Low self-esteem, high self-esteem: why are both bad?

The importance of self-esteem in a person's life

Self-esteem determines the level of success in all areas. Every decision or action depends on the size of your ego. If it is underestimated, a person is afraid to try something new. It's hard to unlock potential.

A person suffering from narcissism is willing to take on a difficult task. He firmly believes that he will accomplish it. If the “narcissist” fails to complete a task, he blames his colleagues/grading level/unfair conditions.

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Features of self-esteem affect the following areas of your life:

• relationship with a guy or girl;
• achievements at work;
• financial sector;
• sexual contact;
• relationships with relatives, colleagues, friends.

Others treat you the same way you treat yourself. If, in your opinion, a man married you out of pity, over time he will be visited by the same thoughts. Girls with high egos think they did a favor by getting married. The guy will either succumb to this mood, becoming henpecked, or break off the relationship.

The ability to position yourself is the secret to success at work. But don't overdo it. Inflated self-esteem will alienate colleagues.

People with an adequate assessment of their own body do not have problems in their intimate life. They are relaxed, not focused on themselves, but feel their partner.

Low level of self-esteem

Signs of low self-esteem appear at any period of life, but the inclinations are formed in childhood. This problem occurs frequently in society and interferes with the normal existence of a person. A person with low self-esteem doubts his attractiveness and capabilities, and is afraid of causing laughter and rejection from people. Strong touchiness and envy often manifest themselves. A person risks not realizing his potential due to indecisiveness and shyness.

What are the signs of low self-esteem?

Signs of low self-esteem are as follows:

• Negative phrases in speech. “Maybe”, “hardly”, “not sure”. A person may not realize how often he says these words, but they indicate his attitude towards life;
• Frequent bad mood. A person often thinks about his shortcomings, criticizes the country and the people around him, hiding a bad mood behind cynicism;
• Perfectionism. It manifests itself in excessive attention to appearance, the desire to be better than others in everything;
• Loneliness. Fear of new acquaintances, avoidance of communication;
• Fear of risks. Even if a person is offered a promotion at work, he may refuse due to fear of not living up to expectations;
• Guilt. A person with low self-esteem can take the blame on himself, apologizing to everyone, even if the situation concerns him indirectly;
• Low initiative. In a dispute, a person will not prove a point of view, and will give the assigned task to someone else at the first opportunity.

A person with a low level is prone to loneliness.
If almost each of the listed signs of low self-esteem can be traced in behavior, you should think about taking active steps to solve the problem.

How low self-esteem affects our lives

With low self-esteem, an individual does not appreciate his efforts and talents. He will settle for less with more potential. Such a person is often surrounded by people who criticize him, and he does not stop communicating with them. No attempts will be made to improve the quality of life because there is a lack of self-confidence. A person believes that he deserves such a life.

How to deal with low self-esteem?

To get promoted you need:

1. Identify character strengths. Positive affirmations, if they are not true, are not always beneficial. It is better to define attitudes that emphasize actual character traits. Do not underestimate reliability, tact, responsibility, even if it seems that these qualities are less recognized in society than the ability to easily find a common language. It is important to accept your own sides of personality and learn to appreciate them;
2. Try not to allow self-criticism. All people react negatively to failure and humiliation. But an individual with low self-esteem will significantly exaggerate the situation. You should imagine that the failure happened not to you, but to a friend. You need to write him a letter to cheer him up and console him. Try to show kindness, care, empathy. Then describe the event based only on facts, without emotions. You need to understand that a person with an underestimation of himself may react incorrectly to the facial expressions of others, accidentally heard snippets of phrases that are not relevant to the matter. He often interprets even words about himself incorrectly. You should try to analyze an unpleasant situation as dryly as possible;
3. Take action. Affirmations and visualization will not help you increase your self-worth without active action. You should start with a not very difficult task. It is important that if you fail there are no serious consequences. To begin with, it is worth collecting as much information as possible about solution methods and forming an action plan. Then calmly and step by step begin solving the problem.

Levels of Inflated Self-Esteem

In psychology, there are two classifications of self-esteem.

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Division depending on type:

• relevant – depends on achievements;
• partial – based on the results achieved in specific types of work;
• potential - depends on innate talents.

There are three options for assessing yourself:

• adequate;
• understated;
• overpriced.

Self-assessment tests will help determine your level. Psychologists use the Budassi technique. Four columns with a set of qualities are presented. Each part of the test reflects one area of ​​life: communication, behavior, activity and emotions. The subject circles the qualities that are important to him. Look through them again and put a tick next to those that are typical for him.

