Fear has big eyes
“Fears live in us and are part of the work of intuition and self-defense,” says Yulia Plotnikova, lactation consultant, perinatal psychologist, doula and mother of four children.
Julia is sure: fears are born from ignorance.
A person is afraid when he does not feel his body, does not know the principles of its work.
— If we do not hear simple signals from the body to change the environment and rhythm of life, this will be followed by the body’s natural reaction to discomfort. Tension, a surge of adrenaline and, as a result, a mental disorder, its release from a balanced endorphin-oxytocin state.
Let's imagine: we sit at the computer all day in one position. The body becomes numb, tired, and the rhythm of its blood circulation is disrupted. The first, often unnoticeable signals are stabbing sensations, discomfort in the body, which we already feel when we straighten up and move away from the computer. Often we repeat the same thing for weeks until we are completely exhausted, and the body throws up mild unpleasant sensations. If we don’t stop and do exercises, jogging and other useful activities, then depression, disappointment, illness, and fears will follow in a logical chain.
It's the same with emotions. If we are in a negative emotion for a long time, this is fraught with the appearance of depression.
Fear helps save us from ourselves, it doesn't just appear. It is important to figure out why you need it and what part of yourself is important to develop so that the worries disappear.
Fear creates tension and a surge of adrenaline, it does not allow you to think calmly, it leads to dead end and numbness.
This is a vicious circle: the more we are afraid, the more tense we become and again we are afraid of unpleasant sensations in the body. As a result, the likelihood of stumbling upon what we fear increases. Isn't it easier to understand yourself? Therefore, it is important to develop carefully and evenly in all areas: physical, intellectual and emotional.
"I'm afraid to give birth"
Perhaps one of the most common fears of an expectant mother. The situation is aggravated by detailed and emotional stories from friends, as well as numerous forums on the Internet, where mothers are happy to share their impressions and tell what the pain during childbirth can be roughly compared to.
Let's figure out why you shouldn't be afraid. Firstly, if it were so hellishly unbearable, not a single woman in the world would dare to give birth to a second child, you must agree. You are not the first and you are not the last: your mother, grandmother, older sister, friend and millions of other women around the world have gone through this. So you can do it too.
Secondly, during childbirth, a woman’s body actively produces endorphin hormones. They have a mild analgesic effect. If the pain becomes unbearable, doctors may recommend the use of anesthesia, which will alleviate the condition.
Third, don't forget that pain is your friend, not your enemy. It is pain that helps in the process of childbirth, it signals that everything is going according to plan, tells you how the process is going and what needs to be done at the moment.
Remember that this difficult task is difficult not only for you, but also for the baby. And your main task is to do everything so as not to harm the child.
Therefore, trust the advice of medical personnel and study the issue of childbirth in advance. You must know what is happening to you, then giving birth will be much easier. And when you see your long-awaited baby, believe me, all the memories of the painful process will disappear, because all this will no longer matter at all.
- If you are afraid to give birth, understand whether you know enough about this issue. Do you have enough knowledge about physiology, pregnancy psychology, perinatal psychology? If not, go to experts, body and breathing practices,” comments psychologist and mother of many children Yulia Plotnikova.
How a perinatal psychologist can help
Many questions arise in a woman already at the stage of pregnancy planning. Is she ready for motherhood, can she cope with the role of a mother? The specialist assesses a woman’s psychological readiness for a new role, gives answers to pressing questions, discusses fears and doubts, and helps to cope with them.
A psychologist can diagnose the family system. This diagnosis helps to find out whether the family has the necessary psychological resources that will be needed after the birth of the child.
The specialist works with pregnant women and at the stage of assistance in the delivery room, accompanying them to the operating room (if a caesarean section is planned), if the woman has a need for this. Consults the future father (if the birth is a partner), helps relieve anxiety, alleviate feelings, and advises on non-drug methods of pain relief.
At the postpartum stage, psychoeducational work takes place in terms of which changes in a woman’s psychological sphere are the norm and which ones should be paid attention to.
