At the beginning of a relationship, we rarely think about the fact that someday we will have to solve the question: how to forgive betrayal? When feelings are at their peak, betrayal seems incredible. But, unfortunately, such situations happen in many couples. Pain. Resentment. Fury. This is the first thing a person feels when he learns about the betrayal of a loved one. Consciousness refuses to accept the new reality. But when the first wave of the storm of emotions subsides, a person faces a choice of how to live further. In this article we will talk about where the boundaries are between the concepts of infidelity and betrayal, what makes men and women follow temptations, whether betrayal can be forgiven and what to do if it happens again and again.
What can be considered treason?
First, let's try to understand the concept of “treason.” Some people see it only in regular intimate relationships outside of a permanent relationship with a partner. Some will say that it cannot exist where there is no marriage. For some, frivolous correspondence or even a protracted conversation with an attractive colleague after a corporate party will be considered treason. Even partners within a couple may have different points of view on the fact of betrayal. What seems like completely innocent behavior to one partner sometimes hurts the other. Why is it so difficult to define the boundaries of infidelity? One of the reasons for this can be considered the development of civil society and law. More recently, by historical standards, adultery was recognized as a crime in European countries. According to the Napoleonic Civil Code, a wife's infidelity gave the husband grounds for divorce. Male infidelity was considered such a reason only if the husband brought his mistress into the house. The difference in attitudes towards female and male adultery was associated with consanguinity and the order of inheritance. A man who doubted his wife's fidelity could not be sure that his own child would inherit his property. [1] In modern secular states, the law does not regulate issues of marital fidelity, giving citizens the right to independently decide what exactly they consider valid grounds for divorce. Emancipation and the increased contribution of women to the well-being of the family removed the urgency of the issue of inheritance. Marriage has ceased to be the only socially approved opportunity to lead an intimate life. The advent of gadgets provides more options for secret flirting outside of a couple. This has led to the fact that today each couple interprets the concepts of betrayal and treason independently for themselves. However, it often happens that such issues are simply not discussed in a couple. At the dawn of falling in love, there is a feeling of unconditional unity of opinion on all issues, and it may seem that close relationships by default imply fidelity. Perhaps the only interpretation of the concept of treason that does not cause contradictions in relation to the actual action is the sexual intimacy of a married person with a person outside the marriage. In other cases, treason can be considered a violation of obligations towards one’s partner established in mutual agreements.
Afterword
After the decision has already been made and voiced, you will have to continue working on yourself, regardless of whether you have forgiven the betrayal or not. What exactly needs to be done:
- do not blame your loved one for what happened;
- eliminate quarrels on this basis;
- learn to trust again;
- avoid blues and depression;
- stop living only in relationships;
- fill your life with new hobbies, friends, interests.
If nothing helps, you just can’t forgive and get out of depression, it is advisable to make an appointment with a psychologist.
Treason and betrayal: is there a difference?
Much depends on what foundations the relationship between partners is built on. For some, a relationship is a profitable project from the point of view of economic coexistence (it is convenient to rent a house together, share food costs), and a family is a project for raising children and accumulating property.
Political scientist and business coach Irina Khakamada, speaking in an interview on the YouTube channel “Gentle Editor” about her relationship with her fourth spouse, openly admitted that each of them can easily “walk to the left.” The partners agreed on this at the dawn of their relationship.
— We have a partnership marriage: he is free, and so am I. But we exist together because we have fun,” said Irina. [2]
We can conclude that betrayal may or may not be a betrayal if the partners have deliberately discussed this possibility. But this example is rather an exception to the generally accepted paradigm of relationships between a man and a woman.
Another approach to understanding betrayal is related to the internal feeling of attachment to a partner. The issue of attachment is key to our sense of self and security. And safety is a basic need for everyone. For our well-being, we all need a reliable and secure attachment. Flirting, protracted correspondence, an affair - something that threatens security. Therefore, many people painfully perceive the loss of an emotional connection with a partner, which inevitably follows any connection with a person outside the couple, and regard it as a betrayal towards themselves.
