Ways to get out of depression after the death of a loved one

The death of a loved one makes you depressed for many reasons, which can affect a person’s emotional state at the same time. That is why it is especially difficult for her to experience. The specific “set” of reasons differs from one person to another. And therefore, depression after the death of a husband, son, mother or other person can be different. As well as ways to get rid of it.

Today we will look at its causes and provide recommendations on how to get out of depression after the death of a son, husband (or other loved one).

Causes of depression

Depression after death is caused by many factors, namely:

1. Dependence on the deceased.
2. Subjective feeling of destruction of prospects.
3. Resentment and guilt.
4. Inability to cope with stress.
5. A pessimistic view of the world.
6. Low volitional potential.

There are, in fact, much more reasons. These are just the most common ones. As a rule, they are closely intertwined with each other, and it is not clear which comes first. Let's look at each of these factors in more detail.

Helping yourself

Each of us is individual, so death is perceived differently by everyone. Someone understands that this event is inevitable and sooner or later it will happen, but someone cannot come to terms with reality and denies the fact that a tragic incident occurred. When a person is aware of what is happening around him, he can independently cope with his pain and accept it, but this takes time. The following recommendations can help speed up this process:

1. Find a way to express your thoughts and emotions. It is recommended to seek help from relatives or friends who could listen at any time.
2. Keep a diary. Sometimes it is difficult to find a person who you can trust with your thoughts. In such cases, you should think about starting a personal diary. It will help you experience feelings, emotions, and feel relief in your soul.
3. Create your own “emotional first aid kit.” A period of depression after the loss of a loved one is inevitable. At this time, you should try to cheer yourself up, because sad thoughts cannot lead to anything good. Your personal “emotional first aid kit” can include anything: chocolate cake, candy, a CD with your favorite music, etc.
4. Analyze your lifestyle. During depression, not only your mood deteriorates, but also your immune system. To prevent harm to the body, it is necessary to eat properly, maintain healthy sleep, and regularly walk in the fresh air.

Dependence on a deceased person

If a person who has lost someone close was dependent on him, then death leads to the question: “How can I continue to live?” The problem here is not only that a loved one has passed away, but also a feeling of inability to adapt to future life. Before you get rid of depression, you first need to understand which of these types of addictions work specifically in your case.

1. Material dependence. For example, if depression occurs after the death of the husband, who was the breadwinner of the family. The problem can be solved simply - you need to learn how to make money. Of course, she will not resurrect a dead man, but the emotional burden will be significantly reduced.
2. Intellectual addiction. This is when the deceased was a bearer of some knowledge, acted as a teacher, and was in authority with loved ones. And when he dies, a person feels incapable of making decisions. The problem can be solved simply by replenishing intellectual capital. Read books, think, learn to make decisions on your own. It is worth remembering that any crisis situation is associated primarily with opportunities, which can only be taken advantage of through training. The saying “study, study and study again” works at all times, in all centuries.
3. Emotional dependence. This is when a person can only receive a feeling of satisfaction with life, happiness, and joy from other people. And when death comes to someone who evoked positive emotions, his dependent relative or friend loses his only source of joy. Naturally, hence the depression. The problem is solved by developing emotional intelligence, training skills to manage one’s own emotions, and self-motivation.

All ways to solve this problem are aimed at one thing - gaining independence. First, you need to seriously ask this question and actively try to find an answer to it. We, of course, will provide tips on gaining personal independence, but do not forget that each person is individual and so is his situation. You need to develop your own style of achieving goals that is convenient for you. But here are some recommendations:

1. Think often about how to achieve your desired goal. Try to look at yourself objectively from the outside. To be self-sufficient, you need to be your own educator.
2. Train your willpower. This is the main quality that characterizes a person as self-sufficient and independent. It is this that will help you implement the conclusions that you drew from the situation into life.
3. Constantly learn. A self-sufficient person is one who can do more than his immediate environment. And to expand the scope of your capabilities, you need to constantly learn something new.

How to help a child cope with the loss of a loved one?

Adults should organize a busy daily routine for the child, which includes a variety of activities and communication with friends. The child must understand that life does not end with the death of a loved one, and one must continue to move forward. It is also very important to talk about the loss. It’s enough to have one long, deep conversation and you won’t come back to this deeply again. How and what exactly to say depends on the child’s level of development, his age and environment. Some adults talk about how God now takes care of their departed loved one; others mention angels. One way or another, it is important to show the child that his loved one is in a good place where he is taken care of.

