Adequate self-esteem in a child: what role do parents play?

Formation of self-esteem in a child

A child's low self-esteem makes him very vulnerable and sensitive. Such children often find themselves in awkward situations. It is this character trait that causes shyness and timidity. Due to low self-esteem, the child cannot stand up for himself and defend his opinion. Some parents want to raise an obedient child so much that they raise indecisive and complex children. It is difficult for such children to achieve success in life, set goals and go towards them. They think they can't do anything and don't believe in themselves. To prevent this from happening, you need to change your attitude towards the education process. Forming a child’s self-esteem is a very important operation.

Advice from a psychologist “How to increase a child’s self-esteem” consultation (grade 1) on the topic

HOW TO INCREASE A CHILD'S SELF-ESTEEM?

Psychologist's advice

The success of human life, in addition to objective circumstances, is also influenced by the level of self-esteem, which begins to form in the preschool period under the influence of the child’s environment, primarily parents. Self-esteem is a person’s assessment of his capabilities, qualities and place among other people.

Child's self-esteem.

A healthy atmosphere in the family, the desire to understand and support the child, sincere participation and empathy, a sense of psychological security - these are the components for the formation of positive adequate self-esteem in the child.

A CHILD WITH HIGH SELF-ESTEEM may believe that he is right in everything. He strives to control other children, seeing their weaknesses, but not seeing his own, often interrupts, treats others down, and tries with all his might to attract attention to himself. From a child with high self-esteem you can hear: “I am the best.” With inflated self-esteem, children are often aggressive and belittle the achievements of other children.

If a CHILD'S SELF-ESTEEM IS LOW, most likely he is anxious and unsure of his own abilities. Such a child always thinks that he will be deceived, offended, underestimated, always expects the worst, and builds a defensive wall of mistrust around himself. He strives for solitude, is touchy, and indecisive. Such children adapt poorly to new conditions. When performing any task, they are set up for failure, finding insurmountable obstacles. Children with low self-esteem often refuse new activities for fear of failure, overestimate the achievements of other children and do not attach importance to their own successes.

Low, negative self-esteem in a child is extremely unfavorable for the full development of the individual. Such children are in danger of developing the attitude “I am bad”, “I can’t do anything”, “I am a loser”.

WITH ADEQUATE SELF-ESTEEM, the child creates around himself an atmosphere of honesty, responsibility, compassion and love. He feels valued and respected. He believes in himself, although he is able to ask for help, is able to make decisions, and can admit that there are mistakes in his work. He values ​​himself, and therefore is ready to value those around him. Such a child has no barriers that prevent him from experiencing a variety of feelings towards himself and others. He accepts himself and others as they are.

►IF YOU PRAISE, IT IS RIGHT

Of great importance in the formation of a child’s self-esteem is the interested attitude of an adult, approval, praise, support and encouragement - they stimulate the child’s activities and form moral habits of behavior. Physiologist D.V. Kolesov O. If a child does not receive timely approval during an activity, he develops a feeling of insecurity.

However, you also need to praise correctly! Understanding how important praise is for a child, it must be used very skillfully. Vladimir Levi, author of the book “The Non-Standard Child,” believes that there is no need to praise a child in the following cases:

1. For what was not achieved through one’s own labor - physical, mental or spiritual.

2. Beauty and health are not subject to praise. All natural abilities as such, including good character.

3. Toys, things, clothes, random finds.

4. You cannot praise out of pity.

5. Out of a desire to please.

► PRAISE AND ENCOURAGEMENT: FOR WHAT?

1. It is important to remember that absolutely all children are talented in their own way. Parents should be more attentive to their children in order to find the talent inherent in the child and develop it. It is important to encourage any child’s desire for self-expression and development. Under no circumstances should you tell a child that he will not become a great singer, dancer, etc. With such phrases, you not only discourage a child from wanting to do anything, but also deprive him of self-confidence, lower his self-esteem, and reduce motivation.

2. Be sure to praise children for any achievements: for good grades at school, for winning sports competitions, for a beautiful drawing.

3. One of the methods of praise can be an advance, or praise for what will happen. Approval in advance will instill in the child faith in himself and his strength: “You can do this!” “You can almost do it!”, “You can definitely do it!”, “I believe in you!”, “You will succeed!” etc. Praising a child in the morning is an advance for the whole long and difficult day.

Vladimir Levi advises remembering the child’s suggestibility. If you say: “Nothing will ever come of you!”, “You are incorrigible, you have only one road (to prison, to the police, to an orphanage, etc.)” - then don’t be surprised if this happens. After all, this is a real direct suggestion, and it works. The child may believe in your attitudes.