Let us help you find fidelity in your family life
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Don't break any wood!
You need to glue relationships as long as there is an attitude of “I don’t need”, but “I want”. If you want to save your family, you will have to pull yourself together, otherwise you may not get the result you want.
- First, you need to calm down. The fewer impulsive actions, the better. Very often, when a woman finds out about cheating, she dumps so many accusations that she has been accumulating for years on her poor husband’s head that it will be very difficult for them to reconcile later.
- In general, it is better not to give any explanations. And even more so, do not put a man before a choice. At the peak of passion, he, faced with a choice, can easily leave. But very often, after a couple of months, lovers get tired of each other, and, more often than not, the man is the first to decide to break up.
- If an explanation cannot be avoided, then it is important that he is convinced that his exposure is not something disgusting and ugly, but an opportunity to get out of the labyrinth, to return to the edge of the world.
Then, you need to change something, surprise him. You can go on a trip together, change apartments. It is not forbidden to do even some unexpected little “nasties”.
About the reasons for cheating
“Is it possible to forgive a guy’s betrayal? Misha and I have been living together for a year. Until recently, everything was fine, until friends told him that after work he goes to a cafe almost every day with his colleague. And he told me that the workload has become more intense, and he is forced to stay very late. When I asked him directly about what kind of relationship they had, he asked me a counter question: “You and I are not married, what right do you have to ask about this?” I was completely confused and didn’t know what to say. Today it turned out that the matter was not limited to trips to cafes. It's too painful for me".
— Angelina, 28 years old
The situation that Angelina faced is familiar to many. Of course, not all men are ready to express their position as openly as her partner Mikhail. But denial of responsibility and relationships with casual partners during a period of protracted cohabitation, unfortunately, are becoming a trend. In society, it is already considered a completely acceptable form of relationship for a man and a woman to live together without officially registering a marriage (46% of Russians consider this normal, among those who are not married - 56%). At the same time, 85% of men living in a civil marriage consider themselves single, and of women only 8% consider themselves unmarried. [3] However, for many, officially registered relationships do not become an obstacle to outside relationships. Why is this happening?
Why do men cheat?
“I walk because I don’t want to miss what’s mine. Nature has rewarded me with extraordinary masculine strength; one wife is not enough for it. Who knows how long I have left to walk at full strength? Maybe tomorrow I won’t need all this, maybe in a week or ten years, if I’m lucky. As long as I have the strength, I will pump to the maximum, and then rest in the cool marriage bed. The wife knows, of course, she doesn’t like it. But I think she doesn’t have any particular torment on the topic of “whether to forgive her husband’s infidelity.” She has everything: a house, money, a car, I provided her, I give her whatever gifts she wants. She is very dependent on me. She knows that if she starts downloading her rights, a replacement will be found quickly - there are more than enough candidates to take her place.”
— Victor, 42 years old
There is a stereotype in our society that “men are all about partying.” This simple “commandment” in many families, where forgiveness of infidelity to a husband is considered a natural norm, is passed down through the female line from generation to generation. And there are reasons for this: long decades of post-war demographic imbalance forced some women to hold on to their husbands, protect them and forgive infidelity, while others became mistresses. The arrangement of life, the well-being and safety of the family depended on the man. The existence of this stereotype supposedly removes responsibility for wrongdoing from men, forcing them to weakly submit to polygamous nature. But cheating is a choice. Every choice has reasons and motives. We will give a few typical examples, but there can certainly be more.
1. An opportunity to increase self-esteem.
Even the most confident men sometimes need to find confirmation of their own masculinity and attractiveness. In relationships on the side, he feels a surge of vitality, receives a lot of compliments about his masculinity, reliability and attentiveness. It is quite possible that his behavior towards his new passion is not very different from his behavior in marriage. But the wife already takes it for granted, having ceased to appreciate and pay attention to it. 2. Thirst for adventure.
Sometimes a man needs to feel the danger of exposure, to provoke surges of adrenaline. Such behavior manifests itself under conditions of strict control on the part of the spouse. The man perceives this as a challenge to his ingenuity and resourcefulness and internally triumphs when he succeeds in a “glorious prank.”
