Navigation through the article “How to let someone go?”:
- Why is it so hard to let go?
- How to let go of a person or the path to your own liberation
- Prevention from “sticking”
From the letter:
I loved one man. Long and painful. He didn’t say “yes” or “no”, he didn’t seem to hold on, but he didn’t let go either. Six years - between heaven and earth. Six years is a downer. This man himself disappeared from my life (he left for another country), but I am still with him in my thoughts.
I conduct silent dialogues, remember everything that happened between us. And I understand that that all-consuming feeling in my heart is no longer there, that I need to close this door and move on, but I continue to “hold” the man with manic persistence - look for his features in others, get hung up on the name (if my new acquaintance is not Alexander , then he has no chance)…
"Let him go!" - says the best friend, but does not explain how. And how can she explain if she herself is still attached to her ex-husband (although she stubbornly denies this)? They divorced three years ago, but Dasha is still interested in his affairs, tries to talk about life, looks at photos of his current passion on social networks, and talks a lot about him at girls’ get-togethers. And I know for sure that he doesn’t like it! After all, she herself fled from him like the plague! And now it won’t let go.
Tell us, women who don’t know how to do this - HOW to let go of a person , situation, past?
Margarita
Common situations, you will agree. Almost every one of us at least once in our lives has gone through a breakup and the need to let go of a loved one... This process is quite painful. Why is it so hard for us to let go? To understand this, it is worth understanding: what we are holding on to, what exactly we are tying ourselves to the object of our feelings, what this connection gives us and what prevents us from untangling it.
Why is it so hard to let go?
Why hold on to anything at all? To feel stable when you are not sure of yours.
Have you seen a baby who is about to take his first steps? He already walks well, holding on to his parent’s hand, wall or sofa, but has not yet decided to tear himself away from the support. If at this moment you give him a piece of paper and grab it, he will calmly step on his own (at such a young age, the child is able to focus on only one thing, and in this case it is the tactile sensation of an object that he can hold onto The baby is not yet able to see the illusory nature of the circumstances as a whole).
We adults also desperately need a feeling of support. And even if the support turns out to be imaginary (which you don’t want to realize), it will be scary to let go of it.
We are tied to our chosen one by our own expectations, that this particular person will satisfy all our needs, and that it is with him that happiness is possible.
When starting a relationship, we, willingly or unwillingly, draw pictures of a future together. And if the partner suddenly leaves, this supposed future collapses before our eyes, and the certainty that they managed to cling to is again replaced by the unknown - and this is scary.
When fleeing from anxiety, there is a great temptation (which often happens) to grab onto the last thread - hope, which is then extremely difficult to get rid of. On it you can swing the pendulum of your experiences for a long time and painfully: from fantasies and attempts to return your loved one to disappointment and resentment.
Mind games or programming our consciousness
How did you like the subtitle theme? But let's talk about the situation from the very beginning in order to understand at what stage, and most importantly, how our brain begins to play with us.
Let's say we notice someone's interested gaze, we get to know each other, start making friends, fall in love... then events can develop in different ways. For example, we fall in love, meet... and again there is a “threshold” from which the situation can again develop according to its own scenario: we get married. But there is an end to this story. And whatever the ending may be: we fall in love, date or get married, but, unfortunately, there is a “point”. It turns out to be separation.
This is where the fun begins. How difficult it is to get the one you truly love out of your head! It seems that this is impossible! It seems that everything inside is screaming: “I don’t want and I can’t!” And we unfold the scene again and again, line up the heroes and play out all the incidents that happened to us. We remember looks, gestures, words and actions. We give them special meaning and meaning.
Each such scrolling of scenes gives us new food for thought and longing that everything has changed so much for the worse. We either blame ourselves for saying or doing something wrong, or another person for his cruelty. Whatever the result of such reflections, one thing is clearly clear: man has firmly settled in our heads. He has taken a leading position in our thoughts and it will not be easy to evict him from our hearts.
Did I describe everything correctly? Of course, with adjustments and amendments to our personal characteristics and memories. Do you know what's really happening? Our mind is playing a game with us. He always brings us back to thoughts about who, in fact, is no longer part of our lives. And the brain keeps reminding and reminding of him. He keeps us in a time when we were not alone. We cannot move on; our thoughts keep us firmly stuck in the past. And this makes us unhappy. That is why thoughts about a person do not let go - the brain does not let it go, it plays with our consciousness, evokes, like a medium, already dead memories, revives them, our mind involves the heart and affection.
Do you know what's worst? After all, the one who left had some reason for this! And the point is not that someone is good and someone is bad. Think! Maybe he smiled like that at everyone, not just us. And we fell in love, mistaking a simple sign of greeting and sympathy for something more. We have allowed dreams and fantasies to embellish reality.
What if the breakup happened after attempts to get closer? You dated, but he decided to end the relationship. Our brain sees the picture from its own angle. He inspires us that we are unworthy, or that a person did not appreciate the happiness that befell him. Although the reality is so simple: we are not suitable for each other. And the man understood this, appreciated his strength and chose to follow a path parallel to us. He may have even tried to explain his actions. But we didn’t hear, because our brain played either a suspicious intelligence officer or a desperate lover...
How to get out of this game and not allow our consciousness, heart and even life to be further manipulated?
How to let go of a person or the path to your own liberation
- To let go of someone or something, you must first want to do it. This will become possible when the Adult inside you takes control, capable of looking at the situation from a detached perspective, assessing it sensibly and stopping deceiving yourself.
- Real progress is unlikely to happen without admitting one's powerlessness in the face of current circumstances. You need to understand for yourself what you can be responsible for yourself and what is not within your competence. You can control your own thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. But the emotions, actions, relationships of other people, as well as the course of life in general, are not subject to your control. Accepting this fact will be one of the signs of your emotional maturity.
- Feelings that you don't recognize or can't recognize control your life and sometimes destroy it. Therefore, it is important to see and deal with those emotions that prevent you from letting go of a person or situation. These could be fears: the unknown, loneliness, loss of control, or losing a part of yourself with the formation of a gaping emptiness inside. Feelings of resentment from unfulfilled expectations and hidden aggression also need to be brought out and lived through. Of course, you can work with negative experiences on your own, but it is much more effective to do this together with a psychologist.
- Don't try to suppress your feelings. This is fraught with the fact that along with negative experiences, all positive emotions will be blocked. By doing this you will only “freeze” yourself, which will prevent you from being open, enjoying life, and building normal relationships in the future. The remaining deep-seated fear of repetition of pain will block any potential attachments at the root.
- Let the feelings BE! Remember, in the book and film about Harry Potter there is a plant called “Hell's Snare”. It draws you into its nets, entwines you with stems and strangles you. And the more you resist, the more you fight, the stronger his grip. You can get rid of it only by taking a seemingly illogical action - relaxing and stopping the fight. The same thing happens with love networks.
Accordingly, how to let go of a person, situation, past? – You need to stop fighting the feelings that captivate you. On the contrary, it is better to immerse yourself in them, try to listen and understand what they are telling you, live them completely - live them to the point of emptiness (you yourself will decide what to fill the empty space inside, finding new opportunities for development, self-education and communication).
If strong emotions interfere with work or home activities, you can choose a specific time when you allow yourself to feel “to the fullest.”
Also, as a counterintuitive method, try making this a regular chore. Set a time, for example from 21:00 to 22:00, when you MUST remember the one you decided to let go.
Firstly, the rest of the time you will be free from your obsession, putting aside your thoughts for the treasured hour.
Secondly, you yourself know how our “guts” protest against any “obligation” and strive in every possible way to avoid it... In a word, watch what comes of it. The result may surprise you.