The psychologist counts the number of real and ideal character traits. Based on this criterion, the level of self-esteem is determined:

• low;
• below the average;
• average;m
• above average;
• high;
• inappropriately high.

The syndrome of inflated self-esteem corresponds to the indicator “inadequately high.”

Above average

People who rate themselves above average adequately correlate their talents and abilities. They strive to accomplish realistic goals.

There is self-criticism. Such a person does not have conflicts and prefers to resolve issues in a reasoned manner.

High

A person with high pride is critical of himself. Such people have a particularly developed sense of self-esteem. They respect themselves for their merits and achievements.

People with above average self-esteem are more likely to notice their own shortcomings than those with high self-esteem.

Inappropriately high

People with inappropriately inflated pride idealize their own image. He does not notice character flaws and overestimates abilities. Sets inadequate goals and does not pay attention to failures or the path to achieving them.

Self-criticism is not typical. The comments of others are perceived as nagging. There is a conflict mindset.

Inflated pride is a step into the abyss of illusions.

What are the types of self-esteem?

There is a common misconception that self-esteem can be low or high. This is not entirely true. In fact, self-esteem can be adequate or inadequate. But inadequate is already divided into inadequately low, inadequately high and unstable, when a person is thrown from side to side - from the feeling of his greatness to the feeling of being a complete insignificance.

Adequate self-esteem is when a person really evaluates his abilities and personal qualities, and is aware of both his shortcomings and advantages. A person with adequate self-esteem can admit his mistakes and work on them, develop his strengths and minimize the manifestation of conditionally negative qualities.

Since he really evaluates himself and sets challenging goals for himself, he achieves in life much of what he has set out for. Which guarantees the stability of his self-esteem. Even if failures occur, such a person critically assesses the situation, draws conclusions and moves on.

In the case of inadequate self-esteem, everything is completely different.

If self-esteem is inadequately low , a person does not believe in his own abilities, his level of aspirations is low. And the most offensive thing is that objectively a person can be talented, good-looking, and have a high level of intelligence, but self-esteem is not equal to real indicators. Self-esteem is formed in childhood and in this case it simply does not correspond to reality. That's why she's inadequate.

It seems to a person that everyone around him is better than him, he constantly compares himself with others and, paradoxically, always finds someone who will prove to him his inconsistency and inferiority.

A person with low self-esteem is prone to feelings of jealousy. After all, we are jealous not out of great love, but out of fear that there is someone better than us. This is unconscious competition with the person we are jealous of.

In the case where self-esteem is inadequately inflated , the story is different, but no better. Ambitions are prohibitively high, as is the level of aspirations, but there is nothing underneath them. Here a person wants all the best - and everything would be fine if our desires were fulfilled simply because we wanted.

Faced with failure, a person with inadequately high self-esteem does not see his mistakes and mistakes and, accordingly, does nothing to correct them. He simply blames others for failure. And he also compares himself to others. The problem here is that no matter how wonderful a person is, there is always someone better at at least something.

And therefore, constantly wanting to be better than someone, a person inevitably suffers. His self-esteem depends on external factors that are changeable. He just bought a new car, and his neighbor has already bought a plane, and that’s it - his self-esteem has been shaken. As soon as someone appears on the horizon who has surpassed him in positions that are significant to him, the person immediately feels insignificant.

Adequate self-esteem is stable and does not depend on external factors: a person does not compare himself with anyone, he knows what he is like, and he does not need confirmation from anyone. He has something to rely on within himself. The healthiest position.

If a person considers himself smart enough, he will never feel like an idiot even in the company of doctors of science. He realizes that he cannot know everything, and his self-esteem will not suffer from this.

Causes

Self-esteem is a component of character. Partially it is laid before birth, transmitted with genes from the mother and father. The other part is developed during life under the influence of upbringing and environment.

The reasons for low self-esteem are similar: improper upbringing, reproaches from teachers, appearance that does not meet recognized standards of beauty.

Upbringing

Self-esteem changes during adolescence, and the foundations are formed in early childhood, thanks to the adequate attitude of adults towards the child.

Teenagers with inflated egos grow up in overprotective families. If relatives always emphasize the uniqueness of the child, they cultivate narcissism in him.

Focus on both achievements and mistakes. This way the child will learn to realistically assess his potential and will avoid such mistakes in the future.

