How to get rid of love addiction if love brings suffering

“He reacts weakly to me, but I can’t do anything normally anymore, I think only about him, I want only him, I suffer and generally act stupid. I understand with my brain that all this will lead me nowhere, but understanding this does not help, on the contrary, it even somehow makes everything worse. I need to forget this person, but I just can’t. I feel like I’m going crazy, despair is giving way to complete apathy. This has never happened to me before, and it’s been a long time since 18 years ago, what has never happened in my life...”

This is not a spell induced by sorcerers, not a love spell, no matter what superstitious friends say. And certainly not the stupidity of one who is caught in the web of destructive passion. This is love addiction. It is no easier to deal with than other addictions. And the more fiercely you try to fight, the tighter you tighten the noose of thoughts, feelings, desires.

Consciousness understands everything. But the noose is tightened around your heart, and you turn into a puppet, subordinating your whole life to HIM - the source of sweet pain.

“I can’t breathe without him,” the girl says. And at first, this feeling resembles a beautiful story from ladies' novels. The whole world is filled with the presence of the Beloved. And it doesn’t matter that the loved one may not be at all aware of the role assigned to him. Or he is burdened by the obsession of a woman to whom he does not feel a strong attraction. He doesn’t send people away, but he doesn’t answer messages either, he “forgets” to call back, there are always excuses - “It’s just that the situation is complicated.”

Or maybe at the beginning of our acquaintance everything was for real. They looked lovingly eye to eye. Walking through the city at night, hand in hand, and two hearts beating a common rhythm. Kisses, promises. It seemed like forever. But over time, the beloved began to move away. More and more tears, more scandals... And chilling horror at the thought that you could lose him.

1) Understand the dynamics of love addiction and the intricacies of unhealthy relationships

In order to take the most important and very first step towards recovery, you need to understand the intricacies of love addiction, the characteristics of a love addict and his love-fleeing partner, and the dynamics of unhealthy relationships.

To get a complete picture of the problem you face in case of love addiction, you should read books dedicated to this disorder. You need to understand the mechanism of influence and manifestation of love addiction, the characteristics of behavioral patterns in relationships and the various cycles present during the implementation of this disorder, namely, the behavioral and emotional characteristics of a love addict and a partner running away from love, and other, no less important aspects of relationships.

Try to find as much information as possible about love addiction. Many books are devoted to this issue, in which this problem is considered from different points of view. Some books can rightfully be called good, some are not so good, but in any case you can find something useful for yourself in these books.

Moreover, if you want a complete recovery and long-term results, you first need to deal with the underlying factors of this problem - such as shame/low self-esteem, inability to set reasonable boundaries, unrealistic expectations associated with relationships, the desire to act in a role. savior and peacemaker, fear of being rejected and fear of close relationships.

Important information about love addiction. What is it based on?

1) Your love addiction to another person rests on the hope of your inner child that the other person will change, begin to behave differently and give you what you need.

And also on the inability to satisfy and assimilate this necessary need (which you are trying to achieve in a dependent relationship).

Therefore, those people who are able to give you what you hope to receive from the object of dependence do not arouse much interest and desire to build relationships with them.

Such hope begins in childhood in relationships with parents. What we don’t receive in these relationships, we then try to get in adulthood from the object of dependence.

But at the same time, we completely recreate the same scenario that we had in childhood. That is, we are trying to get it from a person who, just like our parent or parents, is not able to give it to us.

Moreover, we do not have the skill to satisfy these needs if we did not learn this in childhood. There is only the skill to strive and hope to get it, but there is no experience where we actually get it.

2) Addiction is also based on illusions, denial and other ways of not seeing reality.

Firstly, love addiction does not arise out of nowhere. Usually it is preceded by other problems (external and internal) that the person had before meeting his partner. And which he does not want to solve.

And in order to hide from these problems and somehow distract himself, he throws himself headlong into love addiction.

Secondly, it is very difficult to maintain such a toxic, painful relationship while being in a sober mind and strong memory. Therefore, some kind of protection is needed to make such relationships more bearable.