►TECHNIQUES TO INCREASE A CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM:

1. Ask for advice as an equal or elder. Be sure to follow the child’s advice, even if it is far from the best, since the educational result is more important than any other.

2. Ask for help as a peer or elder.

3. There are moments when an all-powerful adult needs to be a junior - weak, dependent, helpless, defenseless... from a child!

Already at the age of 5-7, this technique, used from time to time, can give miraculous results. And especially with a teenager, in a mother-son relationship - if you want to raise a real man.

► PUNISHMENTS: RULES FOR PARENTS

Not only encouragement, but also punishment plays an important role in the formation of self-esteem. When punishing a child, you should follow a number of recommendations.

1. Punishment should not harm health - neither physical nor psychological. Moreover, punishment must be useful.

2. If there is doubt whether to punish or not to punish, do not punish. Even if they have already realized that they are usually too soft and indecisive. No "prevention".

3. One punishment at a time. The punishment can be severe, but only one, for everything at once.

4. Punishment is not at the expense of love. Whatever happens, do not deprive your child of your warmth.

5. Never take away things given by you or anyone else - ever!

6. You can cancel the punishment. Even if he acts so outrageously that it couldn’t be worse, even if he just yelled at you, but at the same time today he helped the sick or protected the weak. Don't forget to explain to your child why you did this.

7. It is better not to punish than to punish belatedly. Belated punishments instill in the child the past and prevent him from becoming different.

8. Punished - forgiven. If the incident is over, try not to remember the “old sins.” Don't bother me to start living again. By remembering the past, you risk creating in your child a feeling of “eternal guilt.”

9. No humiliation. If the child believes that we are unfair, punishment will have the opposite effect.

TECHNIQUES FOR NORMALIZING A CHILD’S HIGH SELF-ESTEEM:

1. Teach your child to listen to the opinions of people around him.

2. Treat criticism calmly, without aggression.

3. Teach to respect the feelings and desires of other children, as they are just as important as your own feelings and desires.

►WE DO NOT PUNISH:

1. If the child feels unwell or is sick.

2. When the child eats, after sleep, before bed, during play, while working.

3. Immediately after mental or physical trauma.

4. When a child cannot cope with fear, inattention, mobility, irritability, or any shortcoming, making sincere efforts. And in all cases when something doesn’t work out.

5. When the internal motives of an action are unclear to us.

6. When we ourselves are not ourselves, when we are tired, upset or irritated for some reason...

7. Child's self-esteem. Children's club ABC

FOR THE DEVELOPMENT OF ADEQUATE SELF-ESTEEM IN A CHILD

✔Don’t protect your child from everyday affairs, don’t try to solve all the problems for him, but don’t overload him either. Let your child help with the cleaning, enjoy the work done and receive well-deserved praise. Set feasible tasks for your child so that he can feel skillful and useful.

✔Don't overpraise your child, but don't forget to encourage him when he deserves it.

✔Remember that in order to form adequate self-esteem, both praise and punishment must also be adequate.

✔Encourage initiative in your child.

✔Show by example the adequacy of your attitude towards successes and failures. Compare: “Mom’s pie didn’t turn out well - well, that’s okay, next time we’ll put more flour.” Or: “Horror! The pie didn't work out! I will never bake again!”

✔Do not compare your child with other children. Compare him with himself (what he was yesterday or will be tomorrow).

✔Scold for specific actions, not in general.

✔Remember that a negative assessment is the enemy of interest and creativity.

✔Analyze his failures together with your child, drawing the right conclusions. You can tell him something using your example, so the child will feel an atmosphere of trust and understand that you are closer to him.

✔Try to accept your child for who he is.

GAMES AND TESTS

I suggest you get acquainted with some games that will help determine the type of self-esteem of your child, as well as form and maintain an adequate level of self-esteem in him.

✔Test “Ladder” (“Ten steps”)

This test is used from 3 years of age.

Draw on a piece of paper or cut out a ladder of 10 steps. Now show it to the child and explain that on the lowest step there are the worst (angry, envious, etc.) boys and girls, on the second step - a little better, on the third even better, and so on. But at the very top step are the smartest (good, kind) boys and girls. It is important that the child correctly understands the location on the steps; you can ask him about this.

Now ask: on what step would he stand? Let him draw himself on this step or put a doll. Now you have completed the task, all that remains is to draw conclusions.

If a child puts himself on the first, 2nd, 3rd rung from the bottom, then he has low self-esteem.

If it is 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, then average (adequate).

And if it’s on the 8th, 9th, 10th, then your self-esteem is too high.

Attention: in preschoolers, self-esteem is considered too high if the child constantly puts himself at the 10th level.

