Author: Marfa Goncharova, magazine “My Little One and Me”; consultant: Yulia Andronnikova, pediatrician of the highest category, head of the pediatric department of the Center for Traditional Obstetrics and Family Medicine.
The child's expressed emotional state is a message of discomfort. Leaving these messages unattended means ignoring the baby's needs, which can be physical and psychological.
Inconsolable crying, screaming, stubbornness and irritation out of the blue - what so upsets parents and outrages strangers who have become unwitting witnesses to an unpleasant scene is usually called whims. In fact, if in an adult a completely unreasonable whim can be called a whim, then children's whims, as a rule, have a serious basis.
Yulia Andronnikova: “Children under one year old are not characterized by whims in their everyday understanding. If a child suddenly begins to behave in a way that is unusual for him, this is always a signal for the mother, a message of discomfort. No doctor can say for sure: if a child cries for ten minutes, this is normal, but if longer, then this is a sign of a disease. Mom's intuition should work here. After all, already in the first 2–3 months of life, being in close contact with the baby, the mother studies him so well that she knows perfectly well what is typical for her child and what goes beyond normal behavior.
If the child cries, the mother calms him down using familiar methods that suit him. Children love to be picked up, maintaining skin-to-skin contact, rocked to sleep, spoken to in a quiet, calm voice, and held to the chest. Some people stop worrying in a warm bath, while others are better off undressing for a while. The set of techniques may be different, but if the baby continues to cry despite the usual stress relief rituals, the mother should watch him more closely.”
Infectious diseases
Crying that is unusually long for a child or, conversely, lethargy or refusal to eat in children of any age is often the first sign of the development of an infectious disease. Whether this is true or not, it becomes obvious literally after a few hours: the temperature may begin to rise, a cough or runny nose may appear. For babies who cannot yet say or show what hurts, loud crying may be a sign of the onset of otitis media. If the ears hurt, there may be neither a fever nor other signs of a cold, it is the sharply changed behavior that will cause suspicion: the child is inappropriately capricious, shakes his head, sometimes screams sharply, begins to cry when changing the position of the head, refuses to eat because this provokes pain. In such a situation, you should definitely call a doctor.
Meteosensitivity
The peculiarity of the autonomic nervous system's response to changes in environmental conditions is called meteosensitivity. Training the baby’s nervous system and blood vessels will help cope with weather sensitivity. Thanks to hardening, the body's adaptive capabilities will increase, and the reaction to changing weather will become less violent or disappear altogether.
For kids, the best way to harden themselves is to walk in the fresh air in any weather. Not only changes in pressure, rain, thunderstorms, but also simply cloudy weather or a long absence of sun in the sky can affect the body. In newborn children, sudden changes in weather often cause anxiety. After a few months, for most, this weather dependence goes away, but in children with a weakened autonomic nervous system, it can continue to manifest itself and even intensify against the background of stressful conditions.
Chronic diseases
But what to do if the baby not only suddenly changed his behavior, but is constantly in a depressed state - he is lethargic, whines all the time and practically does not smile? Yulia Andronnikova: “The general well-being of a child is an important indicator of his health. A healthy baby may begin to be capricious in the evening when he is tired, but he should wake up in a good mood - this is a signal to his mother that everything is fine with him.
If your child is capricious every day and is in a bad mood all the time, and you have ruled out the presence of any infections, you should bring this to the attention of your pediatrician. Constant moodiness, pallor, lethargy, lack of a smile from birth, low weight gain and height are a set of symptoms characteristic of hormonal disorders. The earlier the diagnosis is made, the better, since with timely initiation of treatment, the disease can be compensated for and the life, health and intelligence of the child can be preserved. If such diseases are suspected, the pediatrician will refer the child to an endocrinologist.
Approximately the same symptoms may occur with anemia or kidney problems. Routine blood and urine tests will help clarify the situation, confirming or dispelling such concerns.”
What to do if a child falls?
Try not to panic, take the child in your arms, calm him down, call an ambulance.
According to emergency care standards, every child with a head injury should be hospitalized. This usually happens like this: an ambulance delivers the baby and his mother to the emergency room of a specialized hospital, where the neurosurgeon on duty examines the child, conducts an ultrasound examination of the brain, and x-rays of the skull bones. If the baby’s condition does not cause concern and the examination reveals nothing wrong, the mother and child can be sent home under the supervision of a neurologist at their place of residence.
If, during examination, the baby cries continuously, or, conversely, is lethargic, or there is weakness in the arm or leg and the baby cannot move them, or there was repeated vomiting, or changes were detected during ultrasound examination and x-ray, then the child remains in the hospital and receives treatment according to the degree of traumatic brain injury.
Treatment uses medications that reduce swelling of the brain tissue, improve blood flow and metabolic processes in the nervous tissue.
An intracerebral hematoma can become a serious complication of traumatic brain injury, when blood from damaged vessels pours into the cranial cavity, which inevitably leads to compression of the brain. In such a situation, urgent surgery is required to remove the hematoma.