Unreasonable positive attitude of teachers and teachers

Teachers tend to find favorites. This will not necessarily be the smartest student. Appearance, sweet smile, manner of conversation - a teacher who does not know a student well is captivated by these qualities.

The student considers himself chosen. In the future, narcissism is expressed more strongly and goes beyond the walls of the educational institution.

Lack of self-testing

Having adequate self-esteem throughout life can lead to becoming a “narcissist” at an older age. This happens when a person suddenly fulfills his own dreams.

He easily enters and graduates from university and finds a prestigious job without any problems. There is confidence in your uniqueness and outstanding abilities. It inflates your ego. And when failure occurs, it is perceived as a personal insult and injustice.

Appearance

People with model appearance tend to consider themselves superior to others. This is especially evident among women. A woman's self-esteem is largely determined by her appearance.

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It is easier for such ladies to get a job and find a partner. Not testing your abilities further increases your self-esteem.

Financial security

When a person does not need anything and gets everything he needs without difficulty thanks to finances, self-esteem goes through the roof. The more money, the easier it is to achieve your goal, the stronger your pride.

Having a rare natural talent

A rare talent increases the distance between a person and others. Such an individual considers himself different from others. If at first this is visible only in the sphere of activity of a narcissistic person, over time, inflated self-esteem determines all actions and decisions.

Signs of low self-esteem

Since it is always difficult for a person to objectively evaluate himself, let's look at the characteristic signs that indicate that he has low self-esteem.

• Constant dissatisfaction with yourself, your work, family, life in general;
• Constant self-criticism and soul-searching;
• Increased sensitivity to criticism and comments from other people, strong reaction to criticism;
• Strong dependence on the opinions of others;
• The desire to act in accordance with common stereotypes, the search for approval from others, the desire to please everyone, the desire to justify one’s actions to others;
• Indecisiveness, fear of making mistakes, severe frustration and feelings after making a mistake;
• A strong feeling of jealousy, especially without reason;
• A strong feeling of envy of the successes, achievements, and lives of other people;
• Constant grievances, incl. for nothing;
• Dissatisfaction with your appearance;
• Hostile attitude towards the surrounding world (everyone around is an enemy);
• Constant feeling of fear and defensive position;
• A pronounced pessimistic attitude.

The more of these signs you find in yourself, the more you should think about how to increase your self-esteem and gain self-confidence.

Problems and difficulties arise in the life of absolutely any person, but the difference in their perception is important. A person with low self-esteem perceives all temporary problems as permanent, as his “hard fate,” and therefore is always negative and pessimistic. As a result, all this can even cause serious mental disorders. While a person with adequate self-esteem strives to overcome emerging difficulties and change his life for the better, doing everything possible for this.

Portrait of a man with high self-esteem

A person with too much self-esteem can be easily distinguished from the crowd. It is distinguished by the following characteristics:

• overconfidence that does not correlate with the complexity of the situation;
• inadequate attitude to criticism addressed to oneself;
• conflict;
• perfectionism;
• speech with an abundance of pronouns “I”;
• blaming others for one's own failures.

People with inflated pride are proud and arrogant. They will not accept help from others.

Manifestations are always a straight back and a forward chin. “Daffodils” can spend hours in front of the mirror admiring themselves. They love to be photographed and know how to pose for photos.

Such people are considered more attractive

Many people truly believe that they will find a partner if they look stunning in terms of appearance. But the truth is that the most attractive person is the one who behaves calmly, confidently and with dignity.

People with high self-esteem do not overact and do not try to be better than they are. They are just being themselves.

Advantages and disadvantages

Overestimating oneself means that a person believes in his own abilities. Such people are not afraid to try new things. But blind faith leads to an inadequate perception of the objective world. That is why it is impossible to say for sure whether high self-esteem is good or bad.

Self-perception must be adequate. If you compare high and low pride, you should choose the first option.

Self-love is not as deserving of condemnation as lack of self-respect. (William Shakespeare)

Low self-esteem makes a person uncommunicative, withdrawn, and cowardly. Inflated makes him go forward.

How to make your self-esteem adequate - tips

High self-esteem brings a lot of trouble to a person. The sooner you identify this character flaw and begin to correct it, the greater the likelihood of getting rid of the problem yourself.

Awareness of the problem

A person will not be able to properly assess his own strengths if he does not realize the lack. To do this, after any action taken, try to look at yourself from the outside.