After this conversation, you need to periodically, several times a week, briefly return to the conversation, remember how good your loved one was, what good deeds he did, and so on. That is, you need to talk about a departed person with a child in a positive way, showing how good it is that this person was present in life and how bad it would be if he had never existed at all.

• Diseases and disorders

Feeling of prospects being destroyed

This feeling appears when the person who was irretrievably lost had goals and plans that could not be achieved. In this case, the best solution is to develop new perspectives. Your actions should proceed from a surplus approach - make the most of the existing unpleasant situation for personal growth and improve your life.

Of course, working out the prospects will take more than one day. But this needs to be done. And the more time you devote to this, the faster this cause will be eliminated.

You can work out the prospects like this:

1. Create a file in Evernote or any other application that supports automatic synchronization and write down ideas on how you can improve your life after this situation. Of course, you can work purely with a computer, but online notepads are better because you can immediately write down an idea if you have your phone at hand. This must be done throughout the transition period.
2. Start implementing the ideas that come to mind. It is clear that in depression the most difficult thing is to start doing something; volitional potential is reduced almost to zero (especially in deep depression). But if you regularly take small, feasible steps, over time you will get carried away and even enjoy transforming your life.

One business coach essentially did just that. After the death of his wife, he began to work more actively, which contributed to the growth of his professionalism, the number of clients, and earnings. But the main thing here is not to go to the other extreme - try to go to work so as not to think about the loss. In this case, we are essentially replacing one dependency with another. Our task is to become self-sufficient people. You can use work to take your mind off your grief, but only if it helps you become stronger and actually overcome depression, not drown it out.

What happens if you don’t get a person out of a protracted depression in time?

If measures are not taken in a timely manner, a person will go through four stages of transition from prolonged depression to a neurotic disorder. All these stages have their own characteristics and have a negative impact on the human condition:

1. The first stage begins with inappropriate behavior. A person reacts to external stimuli differently than usual. His emotions depend on various factors. Some begin to behave too aggressively, others become hysterical, and others require increased attention.
2. Second phase. Acute neurosis begins and physiological problems appear. The person begins to experience breathing problems. Because of this, the lungs do not receive the required amount of oxygen, and metabolism deteriorates.
3. At the third stage, a person begins to feel anxiety and irritation. He has problems with the functioning of the cardiovascular system. Frequent signs of the third stage are insomnia and nightmares. A person gets tired very quickly, both mentally and physically.
4. The last, fourth stage. A neurotic state begins to develop. This stage is characterized by the fact that a person perceives himself as a loser who has nothing good in life and does not deserve better.

If at the last stage no one comes to the person’s aid, then he may begin to drink alcohol, drugs, abuse junk food or computer games. The only thing he really wants at this time is to escape from reality into another “world.”

Resentment and guilt

It happens that depression is caused by resentment towards another person that he has died. Yes, this happens in psychological practice, and quite often. This, of course, is irrational, but only irrational beliefs can plunge you into depression.

Another common reason is guilt. A person may feel that if he had done or not done something, the other person would not have died. As a rule, this is an irrational feeling (since he is only so smart now, and then he objectively did not know that this action could lead to death. Or, in general, there is no connection between that action, which may or may not have happened, and death relative).

Here you need to constantly remind yourself that you then acted in the best way available to you. Well, you didn’t know what to do then. And every time you feel irrational guilt, remember this.

Of course, it also happens that a person is really to blame. In this case, it is not necessary to eliminate emotions, but to draw conclusions. Yes, you made a mistake. Sometimes mistakes are costly. But this is the price that had to be paid for a very important lesson that will not be written in any book.

So in this case, you need to think about what conclusions you need to draw. There is nothing you can do; you won’t be able to correct the error. But it is very important to use the findings in real life.

"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"

The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep soul-searching and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone turns to religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone punishes themselves with a feeling of guilt, scrolling through their heads scenarios of what could have been, but never happened .

The following signs indicate the onset of the third stage of grief:

• frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine guidance (among esotericists - about fate and karma);
• visiting houses of worship, temples, and other energetically strong places;
• a state of half-asleep-half-awake - a person keeps getting caught up in memories, replaying scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past in his head;
• often the prevailing feeling is one’s own guilt towards the deceased (“mom died, but I don’t cry”, “I didn’t love her enough”).