✔"Name" (N.V. Klyueva, N.V. Kasatkina)

This game can provide additional information about a child's self-esteem.

You can invite your child to come up with a name that he would like to have, or leave his own. Ask why he doesn't like or like his name, why he would like to be called differently. This game can provide additional information about your baby's self-esteem. After all, often giving up one’s name means that the child is dissatisfied with himself or wants to be better than he is now.

✔"Playing out situations" (N.V. Klyueva, Yu.V. Kasatkina)

The child is offered situations in which he must portray himself. Situations can be different, invented or taken from life. Other roles during the enactment are performed by one of the parents or other children. Sometimes it is useful to switch roles. Example situations:

You took part in the competition and took first place, and your friend was almost last. He was very upset. Help him calm down.

Mom brought 3 oranges for you and your sister (brother). How will you divide them? Why?

The guys from your group in kindergarten are playing an interesting game, and you are late, the game has already started. Ask to be accepted into the game. What will you do if the children don't want to accept you? (This game will help your child learn effective behavior patterns and use them in real life.)

Try to be more attentive to your children, encourage and praise them, spend more time together, and you will help your baby become happier, fill his life with bright colors. I believe in you!

Types of self-esteem in children

There are 3 types of self-esteem: normal, overestimated and underestimated.

1. Normal. The child adequately evaluates himself and his behavior is expressed in the following:
   there is no fear of trying new things;
2. can find a solution to a problem on his own, but if it doesn’t work out, he knows how to ask for help;
3. admits his mistakes and corrects them;
4. normal communication with peers.
5. Overpriced. The child overestimates his importance. Inflated self-esteem is expressed in:
   egocentrism;
6. painful perception of criticism;
7. attracting attention in any way;
8. aggression in communication with peers, desire to humiliate others.
9. Low self-esteem is characterized by:
   anxiety and self-doubt;
10. shyness;
11. distrust and fear of being deceived;
12. isolation and touchiness;
13. negative mood.

People with high self-esteem

Of course, people with high self-esteem deep inside themselves, perhaps even unconsciously, having the highest opinion of themselves, feel dissatisfaction with themselves. Often their relationships with the surrounding society are ambiguous and complex due to their arrogance and arrogance, and sometimes even aggressiveness.

With manifestations of inflated self-esteem, an individual is prone to self-praise, to emphasizing his own importance, and to disrespect towards others. The goal is self-affirmation at the expense of others, the opinion: “I am the best, and everyone else is nothing.”

Extremely painful reactions to any more or less significant criticism, perceiving it with undisguised aggression. The desire for total superiority over everyone and the desire for recognition of such superiority.

Features of children's self-esteem

Features of the formation of self-esteem in children depend on age. Therefore, mom and dad need to monitor changes in the baby’s behavior.

In preschool children, self-esteem is sometimes high. This is due to the fact that kids are just learning to evaluate themselves. And under the enthusiastic exclamations of parents, it is difficult to do this adequately. If parents find a middle ground between compliments and scolding, their son or daughter’s self-esteem will return to normal.

At primary school age, the educational process plays a large role in the formation of self-esteem. The baby's environment changes, and self-esteem changes along with him. Academic performance is also important. After all, before his work was not assessed in any way, but now there are grades, points or stars that must be met.

At middle school age, children are accustomed to evaluating themselves adequately. They grow up and learn to analyze their behavior. But at the same time, there is a risk of low self-esteem. Because the child turns into a teenager, and he may have problems communicating with peers and family.

At high school age, low self-esteem is common. At this time, many events occur: preparing for exams, first love, entering adulthood, fear of the future.

Why do self-confidence and narcissism develop?

Self-confidence and narcissism are the results of upbringing. While wanting the best for their child, parents can make mistakes that then affect the child’s entire life. It could be:

1. Excessive indulgence. This often happens with “late” or only children in the family. Already in the first months of life, the baby learns to interact with his mother, and then with other adults. If parents allow themselves to be manipulated, then children take advantage of this, which first manifests itself in whims and hysterics. Gradually the child gets used to the fact that he is the center of the Universe.

He feels uncomfortable and inferior if he does not receive proper attention. If this is not corrected later, then such children grow up infantile and even slightly hysterical. They can achieve success only when they have outstanding talent. However, they may lose it due to their capriciousness.

2. Excessive demands. The second extreme is harsh upbringing, when the child is required to be the very best in everything. Gradually, the pursuit of success becomes paramount, and any failure leads to breakdowns and depression.

At the same time, a person does not strive to improve, but simply goes ahead, using all methods to achieve the desired goal. Often such upbringing forms a narcissistic personality type, in addition to narcissism, characterized by excessive selfishness, indifference to other people and their problems, and vanity.