The development of modern medicine has led to the fact that a person is considered as an individual in terms of biological, psychological and social well-being. It is important that not only physiological parameters correspond to the norm, but psychological health is in order. When a woman is in a state of stress, anxiety, anxiety, a number of biological substances (hormones and neurotransmitters) are suppressors, that is, they suppress the action of other hormones that are important for the successful course of childbirth. A comfortable emotional state is the key to ensuring that a woman’s birth process goes as smoothly as possible.
"I don't know how to deal with small children"
If a woman is expecting her first child, she will inevitably be bothered by many questions. The baby is so tiny, fragile, defenseless. What if I drop it? Am I going to accidentally break something for him? What will I do if I can’t calm my baby down or don’t understand what’s bothering him at the moment?
The main answer is: don't panic. Do you remember the first time you came to school, in first grade? It was very exciting, scary: you didn’t know what awaited you, whether you would like the new stage of life, whether you would make friends with your peers and teachers. But day after day you came to school, communicated, learned new things, made mistakes, made new acquaintances, were happy and disappointed. Everything turned out to be not so scary: I just needed to overcome my fear and gain experience.
The same is true in the situation with the appearance of a baby in the family. The experience that you will receive every day, the support of loved ones, the advice of specialists - all this will definitely help you.
— If you are afraid of not being able to cope with your baby, imagine yourself as a newborn: what were your needs, and still are, what would you really want, being on the changing table and with a pacifier in your mouth? Love, mother's warmth, breasts, security.
To this knowledge, it is important to add the physiological needs of the baby: the work and development of the brain, shallow sleep, during which the baby’s brain develops, reflexes, with the help of which the child’s emotional satisfaction is achieved. The prenatal and newborn baby has a strong sense of his mother's environment and world. They are very dependent on the “weather” in my mother’s head,” says Yulia Plotnikova.
Fears and worries during pregnancy
Pregnancy for a woman, on the one hand, brings a lot of joy in anticipation of a miracle, but on the other hand, fears and anxieties worsen, new ones are added, especially if it is the first pregnancy. The expectant mother is worried about how it will be, what to do, how to behave correctly, and take care of the health and well-being of herself and her baby. At such moments, she urgently needs support and help. And it’s good if it comes from a professional: clear, accurate, competent information will give confidence against the background of signs, beliefs, opinions and speculations that inevitably surround pregnant women.
What are the main fears a woman experiences during pregnancy? The most common fear is the fear of change. The expectant mother is worried that her body and lifestyle are changing, and it is unclear what will happen to her work and relationship with her husband. Next comes fear, physiological fears, anxiety before childbirth, worries that you won’t be able to cope with the child, etc.
The help of a perinatal psychologist is precisely aimed at helping to cope with these fears.
Fear always has clear outlines. It is very important that a woman can voice her fears to a specialist and receive competent answers to her questions. It often happens that expectant mothers have inaccurate information. Where does it come from - women's forums, the experience of women I know who have given birth, the family experience of mothers, grandmothers and other relatives.
But only a specialist can give reliable information!
“I will become uninteresting to my husband as a woman. We won’t have any time for ourselves at all.”
Having a baby inevitably comes with changes. The usual way of life of the spouses is changing. If earlier you could break away and go to a neighboring city for the weekend, watch movies in the evenings, serenely drinking wine, now you have to change everything.
The baby is now the center of your little universe, and this is absolutely normal.
Some parents are not ready for such drastic changes. Selfishness takes over, and a young mother can be seriously worried about this. “I will always be tired and exhausted, my husband will definitely start cheating. We will no longer be able to go to the cinema together or have luxurious romantic evenings,” such thoughts can torment a pregnant woman.
- The development of this fear can be prevented if you overcome the previous fear: the fear of not being able to cope with the baby. Having established a warm relationship with your baby, it will be easy for you to lead everyday life and raise your child in a calm atmosphere. The baby’s calmness directly depends on the mother’s psycho-emotional state. Here, specialists in the field of breastfeeding and motherhood, doulas who accompany during childbirth and postpartum techniques for self-recovery are here to help mothers.
The long-awaited baby unites the whole family with the most joyful emotions. He is a continuation of his parents, who, with the arrival of their first child, feel like a “real family.” And often, in order to devote time to your loved one - to show that you love and appreciate him - it is not at all necessary to cook a lot of dishes, for example. Believe me, men value in their wife the woman herself with the ability to be affectionate, kind, and sensitive,” says the psychologist. Yes, your life will change, but getting out of your comfort zone is simply necessary for every person to develop and succeed.