And such defenses can be all sorts of illusions that, for example, the partner will change, you just need to wait. Or that you can change him, heal him, “love him more,” etc.

Or that in fact not everything is as bad as it really is. Or that your partner really loves you, and his rejection, coldness, betrayal or violence is only because he has a “black streak” in his life.

3) Also, love addiction rests on the hope of regaining that pleasant state that was at the very beginning. When a person has just become “hooked” in this relationship.

Dependent relationships usually begin with a state of extraordinary euphoria, joy appears, life seems to take on meaning.

But then euphoria is replaced by despair, and those relationships that most recently gave a feeling of bliss already cause severe pain.

And on this “swing” such a relationship is maintained - if he called, then it’s a delight, life is wonderful. And if you didn’t call, then this is a terribly painful state of abandonment, rejection and hatred.

Healthy relationships most often do not evoke very strong feelings, neither frenzied euphoria nor the deepest despair. They are generally quite calm, because there is no drama in reciprocity and respect for each other. And this is where their “health” lies.

And where there is violence, unpredictability of the partner, periodic rejections, betrayals, etc., then this is where the drama unfolds. Which is often maintained, hoping that the relationship will one day again become as if “happy” as it was at the very beginning.

But the same mechanism applies to other addictions, such as drug addiction.

And whether it is worth paying such a huge price for the sake of some momentary temporary pleasures is up to you to decide. But in my opinion, healthy relationships bring much more pleasure and buzz (even if not as vividly experienced) than addiction, even at its very beginning.

2) Remember: YOU and ONLY YOU are fully responsible for what happens

One of the hallmarks of love addiction is the desire of the love addict to blame someone else for the fact that he (the drug addict) feels uncomfortable or that he finds himself in an unpleasant situation.

In the early stages of recovery, a love addict begins to blame his current or former partner for all mortal sins. Completely ignoring your own desires and needs, forgetting about yourself, you constantly think about what he did, what he didn’t do, what he said or didn’t say in the situation in which you find yourself at the moment. Constantly blaming your partner deprives you of your chances of successful recovery and further personal growth.

Your recovery does NOT DEPEND on your partner. Also, he or she has nothing to do with the presence of happiness in your life and the mental suffering that you experience at one time or another - unless, of course, you continue the relationship with this partner and do not go through a rehabilitation program with him or her. her. What your partner does or doesn't do, what he says and what he doesn't say really HAS NOTHING to do with you. You should not take responsibility for another person; take responsibility solely for what concerns you personally. In the early stages of recovery, it may be very difficult for you to understand and accept this fact, but still, if possible, try to do this, make every possible effort to do this today.

If you want to make change, you have to start with yourself. A prerequisite for achieving change is your determination and sincere desire to change the situation, as well as constant focus on your goal.

You are an adult, and the first responsibility of every adult is to take care of your own personal growth and well-being in life. The better you treat yourself, the better you will feel, the happier and more fulfilling relationships you can build, the happier and more fulfilling your life will be. You yourself are responsible for your life. You HAVE THE RIGHT, and even the OBLIGATION, to free yourself from your bad habits and unhealthy behavior patterns, take care of yourself and constantly move forward towards personal growth. It is NORMAL to be selfish.

Signs of love addiction

Experts have identified symptoms of addiction.

Inability to get ready

The day passes while waiting for a call, all important matters are relegated to the tenth plan. Previous interests and hobbies do not arouse any interest.

Persistent thoughts

The image of a loved one does not leave day or night. You constantly think about meeting him and begin to suffer terribly if the meeting does not take place. Even more frightening are the thoughts of the appearance of a rival or rival. This is where the real hysteria happens. You frantically think about how to ask this and what to do.

Nervousness

If a person does not meet the object of his desire for a long time, he begins to get nervous about every occasion, things fall out of hand. His loved ones do not understand him and he moves away from them.

Depression

Depression, even severe depression, are frequent accompaniments of this condition. A dependent person, if he does not experience reciprocity, falls into despair, begins to look for flaws in himself, and even tries to correct them.