3. Cheating is like an antidepressant.
Everyone experiences the need to relieve stress. But men are less likely to admit to psychological problems. In an attempt to cheer himself up and break out of the daily “work-home” routine, he would rather begin to lead a secret life than turn to a specialist for help.
4. The opportunity to try on a different role.
As a rule, such a desire also arises under conditions of total control in the family. It’s harder for a man to accept other people’s rules, but it’s easier to dictate his own. And he finds a place where he can install them - next to another woman. Cheating becomes a form of expression of freedom. 5. Midlife crisis or “gray hair in the beard, demon in the rib.”
The realization of approaching old age frightens not only women, but also men. A man after 40 can start an affair with a young girl in order to relive the whirlwind of emotions that he experienced 20 years ago. Next to her, it seems to him that so much is still possible in life, and his strength is endless.
Why do women cheat?
“My husband is a biochemist, he is very passionate about his work, and he is practically never at home. We met at the institute. I literally looked into his mouth and thought that I was the happiest, because he chose me. Now we have two children, both already adults. We still have fun together: we travel a lot, discuss books, watch arthouse films. But he is an intellectual, my feelings are not interesting to him, and he is also silent about his own.
My first lover appeared soon after the birth of my eldest son. I wanted to feel wanted again, and my husband was completely absorbed in his science project. Then I realized that I could receive from other men the attention that I lacked from my husband. Does my husband have any idea about my double life? Don't know. I don’t think he’s interested in that.”
— Lyudmila, 49 years old
The motives for female and male infidelity are to some extent similar. A woman is pushed onto a crooked path by the loss of mutual interest between partners, a feeling of dissatisfaction, and resentment. We will describe several typical situations, but in specific cases everything can be much more complex and confusing. 1. Spouse's indifference.
After several years of living together, there is less and less romanticism in the relationship, and attempts at courtship come to naught. For a man, this seems logical and natural, because he has already realized the instinct of a hunter. But a woman can stop feeling desired and go to a place where she will again be given attention. 2. Tired of routine.
Every day becomes a series of repeated repetitions: breakfast on the run, work, household chores and taking care of children, a quick dinner, sofa, TV, sleep. In such cases they say that “the love boat breaks into everyday life.” A woman decides to cheat in order to diversify her life.
3. Jealous husband.
Constant outbursts of jealousy, strict control and unfounded suspicions on the part of the spouse do not fuel interest in him. On the contrary, a woman who has never even thought about adultery may experience the opposite reaction. She begins to look for an opportunity to “justify” the accusations imposed on her, acting on the principle “you come up with it, I do it.” Such a desire can be either intentional or unconscious.
4. Physical dissatisfaction.
A woman’s physiology is such that it is more difficult for her to reach the highest point of pleasure in intimacy than for a man. The question becomes more acute if the partner is not the most sophisticated lover, behaves selfishly in bed and does not show proper attention to the lady.
5. A way to take out a grudge.
Everyone tends to feel angry and resentful towards their partner. Constant, even small, grievances can develop into mutual dissatisfaction. This is a direct path to a woman going to seek happiness and understanding on the side. “You never listen to what I say,” she says and finds solace in the arms of a lover who is ready to listen and support her. The cause of infidelity in marriage, both on the part of a woman and on the part of a man, can be a relationship crisis after 5-7 years of marriage. Spouses suddenly begin to feel like strangers, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to find common topics for conversation, and there is no satisfaction in bed. But they don’t file for divorce for the sake of children or for any other reasons. In this situation, cheating may seem like the easiest and most logical way to end a relationship that has run its course. Sometimes such logic can arise even unconsciously.
What happens after a man's betrayal?
After betrayal, one of four outcomes is possible:
- the husband leaves both his wife and his new passion;
- remains in the family, but does not stop dating his mistress;
- husband leaves for a new lover;
- The husband broke off his relationship with his mistress and asks for forgiveness.
