Do you want to talk about personal topics? There are moments when you look at a person and your heart jumps out of your chest, you want to constantly be near him, but you know that this will not happen.
Sound familiar?
If yes, then this article is for you. Let's figure out together what unrequited love can be, how to deal with it and what consequences it can lead to.
Risk factors and “prevention” of unrequited love
A significant percentage of suicide attempts occur due to unrequited love! Well, not every version of depression ends with such an unpleasant desire to solve the excesses of psychological trauma.
Why do certain people still tend to have one-sided feelings for someone?
Some negative ways of behavior and self-esteem of a person can contribute to the emergence of non-reciprocal feelings for someone. Let's then look at several similar ones and the main ones.
Low self-esteem of a person
A person underestimates himself also occurs, which prevents him from presenting himself, emphasizing and showing his advantages. They usually don’t pay attention to such people, they don’t notice their positive qualities, and therefore they don’t experience romantic feelings. But the person himself, considering himself worse than those around him, sees the advantages of those around him as exaggerated, so falling in love with someone will not be difficult for him. A person with adequate self-esteem is more likely to build healthy romantic relationships. And a person with high self-esteem sometimes arouses excessive interest among the opposite sex and at the same time finds many fans without much difficulty. In this case, work with self-esteem is often needed, because in addition to unrequited love, other reactions can manifest themselves that interfere with life.
Inability to communicate with the opposite sex
A guy who discusses fishing and dirty jokes with a girl. A girl who discusses her exes and acne with her boyfriend. It’s good if such a dialogue took place at all, since many people start it so clumsily that they can’t even attract any attention to themselves, although sometimes they have a fairly attractive appearance. A person who does not know how to communicate with the opposite sex, in order to avoid awkwardness, prefers to stand on the sidelines and admire his object of affection.
All that can be advised in this situation is to act!
You must first learn: read books, watch films, observe others; and then - gain experience: participate in social life, get acquainted and communicate.
Victim Syndrome
Sometimes some people suffer subconsciously, trying on the victim syndrome. Often, unconsciously, they find a lover from those with whom nothing will definitely work out. Although this could be either an acquaintance in a relationship or a famous person. In this way, the victim satisfies his need to be a victim, asks others for sympathy, and avoids the possibility of self-realization. These people should change their attitude towards life: open their eyes and admit that they themselves are to blame for their problems, learn to solve them. It is best to seek help from a psychologist.
Feelings in which dullness and emptiness
Some people live a continuous Groundhog Day, they have no interests or goals in life, and all everyday life is gray and empty. Such people may simply not attract pleasant people who psychologically correspond to their psychotype and may not have a clue what the real reason is. Therefore, it is important to remember: for life to be full, it is not necessary to look for someone,
- only you can fill the void in your life and find love that will not be unrequited
Homosexuality
This topic has always been problematic. People with non-traditional sexual orientation have always found it difficult to find partners, so there is a high risk for them to fall in love with a partner who cannot reciprocate. But in our time, this negative outcome can be avoided - there are many different groups on social networks that allow such people to meet and find happiness.
Why do unrequited feelings arise?
Unrequited love is a tendency that develops in closed people. They are not confident in their strengths and capabilities.
There are several categories of those who are susceptible to one-sided feelings:
- These are people who have failed in one of their relationships. Failure caused them to withdraw into themselves and become stuck in a painful memory. They return to it again and again, and cannot cope with the negative feelings and emotions caused. Feeling unrequited is one of the symptoms of painful memories of the past.
- People with limited, low self-esteem and self-esteem. They lack self-esteem and do not realize the full value of their own lives, despite the fact that they are loved and appreciated by their loved ones.
- Those who have withdrawn into themselves due to fear of real life. Such people believe that the world around them is full of real and emotional dangers. One of these dangers is relationships with the opposite sex. Therefore, all the feelings that arise in such people are experienced by them and never go beyond the boundaries of their inner world.
- Unrequited love often occurs in those who were not instilled with a model of a happy family in childhood. Parents did not show by their own example a trusting relationship, and as a result gave rise to a lot of internal complexes in the child and uncertainty about the world around him. This category of people does not believe in the existence of reciprocity, but tries to experience the feeling of love within themselves.
- A very strange category is a number of people who are afraid to change something in their lives. Despite the feeling of love, they will not try to take active action, but on the contrary, they will want to leave everything as it is. It’s easier to survive everything than to change the usual order of things.
- The last ones are people who could not determine their position in life. They are incapable of making decisions and choosing a partner on their own. If a choice does occur, then in most cases it is non-reciprocal.
To summarize this concept, we can say that unrequited love is a human tendency that arises in the process of his psychological and emotional education, as well as socialization.
You can get rid of this feeling, but to do this you need to work hard on yourself, your inner and outer world.