Think positively: you will soon be a real full-fledged family, you will see a small copy of yourself and your loved one, give the gift of life and experience the joy of motherhood.
And there will definitely still be joint trips to the movies and karaoke clubs. Firstly, the baby has grandparents who will be happy to sit with him. And secondly, you yourself will not notice how the baby grows up and becomes more independent. You will also miss those times when the little one snored peacefully under his side and did not allow you to leave him for a minute.
— Travel, constantly learn, develop. Now there are so many interesting events for young mothers - just choose, recommends psychologist Yulia Plotnikova.
How to cope with pregnancy loss and why it is important to talk about it out loud
It may seem that early loss is a rare event. But this happens in about every fifth pregnancy. Most often this happens when the embryo or fetus is unable to develop further due to genetic problems. A woman can have a miscarriage, but sometimes the pregnancy ends up frozen: the fetus has no heartbeat, but remains in the uterus. In the latter case, doctors may offer the woman expectant management, medical termination of pregnancy, or surgical methods such as vacuum aspiration. Together with the Libresse brand, we asked those who have lost a pregnancy to talk about their experiences and answer the question of why it is important not to remain silent about it.
“You finally got what you wanted, and then in one second you lost it”
Tatyana Rumyantseva, 34 years old, gynecologist:
My first pregnancy was in 2013, planned and desired. But it seems to me that at first I didn’t tell anyone except my husband about her. There was this underlying feeling that I was a doctor and I understood that not all pregnancies go to term. And, surprisingly, as soon as I realized how many people suffer from this silence and how much I needed support at such a moment, the “ban” was lifted. The next few times, I calmly said from an early stage that I was pregnant.
I lost my first and third pregnancies. These were two completely different experiences. The first time it was just a bolt from the blue. I took an hCG test, went for the first ultrasound, saw a fertilized egg in the uterine cavity, and then I was overcome by severe toxicosis. Therefore, I didn’t even have any fears or doubts: it was obvious that I was deeply pregnant. At the 12th week, my husband and I went for a screening to see if everything was okay with the baby, and possibly find out the gender at an early stage. Before this I had not had any bleeding or pain - nothing that would indicate that anything was wrong. Therefore, the news that there was a fetus but no heartbeat was very sudden. The pregnancy stopped at a decent stage, there were already arms and legs - it was cosmically difficult.
At that moment I stopped being a doctor, I just became a little girl who cried and asked her husband what to do now. Luckily, there are doctors I could call right away. I was absolutely hysterical and demanded that they terminate the pregnancy right now. It was evening, but I was not ready to wait for the next day. It is clear that no one was able to do anything right at that moment. I was completely inadequate - the next day I came to see doctors I knew, and they asked me if I had taken the necessary tests that were needed for hospitalization. I said that I had nothing with me. They told me, but you are a doctor and you are going to the hospital - you still have to understand. And I didn’t understand anything at that moment: I was in great grief. This was the first long-awaited pregnancy. Even during my residency, I worked in a maternity hospital and for those two years I simply wanted to get pregnant so fanatically that it was like some kind of madness. And finally you got what you wanted, and then in one second you lost it.
As I said, I didn’t really tell anyone about the pregnancy, but when it all happened, my close people supported me very much - my husband, sister, mother, doctor friends. I couldn’t support my husband at that moment: I was very immersed in my grief and couldn’t do it. I regret that at that moment I did not turn to a perinatal psychologist. Perhaps my next pregnancies would have been emotionally easier if I had done this.
The experience of the second loss was no longer so emotionally difficult since I already had a child. I went for an early pregnancy ultrasound and at that appointment the doctor didn’t like something about the shape of the fertilized egg. These are frequent quibbles that, as a doctor, I advise you not to pay attention to. But my inner perfectionist decided: in a week I’ll go and reconsider my heart. And then the ordeal began: here they saw the heart, but here they didn’t, the blood on hCG was growing here, but not growing here. This is just a cosmic hassle - I went non-stop to these ultrasounds, donated blood, cried in the car every time an incomprehensible hCG came back. I led myself this way, instead of exhaling and after some time simply repeating the ultrasound. But no, I needed to find out everything as early as possible in order to prevent a repeat of the first pregnancy. At nine weeks it only became clear that the pregnancy was frozen. But again there were no symptoms - it just became visible on the ultrasound.