- Don't judge yourself for not being able to overcome your addiction yet. Take care of yourself as if you were a little sick but already recovering. Pamper yourself with various pleasures, take yourself out to people, take you to beautiful places, find interesting things to do.
- Give yourself time to go through all the stages of “grieving.” You can determine for yourself how long this process will take: a year and a half or several months. But it is important not to get stuck at any stage. If you feel that, having entered some kind of negative emotional state, you remain in it for too long, it is better to seek help from a psychologist.
I think you won’t miss the moment of final letting go, like a prisoner taking off his shackles or a balloon flying into the sky. A sigh of relief: there is no more pain, resentment, claims and expectations inside, there is only warmth and gratitude.
By ending a past relationship completely, you will be open to meeting another person. Having done this, you will no longer look at your new partner through the prism of previous connections, but will be able to accept him for who he is.
In order not to ask the question in the future: “How to let someone go?”, it is important to learn all the lessons from past experience and not repeat old mistakes.
Letting go does not mean forgetting
The ability to let go of people, things, problems and obsessive thoughts in a timely manner is a vital skill for the psyche. After all, when we cling to someone or something with a death grip, we automatically stop developing. In addition, this position almost always brings us tension and pain. Try to clench your fists really, really hard and smile at the same time. It doesn't work out very well, right?
If you want to analyze more deeply the reason for breaking up with a man, read our article “Why did he stop loving me” >>>
You need to let your man go, regardless of whether you broke up with him or are on a break in the relationship. Letting go does not mean forgetting! Oddly enough, you can only get your man back when you completely let him go. In this case, letting go means removing the energetic attachment. Binding is an energy channel of communication between you and your chosen one. But the trouble is that it is one-sided. Thinking about a man, dreaming of intimacy with him, you give tons of your energy without receiving anything in return. This is where exhaustion, anxiety and apathy come from. There is no strength left for myself anymore. You simply ignore all personal desires and needs.
And this affects your appearance, what you wear. Moreover, how you show yourself in communication with others. An eternally sad face only evokes pity and a desire to stay away from you. For men, such a woman is very unattractive.
Prevention from “sticking”
- Take it as an axiom: expectations don’t work. It makes no sense to expect specific actions, words, or emotions from your partner. You are you, and he is him. No one is obligated to meet your expectations, just as you are not obligated to meet anyone else’s.
- Don't make other people responsible for your feelings. Remember that you choose the emotions you want to experience. It is not you who are angry or offended, but you who are angry or offended.
- Don’t create illusions: if someone behaves as if he doesn’t care about you, it means he really doesn’t care about you, and you shouldn’t justify him in your eyes and try to change him. There are other worthy contenders around.
- Do not exceed your powers, you are only a participant in the general Stream of life. Agree, the river has no malicious intent to break someone’s destiny. You can harm yourself by standing across its current. Your task is to learn to swim or control your boat in order to fit into all the bends and turns of the River of Life and to pass its rocky rapids as safely as possible.
- In order not to interfere with the Stream taking you to the desired shores, it is enough to change tactics: switch the focus of your attention from control to observation . Feel like a hunter recognizing the signs of Fate. If you no longer like the situation, do not continue moving - you will fall into a trap. Take what happened as a SIGN that your behavior and direction need to change. Having stopped focusing your gaze on one point, you will begin to notice many other people and opportunities around you that can bring you closer to your desired goals (of course, when the goal is not a specific person, but, for example, the intention to build harmonious relationships and get married).
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“How to let someone go?”
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“How to let someone go?”
You are constantly underestimated
Know your worth! When you become intimate with someone who doesn't respect you, you tear off a piece of your soul that will never grow back. For all of us, there comes a time when we should just give up and stop chasing certain people. If someone wants you in their life, they will find a way to keep you there.
Sometimes you just have to let go of the person you're chasing and admit that you don't like the way they treat you. If he wants to leave, let him go. Sometimes it's easier than trying to hold on. Yes, we think it's difficult and painful... until the moment we do it. And then we ask ourselves, “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