The first option is extremely rare. The second outcome harms three people at once, therefore, in terms of the level of neuroticism, it is considered the most unfavorable. You will have to come to terms with the third option, but it is good because the wife understands: the husband has made up his mind and no longer has any hopes for a life together.
Psychologists consider the fourth outcome of events to be the most difficult. The relationship between the spouses will continue, but the woman’s trust will be lost. She will have to deal with internal resentment and stop thinking about cheating.
How to let go and forgive without deceiving yourself
What to do if you have recovered from the first shock associated with your partner’s infidelity, but time passes and the pain does not subside? You are afraid that you will never be able to forget, forgive the betrayal of your loved one, and that the relationship will never be as good and calm as it once was. You doubt that you made the right choice when deciding to continue the relationship. Try taking on board the advice of family psychologist and psychotherapist Andrew J. Marshall on how to forgive infidelity without deceiving yourself. [6]
Accept your feelings
Don't blame yourself for not being able to magically leave memories in the past and move on as if nothing happened. Cheating may have been the biggest shock in your life. It is not surprising that the pain returns every now and then, and you still cannot come to terms with what happened.
Work on your thoughts
Many feelings arise as a result of obsessive thoughts. People tend to believe everything that their inner voice says as the ultimate truth. But often the subconscious connects events from different periods of life to provide us with irrefutable evidence that the situation is catastrophic. Keep a diary or see a psychologist - this will help you understand your thoughts and feelings.
Think about what memories of betrayal give you
Memories of betrayal come back for a reason. Most likely, they are trying to tell you that some issues in the relationship remain unresolved. For example, your sex life has become less vibrant or you have begun to devote less time to leisure time together. As long as you continue to ignore these signals, the unconscious will send them again and again.
Don't expect the impossible from your partner
It may seem fair that after forgiving the betrayal, in gratitude for this you will receive many times more attention, your partner will change and become a different person. But don't set the bar too high. Try to accept not only strengths in your partner, but also weaknesses.
Don't demand the impossible from yourself
At some point, you may feel ashamed of being cheated on. You will conclude that you are not good enough for this to happen. You will feel embarrassed for outbursts of anger. As a result, you will try to become perfect in everything for your partner. It's definitely worth aiming to become the best version of yourself. But the right to shortcomings should also be reserved. [6]
What to do to prevent thunder from striking again
People who cheat often say that in their relationship with their lover they are looking for those emotions and sensations that they can no longer get in marriage. Therefore, from time to time you should conduct an “audit” of the relationship: have a heart-to-heart talk, be honest with each other, discussing issues of spiritual and intimate intimacy. Set the boundaries of what is permitted, agree on what forms of communication with the opposite sex are unacceptable, since they pose a threat to the well-being of your couple. Try not to discuss what happened with strangers and not return to this episode in communication with your other half. And don’t be stingy with your feelings: show care, attention, more often point out what you like about your partner, what you value him for.
How to survive your husband's betrayal
Male infidelity is a great stress and grief for the wife. The loss of stability associated with having a husband, a drop in self-esteem, and a feeling of betrayal have a negative impact on the quality of life and psychological well-being. To cope with the situation, you must follow the following recommendations:
- Stop comparing yourself to your rival. Contrary to stereotypes, men do not choose only beautiful, young, sexy girls to cheat on. Anyone can become a competitor - it depends on many uncontrollable factors.
- Work on self-esteem. The easiest way is to take care of your own appearance: attend makeup and manicure courses, work on your figure, try a new clothing style. These activities will distract you from negative thoughts after cheating, and the new image of a “desirable woman” will get rid of your complexes and attract the attention of men.
- Take care of your health. The female body reacts violently to stress, which manifests itself in the occurrence of specific sexual diseases. Therefore, it is recommended to visit a psychologist, endocrinologist, or gynecologist.
- Reconsider the value of a man. Despite the marriage, the husband remains a free man, free to leave or stay. If he decided to cheat and did not honestly end the relationship, then he was not a valuable partner to begin with.
- Find support. Talk to friends, speak out on a forum, find a community of help for survivors of betrayal. Talking to someone who understands can sometimes ease emotional baggage just as well as professional therapy.