Types of unrequited love
Unrequited love is not only the languid suffering of teenagers and a naive schoolgirl because of the most popular boy in school. This phenomenon, unfortunately, is familiar to quite adult people. It’s just that all cases of unrequited love have different reasons, and determining the type of unrequited feeling requires special attention.
Imaginary - the feelings are mutual, but you just don’t know
Where did you get the idea that these feelings are unrequited?
If there are no obvious reasons to think so (although even if a person has a partner, sometimes there is no such thing), then you should make sure that your suffering is not in vain. And often, on the contrary, your chances are high in relation to your intended love half.
Obviously impossible - the other party has irresistible reasons to reciprocate love
An adult teacher or a young student?
A famous actor or a married woman with children?
You are very unlucky. This unrequited love is forbidden and will most likely have serious negative consequences of unrequited love.
Friend zone - object of non-reciprocity friend
A very common scenario. A boy and a girl are friends, but at some point it turns out that one of them feels something more than platonic affection for the other. Although sometimes in such a situation one can count on reciprocity, sometimes a person cannot at all consider his friend in a romantic way as a partner (in this case, whether to continue communication or not is a personal choice).
The difference in relationships becomes visible
Yes, yes, this scenario is quite common and quite sad. Everything is fine with you, you are together, but gradually you realize that one’s love is not as bright and deep as the other’s, or is absent altogether. What to do in this case should be decided only by the couple, since some people are satisfied with relationships and even marriages without mutual love, and some cannot imagine their life without it (then you can try again to refresh and resurrect love, but if this is impossible, there is no way out).
After a breakup, it is necessary to analyze the lessons learned
Several months, a year, or even more have passed since you broke off the relationship, but you still haven’t forgotten him?
You live in the past and can't let it go. First, it is necessary to be able to learn lessons from the bitter past, preserving in memory as a valuable experience and parting with the severity of the insult. Radical changes in the psyche and worldview will help get out of this situation.
If you no longer have the strength to fight an unrequited feeling on your own
You need to realize that unreciprocated love is not so scary. This is a lesson from the universe, you need to accept it and derive some benefit from it. Under no circumstances should you leave everything to chance, because problems will only grow. It is necessary to recover from illusions, vain hopes, suffering and torment. It’s great if there is someone nearby who can help you, especially if it’s a qualified psychologist or a loved one who understands you. This is especially important when it comes to young people whose psyche has not yet been fully formed.
- We need to find the flaws. Your love object, like any person, is not ideal at all, find its flaws and stop idealizing it. Once you begin to notice these shortcomings, the feeling will begin to weaken.
- Search for reasons. If you don’t get a person out of your head for a long time, you need to understand why this is happening. This is probably some kind of psychological program that haunts you in life. Here you already need to understand yourself, because there is a great chance in the future to simply switch to another person.
- Take up all your free time. Get involved in something, start going dancing or playing sports. Do anything, just distract yourself from your thoughts about your lover, so that you simply have no strength or energy left for anything else. Perhaps this way you will find another person whose feelings will be mutual.
- You need to make lemonade from ordinary lemon, Dale Carnegie taught this. Benefit from non-reciprocal feelings for yourself. This method works especially well for creative people. On a wave of emotional excitement, you can create beautiful works of art. This method will also be useful for those who have long wanted to change, because mutual love is not a strong motivator for self-growth; work in this direction, everything will definitely work out.
Accept and love yourself. All psychology experts talk about this all the time. You need to learn to love yourself first, and then others. If you love yourself, you will not allow yourself to be manipulated and you will not humiliate yourself in front of others. The norm is a healthy relationship between two people where there is respect for each other.
Tips on how to survive unrequited love for a man
Okay, we sorted out the situation, but it didn’t make my heart any easier.
How, in the end, to survive the crisis and deal with worries and painful feelings?
Love and take the current situation into account
Most likely, if you are looking for help, you have already admitted that you love someone who does not share your mental anguish. You should not deny this fact, because feelings of unrequitedness are part of you; otherwise you risk entering into internal conflict. Try speaking out to a loved one, writing an anonymous letter somewhere, a letter to yourself or the object of your affection. As for the latter, it could simply be creativity, which helps to accept feelings and thoughts to the fullest, to “pour out” them somewhere; or maybe you really should confess your feelings.
"Out of sight, out of mind!" - time cures
Sometimes you don’t want to (for example, if you are friends), and sometimes this is basically impossible (for example, if you are colleagues). But it works!
Experts and ordinary people who have found themselves in such conditions advise limiting and minimizing your contacts with the person to whom you are breathing unevenly, and also not allowing yourself to plunge into memories and thoughts pulling you to the bottom (get rid of the things that cause this to the maximum). do). The fewer thoughts you have about a person, the easier it is to cool your feelings towards him.
Of course, “relapses” are possible, when everything seems to be behind you, but it “comes forward” again, but you should not give up at such moments!