During this period, if it drags on, there is a high risk of losing most of your friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away.

From a psychological point of view, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Bitterness, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have previously kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of one’s grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disrupted, and the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats in excessive portions). Signs of mental and physical decline are clearly expressed.

Inability to cope with stress

Stress resistance is an extremely important quality that helps to endure even the most difficult situations. If a person does not have it, the likelihood of depression increases several times. This is because there is no inner confidence that he will cope and be able to survive the situation.

Depression in this case is often triggered by learned helplessness. This is when a person does not even try to improve his situation, although he has opportunities. He admits to his own powerlessness in almost any situation.

Some tips for developing stress resistance:

1. Solve problems, don’t try to avoid them or pretend they don’t exist.
2. Meditate and learn relaxation techniques.
3. Actively maintain social connections. Of course, you absolutely don’t want to do this when you’re depressed. It even seems that there is no need to communicate with people, and this will only do harm. In fact, this is an illusion. A socially active person is less likely to fall into depression and recovers from it more easily.

You can follow these recommendations at any age.

Stages of Grief

Psychologists identify seven stages that allow you to come to terms with and understand what happened.

1. The first stage is called denial. The individual does not believe what happened and does not understand how to continue to live. He may begin to behave inappropriately. It is important that there are people nearby who could bring the grieving person out of his state, distract him, and make him think about others who are also experiencing the death of a loved one. There is no need to try to console him, he is now unable to accept your help. At this stage, the person is able to hear the voice of the deceased person, see him in the crowd, but this is all a reaction to what happened, and not a deviation in the psyche.
2. The second stage is the manifestation of anger. The person believes that what happened was unfair, does not understand why it happened to him, to his family, begins to show his anger towards people who are alive and well, calmly walking down the street, sitting on a bench, communicating, does not understand, why are they alive when his relative is no longer there?
3. The third stage is a feeling of guilt. A person begins to blame himself for not being attentive enough, behaving incorrectly, or spending little time. For some, this feeling persists throughout their lives.
4. The fourth stage is a state of depression. The individual no longer has the strength to hide his condition, his emotions. One feels completely exhausted and the person becomes unhappy.
5. The fifth stage is acceptance. The person finally realizes what exactly happened, the pain becomes less, and the depression slowly goes away. The realization comes that you can now let go of the situation and move on with your life.
6. The sixth stage is the period of revival. After the death of a loved one, an understanding comes that one needs to live on, accept new conditions, but at the same time the individual withdraws into himself and communicates little with other people. One gets the impression that he is constantly analyzing something. This period can even last up to two years or more.
7. The seventh stage describes the beginning of a new life. This is a period when the stages of grief are experienced, life is at a new level. Some individuals at this stage are trying to find new friends, change the environment, someone changes their place of residence, work, does everything to ensure that nothing reminds them of the past. For example, the realization may come that the death of her mother was a deliverance for her if the woman had been ill and suffered for a long time before this.

The problem is that not all people are able to go through the seven stages; sometimes they get stuck at the fourth stage, locked in their tragedy. In this situation, you need to contact a psychotherapist. A specialist will help you cope with the current situation and teach you how to overcome depression. A psychotherapist will help you overcome all stages of grief, maintain a healthy psyche, and prevent complications from developing.

The death of a father or mother literally deprives you of support; this is especially difficult for those people for whom family is the most valuable thing in life. For a person, a connection with his mother is the basis for a feeling of inner comfort.

Pessimistic view of the world

Pessimists do not get depressed, they only sometimes get out of it. Moreover, they very often say: “So this is reality. There is no need to look at the world through rose-colored glasses." Let's start with the fact that optimism and pessimism are illusions. The important thing here is not how realistic you look at things, but whether such a worldview helps you.

And, as a rule, an optimistic outlook often inspires, forces a person to act, actively overcome depression, and establish new interesting social connections. In addition, optimism helps to cope with absolutely any difficulties.

Children and grief

Konstantin Makovsky. Funeral of a child in the village. 1872

This is a separate, very large and important topic; my article “Age-related characteristics of the experience of grief” is devoted to it. Until the age of three, a child does not understand what death is at all. And only at the age of ten the perception of death begins to form, like that of an adult. This must be taken into account. By the way, Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh spoke a lot about this (personally, I believe that he was a great crisis psychologist and counselor).