When the child’s condition becomes stable, he is discharged home under the supervision of a neurologist.
Overwork
If a child is capricious in the evening, mothers usually explain it this way: “I didn’t sleep well during the day” or “We went to class, he got too excited there, communicating with other children.” Perhaps it will be enough to put the daily routine in order and give the baby more opportunities for rest, sleep and walks. If the child himself is excitable, cannot sit still, control his emotions and at the same time gets very tired, pedagogical problems are superimposed on physical ones, since the parents literally cannot keep up with the baby. A competent neurologist will help normalize the regime and strengthen the nervous system, for example, using massage and hardening techniques. A psychologist will advise parents on the features of proper communication with their child.
How to solve the problem of a capricious child
What should parents do with a 3-year-old child who only has whims ? It is important to learn to first control your emotions. You cannot show your irritation or dissatisfaction to a capricious child Try not to shout or pull back. You need to try to reach the child, not just distract him, since this will only be temporary, but try to do it so that the baby listens to you and understands why and what you want from him.
For example, your child does not want to go home from the street to have lunch. A hysteria begins on the playground : “I don’t want to go home... I want to go for a walk... I want to go on the swing...” And this can go on ad infinitum.
Try to convey your position to the baby very calmly, without screaming, without swearing or shouting. Explain to him that you understand him and understand that he wants to go for walks, that he is small and therefore he likes to swing on a swing and play in the sand with shovels, but all small children need to eat, they need to gain strength for walks. Just explain calmly, without irritation. Try to using the example of his favorite toy , perhaps this will make it more clear to him, and he will be able to morally give in to you and agree to the offer.
If whims develop into hysterics , do not give in, do not indulge, do not please the child, just so that he calms down. This will lead to the same thing happening again next time. It is enough to agree with the child’s demand once, and all early prohibitions will simply dissipate, and the child will feel power over you.
What can be done to prevent in a 3 or 4 year old child in which he becomes nervous and capricious:
- Patience and sensitivity, show these qualities more often because the baby really needs your help. Believe me, before you know it, he will grow up and try to do everything on his own, so don’t immediately throw the burden of responsibility on him, but help him (especially at first) cope with it;
- Follow one principle of education. Don't swing from one side to the other. Such a swing will become an impossible burden for the baby, and most importantly, he will not understand when and how to act correctly;
- Once the hysteria begins, be patient. No need to scream, swear or freak out. Show by your appearance that you are not interested in listening to this, so you are busy with something else, for example, looking out the window. Just don’t do irritated actions, don’t move things from the table or wipe off dust. The task is to convey to the capricious child all the salt of your removal from his hysteria;
- There is no need to rush, let him do everything himself, even if it all happens very slowly. Be patient and just wait. If he wants to change clothes himself after the section, let him take his things and get ready. In two or three months you won’t even think about changing it yourself. He will do it himself. As well as monitor the filling of water for the section and clean things;
- You can give in on minor details to show that you can accept his choice. For example, if he wants to eat the second course first, and then the first, let him eat, it’s not scary. After all, for him this is an experiment, for you it’s just a deviation from the standard sequence of actions;
- Invite your child to choose the toy that he will take with him to kindergarten or for a walk. Such a seemingly trifle will help teach him to choose the most important thing! In the future, he will be able to plan his day by correctly setting priorities.
- Offer your help more often, but do not do any things instead of the child. Even if you really want to. For example, he changed his clothes himself, but has not yet had time to fold his things - do not rush at them; as soon as he realizes that he has got dressed, he will fold everything himself. And he will be proud of himself, because he did everything himself!
Caprice as a message to parents
A whim is always a child’s message about discomfort, which he cannot express in an acceptable form. If a child is constantly capricious, and you have ruled out physical causes (diseases, fatigue), it is worth considering what state of mind he is in. Psychologists note that often a child’s inappropriate behavior is a reaction to intrafamily disharmony. The grandmother is dissatisfied with the way the young mother is raising the baby, she is constantly indignant and gives unsolicited advice. Or parents start quarreling every time the baby needs to be put to bed. Explicit or unspoken complaints and conflicts, a tense situation in the family, have the greatest impact on the child. In this case, his “whims” are the materialization of the discontent and irritation surrounding him. And the situation can be corrected only by improving family relationships.
Certain pedagogical violations in the family can also easily become a source of whims. If parents allow a child absolutely everything, and he simply does not understand the word “no,” any attempt at a ban leads him almost to hysterics. As a rule, parents are afraid of such a reaction and are ready to do anything to avoid its repetition, which means they continue to indulge the child. And this inevitably deepens discord in the family and makes its members even more irritable. The opposite situation can also involve the entire family in a vicious circle: they behave too strictly with the child and literally suppress all attempts at independent action and decision-making. The baby protests, the parents become even stricter with him. The same effect occurs if different family members adhere to diametrically opposed parenting styles - for example, the mother is very strict with the baby, and the father allows absolutely everything. All these situations are best discussed with a family psychologist.