All over the world, observational tactics are possible for non-developing pregnancy, but in Russia active methods are usually used. In any case, everything should be under the supervision of a doctor. I did not want any more intrauterine interventions, because I had already had such a termination of my first pregnancy. And as a doctor, I, in principle, understand that wait-and-see tactics are possible. It’s clear that I didn’t wait long, but it took several days for my body to understand that I had to leave this pregnancy completely and irrevocably.
I remember this moment well: I was sitting for a manicure in my favorite salon on a large velvet sofa. At some point, my stomach hurt badly, and I realized that blood was leaking from me. And, probably, someone could have a feeling of shame and discomfort at such a moment. But I realized that at that moment I was losing my pregnancy, I covered the entire emerald sofa with blood and told everyone: “Girls, I lost my pregnancy, I’ll pay for the dry cleaning.” Naturally, they looked at me with round eyes and were in complete shock. It seems to me that I experienced all the emotions at the stage of examination, and at that moment such acceptance arose that I was even able to walk home on my own.
It was important for me at that moment to go through this story on my own, although it was clear that everything was under my control. I am a doctor - I know how to control the volume of blood loss, my condition, I had ultrasounds. It’s not like I thoughtlessly went to Tibet and bled there. But I understand why intervention is more often chosen in our country. This is partly an emotional story. Probably, for many - both doctors and patients - it is easier to finish all this at once than to live with this problem for another conditional week or two. I myself wanted to end my first pregnancy right now, this very minute. Just emotionally, and not because it is somehow medically justified.
On the other hand, there is a factor that for some reason has a strong influence in our country. I have never seen this anywhere else in the world. This is about the fear that, as it happens, a dead fetus will “live” in me. A lot of patients, even when I say that there is an option of expectant management, are not ready to use it because of this.
But hypothetically, of course, expectant management is possible in the early stages of pregnancy. If we choose intervention, then before the ninth week we can perform a medical termination of pregnancy. This is the most gentle option. And if it is ineffective or more than nine weeks have passed, vacuum aspiration is used.
It can be chosen at any time, if this is not the first loss and material from the uterine cavity is required for genetic research.
If we talk about early miscarriage, then officially we need to hospitalize the woman. But to be 100% honest, there are situations when a woman can be at home. Of course, if you suspect a miscarriage, you should immediately contact a specialist: what to do next should be recommended by a doctor; the patient cannot make a decision alone. There are important red flags that need to be monitored to ensure that everything is going well. Miscarriage and frozen pregnancy in the early stages are common. If this happened for the first time, there is no need to waste time on any additional examinations or treatment.
It seems to me that it is important to talk about such experiences. For example, women should understand that frozen pregnancy does happen. Otherwise, there is a higher risk that they will experience it very hard. When we did the ultrasound and it showed the loss for the first time, my husband said that he didn't know this happened. An adult, living in a modern society, he simply did not know. And at that moment I was not ready to tell me anything, because it was for him, I don’t know how to meet a mammoth.
I see from my patients how important it is for them to know that they are not alone. That there are many such situations. That it's normal to worry about this. That there are perinatal psychologists who work with these losses and then allow you to carry the next pregnancies. It is very important for couples to see happy stories when, after a loss, there was childbirth and everything then turned out well.
“I love children so much, I want children so much, why is this happening?”
Violetta-Elizaveta, 24 years old, pastry chef:
I got pregnant for the first time in 2021. I told my boyfriend, with whom we planned this, almost immediately everything. My family—my parents and sister—still don’t know what happened. I don't believe in all these things related to the unspoken rule of not talking about pregnancy in the early stages. But I just didn’t want to tell my loved ones right away, so I could wait a little and present it as a surprise.
I ended up having three pregnancies, all of which didn't end well. The first time I just went to the toilet - I noticed bleeding, but did not understand how critical it was. Then, on the second or third day, my stomach started to hurt. I knew at that moment that I was pregnant, and I thought that I should go get checked. Just these days I was already scheduled for my first ultrasound. The doctor told me at the reception that you don’t have a fetus, why did you even come here? For me it was, of course, a crazy blow. The second time the loss occurred in the fourth or fifth week. It was painful, I immediately felt that something was wrong.
