Fear of loneliness, how to get rid of the fear of loneliness

It is natural for people to live in society; they all want to feel the love and care of loved ones and respect from other people. But not all relationships bring benefits to a person; various addictions and toxic connections do not have the most positive effect on the psyche.

In most cases, traumatic relationships are continued by those who are afraid of loneliness. They are ready to value any people and any relationships. But such people can be helped, or rather, they can help themselves and get rid of the fear of loneliness in a few simple steps. Below are ways to get rid of the fear of loneliness.

Remove negative attitudes

The fear of loneliness appears in childhood, or from negative adult experiences. When a child does not have the best relationship with his parents, he inevitably develops unwanted attitudes that affect his life. They appear because parents try to manipulate their child through their relationship, most often for educational purposes.

For example, when a child receives emotional coldness from a parent for a bad grade. Children do not think in perspective, so they perceive such behavior as eternal alienation. After this, he will try to return everything as it was, since the emotional connection with his parents is very important for him, and in the future he will be afraid of such alienation, afraid of loneliness.

Consolation in children

It is obvious that all of us, both men and women, are afraid of breaking up relationships and are afraid of loneliness.
This anxiety accompanies us throughout our lives: from the moment of birth, when the child leaves the mother’s body and sees that he is left alone, until death, with which he will also have to be left alone. Trying to overcome this fear, we strive to avoid loneliness: first we look for our other half, then we get married, and then we think about adding to the family. But if a woman, with the birth of a child, is fully realized and forever fills the void around her with maternal love, then this is not enough for a man. He will not be able to compensate for his fear at the expense of his children, since he does not have the same emotional and spiritual closeness with them as his mother does. Therefore, our hero has no choice but to seek salvation from this anxiety in the arms of his beloved woman. Now imagine how a man feels when the relationship he values so much collapses before his eyes? Yes, he is afraid that he will not meet anyone better and will be left alone. And if at 25 years old this will only bother him a little, then at 40 it will become a serious problem. Despite the fact that children cannot seriously help a man cope with the fear of loneliness, they are certainly an important and integral part of his life. Our hero takes care of them and protects them with pleasure, gradually turning into their best friend. But a man, no matter how wonderful a father he is, learns the art of being a parent from his wife. It is she who helps him integrate into the family process and establish a deep emotional connection with the children. And what will happen now that his beloved has left him? Who will help him communicate with children? These questions haunt the man, aggravating his already depressed state.

There was an illustrative case in my practice. I was approached by a young man who had been cheating on his wife for several years in a row, but had no intention of leaving her. Until that moment, he managed to hide this affair from his wife and convince his mistress that very soon everything would change and they would be together. But everything secret, as we know, becomes clear - one day the mistress got tired of being on the sidelines, and she decided to tell her lover’s wife about everything. As a result, the deceived wife left her husband, and he abandoned his passion. Only then did the man feel guilty and wanted to return to his family, but, unfortunately, it was too late.

This character, like any other representative of the stronger sex, is afraid of a change in lifestyle. He greatly values his cozy space, comfort, care, and guardianship that he received upon marriage. It’s a paradox, but only 3–4% of men actually leave their family for their mistress, since they are more attached to the place and not to the woman.

The fear that a loved one can always leave is necessary for a man to maintain a relationship. And if a woman understands that her feelings have cooled a little and they need a shake-up, she should take advantage of this: make her hero jealous, show him that she can also please others. But the main thing here is not to overdo it! A man should not feel threatened or insecure about the reliability of the relationship. For him, the main thing is stability. If you go too far, instead of an ardent lover, you risk getting a jealous tyrant who will start drinking or cheating.

How to recover from such attitudes?

You need to mentally return to the situation in childhood that caused moral trauma, but as an adult. Then, in your imagination, you need to provide the child with everything that he was deprived of in reality. Similar sessions should be carried out until the injury disappears.
You shouldn't focus on your injuries and their causes, you need to become a good parent for yourself. That is, to provide an adult with everything that a child did not receive at one time.
Forgive all those who cause trauma.
Try to create positive attitudes for yourself.

These few steps allow you to heal mental traumas formed in childhood and get rid of the fear of loneliness. In some cases, it takes time, but if this does not work at all, then it is better to visit a psychologist who will give more specific advice and help get rid of the fear of loneliness.

How to overcome the fear of loneliness

When dealing with any fear, you just have to face it. By identifying the cause of your phobia, you can take a fresh look at the situation and reevaluate your experiences. Perhaps the granted loneliness is not a punishment at all, but, on the contrary, a gift of fate. This is freedom that you have the right to use exclusively for your own personal pleasure. To accept and overcome the fear of loneliness, we advise you to try the following.