Many parents are concerned about the question: should children attend a funeral? You look at Konstantin Makovsky’s painting “The Funeral of a Child” and think: how many children! Lord, why are they standing there, why are they looking at this? Why shouldn’t they stand there if adults explained to them that there is no need to be afraid of death, that it is part of life? Previously, children were not shouted: “Oh, go away, don’t look!” After all, the child feels: if he is removed like this, it means something terrible is happening. And then even the death of a pet turtle can turn into a mental illness for him.

And in those days there was nowhere to hide children: if someone died in the village, everyone went to say goodbye to him. This is natural when children attend a funeral service, mourn, learn to react to death, learn to do something constructive for the sake of the deceased: they pray, help at the wake. And parents often themselves traumatize the child by trying to shelter him from negative emotions. Some begin to deceive: “Dad went on a business trip,” and over time the child begins to take offense - first at dad for not returning, and then at mom, because he feels that she is not telling her something. And when the truth is revealed later... I have seen families where the child simply cannot communicate with his mother because of such deception.

One story struck me: a girl’s father died, and her teacher - a good teacher, an Orthodox person - told the children not to come near her, because she was already feeling bad. But this means traumatizing the child again! It’s scary when even people with pedagogical education, people of faith, do not understand child psychology.

Children are no worse than adults, their inner world is no less deep. Of course, in conversations with them, one must take into account the age-related aspects of the perception of death, but there is no need to hide them from sorrows, from difficulties, from trials. They need to be prepared for life. Otherwise, they will become adults and never learn to cope with losses.

Low volitional potential

Weak will is very closely related to learned helplessness. In addition, the lack of self-control skills prevents you from introducing something new into your life and actively getting out of depression. A weak-willed person will not follow any of the recommendations on how to get out of depression after the death of a mother, wife or someone close. Moreover, not because I don’t agree with the recommendations, but because I’m simply lazy.

A weak-willed person can go to great lengths: binge drinking, overeating and other consequences of weak will, which will only aggravate the manifestations of depression. In general, in order to cope with depression after the loss of a loved one, train your willpower.

Meditation trains willpower very well. Volitional potential is closely related to the ability to concentrate on a task. Meditation trains this ability. In addition, it relaxes, and in itself can significantly reduce the symptoms of depression.

Find spiritual and psychological support

Do not despair if it is very difficult for you and you cannot cope with the state of grief on your own. In this case, contact an outsider who will provide psychological or spiritual support. During psychoanalysis sessions, a specialist will help you understand yourself and return to normal life. The advice of a psychologist will give impetus to the fight against depression. It may happen that sessions are held regularly over several months or years. Remember - the main thing is that you feel comfortable.

If you are a believer, then go to church, talk to the priest. Many who have lost a loved one order magpie for the deceased. The atmosphere of the temple will help you gather your thoughts and strengthen your spirit. In addition, you will be able to communicate with parishioners who will be able to support you in this difficult life situation. You can attend a psychologist and church at the same time.

conclusions

We looked at the causes of depression after the death of a very close person. How to get out of it? In fact, everything is not as complicated as it might seem at first glance. Anything large can be broken down into small parts. It’s the same with complex actions. You will still have to follow simple steps. But you have to force yourself to do them. This is the hardest thing to do in depression. But only you yourself can get out of this state and recover after the death of your spouse, father, boyfriend, elderly relative, and even an animal (a cat, for example).

It makes no difference whose loss you experienced. In general, advice on how to overcome depression is universal. In most cases, medications and expensive treatment will not even be required. You can free yourself from depression and remove the cause, not the symptom, on your own.

People often ask how long does depression last, how long does it take to treat it? It all depends on the person himself and the circumstances in which he finds himself. Some people will be able to overcome despondency and depression in a week, others in a month. And some will stay there for years. Yes, your beloved child, dad, wife are gone, but there is a way out of the state that oppresses you. The main thing is not to worry and help yourself. Unfortunately, many do not do this after their parents or other relatives die. As a result, they remain depressed for years.

When is depression after the death of a loved one considered prolonged?

On average, a year is allotted for mourning events. During this time, mourners go through various stages of accepting the death of their neighbor - from complete denial to resignation to the inevitable. Common memorial dinners, sorting through the deceased’s belongings, and reorganizing one’s own life gradually lift a person out of a depressive state. Equally important during this period is the support of friends and family members. And yet, when is depression considered prolonged? When detachment and apathy are long-lasting, and emotional experiences and obsessive conversations about the deceased continue for over nine months.