The third time, everything also happened very early, but I didn’t even have time to find out about the pregnancy. Although, of course, we planned it with the young man - we went to the doctors, got tested. At that time I was working in a production workshop, carrying heavy loads - I had a miscarriage, and with it also uterine prolapse. This was the only time I had to go to the hospital. An operation was needed on the uterus - they sewed it up and stitched it up. But it didn’t last long: I spent two weeks there, and I managed to recover fairly quickly.
I didn’t delve into the topic of losses before pregnancy. I thought that I was a healthy woman, and did not suspect that this would ever affect me. I knew this could happen, but I didn’t think it would be on such a large scale. I can’t even describe how upset I was: I don’t know how to express all these feelings. It was unpleasant, it was painful. I blamed myself and constantly thought: “What is all this for? I love children so much, I want children so much, why is this happening?” It was difficult and very difficult to come to terms with and accept this.
I was lucky with my attending physician - I always went to her for checkups, even before pregnancy. She is a very tactful woman - she calmed me down and explained the situation. I don’t know how much one can say this, but with her I felt somehow comfortable even experiencing such terrible things. Naturally, I had tears and hysterics, but deep down there was some kind of peace thanks to her.
It so happened that during all these difficult moments we were at a distance with our partner. But we were constantly in touch: we talked, discussed everything, decided what to do next and whether it was worth trying again to get pregnant. I wouldn’t say that my partner is an emotional person - he was calm and unperturbed, but, of course, he was just as unpleasant, hurt and bad. But he took all this news better than I did.
As I said, I didn’t inform my parents and sister: we didn’t live nearby at that time and didn’t communicate much. But I shared it with my close friends. They were shocked. They asked me why this happened and what happened. They said that I didn’t have any problems, that I was constantly checked and took the necessary vitamins.
I don't have a partner now. After everything that happened, we separated, although this was not the main reason. At the moment I am alone, but I am planning, perhaps, a pregnancy in the future. I don’t know yet in what ways. I was told that there is no point in trying now and that I need to wait: my body won’t be able to handle it.
When pregnancy losses happened, I was so scared. It seemed that I was somehow abnormal or defective. This is why I think it is important to speak openly about such issues. It is important for any women, regardless of age, to understand that they are not alone. That there are people with the same problems. That there are people ready to support and explain that this is not the end of the world and that you can continue to live and plan for the future.
In April 2021, the Libresse brand conducted an international study*, among the respondents were residents of Russia. His goal was to find out whether society is ready for an open dialogue about women's health. It turned out that as many as 66% of Russians believe that it is customary in the country to hide what women experience and what (sometimes difficult) life stages they go through. Also, 43% are uncomfortable discussing the topic of women's health, 12% are afraid of being judged when discussing such topics, and 19% admitted that they have no one to talk to about it.
“Frozen pregnancy is a common problem. It’s just that no one talks about her.”
Alexey Makhrov, 38 years old, project manager:
Oksana became pregnant for the first time four years ago. We were preparing for it, it was planned. I don’t like all sorts of superstitions and I don’t think it’s worth talking about pregnancy in the early stages. But my wife didn’t want to share this with anyone right away. Not for superstitious reasons, but simply because, probably, I wanted to prepare for this mentally and tell my family and friends about it in a special way. But in the end, we didn’t have time to tell anyone anything: during one of the first examinations with a doctor, it turned out that the pregnancy was frozen. It was a short period of time, six weeks. To be honest, I didn’t even know the words “frozen pregnancy.” They sounded very strange to me. It seemed like some kind of popular name, but it is actually a real medical term. And frozen pregnancy is a common problem. It's just that no one talks about it.
During a frozen pregnancy, the doctor does not see a heartbeat on an ultrasound. Due to the fact that our deadline was very early, we decided to wait just in case. After some time, we came to the appointment again, and the absence of a heartbeat was confirmed, then my wife had to go for surgery.