Assess your importance

Nothing makes us as weak and susceptible as low self-esteem. Of course, you shouldn’t consider yourself better than everyone else. However, it is difficult to perceive life without self-love and respect. This is where the fear of loneliness arises. A person who does not love himself feels uncomfortable alone with himself, as if he is not loved. This is not strange, because in fact he treats himself this way. Re-evaluating your importance will help you get rid of this.

Write down or identify your best and worst qualities. This will help you understand what kind of person you are and what you need. Once you know yourself, your inner world, you will understand your value.
Ask your friends or family what they see in you. Maybe you yourself don’t notice how beautiful you are.
Define for yourself the meaning of the word “loneliness.” Its scale can be interpreted in different ways. Suddenly your situation is not so global. Otherwise, you will know what exactly your fear is and can learn to overcome the emotions it causes.
Do something interesting. Even if you don’t feel like it, still try to entertain yourself. Watch a movie, TV series, go to the cinema, go shopping, have a spa treatment. Do something yourself that will bring you pleasure and energy, rather than looking for it on the side.

Take care of your health

Problems with emotional health make you want to lean on someone's shoulder, get support and help. Nerves can make a woman feel weak and unwell. Men are rarely ready to take on the role of “comforter” or “nurse”. In order to rid yourself of thoughts of loneliness or even uselessness, it is better to get your nerves in order, learn to enjoy little things, and not just be sad. Yoga, gymnastics, breathing practices, herbal medicine and other sports will help with this.

Solitude should be pleasant

Many people perceive loneliness in a negative way, as if it is not natural and normal people cannot be alone. But loneliness is not so bad, to understand this, you need to take the next step.

You need to make being in your own company enjoyable. For example, invite yourself to a cafe or restaurant, dress appropriately, sit at a table and have a great time. It doesn’t have to be a cafe or restaurant - any establishment, an outing into nature, or an evening with a book. The main thing is that in the end the person is satisfied with how he spent his time. Just doing what you love and having minimal contact with the world is the whole secret.

What to do if I'm afraid of loneliness

To begin with, of course, throw all complexes and stereotypes out of your head. Still, a person has the right his life as he sees fit - after all, he is the one to live this life, and not someone else. Yes, you will have to work with your dependence on other people’s opinions and develop your own - this is a necessary stage of personal maturity. We’ll have to take a closer look at the stereotypes themselves - are you sure that you agree with them and want to sacrifice your life to this idol?

To make the task easier, let me remind you that only we have the stereotype that a woman must certainly not be alone, as well as social pressure on this matter - a legacy of Soviet times with their collectivism. In the West, for example, the choice of a way of life has long been a personal matter, and any choice is good, as long as he likes it.

And then the mental work begins. Accept the idea that there is nothing wrong with being alone. There is no need to hide from yourself the melancholy and suffering from loneliness or the fear of being alone, but, accepting this state, you need to stop justifying it and feeling sorry for yourself. It’s better to redirect my soul searching - what exactly am I afraid of, afraid of loneliness, and what do I really want, striving for non-loneliness?

If you search, you will find behind romantic tears a passive position of waiting for something (someone) from the world that will solve your problems, and a stubborn unwillingness to take care of yourself. Needless to say, with this mindset, problems never get solved. But they can be solved on their own - you just need to change your perspective: this is not a problem, but a task , or even an opportunity .

Being alone has a lot of advantages: for example, you can do what you want... Do you want anything other than to love and be loved? - What a problem! And not just trouble, but self-deception. Because there is no such thing as “loving and being loved.”

But what is there, or rather, what do you want? The imagination draws idyllic pictures - from romantic courtship to a cozy house with children, which we are so fond of showing in commercials as symbols of female happiness. But what's behind these pictures? - pleasure for your loved one. It is this state of pleasure that we dream about (we can just as easily dream about a gourmet dish), and not at all about relationships as such.

No, there is nothing wrong with pleasure. But turning other people into a way to get pleasure is somehow... ugly, wouldn’t you agree? And these people are unlikely to like it. This is not to mention the fact that there is also life, which cannot consist of romantic pictures and pleasures. There is so much more to life that meets us in every relationship.

And where is love, actually, in our dreams? Love takes care of the other - and this other also has his own feelings, desires, interests. However, sometimes behind dreams there is a desire to dissolve in another person and live his life, which is also passed off as love, although in fact it is simply an inability and unwillingness to live one’s own life.

Here we come to the most important thing - getting rid of the fear of loneliness can bring its own life. A life that is meaningful, full, realizing growth and development, adorned with the joys of discoveries and achievements, giving gifts of abundance to others... In general, no matter how you look at it, you can’t do without personality development and self-actualization again.

