursuit. The partner knows what route you take, what taxi service you use, where you usually get coffee, and what your work schedule is. He knows all your phones and the phones of your immediate circle in order to contact you through them if you suddenly fall out of the “access zone”.
He asks you to prove your feelings by setting an ultimatum : “Either me or your hobby!”, “What is more important to you - me or your friends?”, “If you don’t stop communicating with him, it means you don’t care about me.” If you have heard these phrases, it means you are being manipulated.
He speaks unflatteringly about all his ex-girlfriends . He, without mincing words, speaks about their character and behavior. At this point, your potential partner will most likely try to convince you that you are not like that and will definitely understand him in order to consolidate his position with your sense of self-worth.
He is not confident in himself as a partner, but does not try to change anything . By manipulating "what if" phrases, he tries to make himself look more caring, but he doesn't actually do any of that. For example: “If I had money now, I would take you to the ends of the world,” “If I earned a little more, I would give you flowers every day.” Often with these phrases he exposes himself as a captive of circumstances or a victim of the machinations of other people.
He believes that monogamy is a relic of the past . But the rule only applies to him.
Frequent and dramatic changes in mood : from screams and threats, the jealous person suddenly switches to crying and pleas for forgiveness. From insults and contempt - to appeasement with gifts and vows of eternal love.
Suicidal manipulation : threats to commit suicide in case of separation or to kill you and your new lover are another favorite lever of pressure for jealous people.

If you feel that your partner is manipulating you, and communicating with him gives you moral discomfort, end this relationship. Don't think that "true love can fix everything."

These points apply equally to both men and women. Of course, in the blossoming of a romantic relationship, jealousy can seem like a sign of intense interest or even part of a game. But what will happen later, when the relationship becomes more serious? Will you be ready to live under constant control, to think through your every gesture and spoken word?

Why are we jealous?

Why does it happen that when your partner feels free, suddenly you have a feeling of insecurity, a feeling that you are about to be abandoned?

The roots are deep in childhood. We are talking about the feeling when a child first understands that his mother does not belong to him completely . Even in the womb, the child is closely connected to her by the umbilical cord. Then the first thing happens - birth trauma. First separation from mother. Over the next three years, the child remains in very close contact with the mother.

By this age, with normal treatment, he begins to understand that mother may go into another room, sometimes she may want to take a walk, sometimes she may want to talk on the phone. And over time, this merger stops and moves into other stages. This is a normal healthy process, this is how it should happen.

Of course, this separation and the recognition that we are two different people, me and my mother, will be associated with the next trauma - separation. In child psychology there is even a special construction that calls this period the “three-year crisis.” The child begins to separate from the mother. And what is important here is how the mother treats her child at this moment , whether she realizes that the time has come to move to another stage or continues to keep him in close connection. Or vice versa - at a time when the child still needs close interaction, he does not pay enough attention to him.

As a result, already in adulthood, the feeling that the partner is free will cause many painful reactions. Jealousy, envy, anger, indignation, irritation, indignation and many other negative feelings. In such states, you feel absolutely powerless and incapable of anything at all. These feelings can even lead to depression. It’s important to understand them, it’s important to look at them. And deal not only with superficial feelings , but with those that are there, deep inside.

What does jealousy lead to? Mental and physical problems

Constantly sorting out relationships based on jealousy can affect not only your mood, but also quite seriously spoil your quality of life.

Relationships in a couple become tense and nervous. The jealous person’s partner feels like he’s “on a powder keg”, expecting a new stream of reproaches and suspicions. This cools the ardor of love and, contrary to expectations, alienates lovers from each other.

It’s even worse when the couple’s child becomes a witness to scenes of jealousy. He cannot understand why mom and dad, who are supposed to love each other, scream and swear, completely ignoring him. This can seriously affect his psyche, making him closed, tense and complex. According to a sociological study, children who accidentally witnessed their parents' adultery carry their damaged trust through life. They are much more likely to experience difficulties in building harmonious relationships.