Engage your life and take your emotions in new directions
Everything that is done is for the better!
Don't believe me?
And believe me!
It depends only on your thoughts and actions in what way the psychological picture of the state will be perceived - positive or negative.
It would seem - what could be good in unrequited love?
But you can take irresponsibility as a challenge!
A challenge to overcome difficulties, to self-development, to improve the standard of one’s life. You can study or work more closely, read more books, watch movies and TV series, attend various events and communicate with new people, take up your favorite hobby or find a new one, thereby reducing your dependence on unwanted behavior.
By the way, any physical activity (sports, cleaning, etc.) in this case will be a good solution - it gives free rein to emotions, distracts thoughts, and most importantly, hormones do their job!
Adrenaline and norepinephrine leave the body, taking with them sadness and anger. Various treatments that are beneficial to your health (such as spas) also have a positive effect on your psyche. Get rid of bad habits, adjust your diet, drink more water and treat diseases that you have long tried to ignore.
Healthy eating, self-care and consistent exercise will make you love yourself more than someone who doesn’t feel anything for you!
Speaking of cleaning. It’s great if your home and workplace are always in order. Everyone knows that if a person is surrounded by purity and beauty, then there will be no trash in his head.
As a last resort, consult a psychologist
If you feel that you can’t cope and your strength is running out, it would be best to contact a psychologist. A psychologist’s advice is useful. A psychologist, of course, is not able to save you from a difficult emotional state, but he can point out ways and help you understand yourself, put your thoughts in order, and build tactics for further actions. In the end, you will simply feel better that someone caring listened to you, understood you and gave practical advice. If you have signs of any disease, self-medication can be harmful and only make it worse, but the doctor will make a diagnosis and prescribe treatment methods. The same is true here. The psychology of each individual is distinguished by a pronounced emotional component. If you feel very bad, the wrong way of “self-medication” can make it difficult to achieve the psychological balance in your soul that you require. All that remains is to find a competent and experienced psychologist.
Manage your personal life with caution
Another piece of advice: do not refuse to communicate with the opposite sex and do not stop believing in your attractiveness. However, do not rush into a new relationship until you are 100% sure that the old unrequited love has passed, otherwise this relationship will develop incorrectly. In this case, the proverb “knocks out a wedge with a wedge” most likely will not work.
How to understand that unrequited love has passed?
Let's talk about this in the next part.
Unrequited love - what to do?
In order to fight unrequited love, you need to set yourself up for the positive and try to find a powerful emotional resource that will push you to change, development and self-improvement.
For example, you can find out why feelings are unrequited. If the reason lies in the person himself, then this can become a powerful incentive to improve.
Any psychologist will tell you that first of all you need to learn to let go. Those. to love and not expect anything in return. Suffering and pity must be discarded, and the heart must be open to new emotions and upcoming feelings.
It is quite difficult to do this, since it is difficult to even allow non-reciprocity, but it is still necessary, as this will help to quickly free yourself from the persistent feeling of irreciprocity.
Unrequited love for a guy or girl should become a powerful life lesson that will provide an opportunity to gain invaluable life experience in love, feelings and non-reciprocal relationships.
You need to learn to wish happiness to your lover or beloved, even if he/she is with another person. Perhaps this is the fullness of love.
There is no need to close yourself off from the world around you because of unrequited feelings. On the contrary, you need to try to live a full and rich life, spend more time with friends and the opposite sex.
You need to open up to others and soon someone will appear who wants to build a relationship with you.
Signs of liberation from unrequited love
- You began to be repulsed by the person’s shortcomings (even though you had previously noticed them but accepted them).
- The desire to constantly look at a person and be near him has disappeared. Perhaps sometimes you no longer even notice the presence of your ex-boyfriend.
- There is no interest in the person, his words, actions and everything connected with his life.
- It becomes possible to calmly watch or imagine a person with someone else without experiencing burning jealousy and pain.
- You no longer remember the object of your adoration immediately after waking up and right before going to bed.
- He comes to you less and less in dreams, and if he does, they do not evoke any special emotions.
- Reluctance to achieve a meeting and indifference to future loneliness
The more of these signs you notice in yourself, the closer you are to healing from unrequited love.
Characteristics and features of unrequited love
Love without reciprocity can't help but upset. It devastates from the inside, suppresses the best desires, and contributes to the formation of suspicion. A distrustful attitude towards life, self-doubt and apathy appear. In some cases, you even have to resort to the help of a psychologist. Specialists regularly work with those who are confused, confused, and have lost their main life guidelines. Getting rid of unhappy love is not so easy. You have to make incredible efforts to cope with despair and hopelessness. It’s good if the person is fully aware of what is happening. Then there is a good chance to be rehabilitated.