At that appointment, the doctor explained to us in a nutshell what it was and what we were faced with. And then we ourselves began to look for information and read materials on this topic - we both knew absolutely nothing about the fact that this could happen.
It's hard for me to remember how I felt about my first miscarriage. There was a feeling of emptiness and confusion. I was very worried about Oksana and didn’t know what to do. I remember well that it was also difficult that we did not expect this event at all. They just didn't know that it could happen at all. Over the years, we have faced four such losses. And each loss was experienced differently. At some point, the realization came that a frozen pregnancy, alas, is a common situation. Humans are a complex biological species. Our reproductive mechanism is very complex; pregnancy losses occur frequently and can be repeated. Yes, this is very unpleasant, you can have different feelings about this, but this is natural, oddly enough.
Oksana's experiences were deeper. This is logical: a woman is very strongly connected with a child, even just an embryo, at different levels of sensations. This all happens in her body. Besides that, I think she was upset that there might be something wrong with her. She tried to support me as best she could, although I think she herself needed a lot of support and help to get through it. I couldn’t always find the right words - I’m not good at always saying the right or expected things, so sometimes it was easier to just be silent, hold my hand and let me talk. One way or another, we were just together, and that already helped.
Oksana has this peculiarity: when she is very worried or experiencing something, it is important for her to talk about it openly and do something - in this way she also experiences the problem. When we realized what had happened and digested this situation a little, I suggested that we act in a natural way and create material that would highlight the problem and could be useful to someone. This is how an information brochure for couples about frozen pregnancy appeared, which the wife prepared with the support of gynecologists, geneticists and psychologists. Such materials are common in the healthcare system and among special funds in Europe, but here in Russia we have never seen anything like this before.
We, of course, expect good news from the next pregnancy or pregnancies, but let it be as it is. I know one thing for sure: we will always talk about it, try not to hide the pregnancy and what can happen to it. People often do not disclose their situation in the early stages precisely because one fifth of all pregnancies end prematurely. It is largely because of this “taboo” that there is so little information and open experience about frozen pregnancy. The unknown leads to more difficult experiences, incorrect assumptions and conclusions, and misunderstandings between partners. It shouldn't be this way.
“Losing a child, even at a young age, is a difficult ordeal”
Alexandra Borisova-Sale from Samara, 34 years old, scientist:
My unsuccessful pregnancy occurred eight years ago. It was planned, the family was really looking forward to it and wanted it. Not least because we had lost my little brother about a year earlier. I immediately told everyone close to me about her. The only thing is that I somehow tried to hide my pregnancy at work: I was doing science, I had a male team, this is not a very favorable area for such conversations. But I didn’t know about any superstitions or other things that arise during early pregnancy. In this sense, she was simply a wonderful child - she did not think or expect anything bad. But now that I have experienced the loss and have had time to think about this whole situation, I can say that no one benefits from this rule and, of course, there is no benefit from it.
There are two options for the development of the situation. The first is that after 12 weeks you will be fine, which means you will still tell everyone. I’m pregnant now and this time I didn’t hide it from my colleagues. In the first trimester, many people feel unwell. And it turns out very strange: there was a normal person, but here he has not been able to complete the task for several weeks. Of course, everyone will ask what happened, that is, you will have to lie. But why? Who benefits from this? Lies cut you off from people. I decided to explain everything right away and was met with a lot of understanding. And it seems to me that if people cannot accept the fact that a colleague is pregnant with understanding, this is a good indicator that such people, in principle, are not worth working with.
The second option is that within 12 weeks everything ends badly, and you didn’t tell anyone. And you walk around, as if you were chopped in half with an ax, trying to figure out how to continue to live. People notice this condition. And, being in it, it is even harder and more difficult to tell that you had a pregnancy, but you lost it. And you're depriving yourself of the support you could have received.
At that moment I was living in Moscow without registration - a common situation for visitors in a rented apartment. I don’t know how it is now, but back then they really didn’t like to register such women with antenatal clinics. Although this was already officially illegal at that time, in practice you came and they asked you: “Who are you?” It’s good that I had older friends who explained that this issue could be resolved through the chief physician. As a result, they fought to register me, but the level of help was very conditional. At my first appointment, I had an ultrasound and it showed no heartbeat. I asked if this was normal, and they told me that yes, more would appear. The next day I went to work, and from there I was taken by ambulance to the hospital.
Another trap is drugs “to support pregnancy.” These, together with the ultrasound, which, according to the doctor, did not foretell anything bad, strengthened the feeling of false control over the situation. This is bad because it makes you feel even more like if something goes wrong, it's your fault. Now I have already learned that in many countries, until the 12th week, women are not particularly bothered by doctors at all: this period is under the control, so to speak, of the Lord God, and it is impossible to help the fetus with anything, with the exception of individual cases and diagnoses.
Losing a child, even at a young age, is a difficult ordeal. And the environment I found myself in at the hospital only made the situation worse. I remember these days very poorly, in some pieces - apparently, my brain tried to forget the unpleasant moments. Here I am sitting in line and waiting to be accepted. I already kind of understand that everything is bad, I’m crying. But I still don’t fully believe that I really lost the pregnancy. They take me for an ultrasound and examination - they don’t say or ask anything special at the appointment. I sob and ask the question of whether it is possible to somehow save the pregnancy. And they tell me in a rude voice: “What can be done there! Your pregnancy is already dangling in the cervix!”
And everything goes on - no one asks anything, no one explains anything, no one warns about anything. While I was in the hospital, I had a feeling of complete lack of control over my life, it was as if I had lost my subjectivity, I ceased to belong to myself and to have the right to at least some choice. I didn’t understand when they took me for an abortion, how it would happen. I remember a strange situation. I arrived for the examination in a gynecological chair, and it turned out that I needed to take socks with me. But I simply didn’t have them - my husband forgot to put them in, and I arrived at the hospital in tights. They started telling me about this in such a tone as if I was the most worthless creature in the world.
Everything was complicated by the fact that it was February 23rd. No one was working, there was no one to discharge me - I was kept in the hospital for six days. When it was all over, the discharge was just a bunch of God knows what diagnoses. One conclusion could be drawn from this: I have something terrible. Then for a long time I tried to understand the diagnoses, confirm or refute them. It was all completely pointless, it was an ordinary accidental miscarriage, it was impossible and unnecessary to “treat” it.
My husband was very supportive of me throughout this whole situation, but even he could not fully imagine what was happening to me as a result of all this. At some point, I thought I realized that pregnancy loss happens to many people. I pretended that everything was fine with me. But everything was so difficult that at some point I simply began to faint, although physiologically I was completely healthy.
The topic of pregnancy loss is a taboo one. People around you don't know how to help. A woman often pushes this problem deep into herself. It seemed to me that I was a worthless creature who could not fulfill my duty to myself, my husband and my parents. I developed a completely unhealthy attitude towards the issue of children, and it took years of psychotherapy to learn to live with it. And it’s not just about the children: after that I began to have a general severe personal crisis.
Of course, it’s important to talk about this. We write about rare diseases, and we think it’s important to know about them. And almost every fifth pregnancy ends in loss. The experience of a miscarriage is often negative, but what makes it traumatic is a tangle of social circumstances: doctors do not prepare a woman for this, acquaintances practically do not talk about it, and often within yourself you think that you can control the process, although this is not the case. I recently re-read my correspondence from that time with my best friend, and the main emotion there is helplessness, an information vacuum. They dump it all on you and leave, and you have no idea how to deal with it all, where to ask for help and advice.
In 2021, the Libresse brand launched the #StoriesVinUs campaign. This is a project that fights stereotypes around the topic of women's health. Every girl can contribute to breaking harmful taboos. To do this, you need to not be afraid to openly express your feelings and experiences during pregnancy loss, menstruation, menopause and other important things. The Libresse brand strives to support women in this with all its might, because it understands how difficult it can be to tell even the closest people about such problems.
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*Research conducted by Ketchum UK commissioned by Essity in April 2021 with the participation of 8121 respondents (4113 women and 4008 men) aged 18 to 55+ years from the countries: Russia, UK, France, Italy, Sweden, China, Argentina , Mexico.
https://meduza.io/feature/2020/12/04/cheloveku-nuzhno-ponimat-chto-on-ne-odin
“I’m afraid of toxicosis, back pain and other changes in my body”
Psychologists advise: it is important to learn to feel and understand yourself. Of course, there will be changes in the body: a new life is born in you! But there are different ways to deal with mild morning nausea, increased appetite and weight gain.