In addition, a jealous person, without suspecting it, can give his partner an attitude towards real betrayal. After all, receiving punishment for what you have done is not as unpleasant as constantly hearing accusations for something that happened only in the opponent’s imagination. Read more about guilt.

And finally, the fatal culmination is the breakup of the relationship. Sooner or later, even the most patient and understanding person will get tired of enduring hysterics and groundless reproaches.

As for the physical state, each outbreak of jealousy is a serious blow to the nervous, cardiovascular and respiratory systems.

During an outburst of jealousy, the brain experiences overload similar to the shock of hearing about the death of a loved one.

The immune system, under the pressure of constant emotional shocks, also weakens, as a result of which a pathological jealous person is at risk of developing the following diseases:

anorexia nervosa;
obesity or swelling due to hormonal imbalance;
frigidity/impotence;
stroke;
heart attack

What consequences should you expect from jealousy in a relationship?

Constant reproaches and suspicions significantly spoil relationships, forcing even couples with extensive experience of living together to break up. Jealousy brings tension into the family and contributes to the creation of an unhealthy nervous atmosphere. In this case, all family members suffer: the jealous person himself experiences negative emotions, the victim of jealousy experiences logical resentment for the lack of trust. But the biggest problem is that this situation in the family is also observed by children, who subsequently build their relationships according to the same models. Excessive jealousy and suspicion, lack of respect for the personal life of the other half causes the fading of love, disappointment, physical and emotional distance of partners. Frequent groundless nagging can provoke real betrayal or lead to a final breakup of the couple. At the same time, such a tense situation in relationships also threatens purely physiological problems, causing constant stress and anxiety and causing serious pathologies in the form of:

anorexia nervosa;
impotence/frigidity;
strokes;
heart attacks, etc.

Why are people jealous?

And now we will try to figure out what to do if you yourself are a pathological jealous person. Recognizing the problem is the first step towards fixing it. The second step is to understand its nature.

So where does this feeling come from? Why are you experiencing it? There may be several reasons for this:

You are afraid of loneliness . You hold on to relationships painfully, constantly comparing yourself to other girls/men. Deep down, you think that your partner could leave at any moment, realizing that there are people in the world more worthy of love than you. I recommend an article about why love leaves.
You dwell on the past . It is difficult for you to accept the fact that your companion had a serious relationship before you. Women tend to be jealous of their men who were previously married or in long-term relationships; men tend to blame their beloved for their former “lovingness.”
You lack attention . Your object of desire, due to his busyness and social involvement, cannot always spend time with you. Because of this, there is a feeling of deprivation and obsessive thoughts and fantasies about cheating.
You are susceptible to psychological "transference" . You experienced the betrayal of a loved one, saw your parents or close friends divorce, and now you regard every member of the opposite sex as a potential cheater.

Now that you know all the components of your condition, you can begin correction. Below is a detailed guide to action with which you can help yourself. I also recommend material on working with anxiety and anxiety.

Nobody belongs to anyone

I have news for you - no one belongs to anyone. And even if two people enter into a relationship, much less marriage, they become a family. Of course, in marriage their relationship implies certain property rights. But still, this is not about the right to own each other.

In fact, relationships develop, move forward, do not stand still, and evolve at different stages. And if you are stuck at the stage of “he is mine”, “this is mine”, sooner or later jealousy will arise. Jealousy contains a very large potential for strength, transformation, resourcefulness and love, and first of all for oneself. And the main task here is to develop this self-love, to develop self-confidence. Understand that everything is in order, that you are initially worthy and have the right to all the best in this life, you have the right to life itself.

And this right does not imply claims against other people, and confirmation of self-esteem at the expense of others.

The fight against jealousy and trust as the key to strong love

Many women and men have their own idea of an ideal romantic relationship. But only a small part of people understand that a lot of effort will have to be made to translate these ideals into reality. The key point is to work on mutual and unconditional trust.

Talk about your feelings . People, even those closest to you, cannot always intuitively guess what you like and what you don’t. If the words or actions of your lover somehow offend you, say so without scandal or emotion, and ask them not to do that. Be straightforward and frank. This is not the case when you should use transparent hints.
Learn to listen . When your partner begins to share his experiences with you, listen to him calmly and without emotion. The more information you learn, the easier it will be for you to work through the problem.
Learn to prevent a quarrel . You probably remember in what situations your significant other begins to get nervous and frown - so take advantage of this information. If you know that your beloved is worried when you are late at work, call and warn if necessary. Learn to explain yourself before they come up with an explanation for your behavior for you.
Feel free to ask questions . If you have any doubts or suspicions, ask about it. For example, if you want to know what your spouse did while you were on a business trip, ask him about how he spent his time. But remember that this should just be a conversation, not an interrogation. Also, don’t constantly bring up your partner’s past – it simply doesn’t make sense.
What will conflict bring me? Ask yourself this question every time you are going to raise your voice to your chosen one. Remember that a person who speaks politely, measuredly and sedately looks more dignified than one who breaks into shouting and swearing.
Be interested in the life and interests of your partner . For example, if your companion loves computer games, ask him to talk about what exactly attracted him to the game, about its plot, etc. You’ll see - he will appreciate this kind of attention, because everyone enjoys talking about something that is really close to him.
Don't try to change a person to suit you . Undoubtedly, partners must learn to coexist harmoniously and adapt to each other’s interests, but this does not mean a complete renunciation of personal freedoms. If your chosen one does not suit you at the initial stage, think about whether it is worth developing a relationship in which you will be uncomfortable?
Protect your personal space and respect your partner's right to be alone . Don't be rude or pushy. Learn to say: “I would like to be alone” instead of “leave me alone,” and also do not impose your company on your chosen one.
Don't lie and don't let yourself be deceived . Remember that untruths always come out. It is impossible to build healthy long-term relationships on lies, even for good.
Be grateful . Say thank you to your partner for both small and big things. When your actions are appreciated, you want to do them again and again.
Focus on your common features : these could be tastes in art, literature, common hobbies and jokes.
Do something together : cook, go shopping, watch movies, go for a walk. After all, community and mutual understanding are what made you fall in love with each other.
Praise : for a deliciously prepared dinner, a promotion, a nailed shelf, or even just because your other half looks good. Everyone is pleased when their efforts are noticed.
Don't criticize publicly . Personal life is “personal” for that reason, because what happens in it should concern only partners. If you have accumulated complaints against your spouse, talk in private, but never sort things out in front of children, relatives or guests.

Hugging, holding hands and simply touching each other more often. Psychologists have proven that tactile sensations affect the degree of trust between partners.

Jealousy - what is it and how to get rid of it? Part 1

Friends, who among us has not experienced such a feeling as jealousy at least once in our lives? Someone from time to time “feels its pricks”, and someone “covers it with a wave.” Someone begins to appreciate their partner more, and someone becomes angry and is ready to kill an unfaithful woman or a cheater. Some people are tormented by the pangs of jealousy themselves, while others direct all their bitterness towards a partner or rival (tsu), poisoning their lives. Some people are inspired by suffering to create songs and paintings, while others destroy their lives by drowning this pain in alcohol. This is such an ambiguous and multifaceted feeling. Let's try to understand the nature of jealousy, its varieties and ways to cope with it.

WHAT IS JEALOUSY? We are jealous not only of our lovers, but also of our friends, our children, our parents, even our colleagues and boss. The main question that haunts us is: “Why did you prefer the other? So, in your opinion, am I worse? ! " This question terrifies someone at the prospect of being rejected and left alone, while in another person it awakens righteous anger for such injustice towards him. But both the first and the second experience pain and humiliation at such moments. There is a common thought - “if he is jealous, it means he loves.” But, if you think about it, it turns out that jealousy is not a “companion” of love alone or a manifestation of a sense of ownership, as many authors write. After all, you can be jealous of a person for whom you have no love feelings or claims. For example, jealousy arises towards a colleague whom you saw having a cup of tea with another colleague, although you usually go on break together. Or when you find out that your friend invited another friend to the theater, not you. And it’s not that you are “inseparable”; maybe you only see each other once a month. But the very fact that they preferred someone else unpleasantly hurts and causes jealousy: “I thought we were friends! " Or another example - a beauty surrounds herself with admirers because she likes to be the center of attention and be the object of admiration. At the same time, she gets jealous if one of her fans suddenly speaks well of any other woman. There is no love here, but there is jealousy. Jealousy is a feeling that is directly related to our self-esteem. The actions of people around us who hurt our self-esteem and demonstrate disdain for us and preference for others can provoke an attack of jealousy. Even just suspicions that this could happen can plant seeds of jealousy in our soul, which are very tenacious and quickly sprout. If this person is kind of the only one for us - a spouse, parent, child, best friend - that is, someone whom we have endowed with a special status among those around us and expect the same special attitude towards us, then jealousy will be experienced especially strongly. Jealousy is a mixture of fear, pain and anger due to betrayed trust, due to ingratitude in response to our special treatment, for humiliation of our dignity. “How could she do this to me? ! What did I do to deserve this attitude? ! " There are many different reasons why a person becomes jealous of another: Ø Jealousy - fear of losing someone due to self-doubt and low self-esteem Ø Jealousy - resentment for lack of attention to oneself with high self-esteem, self-centeredness Ø Jealousy - the desire to control everything the steps of a loved one, to feel power, submission to oneself. A textbook example is the jealousy of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Considering that the love of a son for his mother and the love of a husband for his wife are two completely different feelings, quite capable of coexisting in the heart of one man, then the jealousy of a mother and wife towards each other is a struggle for influence and submission to their will, and not for love. Ø Jealousy – protection of property. It occurs, for example, in marriages of convenience, where a high-status spouse “buys” a wife—a fashion model or an actress—as an expensive, beautiful thing, which he then shows to others as a trophy, emphasizing his “coolness.” Here jealousy often takes cruel forms of humiliation and beatings. Ø Jealousy is envy of the happiness of others, of a more successful rival or rival. This feeling occurs if the beloved (beloved) has left for another. Then the person torments himself with jealousy, tracking through social networks or mutual friends what is happening in this couple. Ø Jealousy – as a manifestation of the character traits “suspicion, distrust”, which under unfavorable conditions can develop into paranoia. One of the manifestations of such pathological jealousy is jealousy of the past - “you already had someone before me, I’m not your first” or “I’m not as beautiful as your ex, I suppose you still love her” Ø Jealousy - as a projection of one’s desires onto a partner. This is a type of psychological defense in which a person unconsciously attributes to another his desires, which he is ashamed or afraid of. For example, a man himself cheats on his wife, so he is afraid that this is also possible on her part. Or a person begins to have obsessive fantasies about sex with someone outside of marriage and he struggles diligently with his imagination, afraid of committing adultery. “But if such a desire arose in me, then it can come to my wife. I control myself, but can she cope with her temptation? " And the jealous person, sometimes without even realizing it, begins to secretly notice everything that could somehow feed his suspicions. Ø Jealousy is a reaction to the provocative behavior of a partner, who constantly provides food for jealousy - flirting with others, excessive playfulness, secrets and understatement. Sometimes this is manipulation in order to maintain the partner’s interest in oneself, “to make one fall in love with oneself more.” But this game is extremely risky. Jealousy is not a manifestation of love , rather the opposite. Love gives a person a sense of his value to another, openness and trust. And jealousy is a manifestation of hostility towards a person: suspicion of deceit and duplicity, humiliating control and checks, gross violation of personal boundaries, open demonstration of disrespect by attempts to “bring it out in the open.” We usually experience such feelings towards our enemies or people we don’t like, “suspicious types,” would you agree? This certainly does not speak of love, but rather of attempts to subjugate a person to oneself, neutralize him and prevent him from encroaching on the most sensitive thing that we have - our pride and self-esteem. THE ROOTS OF JEALOUSY A child first begins to experience jealousy in childhood. This feeling arises in a child when adults often compare the child with other children or simply do not pay their child the attention necessary at his age, being busy with younger brothers/sisters, immersed in work or in their own complex adult relationships (when the family is problematic). Then the child begins to be jealous of his parents for other children, for other people who “steal his mom/dad.” On the basis of jealousy, the first neurotic complexes can form - the Oedipus complex, the Electra complex, when a child is jealous of a parent of the opposite sex. Children's jealousy tends to disappear when they receive a certain amount of parental attention. If this does not happen, then suspicion and self-doubt are formed, which will contribute to the frequent manifestation of jealousy in adulthood. Jealousy can also be provoked by excessive parental care when the child gets used to being the “center of the universe.” Then jealousy will manifest itself as a result of inflated self-esteem and the incorrect attitude that other people are simply obliged to give him attention and care. Therefore, jealousy will arise as a reaction to the fact that someone is violating his “sovereign right” to always be the center of attention. Another option is when jealousy is instilled from childhood - children observe this behavior in their parents. In this case, jealousy is fixed as a model of normal behavior in marital relationships, as a “manifestation of love.” VECTOR OF JEALOUSY DIRECTION Depending on the type of personality and upbringing, people direct their jealousy to different objects. Most often, jealousy spills out on the one who is jealous. Love begins to transform into its opposite until it turns into hatred. The jealous person begins with suspicion and gradually loses control over himself, not noticing that he is already striving to insult and humiliate, in any way to cause suffering to his “object of love and jealousy.” He turns a once-loved person into an object of persecution and revenge, often explaining all this with an ironic-sounding declaration: “After all, I love you so much! " At the same time, this persecution can be sophisticated and veiled, or it can be simple and rude in the form of constant scandals, and even beatings. The second version of the scenario is that all anger and rage are directed at someone who is a real or imaginary opponent. Then the loved one is perceived as an innocent victim of an insolent tempter or an insidious temptress. And the jealous person himself acts as a Noble Protector - a Knight or as a Mother, protecting her “Child” from attempts at corruption and seduction. In both cases, the Beloved (Beloved) is unconsciously assigned the role of a wordless and weak-willed person who does not decide anything, but only follows the desires of others - a kind of calf on a string. Agree that the role is quite humiliating and assumes that the only one who will decide how you live and with whom you communicate is your Jealous Partner. The third development option is possible when a person is very unsure of himself, dependent, accustomed to looking for the reasons for his troubles within himself and his behavior, or brought up in such traditions that jealousy is considered a great vice. Then jealousy turns into self-flagellation and self-criticism. A jealous person begins to pursue his love object with obsessive attention, attempts to earn love, endless “Do you love me? " An even darker option is when a person torments himself with thoughts that he is unworthy, does not deserve love, and life is over. Such thoughts sometimes lead to suicide. Sometimes, however, this is just a declaration of intention to “commit suicide”, an attempt to manipulate your partner and “prove to him/her” that “no one will love you as much as I do!” You are the whole meaning of my life.” This blackmail can be repeated regularly if the “victim of jealousy” supports this game and makes concessions. Perhaps someone is flattered by such “devotion,” but in most cases it traumatizes the person, weighs him down with responsibility for the life of another in the literal sense, and makes him fear that any wrong step could cause the death of the person dependent on him. We’ll talk about the physiology of jealousy, what health consequences it leads to, and how you can get rid of it in the second part of the article.