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Psychologists give the following recommendation: put yourself in the shoes of your interlocutor and think about how you look in his eyes. You may not be as brilliant as you thought you were.

Respect other people and their opinions

Teach to appreciate not only your own, but also other people’s virtues. This is absolutely normal. You can't be the best at everything.

A man’s high self-esteem is characterized by this feature. They are more susceptible to the spirit of competition than women. Stopping in time and giving in to another is an important aspect of adequate male self-esteem.

Listen to healthy criticism

Taking offense at criticism from outsiders is the wrong tactic for a person who has decided to stabilize his own self-esteem. You need to listen to the words of others. Find motivation in their reproaches to correct your own mistakes.

Be self-critical

Learn to look at your own actions with an open mind. Dryly evaluate decisions made and words spoken. It's the same with appearance. Accept shortcomings, but don't blame them.

Remember that you have strengths. Cons are evidence that you are human and cannot be perfect.

If you fail, analyze your actions

In case of failure, carefully analyze what led to it. Evaluate the entire journey. Adequate self-assessment of your activities will help you work on yourself and achieve new results.

Compare yourself to the most successful people

A surefire way to lower your self-esteem is to realize that there are people more successful than you.

If you are a good IT specialist, take a look at the achievements of Bill Gates. A medical professional may want to consider the work of Henry Marsh, a renowned neurosurgeon who has written several best-selling books.

Accept that you are not the most successful in your own field. You have room for improvement.

Stop competing

The desire to be the best, to show oneself in front of colleagues and the boss is one of the reasons for high self-esteem.

Stop paying attention to other people's activities. Focus on your own achievements and aspirations.

Don't impose your opinion

Adequate self-esteem of a person is characterized by the ability to communicate with people. Listen to the opinions of others and do not impose your own. If, in your opinion, the other person is wrong, give him advice, but do not tell him what to do.

Good books to boost your self-esteem

1. "How to Overcome Your Victim Complex" by Wayne Dyer. A book with practical examples, methods and tips will help you fight back against manipulators. The author is sure that to be a victim or not to be is everyone’s personal choice.
2. “Make him shut up. How to overcome your inner critic and take action by Danny Gregory. The book is about how to stop devaluing yourself and all your achievements.
3. "And I do not". How not to be afraid of refusals and go ahead towards your goal,” Jia Jiang. Any refusals are perceived painfully, personally, and hit hard on self-esteem. The author decided to overcome the fear of rejection, and what came out of this can be found out by reading the book.

The issue of increasing self-esteem needs to be approached comprehensively. It is necessary to work not only on appearance, but also on self-perception. Come to the “Flourish” marathon to work out your body, face and even your mind in detail. Special meditative practices will help you find harmony with yourself and love yourself.

How to communicate with someone with high self-esteem

In everyday conversations with a narcissist, you don't need to use any special strategies. If you have an adequate assessment of yourself, the behavior of your interlocutor will not anger you, but will even amuse you.

When you need to get results from a conversation, use one of the following strategies:

1. If your interlocutor is a junior employee, knock down his self-confidence. Do it calmly and reasoned. Using a specific example, explain the oversight in his behavior.
2. When talking to a colleague at the same level, support his point of view while voicing your own. For example: “Yes, you can do it, but look at my point of view... Together we will achieve great success.”
3. When talking to a narcissistic relative, don't be afraid to talk about personal feelings. Openly say what bothers him about his behavior.

Adequate self-esteem is an aspect of normal life in society. If you notice that you react harshly to criticism towards yourself, and perceive comments as an insult, try to cope with this feeling. Listen to the advice of others, soberly evaluate your own actions - this is how you will overcome high self-esteem.

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What can be done to develop adequate self-esteem in a child?

The most important people who lay the foundation for a child’s self-esteem are parents or figures replacing them.

The surest way to raise a child with inadequate self-esteem is to compare him with other children, criticize, shame and blame. So the child will not understand what he really is like, and will be sure that there is definitely something wrong with him, since he is constantly criticized. This does not mean that a child can behave badly and go unpunished. Just criticize not the child, but his behavior.

It is important that the child clearly knows the rules - how he can behave and how not. A child, like an adult, needs clear boundaries in relationships - this gives a feeling of security. He must understand the limits of what is permitted.

Remember that the child learns to love and respect himself from you. At first we love and accept him, and then he appropriates our feelings to himself, making them his own.

A child should not deserve the love of an adult, otherwise in adulthood he will continue to beg for it from others, not believing that he can be loved for nothing.