- Toxicosis is given to gradually prepare a woman for changes in her life - motherhood. And in many ways it is giving, receiving, flexible, sensitive. Toxicosis helps a woman develop humility and the ability to adapt to illness. To understand how her body will be more comfortable, despite the unpleasant sensations: what and when to eat, when to lie down, ask for help or lie down next to her husband. This is the development of sensitivity.
During pregnancy, wonderful changes occur in a woman’s psyche and body. This is the state of a “growing mother”. And if a woman accepts this, she blossoms and radiates. Such a woman knows how to see herself as beautiful, she is happy, and everything comes relatively easily to her. She does not stand still and develops: she does yoga, gymnastics or goes to the pool, eats right and therefore does everything to be in good shape. She does not reproach herself for the fact that some changes in her body are inevitable, but this will not make her feel less beautiful, says the psychologist.
“I’m afraid that I will have a sick child”
This is a serious and sometimes not unfounded fear. However, it is one thing to wish with all your heart the birth of a healthy child and do everything so that the baby develops well. And another thing is to worry day and night to the point of hysterics and tears, without having any reason for it.
Of course, this may sound corny, but think optimistically. No one will be better off because of your depression, especially your child. Give up bad habits, go for walks and go to the pool, watch good and funny films, and, most importantly, follow all the doctor’s instructions. Everything will definitely be fine!
— The fear of having a sick child is justified, but it is worth remembering that the nascent life is built even before the birth of the baby, the first growing cells of the baby at the morphogenetic level record all the events, feelings, and emotions of the mother. Therefore, I encourage women to be more conscious and work on themselves. Those who understand how important positive emotions and joy are in the development of a new life.
“I’m afraid of harming my unborn baby by doing something wrong”
“The fear of harming the intrauterine baby is a good fear,” some experts believe. Worried about the baby, a pregnant woman takes care of herself and strives not to harm the future baby. But a sense of proportion is important in everything: you shouldn’t be too careful. Pregnancy is not a disease, so you can lead your usual lifestyle, with only some restrictions.
In addition, the baby is reliably protected by the placenta and amniotic fluid. Nature has done everything to make sure that it is not so easy for the baby to be seriously harmed.
— It is important during pregnancy not to be afraid of activity and vigor. Of course, being pregnant is a burden. It is often physically difficult. You need to correctly distribute the load and be able to feel what your body needs and when to stop.
Again, a positive attitude is very important. Thanks to it, many ailments, fears and even complications can be avoided. A healthy mind means a healthy body. Rejoice, believe, engage in self-development and love. Take care of yourself and your loved ones, and everything will be fine, I promise you this,” says psychologist Yulia Plotnikova.
Let’s add to the specialist’s words: remain optimistic, live a rich and active life, don’t withdraw into yourself and smile more often. Then you won’t be afraid of any phobias.
Cover illustration: Nikolai Korolev.
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Experts: Yulia Plotnikova
Fear one: something might happen to the child
First we need to figure out what exactly we are afraid of. Perhaps for each of you this is something “secret, unusual, not like everyone else,” moreover, shrouded in preliminary diagnoses of doctors and all-knowing forum regulars. But most of all, you and I are afraid of one thing: that something will be wrong with the child . I'm right? Of course, any mother first of all worries about her treasure, and only then about everything else.
All of us, when really, really needed, can be strong, sometimes capable of incredible things, despite all diagnoses. Believe in yourself and your body, listen to your body and give free rein to positive thoughts. That's all.
Don’t read “horror” stories about childbirth, don’t watch the news, don’t let negative information get into your head. Just turn off the TV first. Even if you have already read something and tried it on yourself, try to get rid of the negative. How? Look for the positive!
You have no idea how many advantages you now have over the rest of the people on the planet! Now is the time when you can allow yourself to do what you have long dreamed of, and all this will be of great benefit. For example, during my different pregnancies I wanted to do things like yoga, English, and handicrafts. How nice it is to draw pictures by numbers, placing the “canvas” on your tummy! Or learn how to cook something unusual! Basically, find something that makes you smile.