We need to get rid of high expectations

It’s a secret for many, but, in fact, a person is alone throughout his life; no one can live in his heart or head. He will experience all his emotions, all the joy and pain alone, while others can only rejoice or sympathize for him. Relationships between people are nothing more than an exchange of energy; they cannot relieve real loneliness.

Therefore, you should not expect from the people around you that they will be able to fill the emptiness in your soul, since this soul does not belong to them. Inflated expectations prevent you from seeing the real purpose of relationships - to make life brighter and richer. If you realize this and stop assigning tasks that are beyond their ability to others, then soon healthy relationships will appear between the person and the people around him.

Getting rid of the fear of loneliness is necessary to establish normal social relationships; by doing this, a person will move through life more confidently and without unnecessary worries.

Do you feel lonely? Contact our psychologists!

The psychologist told how to get rid of the fear of loneliness

Many people are so painfully worried if they do not have a partner or friends that they happily agree to relationships with those who are categorically not suitable for them. But this joy quickly evaporates: it is impossible to close your eyes for a long time to the fact that you are not understood, used, or even more so, offended. But the fear of loneliness prevents you from ending an uncomfortable relationship. Therefore, his victims can suffer for years with toxic partners and endure dubious friends... How to free yourself from the fear of loneliness, which forces you to betray yourself, said psychologist Sergei Ermakov.

Fear of loneliness: true and imposed

“When I hear the phrase “fear of loneliness,” I first of all try to understand what the person means. In a literal and psychological sense, fear of loneliness is a state when people are afraid to the point of panic to be alone, because they find themselves in a difficult life situation, have experienced loss, or have been subjected to violence. Sometimes the fear of loneliness is a manifestation of mental illness. But most of those who talk about the fear of loneliness are sad that they do not have a partner, children, or friends. If you dig deeper, you often find that these people are frightened by the idea that they do not correspond to the social norm: they look strange and unattractive in the eyes of others,”

– the specialist explains the difference.

Why do many people feel uncomfortable and awkward about revealing their “single” status to others? “The modern World, at the level of slogans, literally screams that you need to communicate as much as possible, have a wide range of contacts and connections, be interesting, attractive, and be in a relationship. A striking example is advertising: everywhere they call on everyone to buy a car, go on a trip, buy another smartphone to be in touch with the whole World, and share their photos and videos left and right. Who needs it and why? Of course, trading companies to extract maximum profits. How to get people to spend money? Through vivid images, convince them that they will be able to do what they want, when they want, and will not be cut off from potential partners and friends if they do not skimp on this or that product,”

– says Sergey Ermakov.

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Dosed communication with a few is the norm

In reality, very few of us crave constant rich communication and interaction with others, and this is normal. “In general, a healthy social circle is 3-7 people,” the psychologist clarifies. But due to the fact that their lives do not correspond to the images created by marketing, a huge number of people begin to cheat themselves and see a problem where there is none.

Where does this lead? Often - to persistent attempts to find a couple, friends at all costs, to start communicating with someone in spite of everything. People ignore their real needs and conditions, fall into a zone of discomfort and overstrain. For example, they force themselves to visit people with whom they are uninteresting and tiring, and return home frustrated and irritated due to wasted time.

“Remember that your resources are limited and find the best use for them,” -

calls the psychologist.
Make a habit of analyzing your states in private, assessing the volumes and forms of interaction and communication that you really need. If you feel it is enough for you to see one of your friends once every six months, do not force yourself to meet more often. “You always need to start from the beginning, and the beginning for a person is himself, the “assemblage point” is always inside, and not somewhere outside.
Therefore, it is not always necessary to act as is customary. Violence against oneself can be costly,” emphasizes Sergei Ermakov.

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Don't focus on yourself

People subject to the imposed fear of loneliness are very vulnerable. They risk forming a couple with a person who is obviously unsuitable or even potentially dangerous (capable of violence, physical harm, murder); have children, although the role of a parent is not close to the person and is not needed; get into companies prone to addictive and criminal behavior, and also become a victim of scammers (on the same dating sites).

What should such people do to change their condition? First, seek help from a specialist to examine your condition and understand how it can be corrected.

Secondly, look for options for communication and interaction not only with people, but also with an infinite number of other species living around - with nature. So, in the forest you can communicate with trees, ponds, birds and other animals that live there. “Yes, this communication is not in the usual format of dialogue in human language, but it is just as real and no less enriching, creative and helpful,”

– Sergey Ermakov is sure. After all, what leads to tension and the emergence of all sorts of fears and obsessions, such as the fear of loneliness among modern people immersed in the artificial infrastructure of cities? Self-obsession and denial of the breadth of options.