A woman will be able to survive betrayal more easily if she knows the myths about male infidelity:
- Men don't cheat because of their appearance. According to statistics, most cheaters do not consider their mistresses more beautiful than their wives. Therefore, developing complexes and comparing yourself with your rivals is a waste of time and nerves.
- The woman is to blame for her husband's betrayal. Problems in the relationship that led to betrayal lie with both companions. But the final decision to deceive, and not to part with the world, was made by the husband. The wife has every right to be angry and not blame herself.
- Male infidelity is “better” than female infidelity. Legends that a husband cheats “physically, not spiritually,” “is polygamous by nature,” and so on are excuses for self-justification and deception of naive girls. The severity of the act does not depend on gender. A wife has the right to judge her unfaithful husband fairly.
Recovering from betrayal sometimes takes years. Sensitive people who have experienced deep emotional trauma will need help from a psychologist or psychiatrist.
The belief that a husband betrays his wife just for sex causes women to forgive unfaithful partners more often than they should. In fact, both guys and girls usually seek emotional intimacy in affairs.
The man cheated - what next?
There are three stages by which you can understand what awaits a woman after the betrayal of a loved one and how to behave.
The first stage is bewilderment and shock
The woman experiences complete stupor, confusion, or, on the contrary, hysteria. She feels piercing pain, emotions literally overwhelm her. The whole world is collapsing overnight. The deceived wife has an unstable mood. She vividly expresses hatred, aggression, despair, but pleasant memories can evoke in her love and tenderness for the cheater.
The first stage usually lasts from 7 to 14 days. The main goal at this stage is to survive the state of shock. It is not recommended to make quick decisions or take rash actions, as they will be made under the influence of the stress hormone. During this period, a woman cannot think objectively. Gradually you need to collect more information about the betrayal.
You should read articles by psychologists, books, forums, and the opinions of women who have experienced betrayal. They will help restore the ability to think sensibly and assess the situation. Other people's stories help reduce dramatization.
It is not recommended to stay alone for a long time. This does not mean that you need to constantly discuss your husband’s infidelity with all your relatives and friends. It is enough that there is a close person in the room who will not interfere with advice, but will support with neutral communication. If he is not nearby, then you can contact a psychologist.
It is strictly forbidden to dwell on your problem and pain, or blame your husband or yourself for what happened.
Second stage - reboot
The first emotions of anger and resentment passed like a thunderstorm. Now you should carefully analyze the words and actions spoken, and understand the scale of destruction. The second stage is considered not only painful, but also responsible. It is during this period that you need to decide what will happen next. It can last from 30 days to 6 months.
You shouldn’t engage in self-flagellation and endlessly scroll through your head about thoughts of betrayal. It is better to take a notebook and write down in it in the form of abstracts all the mistakes that you should try to avoid in the future. It is necessary to try to understand the man’s behavior, what prompted him to take a desperate step. You definitely need to talk to him, find out whether he repents, whether he admitted his mistakes and whether he intends to correct them.
It is useful to meditate, do yoga, and spend more time in nature during this period. If you want to save your family, you should be interested in your spouse’s hobbies and try to spend more time together. If the cheater is sincerely repentant, perhaps he should be given a chance.
The third stage is the recovery period
The pain is no longer as acute as it was at first, but rather lingering and pressing from the inside. If you don’t calm her down, the woman can withdraw into herself for a long time. During this period, it is better for her to spend more time with her friends and get used to her new life.
It can last from 2 weeks to several years. It all depends on how much effort a woman and a man make to save the family.
If she broke up with her husband, then she should avoid articles, books and stories from friends about infidelity, and do not watch thematic films. A woman needs to focus on her self-esteem and change herself for the better.
These could be new habits, non-standard makeup, new clothes, haircut or coloring, a new manner of communication. To get out of stress, you need to completely abandon the memories of betrayal. When you wake up in the morning, your main goal should be to maintain a great mood for the whole day.
You can learn more about how to survive betrayal and save your family in the video:
