How to stop being jealous and beating yourself up and finding peace in your soul

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Harmonious relationships are a very delicate matter, you need to learn to possess them, to take everything for granted. Unfortunately, it is difficult to talk about love and happiness if destructive thoughts clog your head. But what to do if emotions overwhelm you and you lose control over the situation? How to stop being jealous and beating yourself up?

In the article we will talk about relationships, we will find a couple of excellent ways to find peace and self-confidence, which will lead to a harmonious and happy relationship without blowing your mind. Fortunately, experts in the field of psychology have long found various solutions to problems, so it will not be difficult to quickly recover from jealousy.

Jealousy is the biggest killer of relationships and happiness.

Why are people jealous? And then they consider the object of their desire their property, that they are the ones they cannot give away to anyone. This tendency has a very sad effect on the object of jealousy; he is constantly under stress if jealousy manifests itself openly. If a person does not have a strong guilt complex, the relationship is more likely to end quickly and even having children will not stop it.

Guide to Changing Yourself.pdf

Just imagine that you are constantly being accused and controlled; how long will you tolerate this attitude? If a person wants to change, he will find ways and will not be caught red-handed. But being jealous for no reason is a psychological disorder of inferiority that just needs to be healed, accepted and loved.

An example from life: I have a friend, he got married at 29, she is 25, she is jealous of everything, even at work (small business) when communicating with an accountant. He says change your job so you can communicate less with women. Constantly pulls him back if the girl looks in his direction. How long do you think this lasted? But now all the relatives on the girl’s side consider him a goat and a cable after the divorce. Is this normal? The answer is obvious.

How to stop being jealous?

The fight against jealousy can be divided into three stages. Each of which requires careful study. However, over time, the realization will come that the game was worth the candle. After all, jealousy is often destructive. It absorbs all positive emotions, stifles and has a destructive effect on relationships.

So, the stages of dealing with jealousy:

• Awareness
• “ Recognize the need to get rid of excessive jealousy
  . It is impossible to fight an invisible enemy. You need to know him by sight. It is for this reason that the most important step towards overcoming unreasonable jealousy is recognizing it as a problem.
• “Understand the real reason.” Jealousy is a strong emotion that arises for certain underlying reasons. We are not talking about the specific situation that caused this feeling. Not about your partner’s actions, but about your own feelings that stimulate the nurturing and cultivation of jealousy. It could be the fear of losing a lover or girlfriend. Selfishness. Or low self-esteem. Or something else. It is important to understand what it is. Then it will become clear in which direction to move. What kind of “illness” needs to be thoroughly worked with?
• "Admit". The object of jealousy must understand what is happening. To do this, you should honestly, without unnecessary emotions and hysterics, tell him about your experiences. Talk calmly. Give examples of situations and describe your feelings. At the same time, it is important not to overstep the boundaries. The conversation should not turn into a scandal to find out who is right and who is wrong.
• Work on yourself
• Increase self-esteem. According to statistics, it is problems with self-esteem that are the main causes of attacks of jealousy. Inadequate perception of one's own personality leads to incorrect conclusions about the feelings and actions of a partner.

Increasing the importance of your personality in your own eyes will give you confidence. It will make you believe that you are worthy of your companion. It will eliminate unnecessary doubts.

Psychologists suggest following the following recommendations to increase self-esteem:

1. Get rid of unfounded self-criticism. Love yourself. Accept your own shortcomings. Focus on the advantages. Don't dwell on failures. Believe that you deserve to be happy. Meditation is particularly effective at this stage. It is with its help that it is possible to reconcile the mind and feelings.

1. Find the root causes of low self-esteem and work through them.
2. Keep a diary of personal achievements. Long-term plans should be written down in it, goals and objectives should be set. Record even small victories and achievements.
3. Affirmations . Positive attitudes have a beneficial effect on thinking. Able to reboot consciousness in a positive way.
4. Take care of your health and appearance. Good health and attractive appearance are the key to excellent mood and self-confidence.
5. Showcase your strengths. It wouldn’t hurt to think about what exactly “clicks” your man into you. Character traits? Manners? Sense of humor? Whatever it is, we need to show it off more often. Here you can get mutual benefits. On the one hand, you please your partner. On the other hand, you receive positive emotions in response, which will have a beneficial effect on you.
6. Get busy. Perhaps only a lazy humorist - a man - did not joke about women's idleness. And it’s not in vain. A woman is truly capable of doing a lot with nothing to do! And to create a scene of jealousy out of boredom is a piece of cake. You have to get your emotions somewhere! Therefore, it will be extremely useful to find something you like. This could be as simple as going to the gym or starting your own business. Even baking cakes at home. It is important to occupy yourself and your thoughts with something other than the object of adoration. Instead of suffocating control, take care of yourself and give him some air.
7. Find a way to safely release destructive emotions.
   These could be heart-to-heart conversations with a close friend. Thematic forums where you can share painful issues with like-minded people and get advice. Or the same gym. Negative emotions are destructive, so you need to find a place where you can give them an outlet.
8. Working on relationships
9. Trust. Of course everyone has a past. Many people have personal negative experiences. Or stories from friends or girlfriends about the betrayal they experienced. This all leaves its mark. People are becoming more careful and suspicious.

But we must not allow the past, even a very painful one, to influence the future. It is wrong to “punish” new relationships for unsuccessful past ones.

In the end, what needs to happen will happen anyway. And vice versa. But instead of enjoying each other, “accumulating” happy moments and positive emotions, some manage to do nothing but drown in searches for the catch in everything.

No need to think about it. “Hanging out” on someone else’s phone. Play Mr. Holmes, constantly looking for non-existent clues. It's depressing. And you. And a partner. And this could be the beginning of the end.

Rephrase . If the desire to control everything and everyone still turns out to be stronger than common sense, then at least try to choose your expressions.

You shouldn’t start throwing questions out of the gate with hints of claims about where your beloved has been. There is no need to immediately make accusations without even hearing the story.

Instead, show concern. Be sincerely interested in how your day went. What's new. How is your mood and well-being? Stay in touch, but don't be intrusive.

Spend interesting time together. Go to friends' houses together. Organize joint events, trips to the cinema, cafe or other things.

Nobody wants to sit at home all day in front of the TV, alone, even with the person they love most. It gets boring sooner or later.

Think about how you can make your time with you truly unforgettable.

Let's be positive. There are enough difficulties and unpleasant emotions for everyone in everyday life. When returning home or going to a romantic meeting, the last thing a person wants is to receive a new portion of negativity.

Instead of being associated with yet another problem, become a “beam of light.” Charge! Inspire! Give back! These are the emotions you want to reach for. Be filled with warmth and happiness.

Give freedom. Often it is the restrictions that provoke the search for someone with whom you can breathe deeply. Don't become a burden. Don't choke yourself. Give the person the opportunity to make their own decisions. Feel needed, but not obligated. Loved, but not in a cage.

Male jealousy

Typically, male jealousy manifests itself much more strongly than female jealousy and can easily develop into a pathological stage. For a man who is ready for a relationship, it is very important to continue his family line and children come first for him, so if he is jealous, it means that there is, somewhere, a deep fear that someone else is vying for his place.

Naturally, all this comes from ancient times from the Stone Age, when the main task was food and reproduction, so that humanity could continue to survive. Usually, either those who were strong or those who could bring food reproduced, so if a man feels jealous, it means he feels insecure that he will not be able to feed his family and another contender will take his place.

Read more: What to do if you are sad and want to cry?

Pathological male jealousy and self-doubt can develop into revenge and, perhaps, this is the saddest manifestation.

General information about jealousy

American psychologist Carroll Izard interprets jealousy as one of the most powerful, destructive and painful feelings, which is accompanied by emotions of anger, fear, and helplessness. This is a reaction to the threat of the collapse of partnerships under the influence of imaginary or real rivalry.

• Jealousy is closely related to primitive instincts and the element of competition, competition. The specificity of the phenomenon is that jealousy can arise both against the background of tangible competition, and, conversely, against the background of jealousy one can begin to see competitors everywhere.
• How would you react if I said that even international, political, economic and other wider sections of society are permeated with jealousy? It is closely related to suspicion and intolerance (including national and economic). In a broad sense, any career ladder is built on jealousy. Titles, awards, prizes are invented in order to evoke the spirit of competition.

Interestingly, the topic of jealousy is rarely discussed in professional literature. Poets, artists and other creators often write about this affective feeling. But this is a completely different approach to the problem of jealousy. I suggest you look at this from the perspective of personality psychology and family relationships. Jealousy is an affective feeling of passion (a pronounced destructive habit with lust), combined with a readiness to act or release.

Be more jealous to neutralize jealousy

Let's say your psyche suffers from uncontrollable jealousy, so let's give it control. Try to consciously start being jealous of everything, just start being jealous of everything with more force. Take things to the point of absurdity, laugh at yourself, just don’t tell the object of your jealousy about it. The more jealous you are, the less you want to be jealous, everything is simple here.

The main task is to do this consciously, for example: tell yourself, now I will be jealous of my spouse for everything, for 10 minutes, for everything, even for myself. By the way, it’s interesting, can a person be jealous of himself? I have a suspicion that such an absurdity can happen.

What do we end up with? We get mental nausea from the manifestation of jealousy and, most importantly, awareness of emotions. Yes, this is good, but there are other interconnected things that need to be addressed.

Three reasons for jealousy

It seems that another stereotype misleads people - they say that only insecure people are jealous. Of course, this is far from true. Jealousy is a destructive feeling that is common to many. Do you think Monica Bellucci, who seems to be a recognized standard of beauty, was jealous of her husband? How many incredible beauties, smart girls, stars were eaten up by jealousy, and perhaps not unfounded. Even a strong-willed person can find himself in this trap.

In each specific case, the reasons for jealousy may be different. Remember the tragic ending of Ostrovsky’s “Dowry”: “So don’t let anyone get you!” In men, such hypertrophied jealousy occurs many times more often. They have a greater sense of possessiveness than the female half.

Another reason is the fear of being funny in the eyes of the public. Many women are afraid not of the fact of their loved one’s betrayal, but of the fact that those around them will find out about it, and gossip, rumors, laughing behind their backs - this is the worst thing that can happen. If you honestly admit to yourself that the issue is precisely the fear of being ridiculed or being vulnerable, then the issue is definitely not about your loved one, but about your undeveloped self-sufficiency. Why does the opinion of strangers, who don’t decide anything in your destiny, weigh so heavily on you? It’s worth thinking about this, maybe it turns out that many of your problems stem from the topic “What will people say?”

Another reason for jealousy is emotional dependence. This means a person’s dependence on the intensity and brightness of events in his personal life. People say that you want action. For some, the peaceful, calm life is downright annoying; give them Latin passions and showdowns. This fuels these very relationships; it is no secret what reconciliation follows after all these squabbles based on jealousy. If this format suits two people, well, perhaps this will last a lifetime, and the couple will happily live this life together. But if someone suffers from this type of relationship, the couple is doomed. It is exhausting, and someday your patience will be exhausted. As a rule, the second one, the one suffering, simply leaves for a more predictable, even relationship.

Correct self-esteem is the path to happiness

When you show emotions of jealousy, you humiliate yourself in relation to the object of jealousy, think badly about yourself and are afraid of losing, then manipulation turns on: if I am jealous, then he is guilty and you try to impose a feeling of guilt on the object.

This is a standard manipulation to try to bind you to yourself. Here you want to swear loudly and for a long time, isn’t it obvious that this model of behavior does not work? It’s clear why our divorce rate is high. But rather than complain, let's solve problems as they arise.

Where does jealousy come from? The nature of this feeling

Jealousy is a natural biological reaction that is caused by the instinct of self-preservation.

The first feeling of jealousy arises in childhood, when we begin to be jealous of the attention of our parents (mainly the attention of the mother). This is due to the fact that a small child is very weak in the aggressive outside world and needs care and attention. The child is afraid of not receiving enough attention, because if the mother stops taking care of him, he will die. Therefore, the child will be jealous of his parent, because he wants all the care to belong only to him - this will allow him to survive!

After a person grows up, he reaches a new level of jealousy. We begin to build relationships with the opposite sex and want all the attention of our other half only for ourselves. The root of this feeling lies very deep in our unconscious. But why did people have this feeling in the first place and why is it necessary?

Let's take a common example from life: there is a girl who is dating a man. They have love, passion and feelings for each other. Naturally, they have sex. Evolution does not know about such a thing as a condom, and nature perceives any sexual intercourse as potential fertilization and the birth of children. If she suddenly finds out that her man is dating another woman, then jealousy will flare up in her. But why?

Because if a man’s attention and resources are directed not only to her, but also to another woman, then she and her child (who should potentially be born after sex) will not receive additional resources and care from their man. And a woman in ancient times was very defenseless, especially in a state of pregnancy. Therefore, it was extremely necessary for her to eliminate her competitor and tie a man to her. If she does not do this, she and her offspring face death.

Now it’s the 21st century, there are a lot of contraceptive methods, and besides, in the modern world, a woman with a child will not die of hunger. But nevertheless, the instincts of our ancestors remained, because they were formed over millions of years, and we have been living in a civilized society with an abundance of food for only a few centuries. Therefore, jealousy is genetically embedded in us.

We have already found out that jealousy is an ancient mechanism that we inherited from our ancestors. But jealousy has one problem - it makes us weak.

In a state of jealousy, our logic turns off and we begin to act emotionally, make a bunch of mistakes and lose the ability to soberly assess the situation. The feeling of jealousy broke a lot of destinies. Many people were imprisoned because of her, and even more were killed. In a word, jealousy is bad.

If we do not learn to control this feeling, then life will be much more difficult. In addition, overly jealous partners provoke betrayal with their jealousy. After all, the forbidden fruit is always sweet, besides, the one who is jealous is in a losing position and demonstrates low value.

Vadim Kalantarov Blog author

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IMPORTANT!

If you are having difficulties in a relationship and need help, write me “+” in VKontakte messages. I will assess your situation and suggest a possible solution to the problem.

Write to Vadim

Vadim Kalantarov Blog author

More about me

IMPORTANT!

If you are having difficulties in a relationship and need help, write me “+” in VKontakte messages. I will assess your situation and suggest a possible solution to the problem.

Write to Vadim

I also recommend reading: Polyamory - what is it? In simple words (Opens in a new tab)

Jealousy is an internal pain that breaks relationships

Let me guess, any of your relationships go in circles, according to a certain scenario, the more you love, the more pain you experience, the fear of betrayal and disappointment. Which leads to constant stress and the risk of serious illness. And this happens all the time, like a broken record.

The only correct solution to deal with the problem of jealousy is to find the root, which lies deep in childhood. If you find the root cause, the problem will go away forever and restore trust in the relationship.

In 30 minutes I will guide you through all the conditions that are responsible for jealousy and we will find the root cause of jealousy and understand what to do with it so that it no longer exists in your life.

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