Consequences of unrequited love
Let's look at the consequences of unrequited love. Sometimes the bitter experience of unrequited love does not affect a person in any way, or even works out as a plus (as mentioned above, you can use circumstances as a motive for self-improvement). But if you approach the solution to a psychological problem incorrectly and do not take into account the consequences of an unrequited feeling, then they can be very different: from complexes and problems with self-esteem to suicide (for example, if there is a tendency to suicide or if a person is monogamous). Also, one of the options for the development of events in irresponsibility in a relationship may be a person’s inability to competently build romantic relationships if he only has experience of unrequited love. As we can see, the problem can be a serious obstacle to your desire for happiness.
How to forget an unrequited loved one
An unrequited feeling causes a feeling of hopelessness, turning life into a series of dreary and joyless days. What can be done to make the obsession go away and life to sparkle with bright colors again?
Minimize contact
There is no need to change your place of work or residence; it is enough to ensure that your meetings are as rare as possible, without close contact. Remove the man from your social network contacts and erase his phone number.
Take a break
If you are overtaken by unrequited love, what to do with it? Force your mind to switch to other thoughts. Find an interesting activity that will completely absorb you and leave no time to think about the object of your affection.
Lead an active life
Start going to a club, attend concerts, appear in crowded places more often. Perhaps very soon you will meet a gentleman worthy of your love, who will be able to reciprocate the reverent feeling.
Don't blame yourself
The fact that a man is not inflamed with passion is absolutely not your fault. This is just not your person. Think about the fact that he couldn’t make you happy, the constant struggle for his feelings would quickly get boring, and you would start thinking about a painless separation. Shake yourself up, let go of the obsession and get ready to meet true love.
Don't accumulate negativity
Many ladies ask: “I suffer from unrequited love, how can I get rid of my worries?” Experts recommend not accumulating negative emotions caused by an unpleasant situation, but finding a place to throw them out. Sport has a positive impact. Do fitness, join a gym, run in the fresh air. Sports exercises release huge amounts of endorphin, the hormone of happiness. After classes, your mood will improve and bad thoughts will disappear.
The problem of unrequited love will never lose its relevance, because the heart cannot tell who to love and who not. Every woman finds herself in a similar situation at least once in her life. To get out of the bonds of unrequited love, you need to gather all your inner strength and act without delay.
You may be interested in: How to forget a loved one: advice from a psychologist Manipulator man in a relationship: how to recognize an inferiority complex in a man
Stories of unrequited love
In life and art you can see many examples of unrequited love.
Vladimir Mayakovsky in love with the girl Lily and lack of reciprocity
We've all probably heard about the unusual romance between the poet Vladimir Mayakovsky and his muse Lilichka Brik. The three of them lived with her husband, Osip Brik, and by and large, Lilya never truly loved anyone in her life but herself. And Vladimir fell in love from the very first second of meeting a girl who was never particularly beautiful, but fascinated crowds of men. Mayakovsky simultaneously had affairs with other girls (and they even led to the birth of two children of the poet from different mothers), but Lilya Yuryevna always remained special to him. This love ended with the suicide of Vladimir Vladimirovich due to unrequited love.
The misunderstood suffering of an individual from non-reciprocal love threatens the loss of the ideal chosen one
In the famous story “The Garnet Bracelet” by A.I. Kuprin, we see how a simple official Georgy Zheltkov goes crazy from unrequited love for the aristocrat Vera Sheina. Due to class differences, they cannot be together, so all that remained for the hero was to write hot love letters to her, without at all pretending to reciprocate. Both before and during marriage, Vera did not respond to a single letter from Zheltkov, considering them a joke, while Georgy remained faithful to his beloved and lived to write messages to her. Only once did she send him a response letter - she asked him to leave her alone.
How did the story end?
Georgy sends the woman he loves a garnet bracelet that previously belonged to his family and a farewell letter, after which he commits suicide. Only then does Vera Nikolaevna realize that she has missed the kind of love that every girl dreams of.
Non-reciprocal love - how to deal with it?
Everyone has their own story; for some, an unrequited feeling is an inspiration, especially for those who are creative. History knows a lot of examples when creative individuals, out of mental anguish for the object of their passion, created talented works and masterpieces of world art.
This feeling is inspiring; sometimes people radically change their lives in order to be worthy of their beloved and, as a result, they grow above themselves. However, there are other examples with the opposite psychological effect. There are quite a few situations where unrequited love pushed a person onto the path of self-torture or even taking his own life. Psychologists are confident that mature individuals can draw basic conclusions from a situation and no longer make mistakes.
Girls who once fell in love like this have a large reserve of feelings, so when they meet the right person they can give him their love and receive the same from the man in return. If a person is optimistic, then even in unhappy love he will be able to see many advantages. For example, they will not stop loving him, they will not leave him for the sake of another person, his feelings will not be destroyed by everyday life.