He is accompanied by a disgusting mood. To bring him back to life, just a conversation or a call from the object of passion is enough.

These signs can be observed in both women and men. But most often women suffer, as they have more gentle and romantic natures.

When a woman is in love, she is ready to dissolve in her chosen one. But if there is no reciprocal feeling, disappointment and pain sets in. The stronger the feeling, the more painful the heartache.

3) Realize the objective reality - in fact, you already have the ability to change

Every person has the inner ability to change even the most unfavorable circumstances.

The behavioral and emotional patterns that form the basis of love addiction are rooted in the deepest levels of our consciousness. You cannot get rid of these patterns at will, but we have a highly developed ability to change these patterns. Every person, regardless of their age and life circumstances, is capable of healthy changes.

Change plays as important a role in human life as metamorphosis in the life of a caterpillar. This is the inevitable cycle of life itself. There is no life without change. Change is bound to happen, and the kind of change depends entirely on the subject of your concentration.

In fact, you are creating the prerequisites for positive changes with your own hands. Everything depends first of all on the direction in which you want to move, and only then on the decisions you make and the actions you take.

Right now, as an adult, you are capable of achieving extraordinary changes. Healing and recovery are possible! One success will lead to another. Sometimes internal changes become a consequence of external changes, in some cases external changes become a by-product of internal changes in a person’s consciousness.

The process of getting rid of love addiction cannot be called simple and easy. It will require hard work and perseverance from you. No person would claim that change is easy. In fact, this is a rather complex process.

But still, your persistence, determination and sincere desire to change will return hope to your life, allow you to regain strength and contribute to significant changes for the better in your life.

Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

A woman who has become a hostage to her feelings is a truly pathetic sight. A lost look, wariness in behavior, depressed mood, lack of self-confidence and attractiveness, increased anxiety - all this distinguishes women suffering from love addiction.

Having fallen in love with, as it seemed to her, an ideal man, she spent all her strength trying to attract his attention and still achieved her goal. Now she is sure that her future life will be full of passionate kisses, tender hugs and boundless happiness. But in reality, everything turned out to be not so rosy.

Women suffering from love addiction are practically unable to build long-term romantic relationships because they have no idea what it is. All their attempts to create a strong union are almost always doomed to failure, and all because:

• They do not give their beloved man a minute of free time, striving to always be close.
• They neglect their own interests and hobbies.
• They plunge headlong into fantasies associated with their lover.
• They experience panic attacks at the mere thought of a possible separation.
• In case of conflict situations, they are ready to beg for forgiveness, humiliate themselves and beg for another chance, even if they are not the guilty party.
• They completely dissolve in their partner, which sooner or later serves as the main reason for breaking up the relationship on his initiative.

Important

If you want a man to love you with all his soul, then remember your uniqueness, value yourself and devote every day to self-improvement. Not a single self-sufficient man would agree to start a family with a “sad dummy.”

4) Expect discomfort

After engaging in the unhealthy patterns that underlie your addiction for a long time, expect to feel less than well in the early stages of recovery, even after a short period of improvement.

This is partly because in the early stages of withdrawal, withdrawal symptoms appear and we grieve the loss of our fantasies; Also, symptoms of withdrawal syndrome appear when we abandon our usual patterns of thinking and behavior - however, for a complete recovery we still have to change them.

Expect pain and discomfort just like what you may experience after surgery and during your subsequent recovery from surgery. Even in pain, you continue to heal. Know that this won't last forever, so just trust the process.

5) “Not all at once” - act consistently

During the recovery process, you should always remember one very wise saying - “not all at once.”

It's so easy to hope for immediate results! You want to feel better right now, you want immediate results - just take it out and put it in! You want to skip the hard work that is vital to recovery, and this desire only further fuels the addiction and leads to relapse. In the near future, all these emotions may become simply unbearable, and you will ask yourself “how is this possible?”

THIS IS POSSIBLE . Therefore, follow your recovery program gradually and consistently, step by step, not all at once! What is available to you today is what every person has today.

You can focus on achieving your goal every day for an hour or even a minute. If you start to feel stressed about the need to perform certain actions leading to recovery, make a to-do list for yourself. Include simple and minor tasks in this list. Take breaks if necessary.

Tasks that only take you five minutes or less to complete can be just as enjoyable and rewarding as more complex, time-consuming tasks—especially when you're feeling frustrated or confused.

Be attentive, especially when your attention is scattered and you are not concentrating on the present moment. When your mind wanders to the future or the past, you can't do anything. Always remember that the only moment when you can do something is here and now.

6) Strive for progress, not perfection

As I said before, breaking free from love addiction and the accompanying compulsive behavior patterns is not an easy task. The transformation process may seem very slow.

You need to learn to accept your own failures, mistakes and wrong steps (without blaming yourself or being ashamed of yourself), while at the same time focusing on the next step, striving for the next global goal indicated in your action plan. You must always remember that sometimes in the recovery process you take two steps back and only one step forward. In fact, in real life, when a person strives for some positive goal, there are always some ups and downs. However, your determination and perseverance will definitely help you achieve your goal. You need to admit that there is a problem and accept the fact that the path to getting rid of love addiction is very thorny and bumpy. You need to always remember that recovery is not about striving for perfection; at its core, it is about gradual progress and moving forward.

… Progress, not perfection

You are moving forward even when you don't realize it. There is no need to blame yourself for failures and mistakes (we are all human), but you also should not give up or betray your values. There is no need to beat yourself up and “attack” yourself for making mistakes, because these mistakes are also part of your journey towards the goal, and, again, we are all human, we can all make mistakes (in my opinion, I already said this).

There is no place for guilt and shame in recovery, as these emotions trigger a negative guilt/shame spiral that feeds the very existence of addiction and unhealthy attachments. We suffer from guilt when we think we have done something wrong. When we are ashamed of ourselves, we consider ourselves a bad person, an inferior and inadequate individual who has no place on this earth at all. In the case of love addiction, the feeling of shame manifests itself in full force. If we make a mistake or go astray, it is shame that begins to whisper to us that all the efforts you make are worthless, you will never achieve your goal, the situation will never change...

... I apologize in advance for the expressive language, but all this is complete bullshit! Shame is inherently toxic, it poisons your life and is a whole set of false beliefs, examples of distorted perceptions and complete nonsense. If you strive for full recovery, you need to openly confront these feelings - both guilt and shame.

How to end a relationship to get rid of love addiction?

No matter how much effort you put into a relationship, sometimes you have to admit defeat.

Face your fears:

• Fear of loneliness: “I won’t find anyone else, I can’t stand being alone, I’ll remain alone forever. Being alone is terrible."
• Fear related to finances: “I won’t be able to support my children on my own, I won’t find a job.”
• Fear of being a failure: “A breakup is a failure. I destroy all relationships."
• Fear of cultural pressure: “I’m a Christian. I can't get a divorce."
• Fear mixed with guilt: “I left him. He can’t live without me, I’ve been with him for so long. I can't stand the fact that I hurt him, he cared so much about me."
• Fear of Revenge: “He won’t let me go without a fight. He will hurt me and the children, and tell false information to mutual friends. He will deprive me of financial support."
• Fear of suffering: “I can’t stand this pain.”

Make plans for the future:

• Find emotional support. This could be a support group or a psychologist.
• Be practical. Plan to look for work and housing.

How you break up depends on the situation. Some people, in order to maintain a healthy psyche or because of children, break up easily. Other people can do this only on the condition that they never see this person again. Still others may remain friends, but only after the grief is over.

Experiencing separation after leaving:

• Make a list of things that support your decision to break up. Read it when you are tempted to take everything back.
• Keep a diary. Express your feelings.
• Stay in close contact with your friends so they can give you advice and remind you why you left. For communication and comfort.

For most love addicts, getting rid of love addiction is tantamount to being alone forever. People who are recovering from love addiction must change their attitude towards life without a partner. You need to accept the fact that being without a partner does not mean death. Being single has advantages and disadvantages, just like being in a relationship with someone. And there are times when it is inevitable.