The struggle for independence
Parents often mistake their child’s desire for independence for whims. From 8–9 months, the baby begins to “test the strength” of the adults around him. They give him a toy, he throws it on the floor and immediately demands it back. This can be repeated many times in a row. The child finds out the boundaries of what is permitted, and when communicating with mom, dad or grandmother, the boundaries may be different. At the same time, it is quite easy to distinguish between a cry of real need and a “test” one: while “checking”, the baby sometimes stops crying, looks around and listens to evaluate the effect produced. Such stops are a sign of a demand for attention. This does not mean that in this case it should be ignored; it is better to talk softly to the child, give reasonable arguments, explain your actions, including the necessary refusals or prohibitions. Such verbal contact, if established at birth, makes it easier to distinguish what exactly caused unusual behavior and to cope with the situation.
At the age of 2–3 years, the time comes when the child literally answers everything: “I myself!” Moreover, if attempts to do something on your own are not very successful (spilled, knocked, broke, fell), the best strategy would be not to scold the child, but to note his achievements and offer to bring the matter to the end together. Often, the mere fact of recognizing a child’s independent attempts to do something is enough to live in harmony and reduce “whims” to a minimum.
Stubborn facts
- Even if the baby, in principle, likes to cry, certain conditions should alert parents. These are so-called emergency conditions.
- A loud, pronounced cry of a child for two or more hours, in which no conventional methods of calming help, is a signal to call a doctor. With problems such as intussusception (volvulus) or appendicitis, a young child may have no other obvious external signs other than intense, continuous crying. Only a doctor can diagnose the problem. It cannot be said that these cases are frequent. If a mother is breastfeeding her baby and is well acquainted with the principles of introducing complementary foods, then intestinal volvulus, which is caused by a sudden transition to unfamiliar food in large quantities and at too early an age, does not threaten her child. Appendicitis in children is also rare, but since the exact causes of this emergency condition are still unclear, it cannot be discounted.
Helpful Tips:
- Any internal experiences of a child (entry to kindergarten or school, troubles in the family) can lead to stress. There is no need to try to protect your child from difficult situations, but teach him to overcome difficulties. The baby will endure stress much easier if he knows that at home he will always be understood and supported, that for mom and dad he is the best in the world.
Your love and attention are the best “medicines” for stress. Talk to your child, give him the opportunity to talk, find out the reasons for his worries. Play with him, draw, involve him in sports, but try to protect him from unbearable loads.
The article was published in the magazine “My Baby and I” (2014) and posted on the website krokha.ru.
Crisis of 3 years: how to survive tantrums
So, the main symptoms of a 3-year crisis with examples.
1. Negativism and obstinacy
- Let's brush your teeth/eat/sleep/go for a walk!
- No!
Why? Because he didn’t decide so, but one of the parents suggested it!
2. Stubbornness
- Mom, give me kefir!
- But there is no kefir, let you drink strawberry yogurt.
- No, I want kefir! Give me kefir! Buy it!
The kid understands that yogurt is much tastier than kefir. But he continues to insist: “Give me kefir!” Why? Not because he needs kefir. It is important for him to defend his decision. Here's a reason for a 3-year-old child to become hysterical.
3. Self-will
- Let me help you put on tights!
-No, I myself!
Something isn't working out for your son or daughter. I would like to do this for the child, because it’s faster. But as soon as you extend your helping hands, a loud “Ahhhh!” is heard in response. It’s good if the baby, even though it takes a long time, can cope with the task that he has chosen for himself. And if he can’t do it, then screams cannot be avoided. And because of this, it seems to you that the child is constantly hysterical. Alas, experience only comes with mistakes, no matter how much we would like to protect our little one from them.
4. Riot
- Put on this sweater / go eat pasta / don’t break it / don’t scream!
If parents have chosen or decided something for him, the child refuses these things or actions. To prevent a riot and learn how to cope with children's hysterics, read useful tips from the article “Children's tantrums: normal or not?”
5. Depreciation
- Mom, you are bad! Get out!
The child calls his parents names, throws his toys and books, and ruins his clothes. The child's 3-year-old crisis makes the mother want to fall into a lethargic sleep and simply sleep through this period.
But this behavior is not aggression, but the next stage of research and curiosity. Chad is just wondering: “What will happen if I...”
6. Despotism
- I want you all to shut up! Only I will speak! Only me! Ahhh!
- You will buy it for me! Buy it since I said so! Come on quickly!
The little one not only shouts “I myself” all the time, but also tries to make you dance to his tune! For many parents, this turns out to be a real shock: two inches from the potty, but he commands and demands.
At the same time, the baby simply learns to manage the world around him. I am sure that you would like your child to have leadership qualities as an adult and strive to “win a place in the sun.”
This is all good, of course, but in the future. And what to do now in response to such words, read the article: “The child is rude: how to stop bad behavior.”