Thus, behind self-confidence and narcissism lies vulnerability, and sometimes a deeply hidden feeling of inferiority. That is why these are characteristics of low self-esteem, which is hardly the shortest path to success.

Low self-esteem in a child. How to get it back to normal?

1. Find something he is good at. So that he can see his results, introduce a system in which the child receives certificates or prizes.
2. Throughout the day, record your child's accomplishments. For example, he helped prepare dinner, cleaned the room, got a good grade at school. Before going to bed, read the list.
3. Allow him to make small decisions on his own. This could be the choice of clothes or breakfast. Let him see that he can influence his own life.
4. Tell him that you love him more often. Surround with care and attention. In this case, the moral side of the issue is very important. The baby won't be able to cope without your support.

Inflated self-esteem in a child. How to get it back to normal?

1. Be careful with your compliments. Excessive approval will negatively affect the baby’s behavior.
2. Teach your child to respect other people's opinions. Let him understand that his point of view may not coincide with someone else’s, and this is in the order of things.
3. Use constructive criticism to guide your conversation sometimes. The child must understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that the consequences of their misdeeds should be taken into account.

How to build adequate self-esteem

Some parents ask how to increase their child's self-esteem. There are several tips for this. And remember, the self-esteem of a preschool child is not much different from the self-esteem of a teenager. A child of any age should be approached with care and attention.

1. Teach your child to notice the good. For example, play this game with him. In the evening, ask him to remember 5 good things that happened to him during the day. It doesn't have to be something big. A delicious lunch at school or an A on a test is enough. In this way, the child will notice that there is a place for good events in his life.

2. Give your child freedom of choice. If the baby shows independence, he will understand that much in his life depends on himself. Consult with him on small things: what to cook for dinner, what movie to go to the cinema. But do not confuse freedom of choice and permissiveness. Parents should make decisions about the most important things.
3. Stop swearing. They say correctly that words can hurt. If you have a conflict with your child, there is no need to blame him or give vent to rage. Better calm down and discuss the problem. You should not use the word “guilty”. Replace it with “responsibility”. Instead of “You are to blame,” say “Any wrongdoing has consequences. We need to be responsible for them."
4. Don't demand more from your child than he can do. Consider the age of the child, his capabilities and your desires. A five-year-old baby will not be able to look after a baby, but a teenager will succeed. If a child cannot do something due to his age, he will be upset and think that he is good for nothing. Although in reality he just needs to grow up and learn.

5. Teach your child to say “No.” Some adults have a problem that they cannot refuse others. They always agree with everyone because they have a weak will and no strong character. To prevent your child from becoming the same, teach him from childhood to refuse people if necessary, and to defend the boundaries of personal comfort. It is necessary to explain to the child that if he refuses people, this does not mean that he is bad. Explain to him that there is a difference between “keeping a promise” and “always agreeing with everyone.” A son or daughter must realize that first they need to assess the situation, calculate their strength and time, think about the consequences, and only then give an answer.

High and low self-esteem

Self-esteem is an individual’s personal idea of ​​himself, his personal capabilities and his role in society. In the case of a person’s excessive self-confidence, it speaks of his exaggerated self-esteem, when he sees himself as not real, but fictitious. He perceives reality through the prism of his own exaggerated significance.

With an inadequately exaggerated self-esteem, a person does not take into account anyone, neither friends nor family, his personal cult becomes his own originality. However, such an attitude towards the world may well hide personal self-doubt; such an attitude is the essence of a shield from the outside world.

To bring personal self-esteem back to normal, it is highly advisable to adhere to a number of rules

When talking, you should try not just to listen to your opponent, but to actually hear him. You cannot think that your interlocutors are making exclusively incorrect judgments; in fact, they may have a much better understanding of certain areas, because one person, in principle, cannot be an expert in everything. Abandoning the principle of not making mistakes actually allows you to gain truly valuable experience.

Give up the goal of proving anything to anyone at any cost. If you didn’t achieve what you wanted, you should understand the situation and not fall into a depressive state. It is important to realize the true reasons for your failures, without trying to blame them solely on society or external circumstances.

It is necessary to put at the forefront the fact that ideal people practically do not exist, and that you are also not absolute perfection, having, among other things, shortcomings, which you should work on recognizing and correcting, and not hiding from them.

When an individual is extremely critical of himself, his low self-esteem manifests itself. This is manifested in the belittlement of personal achievements and achievements, virtues and positive traits. Low and high self-esteem most often comes from childhood, when parents made mistakes in raising their child. Low self-esteem may also be the reason for the influence of the surrounding society on an individual, causing a derogatory attitude towards oneself.