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Combine fear with interest

A person can be afraid of loneliness if he lacks contacts with other people, and self-doubt and fear of communication prevent him from establishing them. In this case, the main recipe is to switch from the idea of fear to the idea of cognitive interest. The starting point is interest in your body, health, abilities, and capabilities. “Such interest can be expressed in everything that helps expand a person’s knowledge and experience about himself: in a basic familiarization with anatomy and physiology, systematic physical training, healthy eating, regular examinations with doctors,” -

the psychologist lists.

Based on self-interest, interest in the World, in other people, in new classes and activities arises. “When starting a search for information about something, a person inevitably comes to interact with other people, because it is impossible to know everything and understand everything by yourself,”

– explains the specialist.

Interest and fear are not mutually exclusive. Moreover, interest with elements of fear leads to movement and change, but fear without interest excludes the possibility of any real change. “Suppose a person is afraid of loneliness, but he is not interested in understanding where this fear comes from and how to overcome it. A person does nothing, and when you do nothing, there will be no result, but loneliness will remain,”

– warns Sergei Ermakov.

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Remember that failure is inevitable

It can take years, or even decades, to find a congenial person, be it a partner or a friend. “Be prepared for the fact that not every experience will be successful. And to put it bluntly, only a small fraction of the experience will be truly positive. But it’s more than enough to never remember the fear of loneliness,”

– says the psychologist.

And he explains why: “When you finally meet your soul mate and can enjoy communication with someone who speaks the same language as you, you will feel a surge of strength and vigor. The fact is that positive experience causes the production of “happiness hormones” (endorphin, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin), which bring the body into an optimal physical and mental state. And most importantly, a person’s perception and attitude towards the World changes.”

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So, if you have not had friendly communication for a long time, and then it appears and persists, the fear of loneliness is gradually erased, because it is no longer in the perception filter. Previously, you only knew that friendship in principle exists, but now you proceed from the fact that it is available to you - as they say, feel the difference.

“Attempts to build personal and friendly relationships often fail, so it is better to prepare in advance for the fact that refusals and dead ends are inevitable. Treat them not as an epic tragedy, but as an everyday occurrence. It is known that the best treatment is prevention. But if failure has unsettled you, turn to the methods that have always helped you recover in the past. It could be anything: walks in the forest, favorite food, training, interaction with animals, drawing, dancing. The main thing is that the options are healthy and safe,”

– Sergey Ermakov summarizes.

Fear of loneliness in women

Autophobia is especially pronounced in females who are accustomed to attention and dependent on other people. Girls who depend on parents, boyfriends and other life circumstances are more susceptible to it. If due to factors they have to remain alone (injuries, illnesses, leaving the team, financial decline), they either close down or try to become more positive and find new areas of communication, because in most cases no one wants to be alone.

Many guys are also overcome by these fears, but it is usually easier for them to find a circle of friends; they do not need to settle down early and have children, but should “walk up.” Social networks contribute to this, but they lead to dissolution in the illusion of communicating with interlocutors on the Internet. For women, the fear of loneliness comes down to the fear of being lonely and wasting time - spending their youth alone and not having a family.

In some cases, fear in women may be caused by anuptaphobia - the fear of getting married. This may be preceded by anxiety about being left alone, not being able to cope with routine responsibilities, horror at the responsibility of bearing, giving birth and caring for offspring, and fear of relationships with men. While others have a fear of celibacy, which can be provoked by prejudice, self-doubt, a negative example of an unhappy marriage or a single mother. This fear of loneliness is called eremiphobia.

Is it possible to solve the problem of loneliness?

Not judging yourself for being lonely is an important first step. Blaming and scolding yourself for being lonely is ineffective and wrong, at least from the point of view that such feelings in the absence of significant connections are completely normal. Today's mobile and emotionally charged society may have increased the challenges of forming and maintaining relationships, so accepting that loneliness is part of the human condition can help channel energy toward finding a solution.

Some psychologists suggest that the roots of deep loneliness are associated with a lack of love in early childhood. Sometimes deep loneliness is accompanied by physical differences or mental disorders that lead to discrimination and isolation. Loneliness can also be caused by negative teenage experiences, such as being bullied in school, according to other scientists. Loneliness in childhood appears to be associated with loneliness in adulthood, including increased sensitivity to it.

Unfortunately, there is no one good recipe or path for moving from feeling lonely to feeling satisfied with your social life, but there are general ideas that seem to work. The first step is accepting yourself and how you feel without judgment. The second is contacting a specialist.

Finally, if you are new to the feeling of loneliness, it may be difficult to understand how devastating the experience can be. In this sense, we can all make the world a little better by being kinder to people who are alone - whether it is their conscious choice or not.